The Bachelor Episode 3 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When you think of the Bachelor, as I often do, you may think of helicopters, roses, tropical locales, and fabricated romance that ultimately crumbles when harsh reality strikes upon the resulting couple. While you may think of the schmaltz, you probably don’t ever, ever think about late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. And you shouldn’t. For that would be an unholy matrimony of clownery meets clownery and would take your viewing experience right from the sublime to the ridiculous. I regret to inform you that this very thing has happened this week. Grab your alcoholic beverage of choice, because the Jimmy Kimmel takeover of the Bachelor is here.

The show opens with ominous music and a limo pulling up the mansion drive. Jimmy emerges in to awaken Chris in the week hours of the morning.

“What the f***?” is Chris’ immediate response. Over at the main house, Chrarrison has the ladies assembled and tells them to prepare for the new man in their life. And in trots Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy wastes no time in setting a new way of life here in the Bachelor mansion. First rule about the love club, is we do not say the word “amazing” in the love club. He has Chrarrison display a large jar into which each lady must place a dollar if/when she says “amazing” this week. I can’t disagree too much with this rule. Anyone on that show could stand to benefit from a quick flip through a thesaurus.

Jimmy and Chris also leave the first date card of the week.

“You’re gonna have a lot of fun, in fact I think this is going to be amazing,” he mugs as he puts a dollar right into the jar and leaves.

“With Jimmy Kimmel and the Bachelor combining, it’s going to be super awesome,” quips an unnamed blonde I don’t yet know. Ehhh, we’ll see.

“Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await,” Megan reads. Kaitlyn is very excited.

Neither Chris nor Kaitlyn knows exactly where they’re going, but everyone agrees that no matter what the date involves, it will be extravagant.

Cut to the limo pulling up in front of Costco.

I can’t.

Why? Why must this show try its hand at comedy? The Bachelor is the Bachelor and comedy and is comedy and never the twain shall meet unless the Bachelor stumbles into it unwittingly. THIS IS WHY KIMMEL BELONGS BEHIND THAT DESK MAKING CELEBS READ MEAN TWEETS ABOUT THEMSELVES. PUT KIMMEL BACK BEHIND THE DESK.

Kaitlyn is horrified and unimpressed. Get over it, Cananda. Costco is the best. That would probably be a fun place to go on a second date, if there weren’t a camera crew following you with planned hijinks. Also, what a slick way to shill memberships, Costco, AS IF I WEREN’T ALREADY SOLD ON YOUR LOW PRICES AND QUALITY OF PRODUCT.

Jimmy sets them off on a scavenger hunt of sorts to get food for dinner for all three of them tonight and a list of things to retrieve like beef jerky, size 33 jeans, an office chair, and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” What spunky, ribald fun.  For dinner, an old lady recommends a cooked chicken, saying they’re “excellent”. AND SHE’S NOT WRONG. But they go with steaks which is also a good choice because Costco has a great meat selection.

Quick note, I am not endorsed by Costco. I do, however, come from a noble lineage of lovers and embracers of all things Costco. I kid you not one, tiny bit when I tell you that my father bought my sister and I matching copies of “Fabulous Food the Costco Way: The Costco Cookbook” for Christmas this year. Costco f***ing rules.

And because Costco f***ing rules, Chris should not be so surprised that he and Kaitlyn “actually” have fun there. He says he doesn’t know many women who could handle a date like that with “such class”. Really, Chris? It’s just having fun in Costco: the easiest thing in the world to do.

 Chris is proving to me word by word that he is a simple, boring man who has only ever known simple, boring women. With the limo full to the gills with their spoils, the couple heads back to Chris’ place to prepare the meal.

“Who needs helicopters when you have Costco?” Chris asks after all the prep work is done and he and Kaitlyn are just relaxing on the porch with some bourbon. They are so excited by how “normal” the date seemed without all the glitz and glamor of regular Bachelor dates. They share a kiss and laugh over how her laugh is like a man’s laugh and he has a woman’s giggle. That’s actually a fair point. They have good chemistry, so much so that they aren’t really looking forward to Jimmy Kimmel showing up. Me either, kids.

