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nakajima gyattsushi

Of Love

Summary: Traitor!Mic tries to convince Aizawa to change sides. It goes as badly as everyone knew it would. Very self-indulgent.

Relationships: Erasermic however way you want to see it

—

Hizashi doesn’t regret what he did, but he sure as hell wished he hadn’t had to do it.

Aizawa sat in front of him, caged and shackled, while Hizashi stood before him, a free man.

That is, a free man under perhaps the cruelest ruler of Japan.

“Why didn’t you just listen to me?” Hizashi asked. Aizawa hasn’t spared him a single glance since he entered. No remorse. No horror. No anger. Nothing. Hizashi guessed that was what he deserved considering it was his actions that put Aizawa in that position in the first place.

When the silence dragged on for too long, Hizashi finally spoke again. “I had to do it. You were going to start a war you couldn’t win and you were going to get everyone else killed with you. I couldn’t watch you and the others drag those kids through a war and let them get killed. I had to do something.”

“Hm. So you sold them out to the one person who wants to destroy the world they want to protect?” Aizawa’s voice was still as dead and ruthless as ever.

“At least my way they’ll be able to live in that world.” Hizash answered back without hesitation. “He’s not going to hurt them. That was the deal. They’re going to have a life, Aizawa.”

“And what kind of life would that be, Yamada? He will never let them out of his sight and you know that. If any of them make one wrong move against, they’re dead. And you and I both know those kids will.” Aizawa said, finally glancing up at Hizashi with those dark piercing eyes.

If he imagined hard enough, Hizashi could almost make himself believe that it was just another normal Monday at the office and Aizawa was mad at him for playing his music too loud. That those eyes digging into his soul was because of affection, not this...not hatred. The hardest part of this whole traitor business wasn’t working for a madman. No.

It was being hated by the one person who knew him the most.

“Aizawa, that is why you need to come to this side,” Hizashi urged. “Those kids trust you. Whatever choice you make, they won’t be far behind. If you denounce the whole hero system now, then you live and they’ll follow you and they’ll live. Some other heroes have already done it. It’s better than being dead.”

Aizawa scoffed. “Was that your logic when you chose to betray us all?”

“I did it to save you, Aizawa.”

“And look where that’s gotten me.”

Hizashi doesn’t have time to respond before several men are rushing in. At the helm of all this was the man himself.

“All For One,” Aizawa growled, swiftly focusing all his attention on the evilest lord of all time, aka Hizashi’s new boss. “What have you done with the kids?”

“I’ve kept my word with your friend here. They’re alive and safe, rest assured,” All For One grinned and places a possessive hand on Hizashi’a shoulder. He doesn’t like it there. “I see your friend has still not taken your offer of freedom.”

Hizashi opened his mouth to speak, but Aizawa bested him to it. “No I have not. Next time don’t send a lackey to do your job.” The insult felt like salt on an open wound.

“Well,” All For One turned to Hizashi. “I told you he wouldn’t take the offer, and after everything you sacrificed to give it to him. What a waste.”

Aizawa looked up skeptically between the two of them, finally choosing to address Hizashi. “Yamada what is he talking about? What did you sacrifice?” The way he asked that, Hizashi had almost mistaken for concern, like he had been worried about Hizashi. But no. That couldn’t be. Not after everything.

“He didn’t tell you, Eraserhead? He’s given me his voice quirk in exchange for a chance to get you to change sides.” All For One laughed loudly and Hizashi was nearly sure he was using the stolen quirk for that. “You see, heroes that oppose me don’t get chances like this. They’re executed in front of a crowd, but Yamada has been so helpful that I allowed him this. And even if things didn’t go as planned, I promised him I would allow you the dignity of a non-public death.”

Aizawa’s eyes widened at the revelation. Whether it was because of Hizashi’s quirk being taken or the realization that many of their friends are dead, Hizashi didn’t really know. At the moment, he couldn’t even gather the courage to look directly at his friend anymore.

“I’m sorry, Yamada, but this is the end of the line for Eraserhead. You can say your finally goodbyes if you wish.” All For One encouraged, but doesn’t give them any privacy.

Hizashi racks his brain for any words. What was he supposed to say now? After everything, after years of friendship, after years of love, after committing the worst crime Hizashi has and will likely ever commit against the person he loved most, what can he say?

“I’ll take care of the kids, Aizawa. They won’t be hurt as long as I’m around.” It’s all Hizashi could think to say. It’s likely what Aizawa would want to hear in his last moments; that someone was going to watch out for his kids.

