Drop Out - Blog Posts

I love that Adam ruins everything has just slowly evolved into Adam explains how capitalism is a human meat grinder into which we are all slowly falling

How to be afraid

Be afraid that you'll drop-out from school and you'll never find another one where you can fit in. Be utterly frightened that your book will never be published and that it's rubbish. Be genuinely fearful of the fact that your body can break-down in any minute because you have a disease that you think you're "too young for". Be worried about never finding a proper job. Be scared of never finishing anything. Be completely, undeniably and irreversebly drenched with fear and worries.

It's 00:12 here, in my parents' kitchen, where I write these lines, while listening to some classy music, that I invited to create the illusion of uppercase-life. But all this, around me, is built on I don't know what. I'm supposed to know, I ought to know but somehow I feel struck by worries. I've been the guy who never felt fear, the one who never regretted failure. But the ground has been shrinking under my feet and I wasn't paying attention and now I'm just floating in nothing. I feel miserable and defeated. My body is broken and so is my spirit. I know I shouldn't give in to the circumstances but I feel vulnerable and hurt. I'm immensely frightened.

Oh goodness, why am I saying this nonsense? This attitude in itself is the manifestation of everything I am against. The Bible says I should pray and do it with a thankful heart. It's extremely hard to do. But not impossible. I'm thankful for the love of my life (yes, I know we're young). I can't express how thankful I am for the promise of eternal life. This is something, that most of you can't put your fingers on. Well neither can I. But I feel that it is not a lie or fantasy. I believe because I have this splinter in my soul, shrieking: YOU'RE SAVED. And I am, indeed. My faith is not the one of the weak. It's the one of humans. Because none of us can fight or trick death. We all are subjects to it. We all are limited and vulnerable. We are creations. I find my hope and basically my life in the Creator of all of us. Even in these times. So, cheer up :)

The loser

"Only the losers win, they've got nothing to lose..." sings Jon Foreman. And I'm kind of beginning to understand it to its depths. It can be read in countless other ways and I'M certain, that even he meant a different message than what's coming over to me...

I'm studying mechanical engineering in a prestigious university, so I'm supposed to be overly into it but I'm not. I mean to some extent I am and I can wholeheartedly say, that I get pretty easily excited for it but then I always become utmost guilty. It's because I know what I'll do: I'll write. Novels. Good and/or bad ones. But this is what I'll do. Maybe later, if I can manage, I'll become director of films. Or anything else. I know this is  what I'm really supposed to do. It's not because it's easy to give up because it's not... But I'm doing it to truly be moving in the direction, for which I am born. I know it's confusing but the point is, I know, that this is the Heavenly Plan - at least for now... I just don't know when to start...

PS.: I must note, that Jon Foreman was a drop-out from uni :) ;)