I’m Shivering Because It’s Fall .... And I Have Boarder Line Crippling Anxiety

I’m shivering because it’s fall .... and I have boarder Line crippling anxiety

It’s that time of year

Where it’s time to bundle up

Each year we get older

And the weather gets colder

Each year we say we’ll do better

And we end up further from the start and the finish

We end up confused

Cold

Bundled

Ready for warmth

And yet shivering

And yet outside

Trying to get somewhere warm

Trying to get comfortable

Trying to grasp onto something familiar and drastically different all at once

I don’t want summer of 90 blah

Or autumn of 2000 and whoa

I want a future

Where I am taken care of

Where I can take care of myself

Where stepping outside isn’t stepping into cold darkness

Where traveling isn’t risky

I want a future where I can be

Peacefully crooning in a treehouse

Today i was in a spot light

My being was presented

My words were put out into the world for pondering and examination

And In that air I sat

I heard myself

And in my reflection

I panicked

I opened my book to take notes

And ran away in my writing

I ran into pages of frantic scribbles , dreams, and self deprication

I started off with how bad this went

How bad I am

And then ended up in a happier place

In a treehouse I built myself

Where I’ve crafted an isolated and safe space where I can participate in society in the most minimal ways possible and yet still feel somewhat okay

I hid in my written treehouse till I was yanked out of the viewing of me

Till It all came to a close and next steps were being presented

Next steps

I have to move forward

I still had to take the experience

Bundle it in my coat

And take it home with me

On my dark and lonely walk home

I shivered

I shook

With every breeze

With every doubt

With every second of air that gave me not a single ounce of peace

It’s fall in the city

It’s a new kind of season

It’s a new section of this life

An oddly familiar and vastly unknown section of life

Idk what to expect

Ik I can talk myself up

I know I can cheerlead myway to a happy place

But it’s fall

It wants to be warm

It’s colors, the sweaters we buy

It all screams warmth

But it’s fall

It’s cold

Darkness last longer

There’s little time

And much to do