Greek Mythology From A To Z:

Norse mythology from A to Z:

[E] - Eostre, according to the stories, is a goddess associated with flowers and springtime.

Eostre first makes her appearance in literature about thirteen hundred years ago in the Venerable Bede’s Temporum Ratione. Bede tells us that April is known as Eostremonath, and is named for a goddess that the Anglo-Saxons honored in the spring.

Interestingly, Eostre doesn’t appear anywhere in Germanic mythology, and despite assertions that she might be a Norse deity, she doesn’t show up in the poetic or prose Eddas either. However, she could certainly have belonged to some tribal group in the Germanic areas, and her stories may have just been passed along through oral tradition.

Me reading the start of Iliad book 18:

Hey!!!! Dumb question but what exactly is the Iliad?

THE ILIAD: A SUMMARY

The Short Version: A yarn about blokes getting shitmixed in a war over Miss Hellenic Beauty Champion because some gods thought it would be a Lol.

The Long Version: A Homeric epic poem passed down through spoken word over generations that was penned down in about 800 BC. In the mythological timeline, it ends the Age of Heroes (by wasting them all). It covers the Greek seige of Troy, a whole lotta gods Messing With Shit, a Poseidon who needs anger management, a few hundred names and lots of General Epicness ft Diomedes and Patroklus. Sit back my buddy, let’s go through a quick summary of the books.

Book 1: Apollo ghettoblasts the Greeks with Pain because Agamemescunt kidnapped his priestess Chryseis. Being a douchebag, Agadouchebag Mr Steals Yo Girl from Achilles, which leads to in͟ten̛şȩ ͟śul͜ki͢n̶g͡ . Achilles’ divine Ma brokers a deal with the Zeus goose (not literally thank goodness, although it’s a definite possibility) so that the Greeks won’t win until they realize how fucked they are without Achilles and go crawling back to him for help.

Book 2: Zeus messes with Agafuckface by telling him to attack Troy. Agamemhoe messes with Zeus by telling his entire army to fuck off back to Greece. Odysseus, with Athena’s help, uses his wicked ol’ tongue to lick  Agaiceheart back into  shape (not literally, although very possible in Ancient Greece). There are 31 paragraphs of names about Greeks and 16 paragraphs of names about Trojans going to war. The epic story continues.

Book 3: The armies meet. Memealaus (sorry, Menelaus) and Paris decide to have a 1v1 to end this shindig. Paris is saved by Aphrodite and a cloud because he is a Weak Bitch, so we gear up for another 9 years and 11 months of war. Helen tells Aphrodite to go fuck Paris herself if she likes him so much, but Aphrodite threatens Godly Bitch Revenge is Helen ever talks back to her like that again.

Book 4: Menelaus gets grazed by an arrow. Like a football player with a stubbed toe, this means war. He also apparently had ‘shapely thighs and fair ankles’. Watch out for the Zeus eagle, boi. Fighting commences. Diomedes appears. He is awesome, as usual. We continue to the next chapter.

Book 5: Pretty much an entire chapter about Diomedes being a son of a gun and killing fucking everything thanks to Athena. A dude called Sthenelus gets a rock hard boner watching all of this. Aeneas thinks it’s a good idea to take on Diomedes. Mistake. Big Mama Aphrodite has to save him, also with a cloud. Diomedes hasn’t quite reached Critical Awesome yet, so he stabs Ares and Aphrodite as well. Hera calls Ares a little bitch and we carry on.

Book 6: Just a lot of death really. Diomedes was going to kill a bloke, but they realize they are family friends, so just do a little swapsie of armour. Hector gives Paris a spray for being a cowardly little bitch, Paris agrees, and they set off for battle.

Book 7: Hector decides to 1v1 and get this over with. Menelaus tries to accept, but his wingmen Restrain Him. Ajax gets picked out of a hat to fight, but after a bit of a tussle it gets dark, so the fighting pair give each other presents and go home for the night. The next day, they all take a holiday from fighting and the Greeks build a wall. Poseidon is triggered. (reason here.)

Book 8: Due to Poseidon being triggered, Zeus forbids any godly interference on both sides of the war. Hera and Poseidon bitch about Zeus as the Greeks get casually wreckt by the Trojans, but decide not to act on it. Lucky for the Greeks, the Trojans decide sleeping is better than winning, so leave off for the night.