I feel like I should say that I don’t dislike Jimmy Kimmel; I just wish that we weren’t forcing this comedy like so much dried play-doh through the play-doh shape maker. While they grill steaks, he riffs on Kaitlyn liking beef. It’s dad-humor at best.

 “I specialize in making people uncomfortable,” Jimmy tells us about the hard-hitting questions he’s asking. “I think of myself as kind of a lubricant. Here to smooth things through,” he says. Such are the meager jokes one is able to cull from this set up.

“Let’s say…you find out that Chris has gone into the Fantasy Suite with three women and made sweet, sweet, sweet love to each of the women, including yourself, will you be angry at him?” he queries.

Kaitlyn picks steak out of her teeth with her tongue as she considers this. “No, I wouldn’t be,” she replies.

“Really?” an incredulous Jimmy asks.

“You can’t be!” she says, “It’s part of the process. You can’t buy a car without test driving it.” Ah, there’s that crass sense of humor from the first night I so cherish. Truly, what a night for comedy here on the Bachelor.

Chris just sits there giggling the whole time. He’s a bright man.

“Try to have sex with everyone,” Jimmy advises Chris who continues to giggle. If this were an interview on Kimmel, it might be acceptable, but as I am made to sit through several torturous minutes of it under the editing of the Bachelor producers, I am unamused.

The doorbell rings at the mansion as the next date card arrives. The “Amazing” Jar has quite the stack of dollar bills piling up inside. Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha (who?), Nikki, and Carly are all in. “Are you ready to meet the real party animals?”

Back on the date, Jimmy hands the date rose over to Chris and sits in the middle as Chris dedicates the rose to her and thanks her for a wonderful date. Jimmy gets in one dig that actually makes me laugh. After Chris gives a lame rose speech he says, “Oh wow, you really have a way with words…Are there people on the farm? Or just animals to talk to?” Chris is ready to see Jimmy and all his joke-making leave. After he does, he and Kaitlyn share many more fish-lipped kisses and some hot tub time.

Before the next group date begins, we get a lovely couple of minutes of watching Jillian work out in tiny purple shorts. She works out hard, and they once again place a black bar over her behind. This time I have to believe it’s just the producers having a laugh. Jillian really likes working out is what I took away from this segment.

The women arrive the next day with Jimmy and Chris at the Hoe-Down Throw Down. There is a series of five events in a farm-themed relay designed to prove what woman can grin and bear it the hardest at an event designed to make them miserable. Sounds about right.

There is the corn shucking test, the egg fry, the goat milk challenge where you milk a goat then drink said milk, a manure shoveling test, and finally a pig wrestling finale. What they say this is for, is to see if a woman can really get her hands dirty and tough it out on a farm. It’s really about us watching people desperately compete for approval from a man whose personality is that of a bowl of plain Greek yogurt.

Once again, Jillian’s shorts are so short that the black bar is back. She is struggling to get milk her goat, possibly due to her screaming at squawking that she can’t get it to stand still. Maybe screaming at an animal isn’t the best choice, Jillian. But as the milking progresses and the women have to drink it, they are becoming more disheartened. Kelsey is very grossed out by how warm it is. Amber tells the camera that she’s glad she didn’t have to drink it, saying, “The way Kelsey described it, it was salty and warm. Not something I like in my mouth.”

Now, folks, that was supposed to be a suggestive innuendo. The producers JUMPED on that double entendre hard and were thrilled to present it to us. And it’s fine. I, however, posit that Amber has no idea how food works because salty and warm are two of my favorite adjectives when it comes to food I put in my mouth. Your loss, Amber. Salty, warm things in my mouth for life!

