Xxsadist0nexx - Not Bad, Just The Worst ;)

TW really deep dark thoughts..

I want to recover… but I’m too scared. I want to eat… but I’m too scared. I want to live… but I’m too scared. I’m just too scared of the thought of gaining weight. Of showing myself out there in the world. I want to hide. I want to silently vanish away somehow.. yet I know that that isn’t possible. I’m in a constant fight in my own brain. As if there’s a own dark world in there where there’s pure chaos but also pure silence. Its like a dark neighbourhood at night and i walk through it but it’s so mf silent but it’s that scary type of silence where you know the next second something’s gonna happen. That terrifying type of silence. Where you don’t get a single second to breathe and relax. Always on the run. As if there’s something constantly behind you hunting you. THATS my brain.. I’m not living unless I feel.. pain. I’ve been in a constant numb mode where I just can’t cry. Even if I try and want to. I can’t. Fucking. Cry. When all I want is to have a good cry to let it all out. Instead, it develops into anger against myself and that’s when selfharm and starvation happily Hand in hand enter and punish me. For what? Existing???? What is this bullshit… I’m getting to a point where I don’t think I will ever be able to recover. I want to… but I’m just too… scared. Because all these dark thoughts are so damn familiar and in a way comforting bc it’s all I know. I wish I could experience the good. The happiness. The warmth and light so I can find comfort in there instead..

He left

He did exactly he said he will never do. He left too. He told me he is tired of me constantly crying and being 'filmy'. I asked him to leave he did and he blamed me for that he said that he is leaving because I told him to. What the fuck could I do? He was tried of me.

Never tell someone who’s been through shit that others have had it worse. That will makes them feel like their feelings, emotions, illness, experiences/trauma, etc. aren’t valid or good enough. It will make them feel like they don’t have a right to feel the way the do. You can’t compare other people’s struggles, everyone has been through different things. everyone is a different person.

Whatever you are going through, whatever you’ve been through, it’s valid. You have a right to feel the way you do. You have every right. Don’t let someone else make you feel guilty for the things that you feel or have been through.

And most importantly, don’t let yourself convince you that your feelings aren’t valid and that you have no right. Everyone struggles with their own shit, don’t compare yourself to others.

I’m so tired of having to do this to myself. I feel so much emotional pain only physical pain can help.

The Man

The man you called ‘dad’,

The man who turned his back 

The man who left you alone to grow by yourself.

The man you no longer call dad,

The man who turned back,

Like years hadn’t pass.

Now the man that never calls back,

Asks why you never call back.

Makes you laugh,like he isn’t the man who left you alone to grow by yourself…

BAHAHAHAAAHAH ME

me at literally any minor inconvenience…

me: i want to kill myself

best friend: wtf?! why??

me: i spilled milk

best friend:…so clean it?

me: no, you don’t understand…i must die now

you broke me

you killed the child that I was

you caused permanent psychological damage

you broke me

just to get off? are you proud of yourself?

you always did like seeing me cry

Tonight’s activities🍓

Fr

i’m sorry that i won’t get better

we all know how all this gonna end:/