Once More For Those In The Back.

[at the store]

Hera: excuse me, i lost my son. can i make an announcement?

employee: of course

Hera, into the mic: goodbye you little shit

Hephaestus in the tools section, looking up: what-

So out of spite I sped-read The Iliad

Because I wanted to see if there was any way that Patroclus and Achilles’ relationship wasn’t as understandable or blatantly obvious as The Song of Achilles made it out to be. Y’all are welcome. 

Here are things Achilles has said to/thought about Patroclus, heavily paraphrased bc I’m not citing verse (my thoughts in italics):

In general, to start, “Patroclus” is almost always followed by some variation of “my companion”, so there’s that-

Book 11

“(Patroclus), joy of my heart”

Book 16

“Every Trojan and Greek can die as long as we two survive! We can take Troy together” —Achilles’ goofy ass bruh, I swear -_-

“Zeus, give him strength, keep Patroclus alive and bring him back to me” —Zeus: ope

Book 18 (y'all I put the wrong book why ain’t y'all stop me! 😭)

“I hope the gods have not done something that will break my heart (like kill Patroclus)”

[Antilochus preventing him from cutting his wrists after hearing he’s dead, covers his face in dust, screams so loud his mom hears it at the bottom of the ocean]

“What pleasure is there for me, when Patroclus, my beloved companion has been destroyed, the man I honored above all…”

“My own heart has no desire to live on….unless Hector is (killed for killing Patroclus)”

“So now I’ll go (kill Hector), killer of the man I loved” —Now I know he claims love for a lot of men, but he wasn’t willing to fight for any of their dead bodies until Patroclus, sooooo

“I’m going to wait to bury you until we’re both dead so that we’re together in death” —Shit’s a lil weird, but Achilles is a drama queen so it’s in line- UPDATE- okay so, if they wait to be buried together they’ll go to the same place! Makes sense!

Book 19

“I can’t even eat I’m so distressed, not even my own father’s death would upset me as much. I would have had you tell my son of me if you were alive because I thought only I would die” —-this one in particular gets me because Deidameia is alive, but he wanted Patroclus to tell his son about him!

Book 20

“(Hector’s) getting closer, the man who scarred my heart more than all other men”

Book 22

“I’m going to leave your [Hector’s] body here to be torn apart by animals while Patroclus is getting the burial he deserves”

“I’ll not forget [Patroclus] as long as I’m alive. Even when I’m dead, I won’t forget my companion”

Book 23

[Patroclus’ ghost asks to be buried together, Achilles agrees and tries to hold him but he vanishes] —-Why would Patroclus ask this of someone he didn’t love? And why would Achilles agree so easily?

[Gives him a golden urn and commands they have a mound]

In fact, literally all of book 23 is a damn festival for Patroclus lmao

Incidents of him with women:

Book 9

“He stole from me (Briseis), a woman I love. Let him sleep with her! I still won’t fight”  —-Don’t sound very loving to me, and also star point because they offered Briseis back amongst hella other shit and he still said no

“Achilles slept with Diomede, Patroclus slept opposite Achilles with Iphis" 

Book 19 (again!)

Briseis cries over Patroclus’ body, saying that when Achilles killed her husband, Patroclus was nice and would make sure Achilles would marry her instead  —–Idk how this would make anyone feel better about their dead spouse, but….go off, I guess? Not to mention he knew Achilles wasn’t gone make it! Liar lmao

Book 24

He sleeps with Briseis after Priam comes to beg for Hector’s body

Final verdict: 

Bisexual, open relationship. I won’t deny evidence of him and the ladies, but he was most definitely in love with Patroclus. 

The movie Troy can suck it, and I’ll die on this hill in aristeia like Patroclus. 

(update! Lmao y'all I had the right quotes, wrong book for some of them- why ain’t y'all say nothing?)

Norse mythology from A to Z:

[S] - Sjörå a mythical creature of the lake in Swedish folklore. It was a water spirit, comparable to the nymphs of Greek mythology.

Greek mythology from A to Z:

[N] - Nike (Νίκη) was the goddess of victory, depicted as having wings, hence her alternative name “Winged Goddess”.

Norse mythology from A to Z:

[A] - Ægir was a primeval god, more ancient than many other Norse deities.

He was the god of the sea, the counterpart of the Greek god Poseidon and the Roman god Neptune

Aegir and his wife Ran carried a net with which they could trap seafarers and pull them down to their underwater kingdom. Drowned sailors were said to dine at Aegir’s banquet hall. The underwater couple had nine daughters - the ocean waves.

Doodle of Achilles and Ajax playing dice based on this black figure vase painting by Exekias

Greek mythology from A to Z:

[H] - Hebe (Ἥβη) was the goddess of youth, she served nectar and ambrosia to the Olympians.

Norse mythology from A to Z:

[M] - Máni is the personification of the moon.

Greek mythology from A to Z:

[H] - Harmonia (Ἁρμονία) is the goddess of concord and harmony.