Lily: Why Do You Want To Be A Prefect Anyways?

SIRIUS MODERN MODEL AU!!!!! Shoutout to the insomniacs, here's a late night post. Tumblr privilege is seeing everything hours before instagram does.

me: ugh i hate cliches

harry potter fanfiction: they were partners at the potions class and the assignment was to do amortentia and they realized they were each other's favorite smell

me: OH MY GOD THEY WERE EACH OTHER'S FAVORITE SMELL 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Sirius, bipolar disorder and 1981

I’ve held the headcanon for a while that Sirius being bipolar was a fundamental part of his breakdown in 1981, that led to him believing Remus was the spy and failing to prevent Lily and James’s deaths, as well as ultimately being the reason Remus was persuaded that Sirius (not entirely consciously) betrayed James and committed mass-murder. so I’ve laid out all my thoughts about this below

Sirius’s breakdown leading up to Oct 31, 1981

bipolar episodes of mania/depression are not responses to external events in the same way regular depression or anxiety are. they will inevitably happen at some point however stable your life is. however, a traumatic event can sometimes trigger a period of mania/depression that spirals beyond the actual event itself

there is no doubt that Sirius was experiencing compound trauma by 1981. there isn’t any specific canon as to when he became involved in the Order, but we know by this point he was deep in the fight and presumably had been for around a year or more. he was living with the constant, extreme stress of being in potentially fatal missions, as well as the risk of losing his loved ones who were doing the same

Sirius’s friendship with James and the impact the danger he faced had on Sirius during this period is fundamental to his breakdown. James was central to his conception of safety and stability. he rescued him emotionally and later physically from his abusive home, and gave him a new loving one. without James, Sirius doesn’t have a home - and therefore the world simply doesn’t make sense. there’s no doubt Sirius would have been living in absolute terror of having his world quite literally torn apart. this would have been magnified tenfold when the specific threat to Harry and therefore James and Lily became apparent, and Sirius had to watch as a war against a fascist terror group became a defense of his best friend’s family being hunted by an unimaginably powerful dark wizard

part of bipolar disorder is the subconscious knowledge that you will at some point crash. there is a sense of inevitability of your world falling apart, like constantly living in a movie waiting for the third act tragedy. for Sirius, watching his world quite literally fall apart, this would undoubtedly have triggered that underlying fear. he is expecting the worst, knowing that it’s going to happen, because it always has

Sirius believing Remus was the spy

Sirius’s struggle with bipolar disorder would lead to his seemingly irrational suspicion of Remus for two main reasons

first is that the chronic instability and tendency toward self-destruction that Sirius experiences as a part of bd is inseparable from his relationship with Remus. breaking up in the heat of manic or depressive episodes is a common bipolar symptom. Remus with his own trauma and mental health issues would never be capable of creating enough stability for the both of them as their relationship formed, and adding into that the struggles of being a gay man in the 70s/80s, they never developed a strong foundation as teens

so the second point is how putting this under the pressure cooker of war doomed them from the outset. without external support or stability, Sirius was always going to spiral down, and Remus would always be unable to cope. by 1981 Sirius is overwhelmed with fear over losing James and utterly unable to think rationally. he’s being pushed to the brink on Order missions. he’s convinced his the world is going to crash down around him. he’s lashing out at the people closest to him and destroying things just for the misguided feeling of control. Remus is watching this happen but is also swept up in his own chronic terror and mental instability, and is utterly unable to understand what Sirius is doing or going through, let alone try and stop it. they are both crashing down around each other, with the very fear they have of losing each other tearing them further apart

at some point I think Sirius simply convinces himself its Remus - because he’s the one hurting him so much with his own part in destroying their relationship, because if anyone is going to tear his world to pieces it would be the one he’s most vulnerable to, because if you want to bring about the destruction by yourself of course you’d pick the person you can hurt the most, because the world is stealing everything from him so of course it would still the one beautiful, tender, miraculous thing he has

