March 2023 "That Girl" Challenge

to all of my dolls finding themselves:

originality is the "aesthetic" you are looking for. individuality is the "it factor" you are looking for. from your personality, pieces, hair, cadence of voice...even down to your favorite foods or special interests. you aren't supposed to change every aspect about yourself to be more palatable for everyone you meet. that actually makes you BORING!!!

"but so and so is doing this" "but what if people don't like it" ... so??? don't take people disliking your aesthetic as a sign that you need to do something different. like, of course they don't like it or have second thoughts - it's because THEY wouldn't do it themselves because it wouldn't go with THEIR given aesthetic. HELLOO??????

unless they are like minded, stop asking other people to weigh in on the things you CLEARLY like about yourself. especially if it's a core personality trait or interest. your LIFE isn't a group project. your LIFE is not a co-op game.

and yes... people will try to force you to assimilate and follow the crowd by speaking misfortune on your rebrand, your expression, your hobbies, your chosen path out of jealousy. however, that jealousy is lowkey unspoken respect for the fact you have the candor to go against homogeneity.

your authentic dedication to everything that makes you YOU is what will bring you the illustrious life you so fervently seek in the end...not some book a celebrity wrote or a youtube video. it's in YOUR DNA to be a star already in anything you want to do.

there isn't one tutorial on this world wide web that will help you if you don't realize you have the components within you first. there is NOTHING wrong with you!!! you are EVERYTHING that is right already!!!

NEVER conform to the way they think you should shine.

Emotional contamination

You are responsible of your own life. Not other's. No one is REQUIRED to take care of yours, so why do theirs?

Your emotions influence how you live through your day. Either you let them dominate, and pass from one emotion to another (and be.under constant tension&stress), or you let them go when it's time, learn your lessons, and continue on with your day.

If you're careful of how you compartmentalize your day, you'll have overall better days compared to before. Letting go of anger, sadness, jealousy is compartmentalizing.

Constant excercise of this skill makes you better at it, and you'll be able to curate better your own life. Don't despair if you can't let go of things right away. This comes with exercise and previous experience ("I did that, therefore I can do this"). Give yourself grace.

Other's emotions also influence you, your day, and your life. Other's actions are (for most people) projections of their values and their emotions. If they're looking at the world through an angry lens, they're also contaminating you, with their interactions with you. So on for other emotions, positive or negative.

Some people consciously raise up negative emotions in you as a way to get dominion over you. It's sometimes very discreet.

You may be excellent at controlling your own self, your mind, letting go and finding lessons in everything, but all these efforts are doubled, or tripled when you surround yourself with people that just can't do the same as you, because you both have to take care of yourself AND offset their projections onto you.

People: family, ex you keep around, friends, partner. No one is spared in the eye of the glowupper.

That's why I strongly recommend to just snip them off or keep them far away from your inner space.

If you don't have to offset the projections produced by people unable to handle their own, it means you have extra time, mental space and energy to dedicate into other essential endeavours.

Those that are aware of their emotions, know how to take care of them, and protect other's minds from their own when it's gone bad, are rare but you'll notice them right away.

So, maybe it may be painful at first, but it's better being alone than surrounded by miserable people. The perks come later and in unexpected ways. Looks like a bad deal at the moment, but one gotta learn how to think further than the next day.

Other's pains and anger isn't your issue to solve. You aren't their mom. They're not your responsibility.

I am in no way saying that the ideal is to be in plain bliss all the time. Feelings are intrinsically human, but what we can control is how we act about those, and what space they'll occupy in the psyche.

Some people focus on others pains as a way to avoid confronting their own issues, they think "hey, I'm a good person I help others" but the best helpers are those that help themselves first. If you're one of those, this post is specifically pointed for you.

💎

Femme Fatale Playbook: Ways To Get Your Life Together During A Rest Season

Reading a diverse array of books, articles, and essays on different topics and skills that interest you

Take a language, art, cooking, or professional skills-building course (like coding, graphic design, social media, etc.)

Take long walks and try out different workouts/workout programs

Get creative in the kitchen, try out new recipes and meal ideas

Create fun mood boards, playlists, etc. Refine your signature style, preferences, and aesthetic

Watch interesting movies, films, YouTube videos, and listen to different podcasts

Journal, write, draw, dance

Streamline your wardrobe, makeup, and beauty routines. Do a closet clean out, or rearrange your home decor. Experiment with makeup, hairstyles, nail designs

Get organized. Clean up your space, hygiene, and digital environments (phone, laptop, iPad, etc.)

