Saturdays Concert Was A Lot Of Firsts For Me:

Saturdays concert was a lot of firsts for me:

It was my first ever concert

It was the first time I wore full fem in public

It was the first time I explicitly wore a pride flag

It was the first time someone I knew called me Jocie in public

It was the first time I got genuine compliments from strangers

It was the first time I went into the women’s bathroom (so much more comfortable btw)

It was the first time I didn’t feel a shred of anxiety

It was truly a magical experience, not only to see my lifelong favorite band good kid, but to be my full true self without restrictions. I felt like I could finally breathe for the first time in forever. The whole thing was so just congenial and I loved it.

This marks a new era in my transition, I’ve been through discovery, I’ve been through yearning and dreaming, this year I think I’m going to be craving. This will be toughest fight yet, but if things go well I’ll make it out hotter then I did before.

Things just made so much more sense on Saturday, my actions felt way more natural. I knew that I wasn’t doing things wrong for the first time in my life.

I want that back. I want to have that, and to be that, I want to smile like I smiled, I want to move like I moved, I want to talk like I talked, I want to go where I went.

I’m tired of the claustrophobic feeling I get everyday. I’m tired of my heart and windpipes being crushed 24/7. I’m tired of dreading every interaction I have. I tired of having anxiety attacks whenever I see a girl wearing something cute, and being filled with intense envy that I’m not allowed to quench. I’m tired of entering the boys bathroom and immediately feeling like I’m being observed and that I’m in danger. I’m tired of making up lies to protect my siblings from the hate that my coming out will definitely put on them; I can take the heat, but they never could. I’m tired of being uninspired when choose my clothes from such a dull pallet. I’m tired.

I’m craving something I just got a sample of.

You can’t keep it from me forever.

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Tags
4 months ago

#thoughtsandthings

Dysphoria. Is. A. F#cking. Spectrum.

did I want to be a boy?

ever?

Truly? no.

not ever.

no.

but regardless, there was a time, many years ago, I would have said yes.

and unlike for many, for all the wrong reasoning.

I hated how my chest felt. how it felt with clothes. how they moved without clothes. how they touched my skin beneath with or without clothes. The minute sounds they could make depending on motion, temperature, texture. how they felt if it was hot.

Then there bras. God I hated bras. They were designed to be hated. so uncomfortable. especially back then. itchy, wire frames possibly the worst aspect of most. straps too tight on the shoulder muscle, or else useless. itchy also. always seem to need adjusting, but also refused to get fitted because hell no to touch.

my clit... ok so her I wanted bigger. happened anyway and probably would have continued to some degree anyway. Problem here is how such a thing is so often, and without thought, associated to manhood. because so little is known of the word clit even hearing or reading it (not sorry) causes a fuss and internal screams. even know we don't know enough to be able to speak of full capabilities (we are talking about our own bodies here😩).

facial hair? i would have said yes to this too but with this, honestly?

I just wanted her to be able to look at me the way she looked at him...

that first girl I fell for that had already fallen for him, the stupid boy version of me she'd call him, whilst crying on me every time he made her sad, whilst I seemed to live just to make her happy

and her my first real girlfriend who slept with my first real boyfriend.... in front of me after already kissing another him on a trip away because she missed me and some boy sorta looked like me, she said.

and as I got older still, all those guys that got in my already well prepped for paranoia head, that they could get my girl in their bed if they wanted

maybe I fantasies about wearing what they did so I could be the only thing she sees

you know

There's so much talk about ending the binary. When are we ready to talk about the spectrum of dysphoria?

When its not just transgirl or transboy and the end of the dysphoria journey.

When is that gonna be as acknowledged and given room, and space.

Jesus its like everything is for binaries now.

Anyway, honestly this one was written now but for younger me. I hope it heals you kid. Little autistic kid with no words to say but so much to write. I do. I really do. You are you. And a binary it can't hold you, be it cis, be it trans, there is no one or the other, this or that one side vs other side. There's you.

Don't use this post to be a transphobic & if you do you'll be laughed at nor reacted to, for illiteracy tbh

4 months ago
Trans Bingo

Trans Bingo

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thylocalsorceress - the fire breathing dragon w(b)itch Kali :3
the fire breathing dragon w(b)itch Kali :3

F18 (She/Her/Fae/Faer) 🏳️‍⚧️Demiromantic Pansexual 👸Dragon Therian 🐉AuDHDic and very silly :3WITCH!!!!! 🧙‍♀️(please be a little patient with me and please use tone tags)(also i do free curses and hexes on abusers and stuff, so if you'd like onedone just lemme know :3)(PS. I can't guarantee being able to do them though cuz its free after all)

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