Aizawa doesn’t say a word and Hizashi can’t bring himself to even look at the man anymore. It hurt too much.

All For One pushes him aside, whatever quirk he was readying for the execution quickly coming to life at his finger tips. Hizashi doesn’t want to be here when it happens, but there’s no way he can leave. He won’t leave Aizawa. Not until the very end.

“Any last requests, Eraserhead?” All For One asks, arm raised and ready to fire.

“You,” Aizawa choked out, a sob barely hidden behind the voice. “You.”

What?

Why would he want All For One?

Curiosity gets the better of Hizashi and he finally looks up at his life long partner for what is perhaps the last time. It surprises him when he realizes, Shouta is looking at him.

“You.” He speaks again.

Oh.

Shouta wants...

He wants...

“You, Hizashi. I just want you.” He repeats with fondness and heartbreak and brokenness and a tear-stained face and that almost smile that makes Hizashi feel like he’s coming home. “I love you. I love you, Hizashi.”

The words don’t quite register completely. He knows, he knows Shouta loves him. And that’s all he can think about right now; the years of laughter, of training together, of patrol, of losses, of triumphs, of disasters, of surprise late night radio call-ins, of gifted sleeping bags, of jelly pouches, of cat videos, of...of...

Of love.

Shouta keeps his eyes on Hizashi and time slows. Shouta’s mouth turns into a melancholy smile. It doesn’t fit, not with the Shouta that Hizashi knows. It’s still the same face, still the same eye abs and dead eyes and stubble. But he’s accepted death, accepted that this is the end.

The last thing Shouta wanted him to know, wanted the world to know, was that he loved Hizashi.

And the next thing Hizashi knows, he’s taking that hit for Shouta before he can think better of it.

for the love of god, write all the self-indulgent scenes you want.  be utterly  shameless about including every last fantasy.  i know everyone likes to share quotes and quips about how miserably hard writing is, but please please try thinking of it as a joyful act where you get to be a messy human who makes art rather than some pain filled quest for icy perfection.

Shout out to writers who can’t do plots, who write about feelings and moments in time instead. I love reading those fics, and I love writing those fics. Keep on peering into the depths of characters’ hearts and souls in the little moments. You’re exploring the places where canon often fears to tread. 

while i get and agree with the fact that gay people should probably play gay people and gay stories are best written by gay people, the fervor to prove that “straight people shouldn’t play gay characters!!” is what the interviewer used to forcibly out lee pace so like

idk maybe slow your roll and realize that like… actors can be closeted, content creators can be closeted, and tbh this “you can only write your own experiences, never write someone else’s” rhetoric is also a bigot’s fucking wet dream?? like the perfect excuse to never write diverse characters?? and to say that they have nothing in common with people who don’t look/love/exist the same way as them??

yeah, the author of simon vs the homo sapien’s agenda is a cis straight woman, which means love, simon (though directed by a married gay man with multiple gay characters played by gay/bi actors) is based on a novel written by a straight woman… but this straight woman literally ends her book acknowledging the LGBT teens who helped her write the book and make sure she was writing it appropriately.

this is the content we want

listen… EVERY SINGLE piece of media EVER involves some level of writing about experiences that are not your own, especially if it’s diverse. even bland stories just about white people involves an author writing about genders that are not their own. if you want a story with characters of color, white authors are going to have to write about those perspectives. if you want gay characters in every story, straight authors are gonna have to write about those perspectives. even LGBT narratives might involve gay authors writing about bi characters or cis authors writing about trans characters.

what we HOPE FOR when they do that is that they talk to people… actually belonging to those groups to learn what is and isn’t appropriate and true to life. which is what the author of simon vs the homo sapien’s agenda did.

it’s exactly what she did. she literally worked in a support group for LGBT and GNC kids, saw they did not have cute love stories written for them after they told her this, and then worked with them to give them the love story they craved.

this is a good thing. this is progress for lgbt people. this is the path we need to walk towards getting LGBT content created by LGBT authors.

when you attempt to take the ~moral ground on protesting this film, all you’re doing is telling people who fund these projects that gay products don’t sell. they don’t get the nuance of what you’re going for. and, chances are, you’re looking like a fucking hypocrite, because i can promise you most of the canon gay characters you stan profit a cishet somehow (if they’re even canon).

so, y’unno, as someone who has read simon vs the homo sapien’s agenda AND seen the fucking movie let me tell you!! it’s fine!! it’s diverse beyond having gay character, it’s written respectively, and it hit home on a lot of experiences i WISH i had as a gay teen. it’s corny, it’s silly, and it’s all i ever would have wanted at 13, 14, 15

if you don’t want to see it, just fucking say so! but don’t act like you’re doing it on moral grounds. you can just… not like a movie or not want to see it without it being some moral victory.

