What Was It All For? 110225

what was it all for? 110225

I had a conversation with my aunt today. University came up. And for the first time in years, she said, “You should do what you love. I don’t want you to do something just because other people tell you to. It’s your life.”

And I just sat there. Because what the fuck?

Where was this energy when you told me art is just a hobby? When you told me I had to do architecture because money? When I spent years convincing myself that the thing I loved most in this world wasn’t real enough, wasn’t valuable enough to be my future?

Where was this when I forced myself through physics and math, subjects that drained me, killed my confidence, made me feel stupid and small? Where was this when I spent night after night feeling like a failure because I couldn’t mold myself into what you wanted?

And now, after all that, you’re suddenly saying, “Yeah, do what you love.” Like I didn’t just lose years of my life trying to be something I’m not. Like I didn’t break myself over and over again trying to meet your expectations.

And the worst part? I don’t even think she realizes how much this is fucking me up. How much I hate that she can just say that now, like it’s easy, like it doesn’t matter that I wasted years of my life because I thought I had no choice.

It’s like someone keeping you in a cage your whole life, telling you there’s no way out, telling you it’s for your own good. And then one day, they just open the door and go, “Oh, you can leave if you want.” And you’re standing there, shaking, realizing you could’ve walked out a long time ago.

And now I’m supposed to feel grateful? Relieved?

I don’t. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel like I want to cry and scream and tear my own skin off because what was it all for?

I could’ve taken art in Year 12. I could’ve gotten A*s. I could’ve been confident in my skills instead of scrambling to prove to myself that I’m not a fucking idiot. I could’ve spent those years thriving instead of suffering.

But no. I had to do physics. I had to do math. I had to sit in classrooms where nothing made sense and watch my grades drop and feel like I was slowly disappearing.

And now you tell me it’s okay, I can do art? NOW?

And what if I do? What if I actually go ahead with it? Is she secretly going to sit there thinking, damn, she should’ve done architecture? Will she be supportive on the surface but secretly waiting for me to fail? To regret it?

Because that’s the thing with African guardians. You never really know what they’re thinking. They’ll say one thing but mean something else. They’ll act like they support you, but in their head, they’re already preparing for the “I told you so.”

And maybe that’s what scares me the most. That no matter what I do, I’ll always feel like I’m on the verge of disappointing them.

I hate this. I hate that I even have to feel this way. I hate that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is the thing that feels like the biggest risk. I hate that I’m still here, questioning myself, wondering if I’m making a mistake just because they made me believe it was one for so long.

And I can’t help but think… if I had been allowed to just be myself from the start, if I had been supported instead of redirected, maybe none of this would even be a question.

apologise for the vent, for souring your scroll, but I feel like I'm at my limit, this has tangled up my brain, and as scary as it sounds I feel hopeless, pointless, I don't fucking know, I don't want to think any more. Fuck.

More Posts from Angelaness and Others

3 months ago

170225

I missed 3days so I'll post the loser playlist tomorrow 😔

I'm eating dates rn tho, yum.

9/10 day, tomorrow I'm gonna try and draw something

I did these today will delete later (graphic design is my passion 😼):

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170225

I have a 3rd even better pic but it's kinda suggestive, features me, and isn't the vibe of my blog :p


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3 months ago

100325

Woke up at 1pm today 😃

I'm being left on delivered rn after giving my best art advice...

Tomorrow I have to write something or finish my drawing.

But boring day tbh. ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT, FINE SHYT FOLLOWED ME BACK AHHHSKJDJDJKKDNDKEKJD

Forgot to add that I got this book yesterday, was debating btwn this and Persuasion, but sense and sensibility was cheaper and it seems like it would be a promising read that won't bore me too much...

100325

5/10 day, mid.


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2 weeks ago

230525

Today was very productive actually, I'm 80% complete with the project. Anddddddd I'm going back to writing too :D.

I ate the pancakes I made at midnight for breakfast, they were yum as usual :p.

Stuff I consider productive that I did today:

I cleaned my email inbox.

Unsubscribed from random sites I forgot about.

I took 3 coding lesson practices, which lasted a good chunk of my day.

Deleted books and videos that I had saved and I enjoyed but I would actually cry if anyone came across them. This is an attempt to quit that stuff.

