Artist - Eva Kosmos

A brown skinned girl

I made my Animoji the other day

And I felt satisfied

seeing myself winking a buldgy bubbly wink

But it wasn’t until my friend

This man

Judged me for the way I made her look

“Whaaa? Why the frick does it look like this? Are you trying to be darker?”

I sink in my seat

“You wanna sing brown skin girl so bad. Do you wanna be darker?”

I can’t respond.

“It’s okay, I wanna be darker too.”

But that’s not what I said.

That’s not how I felt.

It took me awhile to embrace the skin that I was in.

In 1st grade I asked my teacher how to spell Carmel, chocolate, and butterscotch

I wanted to know all my delectable choices

I wanted to find the sweet spot that described me just right.

Rich and full of healthy coco goodness.

But as I grew people assumed I was mixed.

Milk + chocolate.

Maybe cookies and cream.

I was definitely called an Oreo, and at the time it made sense.

But I am mixed with my mom and my dad.

Dark Chocolate

And butterscotch.

And rich combination.

I thought I was cute because other people found my skin and curls desirable.

But they didn’t find me desirable just my lightly coated exterior.

One summer I was working hard and someone spotted me from not to far and they said ,

“Briana is that you? Damn you got crispy! I didn’t even recognize you.”

I was hurt.

I got use to the comfort I found in the hungry eyes of others.

But only when i was looked at as a delectable 9/12 months of the year.

In the summer I baked, and it shifted the way I was received.

I moved One summer, and was told that I couldn’t claim the end of the spectrum I thought I belonged on.

“You can’t be light skin. This dude is light skin. Your brown”

I said

it’s summer.

I’m tan.

it’ll fade.

Itll... fade....

My desirability will grow when my tan fades

Don’t worry

I might be a little over done now, but find me on display in the winter, you’ll see I’ll be just right for the picking.

How awful did that self loathing taste.

It took another mans validation for me to embrace my tan.

“Your not crispy, your glowing”

Your right I am

For the first time I got sum burned,

But that nap under the sun was truly worth it,

Because all the light I absorbed in that day,

I exuded over the rest of the summer.

Even though it hurt, I was walking in a skin that felt just right .

I realized that I could also be desirable in all my shades all year round.

But then in a summer of transformation, I started to feel Green.

I danced till my spirit moved,

I leaped, and twirled around the magnetic power that held me together.

Truly I was green until the mirror reminded me otherwise.

Truly I was the air,

Breathing with the sky.

I was so much more then a shade,

I was the light.

I got comfortable with me.

I validated my self , with the pleasure of existences.

The summer I turned green I couldn’t tell you what the rest of the world saw me as, nor did I care.

I WAS FREAKING GREEN!

But I recently stopped dancing.

I recently overfilled myself with things of the world and I’ve lost touch with the colors of my spirit.

So to hear,

“You wanna be brown skin so bad.. “

Felt so uncomfortable.

I have brown skin.

The world will call me black,

And I know that inside I’m green.

But my skin is literally brown.

Regardless what shade my brown takes at this point in time... it’s still brown.

It’s still just skin.

But honestly it just made me want to find myself back to the summer where I discovered I was Greene.

I wanna keep losing myself in the vibrations of the earth.

I wanna know what’s shade I’m in now, tomorrow, and the infinity of beyond.

Is it green?

or have I shifted to a saturated burgandy?

I wonder if I’ve got polka dots hidden under my layers of rich rich red.

There’s only one way to find out.

Time to deep dive out of the pools of others desires of and into the ocean of divinity that’s contained by this ever shifting brown skin.

*Watching Netflix peacefully*

*Remembers 6 exams, 2 assignments and a presentation*

*Watches Netflix stressfully*

There are 7 billion people on the planet and not one of them thought they should reach out for me

My life’s mission is to ensure that dreams of others around me are fulfilled.

I want to help as many people as I can

I want to love so hard because I don’t want anyone to feel as unspported as I do.

They say what goes around comes around

Treat others the way you want to be treated

Love thy neighbor as they self

Lead by Example

I’ve strived to be the best friend , neighbor, partner, person that a person could exist next to

I’ve crafted scenarios for people to gather and be happy around me

But have failed to have people want to gather with me

I’ve failed at being invited

I’ve failed myself

I’ve stayed in relationships way longer then I needed to

Or wanted to

Because I didn’t want to be alone

I stayed with an abusive man and tried to make myself what he wanted just so I could be the girl who he wanted to love.

I just wanted some to think I was deserving of love

I’ve crafted parties to invite people over in hopes that theyd like me.

They enjoyed themselves and then continued to ignore me day after day.

My parties came and went and no one but me remembered what we did

No one but me cared

No one but me ever remembered my birthdays

When I’m sad I send a text looking for a conversation

But It’s hard for people to hold on to them with me

Or it seems like it’s hard for others to check on me before months have flown by

Yes, I’m the friend who always calls first.

My own grandparents don’t even call to check on me

Ive exhausted myself reaching out to others being the only one to maintain relationships.

