Life Sucks - Blog Posts

This is... uh, too relatable currently. Man, I'm looking for a job but can't really find one, so I'm just home all the time. I literally don't leave my house and barely eat, and I know I'm being super unhealthy, but I can hardly muster up the energy to make myself a sandwhich, let alone leave the house. And I know farther that i feel better when I'm surrounded by people, but getting the energy to actually plan something is a completely different mountain that I really don't want to bother with, so I just... lay in bed every day. Listing this out though, I think I might invite a friend to hang out today, I really do need to get out of my house

I might not believe in a God but the closest I have felt to religious is getting to hear my friends laugh

So I got some sucky news today, I'm getting fired from my job and am now kinda scrambling to get my affairs in order, not only do I have to move back to the US, but I also have move back in with my parents 😭

I'm still gonna be drawing/writing because it's like one of my only healthy coping methods.

For anyone who might be genuinely interested, im thinking of opening commissions in the near future. Once im stableish. I am still working out the prices and payment methods.

But yeah...

Do you know how I feel? I feel like I’m drowning, and I’m aware of it but I can’t do anything.

I know I have to study a lot, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to do stuff, to concentrate.

I know I have to keep my house in order and do the dishes every day, do the laundry. But I can’t.

I am gaining weight and I know I should and want to eat healthy and not stress-eatings. But I do.

I know that I should be active more and workout so that I have a nice body. But I can’t do it more than one day.

I know I should take care of myself. But I fucking can’t.

And I hate myself for losing control like that, not being able to control my willpower. I hate myself for knowing this shit and still procrastinate and watch a movie instead or surf the instagram. I know I’m wasting my time, but there’s this voice in my head that’s just so strong, when I hear it I say ‘screw it you’ll do it tomorrow’. And the worst part is I am allowing that voice to control me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s like I’m losing control over my mind and my will to do things. I am telling myself every fucking day that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new start, but I feel deep down that it won’t. I feel like I’m drowning in my own sadness.

I realized a few days ago that I’m in depression. And that hit me hard. I am alone, sad and depressed. And I am trying to fight this fucking thing everyday but I fail. You know what though? I don’t want to lose control to that little piece of shit, I don’t want to be unhealthy, fat and depressed. I will fight it and I will kill it.

And when I do, it will be the greatest win of my life.

"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"

~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.

My problem is saying I don't give a shit about what anyone says and yet seeking validation from them.

"It's not about the want to die but the desire to simply not exist"

-Me, 2022

Life goes on:

Life goes on,

When the blossoms may.

When dry leaves fall down,

In a sun free day.

Life goes on,

When childhood ends.

When you grow apart,

From all your friends.

Life goes on,

When you walk alone.

In sunny paths and trails,

Of a hillside house.

Life goes on,

When you let things go.

When you accept,

There's always left some hope.

Life goes on and on

And on till the-

Day you die and-

Leave your imprint behind.

~ME

Feeling sick...

I have been feeling sick all week and it really sucks because it only adds the constant physical pain I have to live with every second of every day because my step-dad used to like tossing me around.

me after everything we went through during that cursed match (and also cry so much that my eyes felt like they were burning after it ended with a defeat)

What would yall do if you had a younger sibling who hates you, calls you fat and smelly, pretends you don’t exist, hits you, calls you names, and is alltogether toxic but you still have to live with them?

Am I in the wrong for giving them the cold truth and saying that this is how they’re going to lose friends? That some of the people I know have lost friends for being this way?

I don’t know what to do about them anymore. And then my momma is yelling at being for being rude to them. Like, they’re being worse to me. I get that it’s wrong, but she never addresses their horrible behavior.

And she gets mad at me for being in my room all day, on my devices. Like, Im sorry, but I don’t want to be around people who treat me like that. This place and many others are my escapes. None of my friends or family know about this account. (Exception of one sweet girl, @celestiva, we love her <3) and this really is my sweet escape from life.

Sorry for venting. I usually stay away from this type of stuff, but it’s been eating me alive.