Curated podcasts to listen to (I forgot that podcasts on Apple were free).

I downloaded classic books to replace the old ones.

Read and learned about art history instead of doomscrolling or watching the videos I want to keep away from.

Put 1.5hrs to study italian 😝


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1 month ago

040525

Brah, nothing much today as usual, I think I can even predict tomorrow accurate I'm not even joking. I'll wake up groggy, do my skin routine, either decide to fast longer, just take tea or coffee, or make a proper breakkie for myself, which is usually oats or like eggs and wtv.

I'm prepping to do a evening stretch or perhaps workout before bed actually.

Im getting nowhere with this drawing lol. Maybe I should test out my new pencils!

040525

The answer to the previous poll was actually the Follicular Phase. The oat cookies really threw most of you off and made you choose the Luteal Phase, but I mentioned more Follicular activities than Luteal. That's my bad. OK, I'm done; my will to do the exercise is stronger than ever!


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1 month ago
As This New Week Rolls In And It's The Last Week Of April , Remember It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling
As This New Week Rolls In And It's The Last Week Of April , Remember It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling
As This New Week Rolls In And It's The Last Week Of April , Remember It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling

As this new week rolls in and it's the last week of April , remember it’s okay if you’re not feeling 100% ready. Most people aren’t. You don’t have to wake up every day with perfect energy or a perfect plan. Some mornings you’ll move fast, some mornings you’ll drag yourself through , both count. What matters is that you try. This week will have its messy moments late nights, forgotten tasks, small mistakes that make you question yourself. It's normal. It happens to everyone who’s aiming for something at the end of the week of even the day . So don’t be too hard on yourself when things don’t go exactly the way you pictured. Focus on doing what you can, when you can. Focus on staying honest with yourself not pretending you’re fine when you’re not, but also not giving up just because it gets uncomfortable. Progress feels boring sometimes ikr . Growth feels invisible sometimes. But if you keep moving, even in the smallest ways, you are winning. Trust that the work you’re doing, even the hard parts, is building something you’ll be proud of later.

As This New Week Rolls In And It's The Last Week Of April , Remember It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling
As This New Week Rolls In And It's The Last Week Of April , Remember It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling
As This New Week Rolls In And It's The Last Week Of April , Remember It’s Okay If You’re Not Feeling

@bloomzone

2 months ago
120325

120325

Ate nothing till dinner, so pretty good fast actually, but I stayed in my room the entire day too which was beyond mundane, its insane out here. Was on the call with my BFF and power cut but its back now so I'll go text her sorry or something. Im in SZN 5 of Lucifer and I keep getting edits of the show and I don't recognise some scenes so I freak out and just favourite all the edits I came across, so that once I'm done with the show I can enjoy the edits.

Overall the most boring day on earth, 2/10.


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3 months ago

260225

260225
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260225

Wake up - stretch - sink routine - breakie - sketch - bedrot from cramps - skip lunch - binge Lucifer - have broccoli+sweet potato for snack - listen to Nissan Altima by Doechii and Flu by IVE on repeat - drink 3 cups of green tea while watching more Lucifer - dinner - shower - stretch - wind down by listening to IVE empathy album - gonna play LADS rn :)

260225
260225
260225

9/10 day

All pics are mine, so consider this a collage of my day

Who am I kidding, I also enjoyed


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3 months ago

your blog is so pretty and interesting! I'm thinking about keeping a digital diary like you

So You Want to Start a Digital Diary? 📖✨

250225

First off

THANK YOU xx for the sweet words about my blog! I’m just out here oversharing my chaos, but if it inspires you to document your own adventures? Hell yeah. If you don’t know where to start, here’s a massive list of ideas to help you dive in. You can always add a twist to yours!

DAILY LIFE & REFLECTIONS

One-Line-a-Day – Summarize your day in a single sentence.

Small things – That perfect cup of coffee, catching the bus on time, wearing an outfit that slayed.

Mood & Weather Logs – Track how the sky and your emotions shift over time.

Apparently there is an app called sunset and it uses your location to help you know exactly when the sun is setting on your end and reminds you to take a pic- it's like bereal for sunsets

Overheard Quotes – Funny, weird, or oddly profound things strangers say.