If my femininity within the context of my own life threatens you to the point that you feel the need to attack my life choices, maybe you need to reevaluate why you feel so threatened by traditional feminity. Because it’s not like I’m asking you to live the same way I do.

I’m just asking for the same freedom you want, to live in a way that makes me happy.

👏👏👏

Okay, I’m gonna do a separate post since I don’t want to hijack @dad-plo-koon‘s post.

Here’s my theory about why Mandalore is the way it is in TCW. Even better, the canon isn’t saying I’m wrong. 

Cut for length:

Keep reading

Rereading Northanger Abbey has made me realize that this book is extremely underrated. It’s not just poking fun at Gothic novels. It’s doing so much more than that.

It’s Austen’s most realistic book. Because she’s constantly contrasting the melodramatic tropes of novels with the mundane realities of real life, the novel hinges upon the tiniest of details and conflicts. Multiple chapters get their drama from the fact that Catherine wants to go on a walk with Henry and his sister, and it’s a big deal, because we know how much it matters to Catherine. More than any other Austen book, this story gets big drama out of tiny events. 

It’s a coming-of-age story. It’s not that Catherine is learning that the real world isn’t like her novels. It’s that Catherine is learning that the whole world isn’t like her family home. She’s a very sheltered, very trusting person who has had a good, stable life, and it’s easy for her to think that everyone else is good and honest and trustworthy. Her development comes from learning not to trust what people like Isabella and John Thorpe say about themselves, but to see what their behavior says about them.  Her maturity comes from learning who to trust, and when to trust her own judgement over everyone else’s.

It’s a story about stories. Not just about Gothic novels. The stories that people construct when deciding how to view the world or how they want the world to view them. Catherine is surrounded by people who are masking reality with stories. John and Isabella have cast themselves in a story where Catherine and James are the heirs to the rich Allens, and disaster falls when they make General Tilney buy into that same story. Isabella’s constantly saying she’s a good and true friend to Catherine and deeply in love with James, but she always tosses them aside when it suits her. Henry masks his true opinions with wit. John Thorpe is constantly telling stories where he’s the best driver and makes the best investments and has all the best ideas, and will reverse his opinions within seconds when it better suits the story he’s trying to tell. Henry gets angrier than Elinor does when Catherine seems to snub them, because he’s living within a story where everyone is self-serving and untrustworthy. And in the middle of this all, we get Catherine who’s telling no stories; her simple, sensible life has given her a boatload of common sense that helps her to eventually see through all these lies and find the truth.

Kinda personal question but what makes Elisabeth special to you? (Trigger warning) And in your opinion, does it romanticise things like mental illness and suicide? I think that ‘Die Schatten werden länger’ is a pretty apt metaphor for how it feels to have depression and suicidal thoughts (depending on one’s interpretation of what Death is) or to be emotionally abused. I ask about the productions with Furuka Yuta as Rudolf and the recent one with him as Death.

Dear Anon,

‘Elisabeth’ is my ultimate gateway down the rabbit hole of theatre and story-telling. Before ‘Elisabeth’ I was mostly a passive consumer of media, but after, I started to consider mechanisms of story-telling, and saw how different performers can tell different stories using the same script. This taught me how actions (dictated by the script) are just that - actions; and before we can understand a character, we must delve into what the context is of those actions.

Of course, the music is also just phenomenal, and it IS a musical, after all.

TL;DR: But importantly, I love ‘Elisabeth’ because it’s literally written to be a “F*ck you, Hollywood.”

In this post I discussed how ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ managed to save crumbling European cinematic culture. I am very tired of the Hollywood conventions, and ESPECIALLY tired of the glorification of romance. ‘Elisabeth’ subverted both of these stale conventions for me, and I was able to enjoy an alternative to the popular tropes of: “the superhuman lover, the caged bird, lonely at the top” in a new context.

