Curate, connect, and discover
I go downstairs, knocking on my big sister’s door. She yells through, “Open!” so I step inside. I come in to a familiar sight, her leaning forward on her bed as she focuses on a game. “Hey, what’s up?”
“I’m lonely,” I squeak out. She just pats the bed next to her, so I sit down and lean on her shoulder.
A few seconds later I hear her whisper, “Fuck,” and she puts the controller down. She turns to me and wraps her arm around me, rubbing my shoulder. “What’s up, sis?” I just lean into her harder and curl into a ball. “Oh honey.. Comere,” she says as she scoops me into her lap.
“I’m sorry I always have to come to you. I know I’m probably annoying you.”
“No, no you aren’t. Not at all.” She holds me tight, leaning her head on me.
“Sis.. why didn’t they want me?” I ask, my voice breaking as I start to cry.
She just sighs. “Mom and Dad suck. They didn’t like it any better when I came out, but I was moving out, so it didn’t really matter. I’m really sorry they kicked you out.”
“No. Please don’t be sorry. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.” She sits back and pulls me up to look at her face.
“Hey, I am not stuck with you. You had friends to stay with, and I insisted you come here. I love you.” She brushes the hair out of my face, wiping some of my tears away.
“But.. you don’t love me the same.”
“I… I know. It’s just, you’re my little sister. It’s not supposed to be that way.” She can’t look me in the eyes.
“But.. if it was normal.. would you?”
She pulls her hands away from me. “I- I don’t know. Can we not talk about this please? I already feel weird enough about the things we’ve done before.”
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay, seriously. I get it. It’s not like I’ve never though about it, even before you admitted it to me. It’s just… we aren’t supposed to.”
I sit up, trying to read her face as much as I can. “…We aren’t supposed to be trans either. Not supposed to be gay. Doing what you’re supposed to is boring.”
She perks up a little, contemplating. “That’s… a fair point, but one that I’m not sober enough to think about.”
“Can I sleep with you tonight?” I stick out my lip and give her puppy eyes.
She pretends to be annoyed with me. “Ugh, fine I guess,” she says as she cracks a smile. “Shirts stay on though!”
“But it gets hot under your thick blankets!!”
“Just… ughhh. You’re gonna get me in trouble, you know that?”
I smile at her and stick my tongue out playfully. “Yeahhh…” Then I take my shirt off and climb under her covers, noticing her eyes lingering on my chest longer than they’re ‘supposed to’ before I turn the light off. “Goodnight big sis!” I say as I feel her arms wrap around me. I’m safe.