In the manure challenge, Carly remains in the lead with Jillian and Kelsey close behind. Carly has strategy in her pig wrestling, and despite Jillian’s flashing hurdle over the pig pen fence, she comes in first prize. As her prize, she and Chris get to dress up and reenact American Gothic. None of the girls know what that is. This is also the second imagining of American Gothic we’ve seen this season.

The second half of the date is what else but a rooftop cocktail party in downtown LA. Carly pulls Chris aside right away to chat. She kisses him to show that even though she’s shy, she’s really into him. She was really fun earlier in the date, and Chris is into her taking control of the situation.

He and Amber slow dance and kiss. He is handing out kisses left and right tonight. He kisses Jillian. He kisses Ashely S.

“There’s a fair amount of kissing going on which is the point of the whole deal! When you’re with a person and the moment feels right, I’m gonna do that,” Chris mansplains.

But Mackenzie is upset that he’s kissing so many girls because she felt special that she was the first girl in the house to get kissed (she wasn’t) and now that he’s kissing all these other women, she doesn’t feel so special (she’s not). Quick reminder: Mackenzie is 21. Damn, Millenials y’all.

“So, I’m gonna be blunt,” she says to Chris like that’s the craziest idea of the century. “So, remember how we kissed? Well why are you kissing everyone else?” she asks like the absolute child she is. What is she even doing on this show???

He takes a moment to compose and explains that he is being truthful with all the women and putting himself out there.  Mackenzie feels embarrassed by her question, as she should. But then she almost proudly tells the other women that she called him out for kissing “like eight other girls” since their one-on-one date. DOES SHE KNOW WHERE SHE IS? DOES SHE KNOW THE FORMAT OF THE SHOW? DOES SHE SEE THE OTHER WOMEN AROUND HER AND UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING THERE?

Britt is still having an issue with him “burning through” kissing all the other women so quickly as well. I don’t doubt that it would be hard to adjust to that, but I just have to reiterate that THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THE SHOW WORKS. ONE MAN DATES MANY WOMEN AND WILL, INEVITABLY, KISS MANY OF THEM.

Becca, who is very tall and beautiful, has some nice one-on-one time with Chris. With the beautiful LA skyline behind them, everything seems perfectly set for them to kiss, but she doesn’t kiss him. Becca says, “I don’t want to do something I wouldn’t do normally…It’s not that I don’t want to though.”

I admire that. She’s going to make him earn the right to kiss her. Good for you, Becca.

It’s time for the date rose, and Chris thanks everyone for their efforts during the relay and at the party. He hands it out to Becca. Yeah, Becca! Way to be special by not giving up that kiss too early! I should also mention that Ashely S. was not only quiet on this date, but the only moment we had with her was very normal. I want to posit right now that Ashley S.’s erratic behavior can be explained one of three ways. 1) She is an alien. 2) She has a drug/severe alcohol problem. 3) She’s doing elaborate performance art for the cameras to fool us all and show that the cameras can make you believe anything with the power of editing.

Whitney gets the second one-on-one of the week and is so relieved she cries. She and Chris arrive at a beautiful winery. They talk about typical Bachelor date marriage/life goals garbage. The two of them are so positive, sugary sweet that it makes perfect sense to me. I mean, I would die being around either one of them for more than two days, but they are right for each other.

From their picnic perch, they spy a wedding being set up down below. Whitney suggests that they crash it. It starts as a joke, but they get serious. Whitney invokes “yolo” which Chris LOVES. The producers confirm that they are actually doing that as the two of them plan out what they’ll say.

“So there’s something about weddings that’s just very romantic,” Whitney says. OH REALLY? THE DEVIL YOU SAY?

They get more and more excited and leave to go change into their evening wear and grab a random gift. I’m confused about how much of this is staged and how much is really spur of the moment. The producers must have had to plan this so carefully. I want to believe it’s real.

