Things I’m No Longer Doing For The Rest Of 2023

decide what your base is and make sure you never leave the house without it:

Base hygiene (showering/ deodorant/ skincare etc)

Base make up (a simple look that takes you less than 10 minutes)

Base outfits (have some go-to outfits always ready)

Base hair (learn 3 simple hairstyles that elevate your look)

base jewellery (simple studs, a tennis bracelet or two)

Base emotions (how do you want to leave the house feeling? Do you want to grab a bite before you leave? Do you need to call yourself down?)

Femme Fatale Guide: How To Learn To Love Yourself & Heal From Toxic People

Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and thoughts, authentically and without self-criticism or judgment: Acknowledge that you're grieving. Accept that you need to mourn your loss. Even if it is better to move on in life without these people, it is healthy and completely valid to grieve the relationships you had with these people – regardless of whether they were one-sided, deluded, or otherwise toxic. Allow yourself to cry, be angry, lie in bed, etc. Hit a pillow, sleep in all day on a weekend, or wear a set of pajamas for a WFH day. Give yourself permission to engage in self-soothing behaviors without any type of self-harm or self-sabotage.

Rest, relax, and pamper yourself in your leisure time: Spend time taking it easy – reading, watching TV, doing a face mask or another indulgent skin treatment, using a body massager, cooking dinner in a silk robe and slippers, lighting a candle, cozying up in a blanket, etc. Allow yourself to feel at peace. Create a sanctuary in your space.

Take time for introspection and self-discovery: Being in any type of relationship with toxic people is draining and can cause you to feel as though you've lost a part of yourself by trying to make the relationship succeed. Now, it's time to reclaim yourself after you've courageously cut out these toxic people from your life. Consider and honor your deepest desires, values, interests, hobbies, lifestyle, goals, aesthetic, food, sexual, entertainment preferences, etc. Go on a self-discovery journey to figure out who you really are, what you believe, and who you will work to become as you enter this new, exciting chapter of your life.

Journal, read, eat healthily, work out, drink plenty of water, and sleep: Go back to the basic healthy habits. Try to journal for at least 5-10 minutes a day (using a 5-minute journal, morning pages [writing 3 pages of stream-of-conscious thoughts first thing in the morning], journal or shadow work prompts), make 2-3 whole food, plant-based meals with carbs, veggies, fruits, proteins, and healthy fats, find some ways to incorporate movement into your day – 30-minute walk or yoga session is enough if that's all you can manage consistently, have your body weight in ounces of water daily, and sleep for around 7-8 hours a night. Do some inner child healing by taking care of your core needs.

Indulge in all of your favorites: There's a lot of fun you can have when you have total freedom regarding your daily activities and choices. Give yourself permission to enjoy this solitude. Wear your favorite outfits every day (occasion-appropriate options, of course), including pajamas, loungewear, lingerie, and accessories. Make your favorite meals and snacks throughout the week (incorporating some healthy options in there to feel your best – I love a good oatmeal bowl, frozen grapes, baked Japanese sweet potato, or a hummus and vegetable plate). Watch your favorite TV shows or movies. Indulge in a glass of wine you love or reread a favorite book. Create a masterful playlist. Plan a day of your favorite activities (a long walk, getting a coffee, indulging in a spa day, going to a farmer's market, going to a yoga class, etc.) Treat yourself like your own best friend.

Get comfortable doing things alone: Honestly, no one cares or is paying attention to if you're doing activities alone or with someone else. If someone shows too much interest in your solitude, they're probably projecting their own insecurities regarding their perceived social ridicule. Take yourself shopping, to the nail salon, out for a meal, to the movies, etc. alone. Personally, I love doing most of these things alone anyways. Running errands alone gives you some space to clear your mind and think freely.

Define what an ideal social life and/or relationship looks like for you: Once you've become comfortable with yourself and living life on your own terms, it's time to embrace your desire for human connection and socialization. Consider the types of people you want in your life – their values, personalities, interests, goals, favorite activities, relational boundaries, etc., and where/when/how often you want to interact with them.

Create an action plan: Reconnect with the people in your life who continue to show up for you and have been a light through these toxic relationships and their lasting effects over the months or years. Decide on the places, groups, and ways you'll reach out/try to meet these people. Figure out how to expand your network, and make new connections. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. You won't vibe with everyone you meet, but it is worthwhile to engage in small talk with several strangers if even one of these new faces, later on, becomes a good friend or acquaintance. A varied social circle is a great way to enrich your life.

