I'm Normal About Them I Swear - Blog Posts

The first time I heard that Asagiri said Dazai and Chuuya were the same soul in two bodies, I was a little confused. I mean, I love them too, but they're so different.

But now...

They both were forced to grow up too fast. They're both geniuses who can't relate to the world around them, yet at the same time, they both desire human connection. Both need to fight of nihilism, that feeling that life isn't worth it--even Chuuya, in Stormbringer, really struggled with the purpose of his own life. They both live for others and desire their connection, but the world doesn't let them have it.

And the loneliness.

The feeling of being a monster, a god of destruction. That they're bad, evil, inhuman. That they will never get they want, are forced to struggle for eternity, that there is no place in this world for two lonely demons like them who want nothing more than to be human...

Except for the arcade, where the two of them can just be teenaged boys for a moment. The same soul in two bodies reaching out for each other so they can be alone together.

I swear to god if I ever need a cry I just need to watch alien stage again and just weep at the levels of hopeless devotion in Ivan and Sua.

Like what do you mean Ivan critisised Sua for her plan because she knew Mizi loved her and knew that what she had planned would hurt her??? What do you mean that Ivan had no qualms doing the same to Till because he though Till wouldnt care??? What do you mean Ivan became a trigger for Luka to use against Till, the only scenario that Ivan did not think was possible.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?

Sobbing. they were all doomed from the start I swear to god.

"finally"

I've convinced myself Mac wasn't aware of his crush on Dennis until his dream in PTSDee. It's all in his eyes when Dennis first goes in to kiss him, even if it's only a moment concocted by Mac's unconscious mind. His eyes tell us everything.

So much is said in the way Mac looks at Dennis here. It's like something clicks. Dennis is holding onto Mac's face and Mac sinks into Dennis' touch, realizing this is something he has been wanting to experience for a while, even if he has not always been consciously aware of it. While I do believe Mac has had feelings for Dennis long before this dream, I don't think these feelings had ever been fully realized until now, even after coming out.

But then Mac wakes up from his dream as if it were a nightmare. It's as if the idea of having feelings for Dennis shocks him awake, causing him to gasp for air. He is being suffocated by his own realization.

He wakes up in bed with Dee and Old Black Man. This is how he knows he's no longer in a fantasy. In his dream, he was back at the apartment, waking up in his own room. He was back to living with Dennis, the pair of them alone together. Mac looks around for Dennis but finds that Dennis is not in bed. He gets up to search for Dennis, ultimately finding Dennis practicing his dance in Dee's living room, just like he had been doing in Mac's dream.

Mac watches Dennis dance, confused yet intrigued. It's like he's waiting to see what will happen, or more likely he's waiting to see if his dream will come true. Dennis dances towards Mac and throws his hands up on the doorframe. Mac's no longer looking at Dennis in confusion but rather in desire. He knows what he wants now. He knows he's always wanted it. Mac smiles when Dennis comes closer, evidently excited at the prospect that Dennis will make a move. He wants Dennis to kiss him.

But then Dennis doesn't. Instead, he slams the door shut in Mac's face. His dance wasn't meant for Mac. Mac's dream would not come true, at least not entirely. Dennis doesn't love Mac, but hell, Mac certainly loves Dennis.