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How It Feels - Blog Posts
the feeling of dissociation
As someone who experiences dissociation, I wanted to illustrate how it felt to me. It often feels like everything I feel and experience is secondhand, like I’m living through this half-alive shell of a creature that isn’t me
I’ve been doing better lately, and mainly made this as a way to help me process things
Very weird feeling
To anyone else who experiences this, you’re not alone, you’re not a burden, and I’m happy you exist here with me
I was raised to believe in tradition. I grew up hearing that a woman's true home is with her husband, that marriage is half of her faith, the ultimate purpose of her existence. I was taught that as a woman, I have to cover myself, that I must remain unseen until the day I am given to a man. And then to let him take from me, in ways I have spent my whole life avoiding.
And when that moment comes, I cannot hesitate. I cannot shy away. I must be willing. I must be ready.
And for the longest time I did not question it.
There is no pain like the pain of a dream you have held so close to yourself coming undone. Realizing that marriage, the very thing you were conditioned to look forward to, is not about love at all. That it was never about love. Marriage is just a facade. A tool for patriarchal control.
Waking up to your own reality, is such an intimate type of violence. Realizing that this is something you experience. That it's not an abstract concept, something to debate about in sociology and talk about amongst peers. Realizing that when the conversation ends, I go home to it.
It is not a theory. It is not history. It is my reality.