We get sneaky spy shots of the two of them wandering around the wedding. They are having a great time. Chris loses his cool immediately by talking to the whole wedding party and being a nervous dumb, dumb. He mentions that the producers are wandering around filming on cell phones. That’s amazing. I actually love this, guys. I think it’s crazy and a rare unscripted moment. Whitney is such a sweetheart and a real star who makes Chris look good. They have so much fun. I loved it. What a great thing.

Then they slow dance to the same song that was the theme to Desiree and Chris’ romance on the Bachelorette.

I wonder what they had planned originally for them at the winery, probably something not quite as fun and spontaneous and memorable. Whitney will go far in this. Chris is really, really taken with her.

“She did something really incredible here, and I don’t even think she knows it. But I know it. It wasn’t about the day; it was her,” he says. He then runs to fetch the rose and gives it to her. He’s a man of few words, but you can tell how much he is really into Whitney. To conclude: I liked that date and them together.

As it is the third week, we will be having the traditional “there’s no cocktail party.IT’S A POOL PARTY INSTEAD!” day.

“I’m lovin’ this. This is the most best day ever,” Megan coos. But other women, like Ashley I. are not so thrilled.

“I was gonna do my Kardashian look tonight, and now…enghglee,” she gurgles as she vigorously applies bronzer.

The pool party begins with, you’ll never guess, Chris does the craziest thing. He takes off his shirt and he does a CANNONBALL!

Then Juelia pulls Chris aside to talk more about her husband who committed suicide. She tells the full story of what happened, and it’s bad enough that America gets to hear all of the harrowing details, so we won’t repeat it here. It’s very sad and scary. Help the people you love get help if you think they need it.

Britt interrupts Chris mid-sentence to kiss. The other women see them making out, and take things to the next level. Jade is upset that the women who already had dates this week are monopolizing his time. So Jade asks for and receives a tour of his house. Meanwhile, Jillian trots down to his place and gets into his hot tub. Jade, inside, is snuggled up with Chris on his bed in some WHITE-ASS HEELS. They get steamy real quick, but her white high heels are some kind of trashy I can’t handle. Her boob is also absolutely fully out of her swimsuit. Like, a full boob of everything minus areola visible to my eye.

But then Chris has to move right into the hot tub with Jillian. Ashley I., Megan, and Mackenzie try to join the hot tub party right away but get shooed off by Jillian. The “alone time” everyone craves is a hot commodity at this pool party, and it’s making them all idiots.

Ashley I. is really upset by how possessive and aggressive Jillian is being. She cries while wearing a little golden headband. Jillian is one of those girls who doesn’t have a personality outside of being athletic and working out, and that, I cannot abide.  Ashley I. can’t abide either and scampers away to dry her tears.

A few minutes later, Chris walks into the house to have his chat with Ashley I. Perched on the rooftop, Ashely I. begins crying again. But she’s so embarrassed, that she laughs and Chris doesn’t know if she’s laughing or crying. He’s really great at handling women who are feeling intense emotions. So they just end up kissing the whole time. She is an aggressive kisser, and I’m genuinely worried they’re going to fall off the roof.

Finally, my sweet Chrarrison arrives in his show suit to get Chris ready for the Rose Ceremony. I missed him so much. Chrarrison, never leave me again! Chrarrison, Jimmy, and Chrarrs have a final huddle before the rose ceremony begins. Jimmy’s final words of wisdom are, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” And what a joke to leave us on. BYE, JIMMY!

As Chris starts his pre-ceremony speech though, he immediately stumbles over his words and accidentally calls Jimmy, Jade. I mean, of course, Chris saw her entire boob earlier today and Jimmy Kimmel just mercilessly made fun of him all week. He’s got Jade on the mind.

The women getting roses tonight:

Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki (who the hell is that?), Jillian, and the final rose goes to Ashley I.

This means we are saying good-bye to Trina, Amber, and Tracey. Ladies, we hardly knew ye. We wish you all the best!