Book 9: The Greeks hit Fuck It and decide to grovel to Achilles for help. Before they do, Diomedes gives Agasaggytitnon a spray for being a douchebag, and everyone agrees that he is indeed a douchebag. Sthenelus probably pops another boner. Back in the tent with the power pair, Achilles and Patroklus, Patroklus tries to be the polite bf to the pleading Greeks, but Achilles is still thinks Agamoomoo called him a ‘vile tramp’ so refuses to help. The drama continues.

Book 10: Odysseus and BAMF Diomedes go on a sneak mission and  heroically stab the Trojans in their sleep. They also heroically steal some horses. The epic heroism continues.

Book 11: Hector takes a leaf out of Diomedes’ book and decides to shitmix the Greeks. He successfully shitmixes the Greeks, giving Agamugface a well-deserved arm wound. Paris shoots Diomedes in the foot, but Diomedes literally does not give a shit. Some random dude gives Odysseus a bit of a stab, Ajax gets Confused By Zeus but survives, but things still look Grim. Sweetheart Patroklus sees the Grimness and decides to try and use his wiles to break Achilles out of his Uber Sulk.

Book 12: The Trojans continue to roadhaul the Greeks, which will come back to bite Hector, but we do meet a dude called Thootes. He doesn’t do shit, but his name is great. There is graphic violence, and the Trojans go to chuck a Greek ship on the barbie. 

Book 13: Poseidon rises from the sea, back being a buddy to the Greeks now the his great enemy The Triggering Greek Wall has been overcome.There is a shit ton of fighting wherein the Greeks do well and Poseidon is happy because he’s getting vengeance for his other traumatic wall experience.

Book 14: Hera sees Poseidon disobeying Zeus and getting sweet wall vengeance and while probably thinking she married the wrong brother, decides to use Titty Distraction so that the Greeks don’t get chucked on the Trojan barbie. Titty Distraction predictably works A+ and the Trojans get slightly shat on with gratuitous eyeball violence. Hector gets hit by a rock and almost has the most anticlimactic death since Amycus, who suffered death by Elbow Punch.

Book 15: Zeus wakes, calls Hera a scurvy knave and tells Poseidon to Fight Him. Poseidon does not want to Fight Him, so melts back into the ocean and stops helping the Greeks. Apollo resurrects Hector from his rock to the face and the Trojans joyously return to their mission to barbeque the Greek ships.

Book 16: Honeyboo Patroklus (still on his way to Achilles since Book 11) sees Apollo and his Brojans on the warpath and breaks Achilles’ heart with Man Tears. While Achilles and Patbroklus have a very, very long, heartfelt conversation, the Trojans start to toast the Greek ships. Achilles gives (yes gives) Patroklus his armour and tells him to fuck shit up, but not to win without him. Fighting commences, we discover the word hurly-burly, Sarpedon dies in a shower of Zeus-induced blood rain and Patroklus becomes Diomedes 2.0 until he is gang bashed by Hector, Apollo, a literal god, and some awkward random called Euphorbus. Sasstroklus delivers a final fuck you, pulls the finger at all three of his killers and blazes it down to Hades.

Book 17: Hector takes Achilles’ armour off Patroklus, marking him as target #1 for the Sulk King. The Trojans and the Greeks spend an entire chapter having a tug of war with Patroklus’ body. Ajax and Menelaus comment mildly on how Zeus is helping out the Trojans, and the god shines a bit of sunlight in chagrin for being called out. The Greeks win the tug of war thanks to Double Ajax Tactics.

Book 18: In which Achilles goes nuts. Everybody has a cry because Patroklus was a Swell Guy (seriously,as swell as a Hawaiian surf that guy). Achilles goes and therapy-screams at the Trojans, who see the mad bloke and back the fuck off -  rightfully so, as Achilles is planning some good old human sacrifice to his dead ‘rider’ Patroklus. Meanwhile, Hephaestus quick-smelts some smashing new armour for Achilles with his household robots.

