NIRASHIYA HEADCANONS !! (post-borderlands)

sorry i have a bone to pick with people who say that chishiya manipulated his way into winning against kuzuryu.

look at the difference. LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT CHANGED HIM. LOOK JUST FUCKING LOOK PLEASE IM GONN

HI GAY BOY!!!

im gonna touch you next tuesday.

teaser

“Such human desires this silver color embodies. Symbol of death.”

toru nishikawa (½) ✦ the gun (2018)

fic delay... again..

allow me a moment to offer my deepest apologies to you all, the fic will be delayed yet AGAIN. funny story, i have an event called solo ensemble coming up this friday where you perform pieces with 2-3 other people. pretty simple right?? the problem is, i just got given the music today. would be easy if the instrument im playing for it wasn't one i've literally NEVER played before. it'll hopefully be easy for me and give me more time to work on the fic as it IS a kind of drum and i specialize in those kinds of instruments (i've become more mallet-oriented but whatever we dont talk about that)

please pray for my sudden ability to play tenor drums and for my back as the drums literally weigh more than half my body weight and i have to carry them up stairs

alice in borderland s3 comes out on a day i have practice r u fucking kidding me. THE SHOW I DIDNT KMS FOR IS COMING OUT ON A DAY I HAVE FUCKING PRACTICE. IM SHOOTING SOMEONE R U FUCKING FR

i like my men pathetic with long messy hair

sorry ive been gone for so long lol

ove been gone a while and it will probably be an even longer while. it turns out liking people when u have axnious attachment is REALLY bad and now i spend most of my evenings practicing piano or etching his name into a red candle and praying over it like my life depends on it i also recently discovered good weed as after my terrible experience of snooping through the freezer for my dads homemade shit during an anxiety attack scarred me. that strawberry shem hit MAD dawg omg i was metling away lolololololol maybe ill write smthn abt it. everything always turns into smthn i write bc i refuse to get hurt for nothing. all damage is good in my hands bc sometimes the assault is good and sometimes the insane urge to high is good and sometimes the abuse is good and sometimes the irrestable eye gleam that boy gives me at our concert as if he didnt js blck me is good bc i can turn it into art. and speaking of art center marimba got butt dumped on me so now im losing even more freedom from pressure in my arts and i wont even have my big brother there to help me throhg it bc hes gradiating. and big sister cam is graduating and jammy is go bue bye aghhhhhhh its all so sad yk sometimes i like purposelu let myself get hurt or i pirposelu hurt myself emotionally so i can write better. my best work comes when im sad bc i can onlu write sad things well bc how the fuck am i suppsied to write abt sunshine and rainbows and loving relationships when my ever so shitty eyesight is blacking out so everything looks dark and the only rainbows i see are when im saying i hate fags as i write poetry abt my unreauited love for this boy abd theres no loving relationshios cb the last relationship i got FUCKED but its ok bc the dmaga eis good gys i am making art from ut u already saw the shit i did back in february i write ffrom experience so my work is accurate. terribke things arent visualized in my work they are experuenced and thrown onto the page like it will be my last. ad then ppl tell mei should get hep and i should go ti the pyschward like hahaha so funny even if i wanted to i couldnt bc my parents dgaf im literally js a kid. im co28 i should be worring abt like my grades (whch i do) and like playinf valorant or whatever teen boys do. but nof this is mu life but eah my bad for being gone gangalang see yall idk when i js wanted to update my life everythign is great

chishiya, arisu, and niragi - their effects on me as someone who experienced severe depression

chishiya’s little confession to arisu always fucking gets me. call me selfish little shit all you want but i relate to him, niragi, and arisu so much. that realization and my connection to these three led to the alteration of my brain chemistry that literally ended up saving me from committing suicide.

because he was actually so fucking real i don’t care what you guys say. i lived so much of my life depressed wondering what the fuck was wrong with me (being autistic and having emotionally abusive & neglectful parents did NOT help with this), and hearing him talk about being small-minded and jealous and being always afraid just hit home. i was so jealous of everyone around me who just hit every little thing in life like it was a home run because when you become depressed at 8 and it doesn’t go away for a LONG time you start to be so fucking pissed about people who celebrate their every move. i pitied it but in reality i was just jealous because they all had that little life in them, that HUMANITY that i never experienced.

niragis whole character hit home like crazy for me. because of my inability to fit in with others i was bullied a lot by my classmates and picked on for what felt like no reason at all. i was, of course, jealous (which i refused to admit) and it drove me insane. i started to become the person i never wanted to be because the hatred drove me so fucking crazy i started to think i either had something seriously wrong with me or they made something seriously wrong with me and either way i was going to revel in it because there would be no fixing for someone like me. niragi hit extremely hard for me during this time, call me psychopath or whatever the fuck but i seriously related so much. he was just like me and it was comforting because even though he was so terrible it made me feel less alone.

finally, ep 8 of s2 when it was flashing back to his father asking him what his purpose in life was with that DEPRESSING ASS SONG in the background while he sobbed saying he doesn’t deserve to live broke me. that was the last fucking straw. all my selfishness and jealousy and anger and HATRED for everyone else just crumbled down on me and i didn’t want to live anymore because i felt like a selfish waste of space. it hurt and it hurt BAD. it was like somebody just took a knife, stabbed me straight in the heart a twisted a full 360.

these were very relatable characters for me, and i know i seem like an asshole for it, i don’t care. thats what real mental illness and effects of neglect / bullying / discouragement / everything looks like. they genuinely make me sob every time i see them because they’re actually me i see them and suddenly im that same scared little boy again. to this day those fireworks are STILL my favorite thing in the world and they mean everything to me. that was the scene that convinced me not to do it.

lowkey wanna try mini writing prompt related asks. (nirashia or aib related ofc) drop some ideas please i might not end up actually doing them i just wanna test the waters :3