190325

170525 (yes these are my old pics)

Passion project...

I think I outdid myself yesterday lol, but it was worth it, I just missed the sanctuary of my bed toooo much after those 2 hrs I spent eating, musing, and drawing in public. Today I tried to search 4 unis, the one I was eyeing needed A level results, and wellll..... I cant provide them, and they don't offer bridging courses to their diplomas, infact all their diplomas need A level certs lol. Idk if I can call another uni to ask some stuff tomorrow but I'll try (oops I procrastinated abit too hard-don't learn that from me)

I have been thinking of my passion project lately, and I want to make it real instead of a silly little idea in the back of my mind that I use to distract myself when pressure becomes overwhelming. I even have a pre-project idea for it. If I had half the enthusiastic audience (my angels x) I have here but on TikTok, I think I would've started already and have much support and encouragement to bridge to the actual big project :')

So yeah, I've been brainstorming and pouring my soul into it for years; it keeps beating harder as my skin thickens and my heart feels more alive.

Maybe one day I'll share my plans with you guys, and if Tumblr isn't only about the teens in this mess of life together, then maybe it will become something big and real.

130525

Need to be my mc since yesterday, she's gorge I wanted her more than matthias 😻😼

Yes I play interactive games like THTH, episodes and choices or wtv AND LADS<3. What else was i gonna say bout it.... Speaking of, I should get episodes again, I'm done with too hot to handle already 😝.

It’s All About Perspective:

Sometimes, all it takes is a quarter turn.

That dried paint blob: smeared, ugly, accidental — can become a dancing figure with big shoes, a biker, an abstract expression, if you just tilt it. And what if your life is the same? What if you’re not broken, lazy, or lost, but simply looking at your own story from the wrong side?

We’ve all been there. Hair greasy, phone hot from hours of scrolling, a million open tabs and zero opened dreams. You’re rotting in bed, flicking from one TikTok to another, laughing, then crying, then dissociating, watching other people live out the things you swore you’d do. It’s addicting. Comfortable. Even aesthetic. "Girl rot" became a moodboard, for Christ's sake but no one tells you that staying there too long leaves you hollow.

But here’s the truth, my dear angels: you’re not the paint blob. You’re the hand turning the page. You decide the angle.

So how do you shift perspective when everything feels heavy? When life is a loop of doomscrolls, late-night existential spirals, and the occasional burst of fake motivation?

You start slow. You start small. You turn the page.

Maybe I'll post something about this topic tomorrow :)

Trolling sm rn

what was it all for? 110225

I had a conversation with my aunt today. University came up. And for the first time in years, she said, “You should do what you love. I don’t want you to do something just because other people tell you to. It’s your life.”

And I just sat there. Because what the fuck?

Where was this energy when you told me art is just a hobby? When you told me I had to do architecture because money? When I spent years convincing myself that the thing I loved most in this world wasn’t real enough, wasn’t valuable enough to be my future?

Where was this when I forced myself through physics and math, subjects that drained me, killed my confidence, made me feel stupid and small? Where was this when I spent night after night feeling like a failure because I couldn’t mold myself into what you wanted?

And now, after all that, you’re suddenly saying, “Yeah, do what you love.” Like I didn’t just lose years of my life trying to be something I’m not. Like I didn’t break myself over and over again trying to meet your expectations.

And the worst part? I don’t even think she realizes how much this is fucking me up. How much I hate that she can just say that now, like it’s easy, like it doesn’t matter that I wasted years of my life because I thought I had no choice.

It’s like someone keeping you in a cage your whole life, telling you there’s no way out, telling you it’s for your own good. And then one day, they just open the door and go, “Oh, you can leave if you want.” And you’re standing there, shaking, realizing you could’ve walked out a long time ago.

And now I’m supposed to feel grateful? Relieved?

I don’t. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel like I want to cry and scream and tear my own skin off because what was it all for?

I could’ve taken art in Year 12. I could’ve gotten A*s. I could’ve been confident in my skills instead of scrambling to prove to myself that I’m not a fucking idiot. I could’ve spent those years thriving instead of suffering.

But no. I had to do physics. I had to do math. I had to sit in classrooms where nothing made sense and watch my grades drop and feel like I was slowly disappearing.

And now you tell me it’s okay, I can do art? NOW?

And what if I do? What if I actually go ahead with it? Is she secretly going to sit there thinking, damn, she should’ve done architecture? Will she be supportive on the surface but secretly waiting for me to fail? To regret it?

Because that’s the thing with African guardians. You never really know what they’re thinking. They’ll say one thing but mean something else. They’ll act like they support you, but in their head, they’re already preparing for the “I told you so.”

And maybe that’s what scares me the most. That no matter what I do, I’ll always feel like I’m on the verge of disappointing them.

I hate this. I hate that I even have to feel this way. I hate that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is the thing that feels like the biggest risk. I hate that I’m still here, questioning myself, wondering if I’m making a mistake just because they made me believe it was one for so long.

And I can’t help but think… if I had been allowed to just be myself from the start, if I had been supported instead of redirected, maybe none of this would even be a question.

apologise for the vent, for souring your scroll, but I feel like I'm at my limit, this has tangled up my brain, and as scary as it sounds I feel hopeless, pointless, I don't fucking know, I don't want to think any more. Fuck.

180525

Today, not much happened. I babysat the whole day, helped with 2 posters for an assignment, baked thumbprint jam cookies 😻, and had my hair done in cornrows. Overall, it was a decent day, to be honest. Now I'm tucked in my blanket, all giddy and filled with warmth. I ate the last batch at the top that got scorched, don't worry 😭.

100525

Today was an eventful day :D! I played dress up to 2014 diet Pepsi party songs, went out, and stumbled across a free flower arrangement class, and I got to take my own bouquet home!!!! >.<!

Today was really good, life has meaning outside of bedrotting and doomscrolling, go out and find something to do, you'll find joy, relaxation and dopamine from activities you'd usually never bat an eye at!

Since I'm having a good day, here's a cool-ish and fun face reveal (might delete later)

Bonus 🩵

020425

😭

Cat kitty cat cqt kitty cat cat

Doing the whole alphabet, but it's just words I love:

Angelic

Bashful

Cherish

Dreamy

Effluent

Frivolous

Gentle

Heavenly

Illicit

Jammies

Knowingly

Lily

Mumbling

Nimble

Occasionally

Peony

Queerish

Rumple

Sweetness

Trivial

Unfortunately

Vivacious

Wistfully

Xenomania

Yearning

Zeal