Me Days Before My Birthday Be Like

~im patched up, and sewed with scars all over again, it hurts~

I can feel my palpable hunger. It's growling slowly, softly eroding the acid in my stomach. But this is not about food. This is not about how much I long to be fed and cared for. This is about me doing nothing to curb my insane hunger. Nothing at all. I cannot leave my seat until it is time for me to eat. I am not allowed to eat before that. My existence means nothing earlier than the time assigned to me.

I am external to my own hopes and feelings. I am a creature of habit, lost and so fucking confused because all my patterns are changing now. I don't bite all my nails off at once. I'm eating and sleeping and living. What the actual fuck? Where are my habits, pulling me into those cyclical bouts of depression and anxiety?

Wait, slow down.

Numbness engulfs me. I want love. Someone to hold and kiss. Oh gosh, this is crazy. Did you know insane people dress really well? I cleaned and ate and worked and I'm breaking all my natural habits to co-exist with criminals.

Criminal behavior is cool. I want to kill them. Preferably kill me, burn all my notes to the fucking ground, and forget I ever felt a single fucking thing.

I'm so lonely. I'm laughing internally. No, those are tears of blood. Fuck, Fuck, Shit. Ha ha ha.

I stole shit when I went shopping. I steal things and cry about pants that don't fit my ugly legs anymore. Self-deprecation is so much fun! Ha, you thought I was getting better. What in the world does getting better even mean?

I am literally a social construct and would not exist if everything never existed and existence is so taxing. I need sleep. I want to kill you, maim your skin with scars given from a Swiss knife. I carry poison around like it's something to be proud of.

FUCK, FUCK, SHIT.

Bye bye bye.

Materialistic shit is so fucking cool. Buy me stationary thanks, wait not those pens. My favorite color is green, idiot.

Do you think Dolphins know they will all die one day? I want to taste pizza with ketchup again. Let's get pizza and watch the stars and no, never mind, you remind me of my dead father.

Grave? Oh you mean mine? Yeah, it's already prepared. A death note, a step-by-step process. I intend to be a rich dead motherfucker that takes her own life. Gunshot to the head, blood names on the walls, and a shit ton of cash floating in that bloody bath.

Blood money. Use it at will.

Bye bye, fuck.

Chai tea bag + lil but of brown sugar + apple cider packet + 16 oz. mug of hot but not quite boiling water

it will not Fix You but like. maybe. maybe.

me the minute i sat in this cab to go to uni; can i just be a 5 yr old with my grandma making me lunch as i run around the house and laugh again please? Why did I have to grow up (⁠T⁠T⁠)(⁠T⁠T⁠)(⁠T⁠T⁠)(⁠T⁠T⁠)(⁠T⁠T⁠)

I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A SHAWN MENDES PHASE AGAIN, BUT I'M LOVIN IT CAUSE TEENAGE ME WROTE FANFICS ABT THIS MF 🤧💀💋

crying in cry

“let’s make a promise. your weed will always be my weed”

THE URGE TO WATCH THIS SHOW IS SO REAL RIGHT NOW. HANNIBAL AND WILL ARE MY DADS AND THEY RAISED ME, I SAID WHAT I SAID!

finish eating your bible before dessert

*cue Lana Del Rey and Paris Paloma*

*cats are my one true love**

As I Was Moving Ahead Occasionally I Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty (Jonas Mekas, 2000)

"haven't i given enough?"

It's on days like these when I wish, I lived alone. In a home settled deep into a busy street in this busy city, with one space, only for me. On days like this when the rain has fallen all over the pavement and the scent of trees is in the air, I wish I lived with my thoughts and perhaps a cat, if only I could.

There is comfort in this home I reside in, a family filled with love and admiration for each other, but still, amidst all the underlying chaos of pain and dysfunction, there is only one thing on my mind. I wish I lived alone. The house I would live in would be mine alone. Filled with so many things green it would almost be like Pantone decided to trip the green palette into the space.

I look at my room, which really hasn't been mine in the past year, and see things no one else does, for they aren't here. Memories of nights with friends that don't come into this room anymore. Days where I've spent my entire afternoon painting on this very floor, covering each corner of the tile with a different color. What memories will I be able to make when I don't have to hide in a single room for the entire day? Will all these bits and pieces spread around the entire house in just a chaos of boredom and peace?

Will I recognize freedom when it greets me with warm hands and a shy smile at the front door? Or will I turn it away because it isn't the shivering, crippling figure of the anxiety that made me hide under the very desk I write this on top of when everything was too bright and my head wanted life dull?

I'm unsure of only one thing when it comes to the fact that I wished I lived alone. The fact that I won't understand that living alone and being lonely may just be two different things that have nothing to do with each other. Living alone might just be the one thing that salvages the hollow fear I feel inside. There isn't somebody who tells me I did my best anymore. Will I tell myself for every next day in the future, that I did everything that I could and I still will?

The house that I call mine will cover each and every wall with not just paintings and art, but splashes of all the mistakes I've made, so I know there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to accepting your mistakes, not even displaying them on the wall of your own home.

I wish, on days like this, when the absolute massacre of personal space is a matter of zero concern for people in this house, that I lived alone.

I wish I lived in a home, where being my authentic self wasn't shameful and uncomfortable, but so honest and appreciated, that I would never live.

I wish to live in a home, where I am confined to these walls not by constraint but by my choice. I wish, on these days when everything moves above, below, and beside me. I only wish, to live alone.

~ noor.