I’m So Tired Of Having To Do This To Myself. I Feel So Much Emotional Pain Only Physical Pain Can Help.

nobody fucking cares about me and i don't know what i'm holding on for

now we got problems

TW s3lf harm

One month clean... I have first therapy today and i'm stressed out

#selfh4rm #cvts #s3lfh@rm #styrotwt #styrocvts #bl@des looking 4 mutuals:)

My scars have been fading as well and their barely there at this point but if you really want to see them you can, this is exactly how I feel.

You can’t see them anymore, my scars, unless you really want to. 

I have photos to prove that they were there. 

And I have enough hatred for myself left to see them now. 

They’re going to get clearer and clearer and I’m going to hate myself more and more and I don’t want people to put up with that. 

But at the same time, I can’t bring myself to keep them faded. 

Because they’re a part of me, now, forever. Battle scars. 

Maybe, also, it’s a part of feeling valid. As if seeing them makes me entitled to the bad days that I occasionally have. The days of suffocating panic and the constant ‘scars, scars, scars, scars’ that runs through my head. 

Well, look. I don’t have these days often, and they come with the reappearance of my scars in summertime. 

So, really, I’m just silly. 

I just want to love myself. Scars and all. 

And I can’t just get rid of them. That wouldn’t be fair. 

So what am I meant to do?

Ignoring them doesn’t work, and hiding them isn’t practical. 

They’re starting to reappear, slowly. The sun has that effect. 

I dislike it but why am I making no effort to fix it?

I think I covered that, but I do have the tendency to circle. 

I want to cry and that is remarkably stupid but I do. 

I do. 

“I knew everything had changed when I looked into your eyes and saw every single lie you ever told, and watched you deny every last one.”

— Thanks dad for all the memories, I surly will never forget you

I need it

This

I envy the hero’s who weren’t a coward and took their own life. I hope to make that list one day… 

sorry for seeing the divine in the monstrous. not my fault.