CREATIVE CORNER

Playlist Diaries – Make a monthly playlist and write why each song matters.

Doodle/Art Dumps – Draw your emotions, even if it’s just stick figures.

Poetry Prompts – Write a haiku about your socks. Or if you're a hard whiskey/gin girly then try capitalism as a topic

Idk much about alcohol so idek what I'm saying

Fandom Rants – Scream about your latest hyperfixation.

My currents: Tom Ellis (as Luci ofc), Mads Mikkelsen and Caleb (yes this is about LADS) and Me ( that's irrelevant, but I love me)

PERSONAL GROWTH & SELF-DISCOVERY

Letters to Future You – “Hey, 40-year-old me, did we ever figure out taxes?”

I do something similar but physical, I go and buy a really good looking card with renaissance art on the front and write about my month on there and keep it for my future self, I was planning on doing weekly letters to have 52 at the end but... Yknow.... Procrastination.

Gratitude Jar – List 3 tiny things you’re thankful for daily.

From me today: my hot water bottle, sunbathing, my pile of clothes in the corner of my room (coz many don't have the privilege I overlook)

Fear Log – Write down a fear andburn it (digitally, don't set your laptop on fire plz), then reflect on how it changes over time.

Bad Advice Column – Answer your own problems horribly. “Stressed? Eat the syllabus.”

WORLD OBSERVATIONS

Photo Challenges – Capture “something blue,” “something broken,” “something beautiful.”

Hot Takes & Reviews – “Ranking every subway station mural” or “Why do we say ‘bless you’ to sneezes?”

Book/Movie Rants – Write reviews like you’re texting a friend. “This plot twist? Jail.”

You already know how I feel about Lucifer (Netflix), I'm feral for him #lucifan✊😌

UNEXPECTED TWISTS & RANDOM STUFF

Dream Journal – That one where you married a sentient waffle? Yeah, write that down.

Thrift Store Finds – The uglier, the better. Invent their backstories.

Food Diaries – Review gas station snacks. Debate pineapple on pizza.

I need to see someone do this plz

Soundtrack of Your Life – What song plays when you’re sprinting to catch the bus?

Mine have always been :

TIPS:

Embrace the cringe!!! your diary, your rules.

Why are you expecting tips from me — you already I don't care and I've been oversharing, and that's how I want it to be.

Now go forth and overshare! (And if you start one, tag me—I’d love to cheer you on! 🥳)


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3 months ago

Free will

Free Will
Free Will
Free Will

Write a letter to your future self and seal it for next year

Break one routine just to see what happens

Say yes to something you’d usually decline, just for the plot

Make one decision purely on intuition, no logic involved

Practice doing things without documenting them: no photos, no notes, just presence

Go somewhere new without checking reviews first

Pick a book blindly, first one you touch, you read

Have a conversation where you only ask questions, no statements

Order something totally random at a café, no overthinking

Try fully disagreeing with someone in a debate just to explore another side

Walk a different route than usual and pay attention to new details

Give yourself one day to act like a completely different version of yourself

Spend a whole day making choices like a child; curious, playful, unfiltered

Ask a stranger for a book, movie, or music recommendation and actually try it... ACTUALLY

Give something away without expecting anything in return

Try doing the opposite of your instinct just to see where it leads

Write a personal philosophy: what do you actually believe about life?

Spend a full day in silence, no speaking, just observing

Set a personal rule for the day, no lying, no complaining, no autopilot responses

Go on a walk and let a random object or sign dictate where you turn

Pick a past “what if” and go do it now, no excuses

Invent a personal holiday and celebrate it however you want

Try making an important decision without asking anyone for advice

Spend a full day making choices as if you're already the person you want to become

Do one completely pointless but deeply satisfying thing—just for the joy of it

Let go of one belief or habit that no longer serves you, just to see how it feels

Set a rule for yourself: every time you feel hesitation, do the thing anyway

Pick a random topic and learn about it like you’re preparing to give a TED Talk (I'd choose to talk about my art)

Make one small but bold move that shifts the trajectory of your life, even slightly


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angelaness - Angel ໒꒱‧₊˚
Angel ໒꒱‧₊˚

archive of an angel's first life ¦ #angelaness pioneer

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