Me reading the start of Iliad book 18:
Achilles: Can you see us on the mountain?
Thetis: No. Why do you ask?
Achilles: No. Reason.
*later at the mountain*
Achilles: SHE COULDNT SEE US. FOR THREE YEARS.
Patroclus: Oh?
Achilles: FOR THREE YEARS. SHE COULDN'T SEE US. FOR. THREE. YEARS.
Patroclus: Mhm.
Achilles: THREE. YEARS.
Patroclus: Mhm.
Achilles: WE COULDVE BEEN FUCKING. FOR. THREE. YEARS.
Patroclus: Mhm.
Chiron: i ship it.
Thetis: What the fuck
How I now percieve the Trojan War heroes :) (acheans)
Achilles: đ¶Una perra sorprendente / CurvilĂnea y elocuente / Magnificamente colosal / Extravagante y animalđ¶ + anger issues
Patroclus: beloved by everyone (exept fate)
Ajax the Greater: strONK but no mental health and anger issues / da himbo
Diomedes: Perfection Incarnated/ Batman/Boss Baby
Odysseus/Ulysses: that one guy who has the only braincell in all the Achean camp and either uses it for war crimes or shares it with Diomedes, which is basically the same / Shortdysseus / Tinysses
Menelaus: certified UwU Dad
Agamemnon: Luisa from Encanto + some greed and curses / CEO of daddy issues / Raspberry cupcake / Lesser batman
Nestor: Respectable Grandpa
Antilochus: the bby
Ajax the Lesser: who?
If you want to be as erudite and elite as the Classics Clique, youâd better add these books to your reading pileâŠ
Specific prose/poetry/plays mentioned:
Untimely Meditations by Friedrich Nietzsche, Epigraph Republic, Book II by Plato, Epigraph Tom Swift by Victor Appleton, 6 Paradise Lost by John Milton, 8, 91 Goodbye, Columbus by Philip Roth, 33 The New Testament, 36 Agamemnon by Aeschylus, 40 Oresteia by Aeschylus, 40 Inferno by Dante, 41, 115 Poetics by Aristotle, 41 The Iliad by Homer, 41, 627 The Bacchae by Euripides, 42, 204 Parmenides by Plato, 67 The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott, 85 Rover Boys by Edward Stratemeyer, 85 Journey from Chester to London by Thomas Pennant, 85 The Club History of London by ?, 85 The Pirates of Penzance by W.S. Gilbert, 85 Bobbsey Twins by Laura Lee Hope, 85 Marino Faliero by Lord Byron, 85 The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot, 89 Sherlock Homes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 92, 622 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert, 94 MĂ©moires by Duc de Saint-Simon, 103 Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray, 110 Othello by Shakespeare, 115 The World Book Encyclopedia, 117 Men of Thought and Deed by E. Tipton Chatsford Invisible Man by H.G. Wells Peter Pan, or The Boy Who Wouldnât Grow Up by J. M. Barrie, 180 The Divine Comedy by Dante, 184 Superman Comics, 417 The Upanishads, 441, 466 Perry Mason Novels by Erle Stanley Gardner, 442 With Rue my Heart is Laden by A.E. Housman, 466 Lycidas by John Milton, 466 The Charge of the Light Brigade by Alfred Lord Tennyson, 466 In Flanders Fields by John McCrae, 466 Corpus of Mycenaean Inscriptions from Knossos, 481 Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, 554 The Malcontent by John Marston, 615 The White Devil by John Webster, 615 The Broken Heart by John Ford, epilogue epigraph, 615 Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe, 616 The Revengerâs Tragedy by Cyril Tourneur, 616 Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens, 619
Authors mentioned:
J.R.R. Tolkien, 6 Ezra Pound, 16 T.S. Eliot, 16 Alfred Douglas, 18 Robert de Montesquiou, 18 Plato, 22, 36 Homer, 23, 36, 49, 509 Dante, 33 Virgil, 33 Plotinus, 37 Marie Corelli, 85 Shakespeare, 91, 615 Alexander Pope, 103 John Donne, 117 Rupert Brooke, 120 Edgar Allen Poe, 132, 200 Hegel, 139 Raymond Chandler, 153 Gregory of Tours, 481 Thomas Aquinas, 509 P.G. Wodehouse, 538 George Orwell, 576-7 Harold Acton, 577 Salman Rushdie, 582 Agatha Christie, 587 Proust, 612 John Webster, 615 Thomas Middleton, 615 Cyril Tourneur, 615 John Ford, 615 Christopher Marlowe, 615 Walter Raleigh, 615 Thomas Nashe, 615
NB: page numbers correspond to the Popular Penguin Edition.