Remus being persuaded Sirius betrayed James and Lily

I’m writing ‘persuaded’ deliberately, because there is no way that Remus would instantly believe Sirius could betray James or even murder Peter and a crowd of muggles. they had been friends for over ten years, living in each other’s pockets and they knew each other inside and out. they had built incredibly deep and meaningful bonds as a group. Remus would struggle to believe that Sirius could kill Peter, but he may in the end come to accept it. but he could never, ever have watched Sirius and James for ten years and believe he would consciously betray him

instead, I think Remus came to believe through the persuasion of others (Dumbledore specifically, particularly if you go with the idea he had an interest in keeping Sirius in Azkaban) that Sirius had a breakdown and acted with such reckless self-destruction he inadvertently brought about James and Lily’s deaths. Remus had been dragged down in Sirius’s spiral for a year or longer; if they were by that point together, he would have seen Sirius at his most vulnerable and raw, and understood better than anyone his capacity for manic, irrational self-destruction. he’d seen Sirius do similar things the entire time he’d known him - the prank, for example, which easily fits into a similar theme. Remus knows Sirius is capable of this, he knows he was truly out of his mind with fear

and I think that’s where the anger comes from (aside from fury over him murdering Peter and other innocent people) - that Sirius had spent so long causing harm and never ever learned, that he’d refused to confront his own demons and take responsibility for his destructive tendencies, and in the end it had torn their worlds apart. the fire that had made him so passionate, so full of life, so brave, so loving and so devoted had also made him uncontrollably deadly - it’s not hard to imagine that when Remus more than anyone experienced one side so intensely, he could imagine what the other could lead to

I, personally, don’t think even in a manic state Sirius would ever come close to betraying James. but I think that for Remus, a terrified, traumatised 21 year old who’d lost both his parents and his best friends, had spent three years caught up in a war between two sides that both wanted him dead, and had watched his relationship with the love of his life break down in front of him, it’s a realistic conclusion to come to

Conclusion

mental health issues are intrinsically wound up with Sirius’s story and the tragedies he experiences. i think it’s a disservice to his character to overlook them, especially when fic takes only a shallow look at the sadder, messier parts of his life because it has a tendency towards simply trauma porn. bipolar disorder is my particular headcanon, and I’ve detailed a strong argument for it, but there are plenty of other valid interpretations as well. whichever way Sirius is written, though, at least complying somewhat with canon, the impact of mental health on the complexity of his character and story can’t be overlooked

the other side of the coin to this tragedy is the beauty of Sirius’s escape, formation of his relationship with Harry, and his reunion and reconciliation with Remus. Sirius’s fiery mania is turned into a positive, enabling the incredible feats of breaking out of Azkaban, and living on the rough for two years whilst evading the Ministry’s hunt. it also of course sees older, wiser versions of Sirius and Remus who can look their own and each other’s demons in the eye, face up to them with honesty and courage, and build the relationship they should have had all along. 

Regulus’ relationship with touch is, to put it mildly… complicated.

At a surface level, he hates it. In second year when he makes the quidditch team an older boy claps him on the shoulder to congratulate him, and he has to lock his knees to stop them buckling in an attempt to get as far away as fast as possible. Pandora is nice, he supposes, in a sly way he thinks is as much artifice as his own blank politeness, but every time she pulls him into a hug it makes his skin crawl. In fourth year his first kiss is with Barty, both of them tipsy in the dorm they share with four other boys, and Barty takes his face in clammy hands and lays a wet, messy kiss upon his mouth; and, well, it sucks. Not just because they’re fourteen with no idea what they’re doing, but because all it stirs in Regulus is that same uncomfortable prickling, and the desire to shuffle away, and wrap up in his bed sheets so no one is able to touch him any more.

(He spent a long time growing to understand that touch = pain, that his mother’s fingers on his jaw were sharp and bruising, that whenever his father put a hand on his shoulder it was heavy and controlling. Sirius stopped holding his hand when they played together after he turned seven; by the time he starts Hogwarts, he doesn’t remember whether that felt nice or not, and Sirius never touches him any more in a manner that could help him figure that out.)

