I’m Starting To Find Myself Thinking About What I’m Suppose To Do Versus What I Want To Do.

Today,

I found my bathroom to be particularly interesting.

Why don’t we take photos with curiosity anymore.

Well

Why don’t I take curious photos anymore

?

Willow Smith for CR Fashion Book

Space Room 

I’m shivering because it’s fall .... and I have boarder Line crippling anxiety

It’s that time of year

Where it’s time to bundle up

Each year we get older

And the weather gets colder

Each year we say we’ll do better

And we end up further from the start and the finish

We end up confused

Cold

Bundled

Ready for warmth

And yet shivering

And yet outside

Trying to get somewhere warm

Trying to get comfortable

Trying to grasp onto something familiar and drastically different all at once

I don’t want summer of 90 blah

Or autumn of 2000 and whoa

I want a future

Where I am taken care of

Where I can take care of myself

Where stepping outside isn’t stepping into cold darkness

Where traveling isn’t risky

I want a future where I can be

Peacefully crooning in a treehouse

Today i was in a spot light

My being was presented

My words were put out into the world for pondering and examination

And In that air I sat

I heard myself

And in my reflection

I panicked

I opened my book to take notes

And ran away in my writing

I ran into pages of frantic scribbles , dreams, and self deprication

I started off with how bad this went

How bad I am

And then ended up in a happier place

In a treehouse I built myself

Where I’ve crafted an isolated and safe space where I can participate in society in the most minimal ways possible and yet still feel somewhat okay

I hid in my written treehouse till I was yanked out of the viewing of me

Till It all came to a close and next steps were being presented

Next steps

I have to move forward

I still had to take the experience

Bundle it in my coat

And take it home with me

On my dark and lonely walk home

I shivered

I shook

With every breeze

With every doubt

With every second of air that gave me not a single ounce of peace

It’s fall in the city

It’s a new kind of season

It’s a new section of this life

An oddly familiar and vastly unknown section of life

Idk what to expect

Ik I can talk myself up

I know I can cheerlead myway to a happy place

But it’s fall

It wants to be warm

It’s colors, the sweaters we buy

It all screams warmth

But it’s fall

It’s cold

Darkness last longer

There’s little time

And much to do

I woke up like this

Today I woke up to such a strange feeling

I think it was love.

I woke up wanting to sing and I didn’t stop myself

I woke up wanting to kiss every inch of my body because I was overwhelmed with how much I appreciated it keeping me safe

How it’s kept me going

I kissed my gently crafted skin because it’s one of a kind

It was made just for me and it’ll stay just mine

How special is that

That this body was made for me by someone who loved me and wanted me to love it too

And I do

So I kissed my skin again and again

Thanking God for making it

Making me

Deeming me worthy to even wake up THIS morning.

For giving me the chance to use my being to do something Good today.

For filling me with this peace and gratitude for existence that I had been asking for.

This was no mere coincidence waking up this way

This was an answered prayer

I still haven’t left my bed

Wanting to float in this feeling

Not wanting to disturb the serenity that this moment of time has provided .

God I don’t know what I’ve done different.

But thank you

I’m excited to share this with someone

I know my smile to be contagious

And today’s glow,

I hope

better spread like a wild fire.

#Black Excellence

It’s crazy

All this awareness is incredible

And I love that education is being pushed

But it’s also triggering

For some reason I feel like I want to share this information

But I don’t want to be an advocate because it feels like I’m advocating myself as a victim

as a person who has a storie

As a survivor

The awareness of sexual assault is triggering

I want to help someone

And yet I don’t want to advertise that I can help because I’ve had my own experiences too

I don’t want you to wonder about me

I don’t want you to ask me questions

I’ve been trying to figure out how to heal on my own

Sometimes if I need to I talk about it

Sometimes if I’m the confidant , then I’ll share my experience for the both of us to find peace

But idky posting a flyer is nerve racking

Idky having my art be apart of an awareness exhibition is odd

My art came from a place of pain

My art is therapeutic

And I took a chance to submit my piece and now that I’ve been selected

I feel weird

I was assaulted numerous times by numerous people and I still don’t know how to talk about it

I’ve recently discovered that sometimes the art I make resembles artwork of other survivors

Why does pain look the same

How can I not explain my feelings but my art can

And why does displaying my art feel like I’m displaying my trauma and asking people to be proud of me ? Or to analyze ? And ask questions??

Idky this gives me so much panic

It feels paradoxical

I feel trapped all over again

I want to help

I don’t want this to happen to anyone else

Ever

But I also don’t want to talk about it publicly

Idk how

“Go Away”

Are You That Somebody?

IG: tyronewilkinsjr YT: tyronewilkinsjr