A Brown Skinned Girl

A brown skinned girl

I made my Animoji the other day

And I felt satisfied

seeing myself winking a buldgy bubbly wink

But it wasn’t until my friend

This man

Judged me for the way I made her look

“Whaaa? Why the frick does it look like this? Are you trying to be darker?”

I sink in my seat

“You wanna sing brown skin girl so bad. Do you wanna be darker?”

I can’t respond.

“It’s okay, I wanna be darker too.”

But that’s not what I said.

That’s not how I felt.

It took me awhile to embrace the skin that I was in.

In 1st grade I asked my teacher how to spell Carmel, chocolate, and butterscotch

I wanted to know all my delectable choices

I wanted to find the sweet spot that described me just right.

Rich and full of healthy coco goodness.

But as I grew people assumed I was mixed.

Milk + chocolate.

Maybe cookies and cream.

I was definitely called an Oreo, and at the time it made sense.

But I am mixed with my mom and my dad.

Dark Chocolate

And butterscotch.

And rich combination.

I thought I was cute because other people found my skin and curls desirable.

But they didn’t find me desirable just my lightly coated exterior.

One summer I was working hard and someone spotted me from not to far and they said ,

“Briana is that you? Damn you got crispy! I didn’t even recognize you.”

I was hurt.

I got use to the comfort I found in the hungry eyes of others.

But only when i was looked at as a delectable 9/12 months of the year.

In the summer I baked, and it shifted the way I was received.

I moved One summer, and was told that I couldn’t claim the end of the spectrum I thought I belonged on.

“You can’t be light skin. This dude is light skin. Your brown”

I said

it’s summer.

I’m tan.

it’ll fade.

Itll... fade....

My desirability will grow when my tan fades

Don’t worry

I might be a little over done now, but find me on display in the winter, you’ll see I’ll be just right for the picking.

How awful did that self loathing taste.

It took another mans validation for me to embrace my tan.

“Your not crispy, your glowing”

Your right I am

For the first time I got sum burned,

But that nap under the sun was truly worth it,

Because all the light I absorbed in that day,

I exuded over the rest of the summer.

Even though it hurt, I was walking in a skin that felt just right .

I realized that I could also be desirable in all my shades all year round.

But then in a summer of transformation, I started to feel Green.

I danced till my spirit moved,

I leaped, and twirled around the magnetic power that held me together.

Truly I was green until the mirror reminded me otherwise.

Truly I was the air,

Breathing with the sky.

I was so much more then a shade,

I was the light.

I got comfortable with me.

I validated my self , with the pleasure of existences.

The summer I turned green I couldn’t tell you what the rest of the world saw me as, nor did I care.

I WAS FREAKING GREEN!

But I recently stopped dancing.

I recently overfilled myself with things of the world and I’ve lost touch with the colors of my spirit.

So to hear,

“You wanna be brown skin so bad.. “

Felt so uncomfortable.

I have brown skin.

The world will call me black,

And I know that inside I’m green.

But my skin is literally brown.

Regardless what shade my brown takes at this point in time... it’s still brown.

It’s still just skin.

But honestly it just made me want to find myself back to the summer where I discovered I was Greene.

I wanna keep losing myself in the vibrations of the earth.

I wanna know what’s shade I’m in now, tomorrow, and the infinity of beyond.

Is it green?

or have I shifted to a saturated burgandy?

I wonder if I’ve got polka dots hidden under my layers of rich rich red.

There’s only one way to find out.

Time to deep dive out of the pools of others desires of and into the ocean of divinity that’s contained by this ever shifting brown skin.

I woke up like this

Today I woke up to such a strange feeling

I think it was love.

I woke up wanting to sing and I didn’t stop myself

I woke up wanting to kiss every inch of my body because I was overwhelmed with how much I appreciated it keeping me safe

How it’s kept me going

I kissed my gently crafted skin because it’s one of a kind

It was made just for me and it’ll stay just mine

How special is that

That this body was made for me by someone who loved me and wanted me to love it too

And I do

So I kissed my skin again and again

Thanking God for making it

Making me

Deeming me worthy to even wake up THIS morning.

For giving me the chance to use my being to do something Good today.

For filling me with this peace and gratitude for existence that I had been asking for.

This was no mere coincidence waking up this way

This was an answered prayer

I still haven’t left my bed

Wanting to float in this feeling

Not wanting to disturb the serenity that this moment of time has provided .

God I don’t know what I’ve done different.

But thank you

I’m excited to share this with someone

I know my smile to be contagious

And today’s glow,

I hope

better spread like a wild fire.

1 note View Post

nova-rose-greene

5 years ago

There are 7 billion people on the planet and not one of them thought they should reach out for me

My life’s mission is to ensure that dreams of others around me are fulfilled.

I want to help as many people as I can

I want to love so hard because I don’t want anyone to feel as unspported as I do.

They say what goes around comes around

Treat others the way you want to be treated

Love thy neighbor as they self

Lead by Example

I’ve strived to be the best friend , neighbor, partner, person that a person could exist next to

I’ve crafted scenarios for people to gather and be happy around me

But have failed to have people want to gather with me

I’ve failed at being invited

I’ve failed myself

I’ve stayed in relationships way longer then I needed to

Or wanted to

Because I didn’t want to be alone

I stayed with an abusive man and tried to make myself what he wanted just so I could be the girl who he wanted to love.

I just wanted some to think I was deserving of love

I’ve crafted parties to invite people over in hopes that theyd like me.

They enjoyed themselves and then continued to ignore me day after day.

My parties came and went and no one but me remembered what we did

No one but me cared

No one but me ever remembered my birthdays

When I’m sad I send a text looking for a conversation

But It’s hard for people to hold on to them with me

Or it seems like it’s hard for others to check on me before months have flown by

Yes, I’m the friend who always calls first.

My own grandparents don’t even call to check on me

Ive exhausted myself reaching out to others being the only one to maintain relationships.

Ive said I’m only gonna interact with people who care to interact with me

And then I grow even darker when the truth settles in and it’s just me and Jesus sitting in a room staring at each other.

JC is great don’t get me wrong

He’s the only reason I even know what love is

He’s the reason I keep giving day after day

Sometimes I think I’ll get real friends when I’m older

I’ll have built my empire up and then when I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be at the exact moment I’m suppose to be there, I’ll look around at all the like minded people I’ve loved and who have loved me sitting around a table and I’ll be grateful.

Greatful that there were real friends for me I just had to be patient to find them.

But it’s sad to think that that day isn’t today and the chances of it being tomorrow aren’t any brighter

Maybe next week

Maybe next year

Maybe when I move states, Change my name, shave my head and morph into the Person who people want to be friends with.

Real friends.

Friends who think of you and just send you a message.

A gif

A tag in an article.

A friend who just lets you know they love you.

Until then I’ll keep trying to be that friend.

I’ll keep putting that energy and that love out there