Take time for self-reflection: Get to know yourself, your values, what you want out of life, what & who gives you energy, and those places or people that drain you

Turning your life around? Coming out of a funk? Getting over a breakup? Need to reignite your spark for life? Need to feel in control? Want a boost of confidence? Dealing with low self esteem?

Where to start:

Exercise every day

Skincare + makeup of personal preference (yes this includes not wearing makeup at all if that is your personal preference)

Hair done

Showered and moisturized

At least one hobby you engage with on a daily/frequent basis

At least one skill you are developing on a daily/frequent basis

If you haven’t gotten a 7 day workout streak and completed the other bullet points on this list yet, stop moaning, get to work, and kill your distractions.

This is level 0.

Categories by which you can sort your glow up / self development process:

fashion (wardrobe, jewelry, shoes collection, etc)

body (nutritious diet, skincare, haircare, teeth, fitness, etc)

mental wellbeing (confidence and self-esteem, positivity, focus)

emotional wellbeing (emotional stability, addressing inner wounds, childhood wounds, traumas, anxieties - you have to be in a balanced place in order to really thrive)

education (learning new languages, cultures; courses and certifications; learning about various topics, politics, science, whatever interests you)

grace, poise, posture, manners

financial education - a separate category in and of itself because being financially savvy will change your life (basic financial education, how to invest, healthy money mindset, what are good investments, how mortgages work, etc)

and so many more!

Feel free to add more below or let me know if you’d like more in-depth article on this. 

💋 𝐿𝓊𝓂𝑒𝓃

hobbies to try out ♡

hobbies are such a great way to spend your time rather than being on technology all the time. It's great to have a skill, as skills can help you make friends, and can also open up new job opportunities!! here are some ideas, some are easy and simple and others are a little more advanced, there's (hopefully) something for everyone !!

O1 , painting / sketching

O2 , ballet (or dance in general)

O3 , sewing

O4 , reading

O5 , journalling

O6 , gardening

O7 , baking

O8 , photography

O9 , creative writing / songwriting / poem writing

1O , yoga

11 , learning an instrument (electric/acoustic guitar, drums, piano, violin etc)

12 , bracelet/jewellery making

13 , thrifting

14 , skateboarding

15 , hiking / exploring

16 , calligraphy

17 , pottery

18 , knitting / crochet

19 , pilates

2O , learning a language

21 , origami

22 , archery

23 , bird watching , herping , and animal/bug study in general

24 , mycology , plant observation/documentation

25 , start a podcast or amateur radio

26 , roller skating

27 , gymnastics / acrobatics

28 , cardistry

29 , terrarium making

30 , calisthenics

hope this helps!!!

Hi! I have a hard time owning my feminine energy, especially within romantic relationships with men, because I’m not having children. So if I’m not going to be the one carrying and raising children, then it’s hard for me to see the equality between the 2 if I still want a soft life. Does that make sense? Can you shed some light on that?

Hi love! Personally, I don't see any validity in this take as it sounds inundated in the patriarchy and patriarchal language. The equity of men and women in a relationship has to do with their individual capabilities to emotionally support themselves and their partner through different life situations/stages and communicate with each other effectively to ensure both partners' needs are being met, boundaries are respected, and preferences are attended to out of delight, not nagging or manipulation, all while learning to work together as a team to ensure your individual life needs are being met (bills/finances, jobs and career outlook, family planning and relationships, lifestyle habits, socializing needs, etc.).

What works for every couple is different. If both parties are happy with an arrangement and it does not place one party in a position of power over the other (like financial abuse or emotional blackmail), you are in a mutually-beneficial, therefore, equitable, relationship.

I don't know exactly what you mean by "soft life," as they're many interpretations of that phrase nowadays, but a mutually-beneficial relationship is an equitable relationship. Women are not defined by their wombs or homemaking capabilities. If you choose to take on these roles enthusiastically and in a way that doesn't leave you physically, emotionally, or financially vulnerable to be controlled by your partner, more power to you.

I believe that embracing your feminine energy in romantic relationships involves implementing the following practices:

Allowing yourself to embrace the fun, creative sides of yourself and share them with others. Get dressed up in your full glam for your date nights, wear the seductive perfume and lingerie at night, make the ravishing homecooked, candlelit dinner, etc. if you desire to create beautiful shared experiences. All because YOU want to do these things, and it genuinely makes you feel good to express this creative side of yourself.

Embrace your emotional side and the ability to be vulnerable about your feelings. Once someone passes your vetting process to the point of partnership status, learn to let go and express your emotions with this person. Nothing is more satisfying to the soul than feeling safe enough to be your authentic, vulnerable self, especially after a long day of performing with a hard exterior or other experiences that make everyday life frustrating (annoying coworker, demanding work project on deadline, traffic, the grocery store being out of an item you needed, etc.). Invite deep conversations, the right to cry, laugh, express authentic joy and excitement about things you fear others might find silly or mundane, and share your fears without worrying about being judged.