This post will be divided into the following chapters:

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

1.2. Wife- and Motherhood

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

2.2. Depression in children

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

2.4. Deconstructing masculinity

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

3.2. Predatory lover?

4. Conclusion

Trigger Warning: The text below contains mention of depression and suicide.

Romanticising mental illness?

‘Elisabeth’ is admittedly a bit of a problematic fave to me; it does indeed romanticise mental illness. However! Contrary to mainstream conventions, ‘Elisabeth’s does not show that mental illness can be cured because of THE POWER OF LOVE! It unapologetically showcases the destructiveness of mental illness, and how it is a long and painful struggle without promise of success. And that is exactly what a mental illness can be.

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

Elisabeth herself is the clearest example. She was a happy-go-lucky girl who was not destined to become Empress (her sister was), and yet she was chosen as bride by the handsome and young Emperor, Franz I, against his mother’s will. It is the dream many girls are taught to have.

And yet, it was exactly after becoming part of a fairy tale that her life sank into hell. Not just because of Sophie, but also because of her husband. Her husband did not turn out to be ‘a bad guy’ like Hollywood will make you believe is the only reason a relationship will fail. No, Franz was just entirely ignorant towards anything Elisabeth needed. Franz’ failure as lover was not what he ‘did’, but rather, what he ‘did not’. I think it is very important to show how real relationships require compatibility AND hard-work, but that without both, it just won’t work.

1.2. Wife- and motherhood

In conventional media, a woman like Elisabeth’s journey would be to find ‘the love she deserves’, she would still be ‘someone’s romantic interest’, just not Franz’. But in the musical, her arc is preserving and exercising her autonomy, and make the best out of a terrible situation. Women are trapped in patriarchy, and usually there is just no escape. And therefore seeing the strength of a woman who makes the best out of her pain is inspiring, and more relatable.

Usually in media, if the woman is not ‘the wife’, then the way she is strong is her focus on being ‘the mother’. Elisabeth however, was shown to be a terrible mother! She was not callous, she was very loving in fact. But because she had so much going on, she simply did not have extra mental energy to spend on her son. I find it very refreshing that love is simply not enough to make human-relations work, whether it’s romantic or familial relationships. Saying that somebody fails in a relationship ‘because you don’t love x enough’ is shortsighted and backwards.

It is breathtaking for me to see a narrative that solely focused on a woman’s struggles without the romance, and without the shackles of motherhood. No, she was struggling because she could not be a person.

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

I also absolutely love how Elisabeth is not an idol that we are supposed to learn from. It’s not: “women! Look at this woman and [be/don’t be] this woman!!”. No, ‘Elisabeth’ leaves its viewer alone, and does not try to impose onto any ‘how to be a woman’.

We are simply supposed to see her life, and sympathise with her as human. The story never justifies her shortcomings, and never glorifies her as the fairy tale Empress ‘die Junge Kaiserin’ would have you believe.

‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does not treat its audience as people that must be educated; instead it assumes the audience has a mind of its own, and can participate in the story as Elisabeth’s peer.

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

Rudolf’s arc is likewise one wherein his mental illness is not ‘magically cured by romance’. The historic Rudolf was married and he was VERY unhappy in his marriage. However, his unhappy marriage was not the cause of his depression, nor did it really matter that much in making it worse. Rudolf did have a lover (Mary Vetsera), and they loved each other deeply. However, that was not enough to make his mental illness bearable for him.

This forbidden-love part of Rudolf’s life was so insignificant to his depression, that the writers left it out entirely in ‘Elisabeth das Musical’, and his arc was still perfectly round without it.

2.2. Depression in children

‘Elisabeth’ is an excellent example of how depression is not limited to certain groups of people; anyone can be haunted by it. Rudolf is able bodied, white, wealthy, the crown prince of an Empire, intelligent, etc. etc. And yet he had crippling depression, and it is NOT because he was whiny within privilege.

Just like with his mother, Rudolf is also not an idol we’re supposed to imitate. However, we are supposed to learn from seeing him. We first meet Rudolf as a young child, and because he was not given any help, his depression escalated into suicidal depression later on. Many people either don’t believe that children can be depressed, or simply don’t take it seriously. Rudolf however, shows everyone how depression can in fact destroy the lives of children, not unlike adults. Even better; he is a historic character who actually existed. Good luck denying that!