*as kids* Chiron: I just found out that my dad isn't really my dad. Chariclo: Your dad... Apollo the god who doesn't have a drop of horse or centaur blood in him? Chiron: [nods] Chariclo: Chariclo: That must have been quite a shock...
I keep thinking about the suggestion that Apollo hated Achilles so much because Achilles was literally just like him but mortal (blond, musical, good with a sword, talented at medicine) and he just didn't care for that.
Look is no one else gonna make a big deal about the fact that in the middle of battle Achillesâ horses stopped in their tracks and started crying over the death of Patroclus? And refused to move despite Automedon begging them and whipping them to try to get them off the field until they were literally compelled to move by Zeus himself?? Because I canât stop thinking about it.
Long time ago I doodled this cause I thought it was funny lol
All the star signs in my comic, Realta Part 2!
Part one
Greek mythology from A to Z:
[H] - Hera (áŒÏ៱) is the wife of Zeus, the Queen of Olympus, and the Olympian goddess of marriage. As such, she is also the deity most associated with family and the welfare of women and children.
Hey!!!! Dumb question but what exactly is the Iliad?
THE ILIAD: A SUMMARY
The Short Version:Â A yarn about blokes getting shitmixed in a war over Miss Hellenic Beauty Champion because some gods thought it would be a Lol.
The Long Version: A Homeric epic poem passed down through spoken word over generations that was penned down in about 800 BC. In the mythological timeline, it ends the Age of Heroes (by wasting them all). It covers the Greek seige of Troy, a whole lotta gods Messing With Shit, a Poseidon who needs anger management, a few hundred names and lots of General Epicness ft Diomedes and Patroklus. Sit back my buddy, letâs go through a quick summary of the books.
Book 1: Apollo ghettoblasts the Greeks with Pain because Agamemescunt kidnapped his priestess Chryseis. Being a douchebag, Agadouchebag Mr Steals Yo Girl from Achilles, which leads to inÍtenÌşȩ ÍsÍulÍkiÍąn̶gÍĄ . Achillesâ divine Ma brokers a deal with the Zeus goose (not literally thank goodness, although itâs a definite possibility) so that the Greeks wonât win until they realize how fucked they are without Achilles and go crawling back to him for help.
Book 2: Zeus messes with Agafuckface by telling him to attack Troy. Agamemhoe messes with Zeus by telling his entire army to fuck off back to Greece. Odysseus, with Athenaâs help, uses his wicked olâ tongue to lick  Agaiceheart back into  shape (not literally, although very possible in Ancient Greece). There are 31 paragraphs of names about Greeks and 16 paragraphs of names about Trojans going to war. The epic story continues.
Book 3:Â The armies meet. Memealaus (sorry, Menelaus) and Paris decide to have a 1v1 to end this shindig. Paris is saved by Aphrodite and a cloud because he is a Weak Bitch, so we gear up for another 9 years and 11 months of war. Helen tells Aphrodite to go fuck Paris herself if she likes him so much, but Aphrodite threatens Godly Bitch Revenge is Helen ever talks back to her like that again.
Book 4: Menelaus gets grazed by an arrow. Like a football player with a stubbed toe, this means war. He also apparently had âshapely thighs and fair anklesâ. Watch out for the Zeus eagle, boi. Fighting commences. Diomedes appears. He is awesome, as usual. We continue to the next chapter.
Book 5: Pretty much an entire chapter about Diomedes being a son of a gun and killing fucking everything thanks to Athena. A dude called Sthenelus gets a rock hard boner watching all of this. Aeneas thinks itâs a good idea to take on Diomedes. Mistake. Big Mama Aphrodite has to save him, also with a cloud. Diomedes hasnât quite reached Critical Awesome yet, so he stabs Ares and Aphrodite as well. Hera calls Ares a little bitch and we carry on.
