She Was Sweet Chocolate Ruling The Cosmic Heavens…

I dream about being a mom more then anything else

I’ve dreamed about my family more then my career my house, my card, the dog.

I’ve dreamed of copious amounts of children

And excited that I was their mom

All just bursting with excitement when I hugs them kissed them

I want to be the one they run to when they cry

I want to tell them it’s okay to cry and understand how to make it better

I want to be the one they call mom

I want to be their provider

Their confidant

I want years down the road for them to call and apologize for yelling me when they were 13 because now they see that I’m right

I want to create children who know how to love

Who love themselves

Who can feel so empowered to change the world.

I want to be a mother to change

I want to be a mother to droppings of love

I want to kiss baby toes

I want to cry at evey graduation and wedding

I want to cheer them on at games

And edit papers

I want to be a mother so bad

But who am I now

And who will I be for them to be proud of

Who will I be before I can be in a position to be a mother

And who’s the father???

Who’s dad because he’s just as important in this scenario

But back to the point

I want to be a mom more then anything

Can’t tell me this ain’t love

I feel blue

I feel like a blue beam that emits bits of teal and cream

I feel like my source is hot pink

And it’s burns so bright that it appears white

I feel like my innards are exploding

so Over zealous with joyful energy that I can feel the protons and electrons dividing and multiplying

I can feel my muscles twitch and stretch warming up to a pinkish mauve and contorting into a lavender that drips with burnt blood

Blue

Blue

I am feeling blue

Deep deep oceans shades of shimmering mournful illustrious blue

I am feeling like a galaxy

Like a corner of a galaxy

Like the bend of the edge of a galaxy

Turning into the newest movement of the century

I am feeling

A revolution of feelings

I am feeling like something the English language cannot put into words

I am feeling endless and contained

Somersaults

Bommerangs

And aquamarine tangerines

I am feeling blue

But when I look in the mirror

I’m not feeling like anything other than...

My name

I see me

And I see what the world sees

And then I don’t feel like me anymore

Blue became a body

It became skin flesh and bones

Blue is

Not me

I am

Not blue

I am

....

My Dream House hasn’t been much of a dream I haven’t had the chance to settle

My room flooded So I’m sleeping in the spare The chill room The room of requirement

At this point it’s my temporary bedroom I’ve been hesitant to settle into the chill room I felt like that was accepting my situation And I refused to accept it Today I yelled at my landlord for doing exactly as I asked I heard the first sign of problem and leapt It was not good So this is wild

I saw a counselor after Well scheduled an appointment For an interview Then we can set a session But I went I know it’s gonna be hard But I wanna be honest with myself I wanna talk to someone who’s paid to listen Someone who won’t judge But just wants to help

The floors in my room are gone I layed down a green rugged blanket in the chill room It makes it look like I have a grass carpet

I brought my tv in To drown out the ticking clock I turned on sims But I’m so uncomfortable sleeping on air But I covered it in 3 blankets I’m comfortable Mostly I’m trying to be

There would be no need to yell. I don’t work with difficult people .

“where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

me:

📸: nazaninmandi

Just because they were with you through your depression, doesn’t mean they have to stay with you through your progression.

Some of us stay with people because we don’t want to abandon them at a low point.

Some of us stay with people because we were with them through such low points and now that their doing better we feel like we earned the prize of their growth that came at the end.

Sometimes when we are the depressed and someone sticks with us we feel like we can’t leave because that person was with you when you were your worst.

But we have to evaluate.

If your growth means you have outgrown the relationship, then it’s okay to leave.

If that person was with you at your lowest but you don’t think they can help you reach your highest then it’s okay to bounce.

Part of growth is being able to recognize what you need, and then taking steps to obtain it.

If a person has reached the end of a relationship , then it’s okay to move on.

Don’t worry about being polite.

Worry about what’s best.

If the new you isn’t 100% here then it’s because the new you should be somewhere else.

If you are trying to think of ways to make something work then your ignoring the ease that will come with the right thing in your near future.

Look at the tortoise and the hare.

That bunny got too comfortable , he held himself back. He kept stopping to look at the flowers, take naps, and do eveything but move forward.

And the tortoise!

He may not have gotten there fast but he made it to his destination right on time.he got their right when he was suppose to. He knew where he needed to go and he didn’t let anyone or thing stop him from moving forward.

Now this could be your partner, your job, your friends, your family, your location, your strongholds.

Whatever is holding you back, leave it.

When you see what you could be

When you see where you could be

Once you know that your potential is endless

Don’t stop

Take yourself to the end.

The world will keep moving forward with or without you. But where do you wanna be ? Still holding onto something at the starting line, or jumping through the valleys of freedom and possibilities at the finish?

Let go

What is meant to be will be.