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

As discussed above, Rudolf’s struggle has nothing to do with romance, but crushing expectations. As Furukawa explained in this interview: “When Rudolf finally figured out what he wanted to do, he was faced with his country sinking into crisis. He was stuck in the situation where he did not have the power to say anything, and yet had the status wherein everyone expected him to act for the benefit of the state. If he did not act he would be a neglectful man, unworthy of the title of ‘crown prince’, but if he did act for the benefit of the state, he would be a rebel.”

I think it is very refreshing too that despite all the good qualities Rudolf has (2.2.), he simply could not live up to the crushing expectations. It is very important to see how failure is often not the inability of the person, but that too much was expected of ONE human being to begin with.

2.4. Deconstructing toxic masculinity

Rudolf performs a very refreshing form of masculinity that is a departure from Hollywood’s ‘male hero’ model. His entire character is centered on his vulnerability, but he is NEVER portrayed as the loser. Instead, we see a man admitting his vulnerability and looking his depression in the eyes, and never being ashamed of it. He never blames himself for ‘not being man enough’ to live up to social expectations. Instead of “becoming a proper man!!” Rudolf knows that what he needs is compassion, a person he can talk to (his mother), and a fucking break.

Death is almost always without exception ‘punishment’ in stories. However, with Rudolf there were clearly external factors that have nothing to do with his supposed inaptness. The perpetrator was active in the sense that LITERAL Death manipulating him into committing suicide. Rudolf was a victim instead of someone punished for a “sin of not being man enough”.

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

I am very tired of the good vs evil dichotomous story telling of Hollywood. Another thing I love about this musical is how it is entirely ambiguous who the villain is. It’s easy to point at Der Tod, but is he really the villain?

The script of this ingenious musical is written so freely that depending on the performers/director, the villain is either ambiguous, or non-existent, WITHOUT the story being vague. Depending on the actor of Der Tod, he is either an actual entity who governs over life and death, or the product of one’s imagination.

3.2. Predatory lover?

Der Tod’s existence and his pursuit of Elisabeth’s ‘love’ is the main factor that plays in saying “‘Elisabeth’ romanticises mental illness”. But depending on how the performers of Elisabeth and Der Tod interpret these roles, the story either becomes:

a toxic romance that is self-aware of its toxicity,

or like how Furukawa Yuta and Manaki Reika in 2019 managed, into a heroic tale of preserverence and a battle of wits.

Most importantly, in (most) non-Takarazuka versions, after Elisabeth dies, she is not there anymore to ‘reciprocate’ Der Tod’s feelings. She is just gone. Only in the Takarazuka version (I believe) does she enter the Underworld and actively becomes Der Tod’s lover.

So outside Takarazuka’s version, Der Tod is never rewarded with ‘a lover’; he simply gets his prey as a predator. Whether this ‘predator’ is a lover however, is again up to interpretation. But otherwise, death getting a mortal is just a very natural phenomenon, not victory as Furukawa puts it.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, yes, ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does have many elements that may qualify it as ‘a romanticisation of mental illness’, but ultimately I think it is not just that simple.

We must consider what the message is that the musical sends, and it is NOT: “because Elisabeth/Rudolf are mentally ill, they embark on an epic journey.” If anything, the musical makes very clear that the mental illnesses of Elisabeth and her son are the main culprit that MAKES them miserable, and that Der Tod is the personification thereof, hence his predatory nature. In ‘Elisabeth’, mental illness ‘preys’ on its victims.

The romanticisation mostly (though not solely) comes from the consumers, because we are conditioned to read stories like ‘Elisabeth’ as a romance.

We see a man (???) claiming to love a woman, and he chases her and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He goes through extreme means to impress her, and the story even comes with a ‘love rival’ (Franz).

We see a woman ‘yearning’ for something, and that something can only be given by Der Tod, and finally she does find peace when she is with him.

But, we must pay attention to what Elisabeth says when she is dead. It is not: “I’ve been looking for true love, and now I found it,” or “I wanted freedom, and you’ve been kindly offering it to me, but I was too foolish to accept earlier.” No, the very last thing she sings is:

“I have cried, laughed, been disheartened and I have prayed. There had been days where I tasted defeat in my senseless battle.Regardless, I have entrusted my life to myself alone!”

“Winning Elisabeth’s love” is the term Der Tod set without Elisabeth having any say in it. The term she set for herself is staying true to herself and not giving up; which she NEVER did. As such, THAT ⇈ was Elisabeth claiming victory of always having stayed true to herself, and it has NOTHING to do with Der Tod. She does not need Der Tod, she simply needed freedom.