You Want Me To Be Happy? Put A Gun To My Head And Pull The Damn Trigger.

It counts as self harm. If you scratch yourself on purpose but its only a red bulge it still counts as sled harm.

When I’m anxious I chew the skin on my fingers, sometimes it bleeds, sometimes it bleeds a lot. I can never quite figure out if it counts or not

jean rhys, good morning, midnight

[text: ‘What happened to you, what happened’ he says. ‘Something bad must have happened to make you like this.’ / ‘One thing? It wasn’t one thing. It took years. It was a slow process.’]

You obliterated me. You damn well messed me up. There were paragraphs and pages where I had to stop because I was struggling to release the pressure that was crushing my chest. I had to reel myself and emerge from the story's depths so that I could breathe; to remind myself that my lungs are deflated and that they need to function properly and that I must stand up and shake off droplets of grief. To recover from the flurry of punches to the gut, to suck back the air that was knocked out of me. To stop the world from spinning as my eyes sped through thousands of words. To remind myself that I am still lucky, to remind myself that I am still safe, before I plunge into the novel's depths once again.

Then, to brace my body for the impact of shifting narratives (especially the few final ones), the remaining words that I knew would deliver the hardest blow.

Ang hirap mong basahin. Ilang beses ko kinailangan munang pakalmahin puso ko. I knew there was a right time to finally fish you out of my TBR pile. I knew that it must be when I am emotionally prepared and ready.

For those who haven't yet read "A Little Life" and are planning to, please know that it is a heavy book loaded with heavy issues that may trigger your mind to spiral. To call this novel dark and gloomy is an understatement. Prepare for the pain.

Yet, even after all that, I highly appreciated this reading experience. First time diving into prose that juggles themes of horrendous traumas and bright, complex friendships, of how they blend and clash and affect the fragile, broken self living in an often cruel age of anxiety.

“There are nights I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to put my head in the pillow so no one hears me. There are also nights I’m happy that you’re happy and I think everything happens for a reason. And there are also nights where I feel nothing at all. But there is never a night that you don’t cross my mind.”

I don't think most people understand the urge to kill yourself every time you do something wrong

sorry for seeing the divine in the monstrous. not my fault.

#selfh4rm #cvts #s3lfh@rm #styrotwt #styrocvts #bl@des looking 4 mutuals:)

this post hasn't left my mind since i've first saw it