Spreading My Jegulily Agenda

Barty is having the worst day of his entire miserable existence.

It's not enough that he had to catch Evan eating Regulus out last night (right before sucking the blood out of him, mind you), but of course the whole school had to start gossiping about his most recent date with Pandora, collectively deciding he was the scum of the earth for breaking little Reggie's heart.

Here's why: people have assumed, wrongly so, that him and Regulus have had... something... going on.

Which is wrong. And disgusting.

Regulus is like the most annoying brother anyone could ask for, with how sickeningly sweet he is. He's also a devil, too, but no one will ever believe that.

(Everyone thinks that Regulus and Barty fuck, and that Evan is the brotherly link in their friend group. There has never been anything brotherly about the way Evan has been staring at Regulus since they were sixteen and fifteen, but Barty is an only child, so what does he know)

This whole misunderstanding has worsened ever since Regulus and Evan started fucking. You'd think it'd go away, but no. Evan always feeds on Regulus when they fuck, which leaves their stupid best friend dizzy and tired and pale and weak for the next couple of days. Barty had suggested for them to maybe calm the fuck down, but his friends get easily carried away, so...

Usually, it's not that noticeable. Today? Today Regulus is too tired to even attempt a smile, or a conversation. Evan is extra doting to him because of it, the fucker, as he should be, and Barty? Barty is being glared at because well.

As far as anyone in their stupid school is concerned, he's been fucking Regulus in secret, though it's not so secret if the whole school likes to speculate on it, and he has suddenly gone on a bunch of dates with Pandora Lovegood, slept over at her dorm, and the next day? Regulus looked like he'd cried the night away.

Which he fucking did, by the way, just not how people think he did.

The worst part, and yes, there's something worse, is that Sirius fucking Black is shadowing him like a goddamn hound, ready to strike at any moment, and Barty knows that Regulus' older brother has a mean punch, so what is he supposed to do now? He can't out Regulus and Evan, because if he starts going off on that topic he won't be able to stop and he'll accidentally out Evan's vampirism.

He can't fucking do that, that's his best fucking friend.

Even his teachers are side eyeing him!

McGonagall made a not so veiled comment about it all, something about trust and shit that had everyone not so subtly glare at him.

And Regulus? He hadn't even noticed.

Barty can't even blame him, he looks so pale and sad, and he's sad because he had practice today but he won't be able to fly, which is criminal because the weather is just right and now Barty is for sure on the Quidditch team's shit list for keeping their best boy grounded.

He's so goddamn lucky that Emma Vanity is not in school anymore, let alone on the team. That viper would have had him by the throat the moment Regulus walked out of the dorm looking dejected and all sniffly.

Evan, on the other hand... Evan is aware. Evan is more than aware, and Evan is relishing in it all, since people are dubbing him the best friend to ever friend. He finds it funny, the cunt, and Barty hates himself for how loyal he is to that disgrace of a wizard, otherwise-

"I'll kill you," Barty had mouthed at him before hurrying out of their charms class, lest somebody cursed him.

Evan had smiled, all coy, and wrapped an arm around Regulus' shoulder, looking a protective bestie instead of the blood sucker he is. "Get a wooden stake, then." He'd responded, and Barty will get him. One day, he'll get him.

In order to get back at Evan, Barty has to survive the absolutely batshit encounter he's about to face. And he knows it's about to happen. See, it wasn't bad enough that Sirius Black was tailing him for most of the day, oh no... James Potter has suddenly joined him, and if eyes could kill...

Yeah, Barty is not having a good day, and it's only going to get worse. Hopefully his girlfriend will help make up for it, but chances are Barty will die before he sees her again.

The Batman Recap:

Sirius Black about his brother. “He’s so annoying. He’s the favourite. Always a goody two shoes. Speaks five languages. It’s always Regulus this, Regulus that.” Then cut to- Regulus and Pandora in a shopping trolley that Pandora painted and covered in flowers, swearing like sailor in French, zooming down the moving staircases, while Evan and Barty raced them and the rest of the house cheering for who they thought would win. Cut to- Sirius Black, “he’s just so innocent and nice, never a disappointment, the deserving heir of the Blacks. Sometimes I think that he has never ever done anything with his life except please them, like there’s no other point for his existence.” Cut to- half of Slytherin house running to the dungeons smelling of champagne because both trolleys hit the celebration drinks stand and a teacher heard-

midnight wolfstar smooch, anyone?

So we've got Jegulus raising Harry and Wolfstar raising Teddy

Now imagine Rosekiller raising a child.

That child would be chaos personified, an absolute menace.

tinder au?? maybe..

LISTEN TO MEEEEE

why has NO ONE literally no one written a modern au fic where james is a skater and regulus is like major crushing on him so to get closer to him he ask him to teach him how to skate and tells him its bc he's trying to impress "a girl" and james ends up like majorly whipped for this man and is like insaneeeelllyyyyy crushing on him but doesnt try anything bc he thinks regulus has this girl he wants but ofc bc hes james potter hes not the best at hiding what he wants and yata yata yata

THERES SO MUCH U CAN DO WITH IT

U CAN CHUCK IN SIRIUS THERE AND AT THE START HAVE HIM ALL TEASING REGULUS OVER THIS "GIRL" HE LIKES BUT SLOWLY REALISING ITS JAMES AND JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FEEL ABOUT THAT

and ofc OFC peter would be the only person to see thru regulus from the start (soon remus catches on too and its just him and peter being little shits dropping "subtle" hints about whats happening

ig ima have to write it 🙄🙄 EDIT: CHAPTER ONE NOW OUT:

By evix, and reposted with permission.

good things snape did:

- ship wolfstar

- kill dumbledore

- die