Sirius Black Is Sitting On My Shoulder Convincing Me To Do Things, Thats Why Im Like This

“remus lupin is the coolest marauder” i say into the mic

everyone claps. no backlash. its a fact.

(thank you @padfootastic for the brain assistance with this and giving me the headcanon that harry definitely calls Sirius by his proper title to annoy him)

--

"It's fine, Sirius," Harry said for the third time and Remus snorted behind his cup of coffee.

"You tripped getting into bed last night, Harry."

"I trip all the time!"

"Over clothes? That should be not on the floor?" Sirius pointed out and Harry rolled his eyes as he pushed back from his chair at the kitchen table. Lunch disrupted by a disagreement.

"I mean, sometimes. It's my space! You said it's my choice how it looks and everything, and I say its perfectly clean!"

Sirius sighed and looked at Remus for the slightest bit of assistance. Harry's door had been left open that morning and Sirius had happened to walk by, immediately wishing he hadn't. Wishing he was just oblivious to the disorder of his godson, and the pile of dishes on his nightstand. The curious case of the missing spoons had been solved in a single moment, glancing at the leaning tower of midnight ice cream bowls in Harry's room with accompanying utensils.

"I don't pretend to be the neatest person," Remus started, "But I do know that...you're verging on unsanitary territory."

"Am not! It's f--"

"It's not and this is finished. Dishes come down here, all of them, pick up your floor, laundry goes in the hamper or in your dresser. Got it?" Sirius told him firmly in a tone that didn't leave space for argument, Harry's eyebrows immediately knitting together, "When was the last time you wiped your bathroom counter?"

"...Do you want to know the answer to that or is this a rhetorical moment?" Harry asked, having the decency to look a little sheepish at the claim Sirius had made.

"I'm not expecting perfection, I'm just--"

"Yeah okay," Harry rolled his eyes, "Whatever you'd like your Highness. Your grace, Your majesty.."

"I'm serious," Sirius attempted to continue through mild annoyance, especially as his godson began bowing.

"No, no, don't be modest, you're Lord Black, of the House of Black, most Noble and Ancient, ruler of--" Remus snorted again, his mouth turning up at the corners.

"Knock it off, Harry, I'm asking for a little bit of effort here."

"Of course, Lord Black. I only live to serve, to appease you!" Harry responded with a bow, "I am banished to my quarters until they shine like the top of the Ministry Fountains!" Harry threw his hands into the air, flourishing them dramatically as he exited the kitchen. Sirius inhaled deeply and looked at his husband who was smirking still.

"Am I being unreasonable about this? He's going to have mold growing--"

Remus gasped, "Mold! Oh no! We can't have that in the Most Noble and--"

"Oh, fuck right off, Moons."

--

About an hour later, Sirius heard the door to his godson's room open, followed by the bang of a firecracker, and a horn sounding off. Sirius jumped flat off Remus's lap at the sound, Remus immediately moaning at an elbow that landed in his stomach.

"Watch where you put those things, baby," Remus muttered

"What--"

"LORD BLACK, I HAVE FINISHED CLEANING MY CHAMBERS AND IT IS AWAITING YOUR INSPECTION!"

"Can I punish him for being obnoxious? Is that forbidden?" Sirius asked Remus, "Can I give him extra chores just for annoying me? Or will that get my Worlds Greatest Godfather trophy revoked?"

"Revoked."

"Damn.

"AHEM--IT IS AWAITING INSPECTION FROM THE LORD, SO THAT ONE MIGHT BE ABLE TO ENJOY THEIR RUDDY SATURDAY WHILE THE SUN IS STILL OUT!"

Sirius shook his head, apparating up the stairs to meet Harry who was standing outside his bedroom door. Sirius immediately hooked an arm around his godson's shoulders, messing up his hair roughly.

"HEY, STOP IT, NO FAIR--"

"Plenty fair, maybe you should hit the weights more," Sirius released Harry from the hold, grinning as he looked around the much neater room. Harry had even made his bed.

"Is my room up to par, Lord Black?" Harry asked teasingly, "Shall I fix anything that isn't up to your standards? Post-haste?"

"Post-haste?"

"It means--"

"I know what it means, nutter," Sirius said nudging Harry with a small grin, "Thank you for cleaning, it looks much better."

"Anything to appease the Master of the House," Harry said with a cheeky smile back, though he let Sirius palm the back of his head without pulling away.

"I know...I can be a little paranoid about cleanliness," Sirius said, catching Harry's eyes, "And I hope I haven't made you feel like you need to...keep up to that standard. My standard because sometimes I'm not even clean enough for my standard. I don't want you to feel like that, yeah?"

"I was taking a piss, Sirius. My room was gross. I'm just stubborn."

"Mm. Thought so," Sirius said and kissed him on the side of the head, "Go enjoy the rest of your ruddy Saturday."

"I HAVE APPEASED LORD BLACK, MASTER LUPIN. I HAVE BEEN GIVEN PERMISSION TO SEE THE GREAT OUTDOORS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE AFTERNOON, A JOYOUS DAY!" Harry shouted and Sirius cracked a smile, shoving Harry just hard enough to send him off balance.

Dark Remus. Remus who turned to Regulus after the prank. Becoming a master at card games and taking shots. Remus sneaking out after dark with Evan and Barty. Remus switching his jumpers for blazers. The whole of Slytherin remember that one party where Remus punched Snape, liquor in one hand, Regulus’ eyeliner, blood on his knuckles. Barty teaching him guitar. Dorcas letting him borrow her guitar. Chipped black nail polish. Smirks over breakfast, dark laughter during lessons. Pranks they get away with. Remus and Regulus flirting shamelessly while doing homework, stares as he walked in corridors. Putting Lily’s concealer in the bin, letting the light see his scars. Remus embracing the monster inside him as he lives amongst them:

ohhhh. Oh wow I would actually do anything for James potter

ac: likeafunerall

REMUS LUPIN

for you jegulus fans

regulus going to sirius' old room in the hopes of finding something of sirius' to wear, to hold onto. he finds an dark brown jacket and a yellow-y gold jumper that he keeps and wears just to feel close to sirius again, to feel like sirius is still there with him.

but as regulus is walking down to hogsmeade with pandora, james potter comes up to him with a shit eating grin and asks why he keeps wearing his clothes

Regulus: *taking James glasses and puts them on*

Regulus: how do i look?

James: *blinking profusely* fucking blurry at this moment.

James: *ranting about something*

Reg: You talk a lot.

James, who’s used to apologizing for talking too much: I’m sor—

Reg: It’s cute.

James: *blushes*

Reading fanfic has heightened my paranoia. Somebody could be directly across from me on the other side of the room with no reasonable way of being able to see my phone screen but I always have that nagging feeling that somehow everyone in the room knows exactly what sins I’m committing and are severely disappointed in me.

Andromeda: Sorry we're late

Sirius: We didn't want to come

Andromeda: But we felt it would be rude to deprive you of our presence

*both strike a pose*