To The Poor (or Otherwise Financially Unwell) Person Reading This, Please Don't Beat Yourself Up About

@ everyone who went through a period of having no friends, who ate alone, who had a point in their life where they were too embarrassed to tell their parents they had no one to play with after school: I love you. I know it hurts and I know it’s hard but it’s not your fault. Things will grow and change. You will find people who you click with and they will love you too. You deserve positive friendship relationships just like anyone else. And if you’re still going through this phase, you’re strong, and things will change for you too. You are not alone, there are people experiencing the same thing you are, find them, you deserve positivity and companionship. Keep your head up.

04,08,2024

counting helps

Me, right after I get a new diagnosis: HA, I knew it! All those crappy doctors who told me I was faking it were WRONG! This is great news!

Me, several hours later when the news actually hits me: *sobs alone in my room*

Art By IG: @kerbyrosanes

Web tasarım istanbul Instagram: @artwoonz

Confessions of a burnt out disabled human:

I’ve been disabled since one random day when I was two years old. That’s when the fates decided, El would have paralysis and brain issues.

I didn’t know I was different until I was 5 years old and figured out that I looked different compared to everyone else. I had two friends throughout elementary school who didn’t give a shit that I was different. But everyone else cared. From fellow classmates that bullied me, to teachers that compared me to my older brother… and not in a good way.

I got my IEP revoked because my kindergarten grades were good, only to get it reinstated in second grade because the admins started to realize their vital mistake when my math grade started slipping.

In middle school, my math teacher convinced my tutor I was faking my math processing issues. The tutor stopped meeting with me, even after my parents’ protest. I got a C in math at the end of that year, when I was getting high Bs and low As while I was meeting with my tutor. My middle school admins gave me the wrong English standardized test and they decided to rectify it on the math standardized test day. They made up for it with a measly Starbucks Frappuccino.

I was purposefully put in a dance class meant for 8-11 year olds when I was a sophomore. I was the oldest one there. I came home crying every night, but I was too loyal to quit. A year later I auditioned for my city’s little production of the Cinderella ballet. At the time, I had 10 years of experience. They gave me, a 16 year old, a role with 35-50 year olds. I signed up to audition for my church’s youth band when I was a junior in high school. The band managers swore up and down to me that they’d reach out to me to set up an audition. They never did (hindsight, I’m glad they never did. But my point still stands). No one takes me seriously.

I graduated from high school with a 4.29 gpa (dual credit). My high school didn’t acknowledge this as legitimate and wouldn’t consider me an honor grad because my unweighted GPA was 3.29. I needed a 3.3 unweighted. My high school purposefully kept my ACT scores in a vault for two weeks before sending them off, getting me and my family in hot water with ACT because they thought we were cheating. I got a 14 on the math… so… hah, no cheating. I got into college on a technicality because of COVID restrictions. I feel like a fraud. I constantly have to tell myself I deserve to be there. I constantly panic when professors ask me, “Kayla, what do you want to do with your life? When are you graduating?” Finding work as a disabled person is incredibly difficult. Do they really think I know? I’m just hoping I’ll figure out how to get by.

I started trying to date in the summer of 2021. And do you know what I have to show for it? Abandonment trauma and a fuckton of content for depressing disabled gay poetry. I’m losing hope. I shouldn’t have to disclose my disability. I shouldn’t have to worry what people might think. I want that picture perfect happy ending. I deserve it as much as my able bodied counterparts. I don’t want to be a bitter spinster. But, yet, so many people see being disabled as an immediate no. So hell only knows if love is in the cards for me.

It’s hard having disability pride. Its hard to be proud of what makes you stand out in ways you didn’t choose. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted.

The last day of Pompeii by Karl Bryullov

unfortunately if you are an old friend of mine i will always care about you no matter what even if we haven't seen each other in forever because i still remember what you were like 7 years ago and i still remember how it felt to be young with you and i still have a lot of love for you in the back of my mind