Xxsadist0nexx - Not Bad, Just The Worst ;)

“I want someone to see the dark parts of my mind. The messy, the scary, the destructive parts and still choose to stay.“

Frrrrr

me at literally any minor inconvenience…

me: i want to kill myself

best friend: wtf?! why??

me: i spilled milk

best friend:…so clean it?

me: no, you don’t understand…i must die now

Me at night wondering how I fucked up my life so bad

TW SH

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i hate how much i’ve shared with people. i want to take everything back

The Man

The man you called ‘dad’,

The man who turned his back 

The man who left you alone to grow by yourself.

The man you no longer call dad,

The man who turned back,

Like years hadn’t pass.

Now the man that never calls back,

Asks why you never call back.

Makes you laugh,like he isn’t the man who left you alone to grow by yourself…

I've tried it once and samee

you know what i find interesting? those stories about suicide survivors that say they realized every one of their problems could be solved without suicide as they were attempting (and obviously failed). they were glad to have failed, and use this to encourage others not to commit suicide.

but for me, i’ve personally attempted twice. I’ve only felt even sadder that I didn’t die. so yea, pretty much guaranteed that suicide is what it’s gonna be for me.

Fr

i’m sorry that i won’t get better

we all know how all this gonna end:/

It’s so hard healing and staying clean when my scars just work as a constant reminder of what I used to do and still have the urge to do. I look down and see those lines going up and down my arms and I’m just reminded of the feelings that accompanied them. The hopelessness, sadness, and pain that lead me to do it, and the release that came when I made them. I still feel that hopelessness and sadness a decade later, it never goes away, and the urge to self harm always comes back like a demon I can’t get rid of. I’ve gotten much better at suppressing the urge to do it as I’ve gotten older and gained more coping mechanisms, but it refuses to go away completely.

It’s not even just the reminder of the urge that sucks. I feel so much shame when I look at them; I feel like if people see my arms then they just see me as broken or damaged goods. I absolutely cannot stand the looks of pity or faux concern or- god forbid the look of disgust- when someone looks at my scars before my face. It really doesn’t help when my coworker tells me about his latest dating escapades and always brings up his current partner’s scars offhand like it’s an issue or a concern he needs to be wary of. It makes me wonder if he knows, if he’s seen my scars. He’s had to at some point, I’ve worn short sleeves to work before but not often. But he’s had to have seen. That makes me wonder then if he’s trying to get me to say something about it. I don’t know what exactly, but the whole situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth and further fuels my feelings of shame.

The stigma surrounding self harm is still extremely prevalent and does nothing to help those who may be struggling with it. Until we are able to discuss our past or current struggles without fear of rejection or shame from those around us, these conversations will be far and few between, and there will be less people who are able to seek healing.