Beneath that, though, he craves it. Sleep comes uneasily to Regulus, but when he lays his head in Dorcas’ lap and she strokes her fingers through his hair it’s the easiest thing to drift off, for once free of dreams. Pandora - who watches, and learns, and figures Regulus out before even he knows what’s wrong with him - wraps an arm around his waist, gentle pressure with her palm steady against his ribs, and he melts into her side. The second time Barty kisses him, when they’re a little older and understand a little better what they’re doing, he keeps his hands to himself, and his mouth is soft and obliging, and Regulus actually enjoys the string of chaste, gentle kisses.

(He does figure it out, eventually. Not that it’s not what it appears at the surface too, his being touch-adverse but also touch-starved, a complicated and uncomfortable mixture of wanting so badly for someone to touch him but then wanting to rip off his skin the second they do; but it’s also about the kind of touch. Regulus can’t stand heavy pressure, can’t stand to be confined or constricted or moved against his will. Pandora changes tactics as soon as she figures that out; and then she talks to the rest of Regulus’ friends about how to touch him in ways he’s comfortable with.)

The Marauders shouldn’t be good at working around this. They’re brash and loud and pushy, and James has spent years ignoring Lily Evans’ carefully established boundaries, pursuing her harder with every piss off; but they’re actually better at it than most.

Remus never touches Regulus without first asking, and when he’s granted permission he always approaches things carefully. He never holds onto Regulus, only leads him if he’s trying to show him something, and it’s nice when he nudges their shoulders together, the pressure gentle but warm, solid.

Peter doesn’t talk to him very much, but he holds Regulus’ hand sometimes. Not with interlocked fingers - because Regulus cannot stand that - but palm to palm, thumbs crossed, Peter’s hand warm and dry against Regulus’ own.

James Potter is infuriating. James pokes at him, and wraps his arm around his shoulders, and laughs into Regulus’ shoulder and against his cheek, and when he’s tired will sometimes lean his forehead against the nape of Regulus’ neck while he complains; but it’s… fine, for some reason. Regulus is still trying to figure out why that is.

Sirius still never touches him; and it’s not until after he’s run away that Regulus finally figures out that it’s because he’s scared of hurting him, of making him flinch away the way he did from Bellatrix when they were small, or from almost everyone else that first year he was at Hogwarts.

Regulus huffs in irritation after Remus is done telling him, and storms up to his brother, and wraps his arms around his waist in a tight hug with his cheek pressed to his chest.

Just ask me what’s okay, idiot, he mutters against him; and when Sirius tentatively wraps his arms around his shoulders, gentle enough that Regulus doesn’t feel trapped, he hugs him tighter.

Barty: Potter, you like Regulus, right?

James: Wha, n-no, what are you on about?

Barty: Okay, now that's sorted, do you want to fake date me?

James: Barty, I'm flattered but I have feelings for someone else.

Barty: Yeah I know, Regulus, that's the whole point.

Barty: Also, I said fake date Potter, get your hearing checked.

James: I'm sorry, but why would we fake date?

Barty: Salazar, I don't get what Regulus sees in you, you're as dense as fucking brick.

James: What?

Barty: I guess I have to spell it out to you. I am Regulus's ex. If we pretend to date it will make him so jealous. He'll see straight through it, realise what you are doing and you'll be going out in a few weeks.

James: Wait, what's the catch?

Barty: Catch? That is litterally it?

James: That plan doesn't benefit you at all? Of course there's a catch?

Barty: Oh, but you see it very much benefits me because Evan is going to react the exact same way as Regulus, towards me.

RIP Black family. You would've loved Conan Gray.

Sirius when he catches James and Regulus going at it for the third time this week:

"Remus and James bonding over liking the Black Brothers" blah blah, give me Regulus and Sirius muttering to each other in French whenever either of their respective crushes does literally anything. Give me the Black Brothers being so beyond fucked with who they like that they turn to each other

Reading fanfic has heightened my paranoia. Somebody could be directly across from me on the other side of the room with no reasonable way of being able to see my phone screen but I always have that nagging feeling that somehow everyone in the room knows exactly what sins I’m committing and are severely disappointed in me.

remus x sirius

By likeafunerall, and reposted with permission.