Take small steps, then strides: Be gentle on yourself throughout this entire process. It is perfectly okay to take one day at a time during the grieving process. Everyone's healing journey will look different and evolve at a different pace. Don't let these toxic people remain in your heart, mind, and spirit. Remember that you deserve love, kindness, happiness, success, peace, and patience.

How I manipulate people into giving me what I want

As y’all probably know I’m obsessed with social psychology and have read countless books on how to influence the opinions of others without much effort. Anyway, I was just able to get a first class ticket on a fully booked flight (I missed my original flight by over 2 hours) so I thought I’d share my general technique of manipulating people into doing favors for me :)

1. I approach them with completely open and non-aggressive body language. I walk over with a full smile, I make eye contact for a second, smile, look away, and make eye contact again (people hate prolonged eye-contact, it intimidates them), I raise my eyebrows (to show recognition), and I don’t get too close (people don’t like their personal space violated).

2. When I reach them, I make an empathetic statement. The thing is, people think the world revolves around them so the way to get anyone to like you is to make them feel…like the world revolves around them. So I make a comment like, “Wow, you must be having such a busy day” or “So, those other customers were driving you crazy, huh”. This allows them to not only feel empathized with but also acknowledged.

3. I let them compliment themselves. So in my plane ticket scenario, after giving my empathetic comment of “So, you must be really busy this morning”, I followed it up with “it must take so much patience to deal with so many cancellations”. The guy behind the counter was elated and immediately said “Yes, I’ve been doing this for 20 years and it’s really forced me to be a calm and patient man”. By allowing him to compliment himself, he didn’t have to feel that I was being fake and also felt better about himself. After that comment, I was able to ask him about his experience working at the airport and build genuine rapport for about 5 minutes (of course, focusing the entire conversation on him).

4. I add a sense of urgency. Adding a time frame to a matter is incredibly helpful because it forces your company to think of immediate solutions. So after our really pleasant chat, I simply went “Do you know where I can go to get on a flight to London? I missed my flight and have to get to class by early afternoon.” Adding a “why” to a request is also helpful because according to studies, when people have context for a request they’re much more willing to fulfill it. In response to my question he immediately began looking for the first flight out to the UK.

5. I let them offer. I never directly ask for something, it’s too intrusive for a stranger and puts them in defense mode. Instead, I wait and let them offer. I could’ve asked him to get me a new ticket and I could’ve asked him to upgrade me, but instead I let our relationship develop organically and worked on his subconscious to get him to feel inexplicably grateful for my presence and therefore like he owed me for making his day better. It’s always best to allow them to offer to help, that way they feel like they’re in control which of course, people love.

That’s it! Works like an absolute charm and no, pretty privilege has nothing to do with it :)

do you have any recommendations on how to spend one's holiday break during college? i'm not asking for recs related to traveling, shopping, etc. but more self-improvement-related activities i could do now that i often do not have time for during the week along with assignments, work, and whatnot. thank you, elle :).

Hey Anon! I'm just going to list out a few self-improvement-related things I enjoy :)

Cultivate Daily Meditation: Embrace a daily meditation practice, tailoring the duration to your comfort. I find dedicating time to mindfulness immensely valuable. Personally, I prefer a 15-minute meditation right before bedtime, creating a serene end to the day.

Craft a Comprehensive Budget and Invest Wisely: Formulate a detailed, achievable budget for the year. If you've managed savings, consider maximizing their potential by placing them in a high-yield savings account or a straightforward investment fund.

Declutter and Donate: Spend a half day decluttering your living space. Organize and label items you no longer need, and contribute to your local community by donating them to a Goodwill center. A tidy space often translates to a clearer mind.

Expand Your Network on LinkedIn: Explore LinkedIn to discover 10 professionals in careers that captivate you. Don't hesitate to reach out; the potential for gaining valuable insights is vast. Remember, reaching out is an opportunity, not a risk.

Give Back to the Community: Dedicate a couple of days on your calendar to volunteer at local establishments like food pantries, community gardens, or nursing homes. Contributing to your community is a fulfilling way to make a positive impact.