And that concludes this THRILLING week of the Bachelor. I think this week laid a lot of groundwork for the drama that will come this season between not only the ladies, but also with Chris and his Kissing Issue. Next week we’ll be back on Wednesday as usual. Until then, my little journeyers, check out @chasspod on Twitter and don’t forget my Ask is always open

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

Can you believe we’re only three weeks into Juan Pablo’s journey to love? I can’t. I also can’t believe the recent little homophobic comments he made and subsequently blamed on translation problems. I don’t know man, you can say “Holy moly macaroni” but you’ll chalk the other stuff up to confusion? No te creo, JP, no te creo. In any case, backwards mindsets aside, lets dive in, shall we?

After the tough time she had at the rose ceremony the night before, Cassandra gets the first one-on-Juan date, hand delivered to her by Chrarrison in world’s ugliest color-block shirt. She’s so surprised and elated while the rest of us are like “duh”. Do you think Juan Pablo knows she’s twenty-one or is his judgment clouded by his penis’ reaction to her?

Before the date we get to see Juan Pablo doing some extraordinarily mediocre parenting with Camila and his mom and dad in a park. Camila is being a little brat and does not want to eat chicken. Juan Pablo physically wrangles her into eating it. Then he sends her away and Cassandra arrives.

They hop into a brightly colored jeep that looks like one of the Jurassic Park cars only without a top. As they drive along the water in Long Beach, Cassandra tells us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 years-old which checks out because she had a kid at 19 and is now 21. But it’s not like it’s some huge, revelatory moment like if she was 30 and hadn’t been on a date in twelve years. She’s a college junior! That is how old she is! Remember yourself as a college junior?!

“Cassandra just loves the water, so I definitely have to give her what she wants,” Juan tells us. Like, ew, man. Gross, dude. Harshing my jam, bro. Please don’t ever say “I have to give her what she wants” as it pertains to water sport or really ever. As Cassandra wildly speculates on what they’ll be doing (Paddleboarding? Canoeing? Yachting? Shut up?), JP pounds the gas and drives straight into the canal. It’s a duck-boat!

“I thought it was a car, but now I’m just thinking this is like from the movies right now,” explains Cassandra who has no idea of what constitutes a car vs. a boat vs. both. Then a saccharine pop song that sounds like it could be on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack plays over them jetting around on the water, having a blast.

Meanwhile, back at the mansions, Renee is once again having an intimate chat with one of the other women. Elise is telling her about how her mom wrote a letter to submit Elise to the Bachelor but got so sick that she wasn’t able to send it in. She feels like it was destiny that she found the letter to submit herself for the Bachelor, and that her mom made it all happen.

Before realizing that she’s died though, Renee asks if Elise’s mom is ok now. Elise’s response: “No, she passed away babe.” SHE PASSED AWAY, BABE. She passed away, babe. What is wrong with me, or really the people on this show that they keep making me laugh with the way they explain how their parents have died? First Clare with “there was something wrong with his brain and that something was brain cancer” and now “she passed away, babe”????? Who’s next? Who else would like to tell me “My dog loved to run. He loved to run so much he ran into the street and a car RAN him over”??

Back to the date, the duck-boat-car does pull up to a big yacht where Cassandra and JP have a nice time relaxing and swimming and making out in the water a little. She, of course, says she’s going to just “jump in” with Juan Pablo over a clip of them jumping into the water. Classic.

This date has a third act taking place at Juan Pablo’s bachelor pad where they will cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen. Cassandra has now said “this is my first date in three years” or “first date since I was 18” about six times. I’m not exaggerating. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT TO BE A BIG DEAL. UGGGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SHE SAID IT AGAIN!

They finish off the date eating chocolate bon-bons by an outdoor fire. Before he hands the rose out, I feel like he might not give it to her. The whole time everyone, even other girls, have been emphasizing to us that if he doesn’t feel there’s a future, he will send Cassandra home to her kid. But she gets the rose. Here are the things Juan Pablo likes about Cassandra: she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she dances. Cool list, bro.

Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going on a group date that says “Let’s kick it!” They are obviously playing soccer. Elise is really hoping she gets the one-on-one though, especially because she thinks of Chelsie as a child.

The date is of course, soccer themed, and they are playing some fútbol at the LA Galaxy stadium. Some of the girls, like Alli, are super excited to play alongside JuanPa, and some of the girls, like Kelly, are feeling a little unathletic and nonplussed. I’m with you, Kell.

They practice warm ups and training exercises, and I’m like, ugh, no thanks. I graduated high school solely to be done with gym class. After practice, the girls split into the fabled Red and Blue teams to battle each other. They come out looking intense but have written Juan Pablo’s nae all over their bodies. Ladies, you are all better than writing the same guys name on your bodies.

Even with a game going on, they are not doing the “losing team goes home, winner continues on the date” thing which is such a breath of fresh air. The game gets intense and poor Sharleen is getting hit over and over again in the face, stomach, face, arm, face again! Poor Sharleen. Even JP manages to knock her down.

After the game that it looks like most of the girls actually enjoy, they go change for the dinner portion. They stay at the stadium, so everyone is pulling him aside to different parts of the stadium. Nikki has a great chat, but she’s disappointed and worried that they don’t kiss.

Andi and Juan jump into the concession stand to hang out. They mostly kiss and don’t talk as much. Danielle shares that she was adopted, Lucy and he chat, Christy is there doing something I guess but they have not showed her one single time. I forgot she was there.

Then Sharleen and he set up a little blanket on the field in plain view of all the other lionesses. They both say that the time they share feels “organic”, and honestly I have to agree. She isn’t as Miss America as the other women when they talk, and he is so obviously smitten with her.

Then he moves in to kiss her.

Sharleen retracts her neck and extends her tongue into the kiss. Am I painting enough of the awkward picture? Even when she goes in for the second one, she sticks her tongue into his mouth first and then finishes off with her lips and other face parts. What is this? My roommate did an impression of it, and I have to say it looks a lot like my famous iguana impression that I do while eating lettuce. Sharleen kisses like an iguana eating lettuce. It’s gross.

Even after that very intimate and beautiful moment, Nikki gets the date rose because he likes himself a hot blond. Sharleen and Andi  are none too pleased.

Much to Elise’s shagrin, the one-on-Juan date goes to Chelsie. “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants,” she quips. Whatever Elise, relax.

Chelsie is excited for her one-on-Juan date today. Elise is incredibly jealous and thinks Chelsie is like a child and doesn’t deserve to be a single-mom yet. Ok, Elise, put the claws away. The date card said “Do you trust me?” which is a bad sign in terms of signing a safety waiver. But first they just car dance to some fun music and then go to a Venezuelan restaurant. Chelsie is adorable. She reminds me face-wise of a girl I know and I think that’s why I’m in instantly fond of her.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh god oh no. They walk out to the middle of a bridge over a river, and of course Fear Factor Bachelor continues with a tandem bungee jump. Chelsie is freaked out but is doing ok until they get to the platform edge where they need to dive from. And then she has a panic attack. Because it’s TERRIFYING TO JUMP FROM A BRIDGE. Even if you’re a thrill seeker, you can’t denying that jumping from a bridge goes against every instinct that has been bred in us since we first started walking upright. This poor girl. I bet she’s contractually obligated to do it too, just like Andi and that nude photo shoot last week.

Juan Pablo comforts her like he would comfort Camila. He keeps insisting that she looks at him and then he says, “Just do it for me.” And now I’m a screaming rage-ball again. Just like posing nude for an unnamed and rather dubious DOG foundation, I don’t feel like this poor girl needs to bungee jump for a bridge to prove her ability to love and be a good partner. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell is this show? Juan Pablo is insane. I’m almost at my wits end

He does say that whatever she wants to do is ok and if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. I can hear how scared she is, and she sheds a few tears. I appreciate that she is very real in how scared she is to do this. And after saying “just do it for me” Juan Pablo does end up being actually helpful and less coercive.

