Billie Vents - Blog Posts

I cry for the butcher

Gold silver and copper

cake my tongue

No harm can ever come from

my mother's praying hands

My filthy mouth -

I harmed myself

Orange wedge lip

Clenched ivory threat

Pulled the trigger with my tongue

Blood orange

Her saintly hands

I’m sorry - a million times over

I say to her

And when i finally cry

It is not for the lamb.

Fun fact: without enrichment animals can suffer from depression and anxiety.

It's me. I'm animals. Work is not enriching enough

I want to metaphorically jump off a building and see who catches me. But at least I'm self aware enough to not do that.

I'm coming up on my 25th birthday and I've never seen a gynecologist because my family doctor also happens to be a close family friend and even though he knows I've been sexually active for a while I just can't seem to bring myself to be specific.

What am I supposed to say?

"Oh yeah, I know you know I'm in a lesbian relationship, but my Gf has a nine inch dick with which she plows me on the regular, so maybe I should get my cervix looked at, if for no other reason than to make sure everything is still where it should be"

Ya llego ✨✨✨

Excerpt from a text convo between two Friends who both have BPD:

*edited for typos and clarity*

[...] I will do what Is in my nature to do.

I will beg the frog to take me to the other side of the river.

The frog will say no because it knows it cannot trust me.

And I will say: "you can trust me because if I sting you I too will drown".

And with its last ghasping drowning breath the frog will ask me: "why?" and I will say:

"Because it's in my nature".

As a person with BPD, I deeply identify with the scorpion in that story. I don't start out wanting to hurt the people that are helping me. I don't start out thinking about how much pain I can cause.

I ask for help from people who should know better than to trust me and I make it very difficult for them to do what I asked.

"Let yourself be loved", said my mother as she squeezed and pinched and bruied us with her hugs and kisses.

Don't be a "Limosnero con garrote" (begger with a club), my parents would tell us. They often found it difficult to meet our needs. And somehow, that was our fault.

Can a scorpion live without its stinger? Can a beggar carry a club? Can I stop hurting?

I hate the spring

Because it smells like a schoolyard, like a rubber band about to snap, like unreachable expectations. I reeks of change and hope that sours like milk in the sun. It smells like an wild animal about to pounce on its vulnerable pray.

It makes me nauseous, it wets my socks, it burns my eyes and It looms over me like the inevitable end of all that is good.

Um so...

I tried avoiding conflict with my mom... but that turned into avoiding my mom...

On tuesday after a very intense phone call with her and an equally intense therapy session, I decided to go no contact.

I then hung out with friends, got embarrassingly drunk, woke up with a hangover that was less debilitating than I had hoped and blocked her on all my socials.

I didn't think ti was going to hurt *me* this much. I should be happy. But I feel guilty. I feel like I gave up too soon, like if I had hung on a little longer, then everything would have been ok.

But I know that's not true. I know that she uses the fact that I still have hope to rope me back in every time. And every time I fall for it.

I know I don't miss her. I know I miss the "in between" times. I miss the way she would behave when she was making up for having hurt me; when she was trying to "earn" the forgiveness I gave her for free. I miss how she would make me feel so safe and so loved, like I was the only one with who she could really be herself, like there was no one in the world who saw me like she did.

I know that all those wo derfull feelings come at the cost of hollowing out everything that makes me "me" to make room for what she wants me to be.

I know all that.

And It still feels like I fucked up. Like I should apologize and beg for her forgiveness and pray to a god I no longer believe in that she will welcome me back into a "home" that has only ever felt as calm and as safe as the eye of a hurricane.

Mando Finale Thots (Spoilers Below Cut)

I was honestly disappointed with the Season Finale. Was it fun? Sure. Did it have everything I ever wanted for Din and the gang? Almost. But this is why I can't be happy with what we got:

What happened to Paz?? If he died this heroic death why was he never brought up again? I'm glad his son got his baptism finally but like... what about his dad's funeral?? You're telling me that Din wouldn't be mourning the loss of his childhood rival?? Either Paz isn't dead and will make a return next season in a villainous role or the writing was weaker than white people's tolerance to spice

What was the point of the Dr. Pershing episode?? It took precedence over the premiere AND the finale yet nothing came of it?? That whole episode could've been a fucking email if it wasn't that important to the season's overall plot

What happened to the armor the Armorer gave to Grogu?? It was never brought up again and you can't tell me Season 2 and BOBF Din WOULDN'T have been sobbing under his bucket upon seeing it. Also, who bathes Grogu?? Din is a parent is he allowing his son to be a stinky stank and that's how he never saw the armor?? Whack.

How could the darksaber, an ancient indestructible weapon that is capable of slicing through beskar... be defeated in a Ghetto Stomp. Either that wasn't the real darksaber or they got lazy and tossed a major SW artifact out the window because it no longer serves them and they wanted the easy way out hoping no one would notice

Why was everyone suddenly okay with Bo-Katan?? She's a racist terrorist who not once had gone in depth or atoned for her war crimes and I'm genuinely disturbed that people chose to forget that. It's like cheering on Hitler because you liked him as a person outside of his political beliefs. I wanted Bo's redemption to be fulfilling while holding her accountable cause like what the actual fuck how is anyone okay with Bo's leadership after so many failed attempts and lies

The build up was to show that Gideon is so full of himself he had to clone himself?? I doubt that was the big reveal, what they saw in the lab on Navarro wasn't Gideon. I refuse to believe they needed Grogu just to make a more OPed version of Gideon. Gideon isn't stupid why would he clone himself with powers he doesn't have when he knows he'd just overthrow himself? That was bait and I'm not buying that or that he's dead that was a clone

Whomst the fuck wasn't watching Grogu and how did he manage to save Din without being detected????

The Mythosaur deserved better. I'm glad it's getting it's centuries long nap in, but I still refuse to believe the darksaber or Din being a himbo was the reason for her seeing it and then barely remembering to mention it again in the end like if it doesn't come back I'm suing Disney

Why was Din made out to be such a damsel until it was convenient? You're telling me this man easily passed out sinking to the bottom of a historic well despite knowing how to swim and his armor being canonically light, but was able to take down half an army by himself?? Din in the finale was the Din I knew who would never have perished from just being a dumb ass not watching his step. Even Grogu conveniently using the force after refusing to all season felt cheap and you can't change my mind

It's great Din adopted Grogu and all but he still hasn't called him his son?? Just his apprentice?? We spent three seasons with everyone else calling Grogu his son and Din his father but the titular character can't?? Where was that cuddly fatherhood from season 2 and episode 1 of this season? He's been treating Grogu like a nephew at most and I just... give me my space dad back

And why did they name drop Dooku but not Satine? What were the stakes? Why is there a season 4 when there's nothing that really needs to be said or done? Going back to the space western season 1 and 2 promised is fantastic but like... at what cost? Are they going to pretend season 3 never happened? Will it all be a dream? Will the peace be destroyed and Din and Grogu need to save Mandalore themselves and the galaxy with the friends they made along the way???