Explore Fitness Diversity with ClassPass: Opt for a ClassPass membership to diversify your workout routine. Utilize free trial credits to experiment with new fitness classes in your area, keeping your physical activity engaging and dynamic.

Try a Dopamine Detox for Mental Rejuvenation: Take a break from the constant stimuli by temporarily surrendering your phone to a trusted party for a day or two. This dopamine detox provides a chance to reflect and reconnect with yourself, fostering mental rejuvenation.

Indulge in a Novel Escape at a Local Cafe: Break away from mundane readings by treating yourself to a spicy romance novel. Binge-read it at a local cafe, allowing your soul a well-deserved break from routine. While not directly tied to self-improvement, it's a delightful way to nourish your spirit.

again and again and again and again

that constant nagging of ambition and fear of stagnancy literally rules my life. sometimes it paralyzes me and i end up barely doing anything for the day and sometimes it energizes me. the need to get better, the need to improve skills, and the need to reinvent myself. it still shocks me that the average person doesn’t feel this ache to BECOME. to evolve. to flourish. to kickstart a metamorphosis every month. hell, maybe every week. like who am i without gutting my wardrobe or deciding a new career path? idk. but at least I’m another skill smarter, another look hotter, and another business wealthier. better than nothing at all.

Hypergamy Harsh Truth?

The only thing I can really say is that men don’t want to date losers so do something with yourself and with your life. No one wants to spend their precious time with someone who they view as a burden or a waste of time, no one wants to waste their life away with someone who has nothing going on for them and is just a pretty face, and no one wants to hear endless talk about the soft life or other vapidness or spend the best years of their life with someone who’s never been able to grow up. You’re not a teenager anymore, it’s not cute to have never grown up and it’s not fair to expect others to stand by you whilst you fuck around. If you have nothing going on for you, if you’ve never lived outside of your family home or you’re incapable of working a job, and if you can’t take care of yourself then you cannot reasonably expect someone else to want to do that for you. The amount of emotional labour and sometimes even physical labour that goes into beginning and maintaining a relationship is intense and you’re not going to develop those skills overnight and you’re also shit out of luck if you don’t have basic social skills or the ability to create or maintain surface level friendships or relationships, you need confidence and you’re not going to gain those skills from anything I tell you. You need to get outside and actually work.

Charles James Ball Gowns, New York, 1948

Photograph by Cecil Beaton

Turning your life around? Coming out of a funk? Getting over a breakup? Need to reignite your spark for life? Need to feel in control? Want a boost of confidence? Dealing with low self esteem?

Where to start:

Exercise every day

Skincare + makeup of personal preference (yes this includes not wearing makeup at all if that is your personal preference)

Hair done

Showered and moisturized

At least one hobby you engage with on a daily/frequent basis

At least one skill you are developing on a daily/frequent basis

If you haven’t gotten a 7 day workout streak and completed the other bullet points on this list yet, stop moaning, get to work, and kill your distractions.

This is level 0.

BOUNDARIES. Examples for when to say NO and when to say YES.

When to say NO:

When you're already committed to too many tasks and taking on more would be overwhelming.

When you need time for yourself to relax, recharge, or pursue your interests.

When someone invades your personal space or asks intrusive questions.

When someone asks for something that's beyond your capacity or comfort.

When someone tries to involve you in gossip or negative conversations about others.

When someone uses guilt, threats, or manipulation to pressure you into doing something.

When your generosity is being taken advantage of, and it's affecting your own needs.

When someone asks you to do something that goes against your values or principles.

When someone borrows money from you without a clear plan for repayment.

When someone consistently disrespects your boundaries or treats you poorly.

When to Say YES:

When a close friend genuinely needs your support and you're capable of providing it.

When you're passionate about a cause and want to contribute your time and skills.

When an opportunity arises that aligns with your goals and helps you learn and develop.

When you're invited to gatherings or events that you genuinely enjoy and benefit from.

When saying "yes" to social or professional opportunities can help you make valuable connections.

When your family members or loved ones need your emotional or practical assistance.

When saying "yes" involves trying something new or acquiring useful skills.

When taking on a new task or responsibility can push you to grow and overcome obstacles.

When saying "yes" to maintaining healthy relationships involves compromise and mutual understanding.

When you're confident that saying "yes" won't negatively impact your overall well-being or other important obligations.