Lily: So, Being An Animagus Doesn't Impact Your Normal Human Lifespan, Does It?

Remus: People say, ‘But Remus, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’

Remus: Well, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.

Alphard: Are you gonna make sure nobody picks on your brother?

Sirius: Mhmm

Alphard: You're gonna stick up for him?

Sirius: Yeah

Alphard: What does he have? Do you remember what it's called?

Sirius: Auto-Autumn...

Alphard: Autistic?

Sirius: Autistic!

Alphard: And if kids pick on your brother, what are you gonna do?

Sirius: Kill them

Alphard: ...reasonable

Harry, making the 173871th mistake in potions: fuck, what did I do.

Draco, his partner: you genuinely need to be studied because how the fuck.

Marauders edition of this

Inspired by the fic: “A Black Mass Over Highway Ninety” what honestly very quickly became one of my favorite fics by @greenvlvetcouch

Prefect: Welcome first years! Let’s get to know each other. Please describe yourself for everyone in a couple of words

Regulus *deadpanned*: Vaguely creepy with a dash of ugly

Prefect: I- Oh. Ok.

Reading fanfic has heightened my paranoia. Somebody could be directly across from me on the other side of the room with no reasonable way of being able to see my phone screen but I always have that nagging feeling that somehow everyone in the room knows exactly what sins I’m committing and are severely disappointed in me.

At the Yule ball

*three of the marauders standing together, Sirius and Remus as each other’s date and James secretly waiting for his*

Regulus: *walks into the great hall in the Oscar’s outfit YALL know which one*

James: *wide eyed as he spots regulus* *gulping*

Sirius: what??

James:

Sirius: *spots regulus* *looks at James* *looks at regulus*

Sirius: Merlins bullocks! *marches over to regulus* hi Reggie!! You look dashing! Now tell me, Where are the rest of your clothes?

Regulus: can’t say the same about you, and it’s none of your business. Go back to your stupid friends. *regulus smiles and winks at James*

James: *blushing*

Sirius: *looks at james* *looks at regulus*

Remus: *sees the relization on sirius* oh shit si-

Sirius: WHAT? JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER! MY BABY BROTHER?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? Don’t answer that!

James: *runs*

Sirius: *rants in French* *runs after him*

Barty: Potter, you like Regulus, right?

James: Wha, n-no, what are you on about?

Barty: Okay, now that's sorted, do you want to fake date me?

James: Barty, I'm flattered but I have feelings for someone else.

Barty: Yeah I know, Regulus, that's the whole point.

Barty: Also, I said fake date Potter, get your hearing checked.

James: I'm sorry, but why would we fake date?

Barty: Salazar, I don't get what Regulus sees in you, you're as dense as fucking brick.

James: What?

Barty: I guess I have to spell it out to you. I am Regulus's ex. If we pretend to date it will make him so jealous. He'll see straight through it, realise what you are doing and you'll be going out in a few weeks.

James: Wait, what's the catch?

Barty: Catch? That is litterally it?

James: That plan doesn't benefit you at all? Of course there's a catch?

Barty: Oh, but you see it very much benefits me because Evan is going to react the exact same way as Regulus, towards me.

Remus: *puts bread on Sirius’ face, idiot sandwich style*

Remus: *trying not to laugh* what are you?

Sirius:

Remus: you—you’re inbred!