Book 19: Achilles gets dolled up for battle. Agadickbutt and Odysseus try to placate the madman with gifts, including Briseis, the dame Agamemnope stole from Achilles, but Achilles’ quota of fucks has run out indefinitely. He saddles up and gets ready to fuck up his bae killer.

Book 20: Zeus R͡ELE҉ASE͜S̵ ͝T̀H͜E͡ ́ǴO̷D͞S͝ and lets them play for whichever team they like, so long as Achilles doesn’t sack Troy just quite yet. It’s probably a friendly game similar to football in god terms. Athena invents the spear boomerang, Hera and Poseidon do some casual sunbathing, while Achilles paints the town red rather literally. 

Book 21: Achilles finds men too weak and decides to take on a literal river (Scamander). Achilles realizes this was A̴ B̸ad ̶I͜de͟a͡and decides he’ll stick to men. We’re not sure whether Diomedes would have backed off from a river, but I guess we’ll never know. Apollo saves a dude called Agenor from Achilles molestation and in doing so also saves the Brojans. The epic story continues.

Book 22: Apollo says surprise Achilles, tricked ya into chasing me boi, I’m immortal. Achilles stares him dead in the eye for a full minute then says ‘fuck you’ and rides off back to Troy. Hector decides it’s time for another 1v1, but at the last minute considers that this idea was insane and fuckin legs it. Achilles chases Hector around the wall of Troy three times presumably to this soundtrack. Hector finally stops to fight, and thanks to the Athena Spear Boomerangᵀᴹ, Achilles avenges his Patroklus. Hector performs the minor miracle of talking whilst having a spear sticking out of his throat before he dies, then Troy’s hero gets roadhauled and everyone is Sad. 

Book 23: Ghost Patroklus pays Achilles a visit, like a sexy Obi wan Kenobi and tells Achilles to bury him already. Patghostklus also beseeches that their bones be laid (ha) together when Achilles inevitably gets fucked on by Fate. Achilles says of course bby I was gonna do that anyway, and tries to make out with a ghost, but this isn’t a Whoopi Goldberg type deal, so Patroghost gets sent back down under. They put the fun in funeral by having games and giving out toasters and such as prizes.

Book 24 (The End): After ‘yearning after the might and manfulness of Patroklus’, Achilles continues to roadhaul Hector until Apollo gives his fam a spray about the dishonour of it. Hera says he’s only mortal scum so who gives a fuck and Zeus says chill wife and commands Achilles to RE̵L͘E̡A̷S͢E ̴T́HȨ H̀ȨC̕T̵O̷R͡ (sorry I can’t help it). With Hermes as a bodyguard, Priam (Hector’s dad) goes to get the body back. Achilles and Priam have a man-cry bonding moment over Dead Loved Ones, Hector is whisked off to be buried and there ends the Iliad! There’s none of the ankle-shooting, wooden-horse-building shenanigans in there, they all come in later texts such as the Aeneid and Ovid, although I still can’t find the exact text where Achilles gets shot. If y’all know, send me the link ;)  I fucking found it nvm

Anyhoo, that was…Jeez, that was The Iliad (aka the longest post in existence). Well, my retold, abridged more slightly less serious version.It’s definitely worth a read, if you can get past all the names!

Check out more Greek Stories here :D

Greek mythology from A to Z:

[P] - Pandora (Πανδώρα), the first woman, was created by Zeus to neutralize the blessing of fire, which had been stolen by Prometheus from Olympus.

In Hesiod’s Works and Days, Pandora had a jar containing all manner of misery and evil. Zeus sent her to Epimetheus, who forgot the warning of his brother Prometheus and made Pandora his wife. She afterward opened the jar, from which the evils flew out over the earth. Hope alone remained inside, the lid having been shut down before she could escape.

Greek mythology from A to Z:

[B] - Bia (Βία) was a Titan goddess and the personification of force.

Hyacinthus: Oh my Apollo. Zephyrus: Don't you mean 'oh my gods'? Hyacinthus: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.

Deimos:(gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make em suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?

Zeus:Nah, nothin' permanent... just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small... like a toe...

Deimos: We can take out his tongue..

Phobos:(with relish) With a knife!

Deimos:Or remove his heart...

Phobos:(with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!

Deimos:A bigger knife!

