Apparently It's Not Normal To Have Suicidal Thoughts???? Like Ever????? Apparently The Average Person

Me

My mom: how can you still be tired?! You slept all day!

Me: *is not actually physically tired, just really tired of reality and living so I use sleep as an alternative to death*

you broke me

you killed the child that I was

you caused permanent psychological damage

you broke me

just to get off? are you proud of yourself?

you always did like seeing me cry

You obliterated me. You damn well messed me up. There were paragraphs and pages where I had to stop because I was struggling to release the pressure that was crushing my chest. I had to reel myself and emerge from the story's depths so that I could breathe; to remind myself that my lungs are deflated and that they need to function properly and that I must stand up and shake off droplets of grief. To recover from the flurry of punches to the gut, to suck back the air that was knocked out of me. To stop the world from spinning as my eyes sped through thousands of words. To remind myself that I am still lucky, to remind myself that I am still safe, before I plunge into the novel's depths once again.

Then, to brace my body for the impact of shifting narratives (especially the few final ones), the remaining words that I knew would deliver the hardest blow.

Ang hirap mong basahin. Ilang beses ko kinailangan munang pakalmahin puso ko. I knew there was a right time to finally fish you out of my TBR pile. I knew that it must be when I am emotionally prepared and ready.

For those who haven't yet read "A Little Life" and are planning to, please know that it is a heavy book loaded with heavy issues that may trigger your mind to spiral. To call this novel dark and gloomy is an understatement. Prepare for the pain.

Yet, even after all that, I highly appreciated this reading experience. First time diving into prose that juggles themes of horrendous traumas and bright, complex friendships, of how they blend and clash and affect the fragile, broken self living in an often cruel age of anxiety.

Difference between promises and memories?

We break promises.

And our memories break us.

:) 🖤

The saddest moment is going to self harm and realising you have to look for clean skin to cut...

This

I envy the hero’s who weren’t a coward and took their own life. I hope to make that list one day… 

Last night was one of the worst. I just couldn’t stop crying cuz somebody close to me almost died. Thankfully everything turned out fine in the end but it really took a toll on me. I couldn’t sleep so I tried reading a book but that just made me cry more. Life is hard innit </3