Tw Sui Related - Blog Posts

(real)

welp

were getting to the point where im ghosting ppl i love n care abt again

fuck

(chat, is it weird that i feel an attempt coming?)

WARNING: SUI TALK

I just realized I’m genuinely so fucking lonely and have no actual safe space.

I keep getting ignored or dismissed by people who supposedly care about me. People online who I talk to dismiss my cries for help. All my family and friends either are busy with their lives or are just as bad in a place as me, if not worse. If it’s not that it’s a language barrier barring me from communicating my feelings to them.

Politics have ruined my ability to trust other people because I never know whether they’ll actually like me for who I am or not. Hell because of stupid politics, I might end up losing my only true safe space on the internet.

I swear I might as well just kill myself and see if y’all will pay attention to me then. I don’t care if that’s what the enemy wants. I’m better off at least making them happy with my death because at least I can bring someone joy, since I’m such a detestable mistake who gives people tinnitus just by talking.

I’m such a royal fuck up you don’t even understand.

But hey, I’m just being over dramatic, right? I’m just overreacting and being too negative!

It’s all in my fucking head after all.

WARNING:

OD MENTIONS; SH & SUI TALK

I keep seeing these posts on my feed saying things like “Please stay alive. It doesn’t matter if it’s for spite or for your own enjoyment. Just live.” Or something like that. As much as I want a reason to live and enjoy life, even if it’s to spite others…. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I’ve made lists of ways I could kick the bucket and so far I can’t even settle on what I wanna do if I do give up. I would’ve OD’d long ago if I wasn’t told that I could kill half my brain and leave myself paralyzed if I were to survive.

Death doesn’t even sound satisfying anymore because in general, I’m worried about how much I’ll make my parents pay out of pocket for things like my funeral n shit, and I don’t know how I feel about being put in a box 6 feet under. Plus I just don’t wanna give my parents an even harder time by doing it. They’ve already been through enough, especially my mom.

I mean the first time I told anyone how I truly felt, it was my brother and the poor guy started crying, something I haven’t seen him do in years. YEARS.

I just want someone to understand my internal suffering for once and not disregard it as me being too negative and overly dramatic for once, because so far the only proof I have of how bad it gets is in my arms. Literally. But I don’t want anyone to see that shit. I want people to know I never was ok, and I probably never will be.

If I can’t be normal like I want to be, I wanna at least let people know that I’m not a deranged freak and that I have my reasons to act the way I do.

oh and this one too...I have an affinity for stories that WUMP my favourite characters ;-; sorry guys...

Edit for @lil-lavender3 ‘s “Weightless of the Rooftop (Will I Fly?)” fic! I’ve been absolutely loving it and thought this song and fanart fit really well. One of my favorite fics, ngl! Go check it out :)

Link for fic:

this is actually the post that made me go read it, so now everyone else has to see it

!!TW: Implied s*icidal ideation (not explicitly stated)!!

Art for chapter 13 of my fic Weightless on the Rooftop (Will I Fly?) I started this as a doodle on my iPad, but then I spent an hour and a half on it lol