Ive said I’m only gonna interact with people who care to interact with me

And then I grow even darker when the truth settles in and it’s just me and Jesus sitting in a room staring at each other.

JC is great don’t get me wrong

He’s the only reason I even know what love is

He’s the reason I keep giving day after day

Sometimes I think I’ll get real friends when I’m older

I’ll have built my empire up and then when I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be at the exact moment I’m suppose to be there, I’ll look around at all the like minded people I’ve loved and who have loved me sitting around a table and I’ll be grateful.

Greatful that there were real friends for me I just had to be patient to find them.

But it’s sad to think that that day isn’t today and the chances of it being tomorrow aren’t any brighter

Maybe next week

Maybe next year

Maybe when I move states, Change my name, shave my head and morph into the Person who people want to be friends with.

Real friends.

Friends who think of you and just send you a message.

A gif

A tag in an article.

A friend who just lets you know they love you.

Until then I’ll keep trying to be that friend.

I’ll keep putting that energy and that love out there

And I’ll do my best to graciously wait for it to return.

This is what it looks like when your surrounded by love but don’t know how to feel it

Mr.Nobody

Today I watched a movie about a 9 year old who didn’t like to make decision unless he knew how it would change his life.

In this film I thought about myself

Naturally

And the unnatural parts about me

Like

And this is no joke

Sometimes I think I see the future

I use to say I could either see myself dying really young or really old and there was never any in between

I’ve seen my life with a boy

I’ve seen our family

I’ve seen the Christmas card

I’ve seen us taking over the world

I’ve seen myself with another boy

And us rocking in chairs together

Us laying in bed as the kids ran up and down the halls

I’ve seen us holding hands over breakfast

And bickering before bed

I’ve seen a life where I’m with a women

And she makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life

Never is there a moment that we don’t see the brighter side of things

We live in California I think

Because every time I think of us it’s always so sunny

Sometimes I see myself alone

I have a cat

And I mostly wear simple blacks and Denim

I work hard

My home has few plants

I get so much accomplished and I am really successful

But I’m alone

I’ve seen a life where I die at 27

With a white lighter in my hand

I lived an artsy life

I had enough stories for everyone to talk about st the funeral

But I was never truly myself

I was drowning in my obsession of chasing happiness

And one day I don’t make it

I’ve seen myself jump from many ledges

Crash the same car over and over

Crash someone else car

I’ve seen myself as an old lady who lives at the end of the culd es sac

I bake pies

And give piano lessons

I wave at the kids who board the bus for school

It’s actually just the house at the end of my block now

I’ve seen myself many different ways but which one is right

I don’t think I’ve decided yet

Sometimes I’ve seen myself on a path

And I know I could choose it

It’s clear as day what that life would be

But something says no

Something says this isn’t meant for me

And I listen

And I turn away

I may be left in known

But it’s my life to discover

I’ll figure it out

And each choice I make is always the right one

Even the choices I didn’t make

They were right too

Just for a different me

Or a me that doesn’t know it’s me

And sometimes

Things I didn’t choose now just weren’t meant for this moment

We can’t go back

Nothing with ever be the same

And time will always move forward regardless if we’re pushing it or standing still and it’s passing by

But whatever is meant to be will be

If I said no today maybe tomorrow it’ll be

If I said goodbye last week maybe in the next twenty years I’ll be ready for our next hello

Maybe I made a decision that made it easier for someone else to make another decision

Maybe I oberlooked something for someone else to find

Maybe I’m not the me I want to be

Maybe the me I didn’t choose is still waiting for me to discover her

Or them

Or him

But the me I am is the me I was meant to be

The me I will be was always meant for me

I’ll get there

Because I am me

I am me

I am

I

It’s crazy

All this awareness is incredible

And I love that education is being pushed

But it’s also triggering

For some reason I feel like I want to share this information

But I don’t want to be an advocate because it feels like I’m advocating myself as a victim

as a person who has a storie

As a survivor

The awareness of sexual assault is triggering

I want to help someone

And yet I don’t want to advertise that I can help because I’ve had my own experiences too

I don’t want you to wonder about me

I don’t want you to ask me questions

I’ve been trying to figure out how to heal on my own

Sometimes if I need to I talk about it

Sometimes if I’m the confidant , then I’ll share my experience for the both of us to find peace

But idky posting a flyer is nerve racking

Idky having my art be apart of an awareness exhibition is odd

My art came from a place of pain

My art is therapeutic

And I took a chance to submit my piece and now that I’ve been selected

I feel weird

I was assaulted numerous times by numerous people and I still don’t know how to talk about it

I’ve recently discovered that sometimes the art I make resembles artwork of other survivors

Why does pain look the same

How can I not explain my feelings but my art can

And why does displaying my art feel like I’m displaying my trauma and asking people to be proud of me ? Or to analyze ? And ask questions??

Idky this gives me so much panic

It feels paradoxical

I feel trapped all over again

I want to help

I don’t want this to happen to anyone else

Ever

But I also don’t want to talk about it publicly

Idk how

“Go Away”