Book 6: Just a lot of death really. Diomedes was going to kill a bloke, but they realize they are family friends, so just do a little swapsie of armour. Hector gives Paris a spray for being a cowardly little bitch, Paris agrees, and they set off for battle.
Book 7:Â Hector decides to 1v1 and get this over with. Menelaus tries to accept, but his wingmen Restrain Him. Ajax gets picked out of a hat to fight, but after a bit of a tussle it gets dark, so the fighting pair give each other presents and go home for the night. The next day, they all take a holiday from fighting and the Greeks build a wall. Poseidon is triggered. (reason here.)
Book 8: Due to Poseidon being triggered, Zeus forbids any godly interference on both sides of the war. Hera and Poseidon bitch about Zeus as the Greeks get casually wreckt by the Trojans, but decide not to act on it. Lucky for the Greeks, the Trojans decide sleeping is better than winning, so leave off for the night.
Book 9:Â The Greeks hit Fuck It and decide to grovel to Achilles for help. Before they do, Diomedes gives Agasaggytitnon a spray for being a douchebag, and everyone agrees that he is indeed a douchebag. Sthenelus probably pops another boner. Back in the tent with the power pair, Achilles and Patroklus, Patroklus tries to be the polite bf to the pleading Greeks, but Achilles is still thinks Agamoomoo called him a âvile trampâ so refuses to help. The drama continues.
Book 10: Odysseus and BAMF Diomedes go on a sneak mission and  heroically stab the Trojans in their sleep. They also heroically steal some horses. The epic heroism continues.
Book 11: Hector takes a leaf out of Diomedesâ book and decides to shitmix the Greeks. He successfully shitmixes the Greeks, giving Agamugface a well-deserved arm wound. Paris shoots Diomedes in the foot, but Diomedes literally does not give a shit. Some random dude gives Odysseus a bit of a stab, Ajax gets Confused By Zeus but survives, but things still look Grim. Sweetheart Patroklus sees the Grimness and decides to try and use his wiles to break Achilles out of his Uber Sulk.
Book 12: The Trojans continue to roadhaul the Greeks, which will come back to bite Hector, but we do meet a dude called Thootes. He doesnât do shit, but his name is great. There is graphic violence, and the Trojans go to chuck a Greek ship on the barbie.Â
Book 13:Â Poseidon rises from the sea, back being a buddy to the Greeks now the his great enemy The Triggering Greek Wall has been overcome.There is a shit ton of fighting wherein the Greeks do well and Poseidon is happy because heâs getting vengeance for his other traumatic wall experience.
Book 14: Hera sees Poseidon disobeying Zeus and getting sweet wall vengeance and while probably thinking she married the wrong brother, decides to use Titty Distraction so that the Greeks donât get chucked on the Trojan barbie. Titty Distraction predictably works A+ and the Trojans get slightly shat on with gratuitous eyeball violence. Hector gets hit by a rock and almost has the most anticlimactic death since Amycus, who suffered death by Elbow Punch.
Book 15:Â Zeus wakes, calls Hera a scurvy knave and tells Poseidon to Fight Him. Poseidon does not want to Fight Him, so melts back into the ocean and stops helping the Greeks. Apollo resurrects Hector from his rock to the face and the Trojans joyously return to their mission to barbeque the Greek ships.
Book 16:Â Honeyboo Patroklus (still on his way to Achilles since Book 11) sees Apollo and his Brojans on the warpath and breaks Achillesâ heart with Man Tears. While Achilles and Patbroklus have a very, very long, heartfelt conversation, the Trojans start to toast the Greek ships. Achilles gives (yes gives) Patroklus his armour and tells him to fuck shit up, but not to win without him. Fighting commences, we discover the word hurly-burly, Sarpedon dies in a shower of Zeus-induced blood rain and Patroklus becomes Diomedes 2.0 until he is gang bashed by Hector, Apollo, a literal god, and some awkward random called Euphorbus. Sasstroklus delivers a final fuck you, pulls the finger at all three of his killers and blazes it down to Hades.