I guess his calming platitudes work because they do it! They jump! And then they Spiderman kiss hanging upside down! Then both of them use it as a metaphor for love! It IS like jumping off a bridge together!!!!

Oh Chelsie. You are cute as a button and do seem to be quite young, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sticking around for at least a few of the stops on the upcoming international tour. Oh, oh ok there is still the dinner portion of this date to get through in downtown Pasadena. Oh I thought the date was over. Oh ok. Got it.

Chelsie tells us she’s the black sheep of her family for being a teacher in a family of doctors. The only thing Juan Pablo knows how to talk about is being a single dad though? Chelsie keeps trying to make him talk about himself and he’s like SOY PAPÁ. And then she gets the rose for cuteness and bravery.

Second private concert of the season on only the second week of one-on-Juan dates! Who’s this guy? Some country singer? He’s super hot. He’s wearing a henley. It’s Billy Currington. That’s fine. Billy Currington can stay.

The next day, the day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to cook traditional Venezuelan “arepas” for everyone. It’s like a deluxe breakfast burrito. Just then, Kelly walks through the kitchen to walk Molly and runs away as quickly as she can to fix her face and put on a bra. One by one, the ladies come downstairs to join JP in the kitchen and just have a chill ass morning. It’s so chill.

It continues to be, like, super chill when JP eschews the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. It’s fun to see which girls hurry to put on makeup and fix their hair along with putting on their bathing suits. But as the previews have shown us, the chill good time vibes are about to go away as tensions rise and everyone turns a shade of jealous green.

Kat immediately puts on the Big Breasted Blonde show for JP and the other girls do not take so kindly to her.

“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for like 20 minutes,” Kelly deadpans in response to them doing chicken fights in the pool.  Kelly has become the absolute number one source of comedic commentary on this show. Who knew? The “Dog Lover” as a professional is astute with an acerbic sense of humor.

Sharleen is really affected by Kat putting on such a show when the cameras are around. When she talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s having a hard time with it, she ends up crying. I feel like its genuine. But then of course he moves in to comfort her, and of course they end up sucking face.  But lo! The other girls can see! And everyone is getting hot and bothered like a pack of hungry lionesses.

Clare especially is having a hard time. Such a hard time in fact that she behaves as Camila would and runs away from everyone else to lock herself in the bathroom. Everyone is throwing the words “process” and “journey” around like hot cakes. Oh WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE IS IN NEED AND RENEE IS ONCE AGAIN THERE!

She’s such a great person who comforts and helps everyone with a listening ear that I’m beginning to think she’s a therapist the producers brought in as a ringer to help all these women. Outside the bathroom, the other women acknowledge that Clare is a “ticking time bomb” of high strung emotion. They agree with me that Clare is always at a 15 and needs to be at a solid 9 for her own happiness.

Of course the next thing they show is Juan Pablo calming Clare down from her 17.5 temper tantrum of not being able to handle “the process”. JP seems to really like her still, so at this point Clare is Clare’s worst enemy.

Rose ceremony time. Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie all have roses from their previous date. Who’s in at the ceremony: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

Wow. With Danielle whom we’ve heard practically nothing from, Juan Pablo sends home Christy the hot mess who never quite got her foundation figured out, and more importantly Lucy! Lucy who kind of grew on me after last episode. I think in the end he probably just realized she wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but Lucy will land on her feet. I have no doubt. Her “best friend Kate Upton” will surely be able to help her get back out there and find love.

Next week begins the international traveling and they are once again taking a tour of Asia. I believe South Korea is up first, and we’ll see how everyone’s nerves do with jet lag and culture shock! Until next time, I’ll be over on twitter @Chasspod and back in your hearts and homes next Wednesday. ¡Besos!