Learn how to get out of your own head and get your sexual needs met. You do not owe any man any sexual acts or a performance. Sex and surrounding intimate acts should be mutually pleasurable and gratifying. Speak up for what you want. Allow the attention to be solely focused on you at times. Don't worry about how you're perceived in bed for enjoying yourself. Any man should know he's lucky to be there.

Enjoy your interests freely (and frequently) without apologizing. Don't allow someone to put you down for loving certain activities, hobbies, entertainment, etc., especially more feminine ones (such as reality TV or caring about certain music/home decor/food preferences, etc.). They're not silly because the patriarchy doesn't give them the gold star of approval. All interests that don't harm others and bring you joy are valid.

Celebrate your uniquely feminine traits, routines, and habits unapologetically. PMS, menstrual routines and energy level fluctuations, greater needs for sleep in general, strict skincare routines, nightly rituals, hair removal and nail routines, need to turn down the AC, introduce certain sex toys into the bedroom, drink less alcohol, eat differently, workout differently, the time needed to gossip with your friends and go out to chat with your women friends weekly, etc. Remember that your preferences or needs are not lesser than because of your biology. In the context of a cishet relationship, this often means learning how to not feel inferior for being biologically female as well as some socialized traits like our engrained bias to maintain broader social networks, take more pleasure in putting effort into our appearances, etc. (generalizing here, I know, don't worry).

Know this was a long reply, but I think it's super important information to keep in mind. Signed, a fellow child-free-by-choice woman who doesn't want to deal with the stress of anyone else's B.S. either (especially a romantic partner, what a mood-killer).

Hope this helps xx

i think more women should develop signatures. signature scents, signature colors, signature looks, signature cars, signature phrases, signature words. just my personal belief ladies…

The Charisma Myth: things that I liked

dokumen.pub

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism 9781101560303, 2011043729 - DOKUMEN.PUB

...

Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:

Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.

Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

The very next time you’re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is fully engaged or whether it is wandering elsewhere (including preparing your next sentence).

Expensive clothing leads us to assume wealth, friendly body language leads us to assume good intentions, a confident posture leads us to assume the person has something to be confident about. In essence, people will tend to accept whatever you project.

when you can project both power and warmth together, you really maximize your personal charisma potential.

charismatic behaviors must originate in your mind. Knowing how to skillfully handle mental discomfort is even more important than knowing how to handle physical discomfort. Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma. First, it impacts our internal state: quite obviously, it’s hard to be fully present while you’re feeling anxious. Anxiety can also lower our confidence. Anxiety, low presence, and low confidence can show up directly in our body language, as well as reduce our ability to emanate warmth.

 The single most effective technique I’ve found to alleviate the discomfort of uncertainty is the responsibility transfer. Pick an entity—God, Fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs—that you could imagine as benevolent. Imagine lifting the weight of everything you’re concerned about—this meeting, this interaction, this day—off your shoulders and placing it on the shoulders of whichever entity you’ve chosen. They’re in charge now. Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference as you are now no longer responsible for the outcome of any of these things. Everything is taken care of. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.

Golfer Jack Nicklaus said that he never hit a shot, even during practice, without visualizing it first. For decades, professional athletes have considered visualization an essential tool, often spending hours visualizing their victory, telling their mind just what they want their body to achieve.

“There is good evidence that imagining oneself performing an activity activates parts of the brain that are used in actually performing the activity,” Professor Stephen Kosslyn, director of Stanford’s Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences, wrote me. Visualization can even physically alter the brain structure: repeated experiments have shown that simply imagining yourself playing the piano with sufficient repetition leads to a detectable and measurable change in the motor cortex of the brain.

Silvia recently confided that visualization is one of the secrets to her success. Before key meetings, she’ll imagine “the smiles on their faces because they liked me and they are confident about the value I’m bringing them. I’ll imagine as much detail as I can, even seeing the wrinkles around their eyes as they’re smiling.” She visualizes the whole interaction, all the way through to the firm handshakes that close the meeting, sealing the deal.

A twenty-second hug is enough to send oxytocin coursing through your veins, and that you can achieve the same effect just by imagining the hug. So the next time you’re feeling anxious, you might want to imagine being wrapped up in a great big hug from someone you care about.

Self-confidence is our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something.

Self-esteem is how much we approve of or value ourselves. It’s often a comparison-based evaluation (whether measured against other people or against our own internal standards for approval).

Self-compassion is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience.