Book 17:Â Hector takes Achillesâ armour off Patroklus, marking him as target #1 for the Sulk King. The Trojans and the Greeks spend an entire chapter having a tug of war with Patroklusâ body. Ajax and Menelaus comment mildly on how Zeus is helping out the Trojans, and the god shines a bit of sunlight in chagrin for being called out. The Greeks win the tug of war thanks to Double Ajax Tactics.
Book 18:Â In which Achilles goes nuts. Everybody has a cry because Patroklus was a Swell Guy (seriously,as swell as a Hawaiian surf that guy). Achilles goes and therapy-screams at the Trojans, who see the mad bloke and back the fuck off - Â rightfully so, as Achilles is planning some good old human sacrifice to his dead âriderâ Patroklus. Meanwhile, Hephaestus quick-smelts some smashing new armour for Achilles with his household robots.
Book 19:Â Achilles gets dolled up for battle. Agadickbutt and Odysseus try to placate the madman with gifts, including Briseis, the dame Agamemnope stole from Achilles, but Achillesâ quota of fucks has run out indefinitely. He saddles up and gets ready to fuck up his bae killer.
Book 20:Â Zeus RÍĄELEÒASEÍSÌ” ÍTÍHÍEÍĄ ÍGÍOÌ·DÍSÍ and lets them play for whichever team they like, so long as Achilles doesnât sack Troy just quite yet. Itâs probably a friendly game similar to football in god terms. Athena invents the spear boomerang, Hera and Poseidon do some casual sunbathing, while Achilles paints the town red rather literally.Â
Book 21: Achilles finds men too weak and decides to take on a literal river (Scamander). Achilles realizes this was AÌŽ BÌžad ̶IÍdeÍaÍĄand decides heâll stick to men. Weâre not sure whether Diomedes would have backed off from a river, but I guess weâll never know. Apollo saves a dude called Agenor from Achilles molestation and in doing so also saves the Brojans. The epic story continues.
Book 22: Apollo says surprise Achilles, tricked ya into chasing me boi, Iâm immortal. Achilles stares him dead in the eye for a full minute then says âfuck youâ and rides off back to Troy. Hector decides itâs time for another 1v1, but at the last minute considers that this idea was insane and fuckin legs it. Achilles chases Hector around the wall of Troy three times presumably to this soundtrack. Hector finally stops to fight, and thanks to the Athena Spear Boomerangá”áŽč, Achilles avenges his Patroklus. Hector performs the minor miracle of talking whilst having a spear sticking out of his throat before he dies, then Troyâs hero gets roadhauled and everyone is Sad.Â
Book 23:Â Ghost Patroklus pays Achilles a visit, like a sexy Obi wan Kenobi and tells Achilles to bury him already. Patghostklus also beseeches that their bones be laid (ha) together when Achilles inevitably gets fucked on by Fate. Achilles says of course bby I was gonna do that anyway, and tries to make out with a ghost, but this isnât a Whoopi Goldberg type deal, so Patroghost gets sent back down under. They put the fun in funeral by having games and giving out toasters and such as prizes.
Book 24 (The End): After âyearning after the might and manfulness of Patroklusâ, Achilles continues to roadhaul Hector until Apollo gives his fam a spray about the dishonour of it. Hera says heâs only mortal scum so who gives a fuck and Zeus says chill wife and commands Achilles to REÌ”LÍEÌĄAÌ·SÍąE ÌŽTÍHȨ HÍȨCÌTÌ”OÌ·RÍĄ (sorry I canât help it). With Hermes as a bodyguard, Priam (Hectorâs dad) goes to get the body back. Achilles and Priam have a man-cry bonding moment over Dead Loved Ones, Hector is whisked off to be buried and there ends the Iliad! Thereâs none of the ankle-shooting, wooden-horse-building shenanigans in there, they all come in later texts such as the Aeneid and Ovid, although I still canât find the exact text where Achilles gets shot. If yâall know, send me the link ;)  I fucking found it nvm
Anyhoo, that wasâŠJeez, that was The Iliad (aka the longest post in existence). Well, my retold, abridged more slightly less serious version.Itâs definitely worth a read, if you can get past all the names!
Check out more Greek Stories here :D