Phobos:(with greater relish) Fucking knife!

Zeus:(a touch uneasy) Yeeeeahhhhhhh.... you guys....are....kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea. Hey, Ares, do you want to call the spooky twins home before I throw them there?

Ares: Come boys....

Phobos and Deimos: (Slinks away creepily)

"I Love You" - An Analysis Of Zeus's Relationship To Hera, And All It's Complexities

Requested by @sworebytheriverstyx to expand on what I meant in this post, so I decided to write upon it! Also @withlovefromolympus bc I can <3

Enjoy!

So in the post mentioned above, I stated that in every interaction Zeus has with his wife, Hera, he would end it with an "I love you", but with time, the meaning/connotation/perception has changed (and maybe connotation wasn't the right word for that post... idk, it was late and now idc *shrugs*). Now, what do I mean by that? Many things.

In the beginning, back when Zeus was trying to seduce Hera or even further into the beginnings of their actual relationship, Zeus used this phrase as a way of connection. Of flattery and of security. That no matter what, he will always love her. And he meant this phrase fully and genuinely each time, showing to her that even when his mind was always occupied, or even angered, he will always love her. He would whisper it after their small fights or during a long night of sleep deprivation and trying to rule a newly-formed kingdom. A connection, a bridge for him to give as she walked upon it and stayed close to him.

Hera loved this. She was and never will be a person of physical and shown affection, especially as public as their lives may be as King and Queen, so Zeus doing all the work for them, to keep that connection verbally while she may be too shy to do it in any other place than their bed, is really appreciated. It warms her heart to know that, no matter what, he will love her. That, no matter if their hands cannot touch each other in the way they both want them to, his words will connect them. That she can take those vibrations and wrap them in her wind, have them echo and vibrate around her as she sometimes travels far away from him. It is their connection. Their Purpose together as King and Queen.

It starts out affectionate.

Then... it turns to something else.

She catches him cheating. They fight and throw things at each other, hurtling insults and trying at their power dynamics. She turns her back on him to leave (flee) and, still, he always whispers those three words. "I love you," comes from his lips and she's fooled each time. She comes back to their chambers warm and waiting, her skin icy cold but those words always trying to warm her from her core. He says it each and every time and, suddenly, it's not intimate anymore. Her skin is too cold and they are said to often, to thrown away, to carry their warmth to her core anymore. The connotation is different now. It's like he's trying to ask for her forgiveness. That their three words will make any difference in the already-determined outcome. She forbids him from saying it in their bedroom anymore, eventually extending that ban to all of Olympus. He tries to push her, to continue saying it, but she stands her ground by leaving it. She does not care if he says it anyway. They are not them anymore.

Zeus still tries. He seeks his wife out in the dark, in places nobody could possibly see her so she could maybe open a little more up. She tries to flee and, in the beginning, he lets her, but he tightens his grip more and more as he realizes they aren't getting anywhere. To him, the words are still a sign of their Love. Mortals preach and preach about loving someone forever, that people change but if you love them enough, then they will stay with you. He's tried everything with Hera. Talking, taking her out on dates, and Tartarus! he's even attempted to stay faithful for a long time for her, just enough for her to settle down for them to have a proper Talk! But Hera wouldn't budge and the longing for a mortal's softness, for a mortal's insignificance, was too much when his bed was already becoming too cold. At first, it was a release. A curiosity and a homesickness of back when he was young, running around Gaia's Plains like he had no care. He missed those days and wanted to experience that again, to take a break from his Kingly Load and just experience mortality again. Now, it's become a coping mechanism. The thought of coming home from a long day to see his wife not talking to him and practically mountains between them made his heart ache and so he went to different beds, trying out their warmths and softness and experiences. He tells her he loves her, trying to rekindle their relationship again, but even he knows it's drifting away. That it's more of an excuse now, but it's the only thing he can seem to grasp of her now. He's trying, he swears, but they're now too broken to be fixed.

The connotations of love between Zeus and Hera, written by Altis (sleepdeprivationbutposeidon)

Persephone: what are you drinking? I said no alcohol so close to bedtime

Dionysus: ma, it’s just tea!

Persephone: tea???

Dionysus:

Dionysus: -quila

Lviv, Ukraine