Why Does Everyone I Love Fucking Hurt Me, Its Like Im Worthless To Them

Weil es mich fühlen lässt

jean rhys, good morning, midnight

[text: ‘What happened to you, what happened’ he says. ‘Something bad must have happened to make you like this.’ / ‘One thing? It wasn’t one thing. It took years. It was a slow process.’]

hey, you

yes you

listen to me

you are worth it

you’re worth all the effort someone may have to put in

you’re worth the doctors visits and the copays

you’re worth late night phone calls and hugs when you fall apart

you’re worth whatever it takes

you’re worthy of life

i know you probably won’t believe me

but i swear to you it’s true

i love you

please please message me if you need anything

it doesn’t have to be me but reach out

someone can help

there’s always someone willing to help

and you deserve it

Difference between promises and memories?

We break promises.

And our memories break us.

This.

Everybody thinks I’m so happy.

And I’m like : « Ok, but I won’t show you my arms and my thighs. You won’t see me crying the whole night and fall asleep at 4am. Neither when I can’t breathe because of my anxiety. Neither when I go to the toilets to cry. Neither when I have a binge eating episode. Or when I throw up in the toilets. Neither when I put a fake smile on my face when I have to meet people. Neither when I wake up and think about dying. You will never see this part of me. »

Hit a little too close to home

They don't think I need help, but I'm scaring myself.

I literally crave intimacy. Just physical contact my guy. One good honest hug. A kiss perhaps. To hold a fucking hand

It’s been a few hours, you’ve just been hanging there. You’ve been quiet, too quiet. Usually there’s music playing, or your foot steps could be heard. But today, you’re quiet. Your little sister, who doesn’t normally come to greet you because you lock yourself away, decides to see what you’re doing. She assumes you’re taking a nap, or doing some homework quietly. She runs up the stairs, eager to see, but she comes to an immediate halt. You’re not doing your homework, nor taking a nap. Your music isn’t playing and you aren’t walking around. You’re hanging there, completely still, now just like her. At this moment, her whole world shatters. Everything she has ever known, looked up to, loved, is hanging there by a thread. At this moment, her life has been changed forever. At this moment, she wishes she was hanging with you.

Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.” No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.” No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.” They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.

Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn’t need you, or didn’t care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren’t waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.

Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare say no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn’t yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that said you didn’t meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.

Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone elses.

If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out:

My ask is open, and I’m always here. I’ll never judge you. I’ll try to help you.

If you are thinking of taking your life, call:

1-800-784-2433

1-800-SUICIDE

Why do I always come back to this