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Fairchild - Blog Posts
Chain of Gold
“I see why my waistcoats cannot hold your attention, Fairchild. I’ve been where you are. Wanting what you can’t have will only rip your heart apart.”
-Magnus Bane (Cassandra Clare, CoG)
Christopher: *taking a sip out of a flask* You want some of this?
Matthew: Sure
Matthew: Is that soup, what the-
Thomas: Can you teach me… how to hoe?
Matthew: Rude
Matthew: [sips wine]
Matthew: but yes
I can't believe we all fogot about this
Thomas: Thanks for letting me stay here.
Matthew: Of course! As they say in France,
'mi casa es tu casa'.
Thomas: That's Spanish.
Matthew: People can speak Spanish in France too!
Matthew: So, I was watching my dog chase its tail for 30 minutes and thought “Wow, animals are easily entertained.”
Matthew: But then I realized I was watching my dog chase its tail for 30 minutes.
Valentine: Ok, so, um, you’re like a son to me
Jace: Well, you raised me
Valentine: Exactly, so join me and we’ll kill all the filthy downworlders-
Jace: No
*Looks over to Clary*
Valentine: You’re like a son to me-
Clary: I’m out
Matthew: My life is like a romantic comedy
Matthew: Except there’s no romance. It’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Will: Octopi could hug four people simultaneously, because Raziel bless them with the ability to do so. However, they don’t hug even one person because they made a covenant with the devil. Any questions?
Matthew, raising his hand: Where’s Lucie? I just wanted to visit her-
Will: In a better place, now sit down immediately.
Christopher: Matthew, what’s a metaphor?
Matthew: “My life is a train wreck”
Christopher: I know, but what’s a metaphor?
Thomas: So, does everyone know what they’re doing?
Matthew: You mean in life or the plan?
Thomas:
Matthew: because I’ve no idea of either.
Matthew: You consider me a friend?
Cordelia: Sure. What else would I consider you?
Matthew: I don’t know. An embarrassment? A way to rebel against your family? A desperate cry for help? The list is endless.
Alastair: When I die, you’re going to piss on my grave, aren’t you?
Matthew: Oh yes, most definitely
Alastair: Cool, just checking
James: Please tell me I’m imagining that I got drunk and claimed I was the King of All Ducks.
Matthew: I would, but then I’d be lying to the King of All Ducks.
James: Did you miss me?
Matthew: I always miss you. 24/6.
James: Why not 24/7?
Matthew: I worship Oscar Wilde on Sundays.
Matthew: I would walk through fire for the Merry Thieves!
Matthew: Well, not FIRE because it’s dangerous, but like a super humid room
Matthew: Not too humid because… you know, my hair
Matthew: Hey, do you know anybody that can teach me how to play the trumpet?
Thomas: Why do you need to learn how to play the trumpet?
Matthew: I wanna wander around and annoy Charles by playing it.
Thomas, thinking about how Charles mistreated Alastair: Technically you don’t need to know how to play it to do that.
Matthew: You have opened my eyes, Thomas
Alastair, a guest: Can I ask about the menu, please?
Matthew, a waiter: The men I please are none of your business.
Anna: Please peer pressure me into getting this report done
Matthew: Do it or you’re straight
Anna: I said peer pressure, not threaten.
Matthew: My computer is broken
Thomas: Just give it to the IT guy
Matthew: Okay
Matthew, walking outside and tossing the computer into a sewer: Good luck
Officer: I heard you got pot
Matthew: *holds up flower pot* You mean this?
Officer: Oh, ok. What you growing?
Matthew: Weed
James: Hey, uh, so I’ve been reviewing this itinerary and I don’t really get it.
James: Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won’t that get kind of messy?
Matthew: That’s why we feed them glitter, Jamie.
Christopher: I can’t believe that Britain is 1903 years old!
Matthew: You idiot, that’s how old Earth is
James: No way! :O
Matthew: I can’t believe you two didn’t know that!
Thomas, about to cry: They’re so fucking stupid
Christopher: I almost got surprise adopted yesterday
Thomas: What?
Matthew: He almost got kidnapped
Thomas: Oh, okay
Thomas: WAIT WHAT
Cordelia: So, tell me about yourself
Matthew:
Belial: I eat pieces of shit like you for BREAKFAST!
Thomas:
Matthew:
James:
Christopher, disturbed: … you eat pieces of shit?
Airport security: No liquids allowed
Matthew: oh, ok
Matthew: *starts gulping it down*
James: Uhh, Matthew, you don’t have to drink-
Matthew: *dedicated to finishing bottle*
Airport security: You know, usually people just leave the shampoo behind but what do I know…
Thomas: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me
Matthew: Okay, but in my defense, James bet me 3 pounds that I couldn’t drink all the shampoo
Thomas: That’s not what I wanted to-
Thomas: You drank SHAMPOO?
[TLH Group Chat]
Lucie: Hey guys, if you post your password in the groupchat it’ll block out!
Lucie: *******
Lucie: See?
Cordelia: That’s so cool!
Cordelia: *****
Matthew: heronchild4ever69
Matthew:
[Matthew has left the chat]
Matthew, violently shaking: I DON’T UNDERSTAND, I’VE FED THEM, WATERED THEM, WHY ARE THEY DEAD?!
James: Matthew, please put the fertilizer down, you’re scaring us.