A Car I Never Owned…

-kalika

WHY IS DECIDING YOUR NAME SO FUCKING HARD

ARGH–

Lyric Credit- Hybe lables/Tomorrow X Together

Bashing my head against a white wall, Ripping the picture I took with you again, I will never smile like I used to.

Empty Trash By LØREN

hey bestie how are youuu

do you want me to tell you im ok or do you want the truth

Update that's probably long overdue. The memorial/funeral already happened. There were a lot of people there, so at least I know my cousin was loved and did love a lot.

Shit still sucks, I have recently dropped or been dropped from all but one class [I had three], so that's great [/sarcastic]. I am really starting to wondering if college is right for me, I will definitely be taking at least one term off and if I go back to college it will probably be a different one so I can pretty much have a fresh start. I luckily don't need a college degree to do what I want to do, which is to become a dog trainer specializing in service dogs.

I also need to try and work on getting myself a service dog, which I believe I mentioned a while ago. Motivation is so hard to find to do shit so I can actually live a somewhat "normal" life.

Sorry about the rant, life just kinda sucks rn. But there's also good shit. This is just about the bad shit rn.

Something good is I'll be going to see that side of my family again soon for a barbecue [is that spelled right? I have a specific learning disability (what it is listed as on my paperwork, lol)] so that'll be fun.

I'll actually be able to talk to my queer cousin about shit again, lol. My father and brother in this life are homophobic and transphobic and shit so that's not fun, but I do have an old cousin who is queer that I love hanging out with and wish I could hang out with more. As well as my younger cousin [who was the son of my cousin who died], he's cool to hang out with as well, lol.

My older cousin streams, but I don't know if I should say their username or not. I'll not say it for now at least.

Hope ya'll are having good days and shit! :3c

- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it mainly)

Edit: I forgot tags

[TW: Death and shit that comes with that, idk maybe more? If you find any more things that should be in this trigger warning pls tell me.]

Also, shit is happening in my life rn. I recently [on September 11th] lost my cousin, she died and we aren't sure how exactly yet. So, yeah. Death is fucking weird and I don't think I process it normally (AuDHD). So I may end up not posting for a while or might end up posting like every day.

Just sharing so ya'll know what's going on if I disappear for a while [even though I would likely do that even without this shit happening].

We aren't sure when the funeral thing is happening yet, I slightly hope it's soon so I can see my family, I don't live by that side of the family, sadly. Probably gonna end up missing like a day of college, but whatever, my family [my pack] is more important to me.

My cousin left behind a son. He is a kid. He's younger than I was when my mom in this life died. [I was like 16 when that happened, and I won't be sharing how old my 2nd cousin is]. So I really wanna see that side of my family, so I can try and be there for him. He's gonna need people there for him, and if I could without getting in trouble, I would drop out of college rn to be around him while he is going through this. (Protective wolf/dog instincts?)

There's just a lot of shit going on rn with my life, I wish it would stop for a bit.

- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/xe/ze) :((

[We is referring to my family, btw]

A sudden feeling

today is 30th January... I am sitting in my bathroom writing this while my mom is listening to masakali.. And it is very much audible from the bathroom as the sound is quite high..

anyways.. I am feeling very low these days.. I overthink a lot.. And overthinking helps me to actually know the whole truth because whenever I overthink about something it turns into reality... Moreover, this blog is the result of my overthinking...

Being neglected by the people I basically love to hangout with, talk to, has been a habit for me because I know that I will lose them.. But still I don't hurt them.... Okay so now my mom is playing shishe se shisha takraye...

Anyways feeling a little bit better after writing the feelings which I kept in my heart for like a week maybe.... A two day or one day trip to shantiniketan can give my soul a little bit of shanti now.. Hey Rabindra Nath come and take me out of this one sided "shesher kobita" phase.. Anyways bye... Don't feel uneasy to judge me.. Because I am judged by every single human being... If anybody can relate my current condition, do comment... (I don't even know if I will post this but still)

✨🌼

(Posted today itself XD)