Xxsadist0nexx - Not Bad, Just The Worst ;)

Tw SH

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Some from last night and this morning. I have so much anger and sadness when he ignores me, blocks me, or puts me on dnd. I’ve went to his house when he does that but I’m trying to save myself. I don’t know where to put my suicidal/homicidal feelings. I’m prescribed my panic attack pills but it knocks me out so I can’t take it in the day. This has been the most beneficial since I started yet again. I’m hoping one day it’s deep enough

TW really deep dark thoughts..

I want to recover… but I’m too scared. I want to eat… but I’m too scared. I want to live… but I’m too scared. I’m just too scared of the thought of gaining weight. Of showing myself out there in the world. I want to hide. I want to silently vanish away somehow.. yet I know that that isn’t possible. I’m in a constant fight in my own brain. As if there’s a own dark world in there where there’s pure chaos but also pure silence. Its like a dark neighbourhood at night and i walk through it but it’s so mf silent but it’s that scary type of silence where you know the next second something’s gonna happen. That terrifying type of silence. Where you don’t get a single second to breathe and relax. Always on the run. As if there’s something constantly behind you hunting you. THATS my brain.. I’m not living unless I feel.. pain. I’ve been in a constant numb mode where I just can’t cry. Even if I try and want to. I can’t. Fucking. Cry. When all I want is to have a good cry to let it all out. Instead, it develops into anger against myself and that’s when selfharm and starvation happily Hand in hand enter and punish me. For what? Existing???? What is this bullshit… I’m getting to a point where I don’t think I will ever be able to recover. I want to… but I’m just too… scared. Because all these dark thoughts are so damn familiar and in a way comforting bc it’s all I know. I wish I could experience the good. The happiness. The warmth and light so I can find comfort in there instead..

My brain needs to shut up shut up shut up. I want to smash it until it stops

Let’s cut, cut, cut

My lil veins

TW: BLOOD AND SH

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Do you ever feel hollow and empty? Like the soul has been sucked out of you and there’s nothing left?

That’s how I’ve been feeling today, I just wanna be done. Part of me wants to fight and try to do good things for the world and make a change. But I’m just tired, I just wanna take a really long nap because I’m exhausted. I never get a break, and I feel like I’m on autopilot all the time.

me: I’M GONNA GET BETTER

me, 2 mins later: nevermind let me die

✨this✨

Sorry I haven’t been active in a while🖤

I wish it was that easy💔