Xainan "even Cowgirls Get The Blues" Esch Is A Dissociative Mood

idk about anyone else but I get so damn excited when closed captions are referenced or like there's easter eggs in the captions like it's the best thing I'm so tired of missing stuff because the captions are bad so when this happens it's great

I also think about the fact riz carried around baron in his briefcase for an entire year a lot.

it feels a lot like a queer (specifically ace for me) denial that I'm intimately familiar with. you know you don't want it but you keep the idea of the life you're supposed to have, the partner you're supposed to want, in your back pocket to fall back on if being different gets too scary, so if all your friends find people who matter more to them and leave you might have someone too. you know it feels scary and stifling and wrong but you keep it there in the bottom of your briefcase just in case, just in case. you can't let it go and you can't let the shame that goes with it go because that would mean being alone, right?

anyway I'm in a perpetual romantic attraction crisis (am I demiromantic or is that just internalised aphobia rearing its ugly head again) and riz gukgak is a mood

i think about the fact riz carried around baron in his breifcase for an entire year a lot. btw.

like yeah you defeated him in the nightmare forest and he isn't a threat now or whatever but. he's there. you know he is. and you carry that invisible weight of the fear that one day all your friends will move on and you will die alone for a year. for more than a year.

and you see it coming true. your plan to keep all your friends together crumbles between your fingers and you don't know what to do.

then it comes back in a massive moment, there is no shoving the monster under the bed anymore. you cannot shy away from mirrors and cover your ears and act like it was never there to begin with. it is too large and you have ignored it for far too long. you must face it.

I have like fifty posts (all unintelligible) about how adaine abernant makes me feel sat in my drafts and I also just spontaneously burst into tears earlier thinking about how I wish I could have preserved my rage like this silly little fictional character managed to. I want to be angry like adaine and bitter like adaine and mean like adaine and I want to punch my dad so hard he dies in a forest made of my worst nightmares and I wish I was angry at people other than myself right now

it's day one of nanowrimo but it's also day one of mushrooms coming out in animal crossing so I'm conflicted

it's trans day of visibility so I thought in honour of that I'd share all my trans bad kid headcanons :))

we're starting with fabian because ofc we are. I love every iteration of trans fabian, transfem, transmasc, enby (less seen but still good). I personally hc him as transmasc, just because I enjoy the imaginary representation of rejection of anything remotely feminine due to dysphoria and then slowly coming back to the things that you genuinely like about it.

adaine next because I almost exclusively talk and think and breathe about adaine. gender nonconforming for sure, probably nonbinary (doesn't use a more specific label than that I don't think), either they/them or possibly they/she pronouns?

kristen is nonbinary and I think probably uses all pronouns?

gorgug also uses all pronouns, the third point of the nonbinary trinity. transfem gorgug also means a lot to me

riz is transmasc to me, he/him pronouns.

fig is transfem, she/they pronouns

lmk your trans bad kid headcanons because I've yet to hear one that doesn't work for me, these are just my personal favourites. happy trans day of visibility, love and solidarity to all my fellow trans people <3

Steel continues to ring every manipulator bell on my head after his latest episode...

I swear, I have other thoughts (SO MANY THOUGHTS) about what happens to Ame and Eursulon on thos podcast too! But every interaction with Steel leaves me absolutely CONSUMED! Every inch of my body is screaming, "SUVI, YOU ARE IN DANGER, GIRL!", but it feels like grasping at smoke to name them all, WHICH FEELS LIKE ANOTHER REASON! NOT! TO TRUST HER!!

Like, wdym you have to take her back to the place where she can be killed for treason?? Before you give her any real answers??? And all this only after love bombing her and telling her she's your only hope at a daughter she can be proud of...

Idk, maybe I'm just seeing what confirms my bias, but NOTHING she said today gave me any confidence that she is actually on Suvi's side...

"I love you"

"I think we're in a lot of trouble"

okay so given the circumstances I get the stress but damn silver that is not a good response to your girlfriend saying I love you for the first time

im here because of ur trans bad kids post i feel like kristen is transfem (which sort of doesnt work with the story but its a headcanon so. shhh) and realized later in life that you can be nonbinary and trans and probably uses any pronouns (sending an ask because i dont want my mutuals to know im into d20. ok thats all bye :3) (extra note we have the same pronouns! which i think is cool)

the amount of respect I have for trans headcanons that don't make sense in the story but just Feel Right ™️ is truly unbridled. transfem kristen is so good yes, I love the idea that helio expected his chosen one to be a dudebro fratboy and he instead got a chaos gnc lesbian.

also xe/they pronouns are objectively the best ones I don't make the rules

defenestrate me please so I stop feeling these things

I feel crazy about Elias's scar, I feel crazy I feel insane, he bears the mark of his own kindness, a young and hungry, brilliant scientist who forces himself to live in a world of logic, wincing at his own reflection in the mirror because he has to face the evidence of his own emotion and righteousness adorned in blood.

The way he has to pull his hat down to hide it, which means he always has to keep his eyes to the ground, his scar literally barring him from human connection.

How he's thought of that girl who looked at him and actually smiled for Years because it means she saw his face and wasn't afraid.

Somebody through me out a WINDOW I'm LOSIN it

"do you ever fear that the kindness shown to you by your friends is a reflection of their character? our family did not love us. and perhaps there is some trait of us that made that easy" um yes I do actually bleem shut the fuck up