It’s quite possible for people to have high self-confidence but low self-esteem and very low self-compassion.

Types of charisma:

Focus: Focus charisma requires, of course, the ability to focus and be truly present. Good listening skills are nonnegotiable, as is a certain degree of patience. To develop focus charisma, cultivate your ability to be present.

Visionary charisma makes others feel inspired; it makes us believe. It can be remarkably effective even though it won’t necessarily make people like you. We assess visionary charisma primarily through demeanor, which includes body language and behavior. Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired about.

kindness charisma comes entirely from body language—specifically your face, and even more specifically your eyes. Kindness charisma is primarily based on warmth. It connects with people’s hearts, and makes them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and, most of all, completely accepted.

Authority charisma is primarily based on a perception of power: the belief that this person has the power to affect our world. We evaluate someone’s authority charisma through four indicators: body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others. you’ll need to learn how to “take up space” with your posture, reduce nonverbal reassurances (such as excessive nodding), and avoid fidgeting. You may need to speak less, to speak more slowly, to know how and when to pause your sentences, or how to modulate your intonation. Look expensive. 

Avoid holding a drink in your right hand, especially if it’s a cold drink, as the condensation will make your hand feel cold and clammy. Before shaking someone’s hand, whether you are a man or a woman, rise if you’re seated. And keep your hands out of your pockets: visible hands make you look more open and honest. Make sure to use plenty of eye contact, and smile warmly but briefly: too much smiling could make you appear overeager. Keep your head straight, without tilting it in any way, and face the person.

Ask people open ended questions, focus on questions that will likely elicit positive emotions. With your questions, you have the power to lead the conversation in the direction you want. In fact, even when you’re speaking, the one word that should pop up most often in your conversation is not I but you. Instead of saying “I read a great article on that subject in the New York Times,” try “You might enjoy the recent New York Times article on the subject.” Or simply insert “You know...” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.

Another way to exit a conversation with grace is to offer something of value:

Information: an article, book, or Web site you think might be of use to them A connection: someone they ought to meet whom you know and can introduce them to

Visibility: an organization you belong to, where you could invite them to speak

Recognition: an award you think they should be nominated for

When someone has spoken, see if you can let your facial expression react first, showing that you’re absorbing what they’ve just said and giving their brilliant statement the consideration it deserves. Only then, after about two seconds, do you answer. The sequence goes like this:

They finish their sentence

Your face absorbs

Your face reacts

Then, and only then, you answer

The next time you’re given a compliment, the following steps will help you skillfully handle the moment:

1. Stop.

2. Absorb the compliment.

3. Let that second of absorption show on your face. Show the person that they’ve had an impact.

4. Thank them. Saying “Thank you very much” is enough, but you can take it a step further by thanking them for their thoughtfulness or telling them that they’ve made your day.

It’s not just metaphors that can paint the wrong picture. Some common phrases can have the same effect. When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”

You can deliver value to others in multiple ways:

Entertainment: Make your e-mail or meeting enjoyable.

Information: Give interesting or informative content that they can use. 

Good feelings: Find ways to make them feel important or good about themselves. 

The longer you speak, the higher the price you’re making them pay, so the higher the value ought to be. 

If your goal is to communicate power, set the pitch, tone, volume, and tempo of your voice in the following ways:

Pitch and tone: The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have.

Volume: One of the first things an actor learns to do on stage is to project his voice, which means gaining the ability to modulate its volume and aim it in such a targeted way that specific portions of the audience can hear it, even from afar. One classic exercise to hone your projection skills is to imagine that your words are arrows. As you speak, aim them at different groups of listeners.

Tempo: A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence.

To emanate vocal warmth, you need to do only one thing: smile, or even just imagine smiling.

Charismatic people are known to be more “contagious”; they have a strong ability to transmit their emotions to others.

The most effective and credible compliments are those that are both personal and specific. For instance, instead of “Great job,” you could say, “You did a great job,” or, better yet, “The way you kept your calm when that client became obnoxious was impressive.”

Here’s one specific—and surprisingly effective—recommendation for phone charisma, courtesy of author Leil Lowndes: Do not answer the phone in a warm or friendly manner. Instead, answer crisply and professionally. Then, only after you hear who is calling, let warmth or even enthusiasm pour forth in your voice. This simple technique is an easy and effective way to make people feel special. I recommend it to all my business clients whose companies have a strong customer service component. The gains in customer satisfaction are impressive.

Charisma takes practice. Steve Jobs, who appeared so masterful on stage, was known to rehearse important presentations relentlessly.

Retain at least a certain measure of equanimity. Most charismatic leaders are known for their ability to remain (or appear) calm even in the midst of turbulent circumstances.