None Of This Would’ve Been An Issue If I Just Killed Myself At 16

at this point, sinking back into my depression is like a warm hug. finding comfort in this is sadness is so natural. i know i was meant to feel this.

i just wanna fucking slice my wrists till i bleed to death

Cvts myself

Decided im done and bored

Why's this hurt im annoyed now

I didn’t plan to be here so I don’t know how to be here

They look my life and let me live

Tw sui talk and attempt

Me having to support my boyfriend after I tried to kms and apologising.

Am I selfish for wanting to scream that mabye it was harder for me??

Am I selfish for wanting the tiniest bit of support??

Like im sorry I tried to kill myself but obviously im going through some shit.

He then proceeded to dump on me how he was sucicudial and acted like he got it

I'd been suicidal for as long as I can remember

Im sorry me killing myself fucked with him I really am

But I feel like he didn't even bother to consider that mabge it fuxked with me

Mabye I get flashbacks and panic attacks because of it

Tw sh talk

I need to slit my wrists

I need to watch the blood run down my arm

I need to watch my skin forced apart

I need to feel the stinging as I slice my flesh open

The release as pain is the only thing I feel

I need to watch the scars form

I need to feel the sting when I shower

The pain as it rubbs against my clothes

For this is my punishment isn't it

You ask why I didn't reply to your text

I wanted too

But the weight of a conversation felt impossible to carry

You ask why I dont text back

I tried too

But I was scared id say the wrong thing

You ask why I never tell you things

I want to

But im scared you'll hate me for everything I do

You ask why I dont talk

I tried too

The words couldnt seem to come out

You ask why I dont wanna be your friend

I want to

But I couldnt handle you leaving

So I left first

My existence feels wrong. Like I wasn't even supposed to be here to begin with.

So I've been on and off adhd meds for a bit

And I've noticed sonthing

On them its quiet. Quiet in the way where I want to sink into it. I lay in my bed and just dissociate. Quiet in the way my thoughts try to fill the silence. At least i can focus better. When the silence isn't filling me with anxiety and thoughts of my own death.

But off them

It's loud. I can be happy and energetic. And quiet and disengaged. There's so many things running through my head constantly. I have more motivation. Can I focus? No. But that way I cant focus on my own demise either.

Idk what to do. In school, being on them is worth it cuz I cant pass my classes without them. But otherwise its just

Let me sleep lol

If anyone has any advice for finding adhd meds that work and dont wanna make me kms and give me crippling anxiety-- please lmk