You're The Song I Wish To Fall Asleep To Every Night. You're The Song I Listen To On Repeat And Never

It's a choice to be in love, as it is to be hurt by the ones we love. It's often those we love, that hurt us the most, because we've given them the ability to do so. We let them have special places in our hearts, prioritise them, their needs and wants, maybe get a little addicted to their company with more time and similar routines and let ourselves merge as though the process often completes us and makes us whole. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But it is a choice, all of it is. And as much as it hurts, that's the beauty in love, to choose to be vulnerable with the ones we love, to give them the ability to see us whole, to see us naked, for all that we are, the flaws and beauty, saints and sinners. We choose to be in love knowing it might just wreck havoc before it's all over. We choose love over and over again, because despite the pain, there is beauty in vulnerability, there is beauty in being hurt by love, by the ones we love. This was our choice, to love and to hurt.

© Raina Rose.

You were the song I used to listen to on repeat, knew every beat by heart. I felt every high and low, every key and note, every word and tune and I could tell when you'd end and begin.

Soon, I started getting happy during certain parts, excited even. It was all so good that you'd make me smile just humming you to myself, you'd make me happy playing on repeat in my head.

You were the song I knew I loved, the moment I heard you, and you were the song I knew was close to heart, that I played it for that one special person I spoke to all day and night.

Then one day, he left, and I couldn't hear you the same anymore. I knew it was going to be bad so I stopped listening to you, because I didn't want to associate those feelings with you but that's exactly what happened...

You were always on my playlist and I didn't mind listening to you when you came on the radio every now and then by accident. The sweet memories would last for three and a half minutes before vanishing the same way they'd appeared.

And that's the thing, I wouldn't deliberately play you on my own, that would be too painful and knowing the feelings attached to you, I couldn't possibly punish myself in such a cruel way.

Soon, words that were once meant for happiness, turned sour and I didn't want to dissect the meaning of you other than what I'd already interpreted in my head before.

Now, I hear you once in awhile and maybe it doesn't hurt anymore but it still doesn't feel the same as it did before...

You're the song I once loved, was intoxicated with, knew by heart and you will be the song I'll never listen to again by choice...

I'll never choose you again...

© Raina Rose.

"It was an extremely normal day and I decided to ruin it by walking down his street. The sun was setting and I could see the lights turned on in his room. I sat by the pavement across his house and drifted into another world. I was sad, I felt empty since he left but seeing him every now and then bought back memories that made me smile in pain. How do I not glisten beneath the sun, my very own sunshine. I heard he was alone again, I didn't want a relationship, let alone one with a broken heart. I just needed to steal another glance to paint a picture of love, or what it meant to be loved. My eyes were heavy but little did I know the day had barely begun..."

© Raina Rose.

I used to listen to songs when chatting with friends, sometimes the songs are on repeat and then I start associating those songs with them. Everytime the songs come on, I naturally think about them and the conversations we've had. And then one day, he left. I listened to a variety of songs from plenty of my playlists that I started losing my mind when each one came on. I deleted them all, even the ones I've loved as much as him. It was better this way, because when the songs come on and he's not there, I don't know what to do with all the useless tunes, words and melodies that rise within me. What do I do with all the love and songs left inside of me that once used to belong to us?

© Raina Rose.

Liberation

It would be a lie if I said I didn't try. Maybe it was late, but it was worth saving. You were worth saving. And sometimes you have to walk away, even from things you love most so that you can save yourself before anything, or anyone else. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but I can never be selfish when it comes to you. So I walked into the forest, danced through fire, breathed air that felt like poison, drank lies, mostly the ones I told myself, slept in cold, lay myself bare, only to find you. And I found you by breaking myself apart. It would be a lie if I said I didn't try...

© Raina Rose.

Where did you come from, I'll never know. What you're doing to me, I'll never understand. How did you get this close, I didn't plan on it either. When do you intend to go, I don't wish to know...

Stay,

© Raina Rose.

Every morning I awaken in hopes of finding you under the covers, perhaps on the other side of the bed but our reality keeps us miles apart. I can't help but wonder what coffee tastes like on your lips, if you'd like them silky smooth, or bitterly burnt. Every inch of the day closes in on me, keeping you a constant in my thoughts. Every breeze carried by the wind has a hint of whisper, giggling your name. I long for a warmth I've never felt before, I ache for the touch of your skin, for familiarity, to truly know you. I wish I could come up behind you and hold you close whenever it felt like the world was too much for me, to savour the smell of your cologne that’ll keep me company while you were gone. I wish I could curl into your arms every single day and night, seeking refuge in a love never before seen, to lose myself in you, to lose myself with you. I like to imagine we belonged together in another lifetime, perhaps even one of the past, I like the way we think together, the way you complete my sentences and oftentimes, me. I think of nights spent drinking wine on the streets of Italy and Paris, getting lost in places between the allies and perhaps, in your eyes. Whenever I’m alone again, consumed by the thoughts of us, I hold myself together, praying no one else gets to touch and kiss you the way I do. The way I would...

I like our odds my love, I truly do. 

With love,

Rose

© Raina Rose.

I've missed plenty, but never this way, it feels like a part of me left and has yet to return. I can't help but feel incomplete whenever I'm not with you.

Come home love,

R.

I woke up in a daze, it was 3am. Pulled the phone from underneath my pillow and dialed your number with my eyes closed. It was then that I realized we weren't a thing anymore, there was no relationship between us, no name for the distance that bridged the two of us together anymore. I stared blankly, it took me awhile to process the information, for me to completely fathom that you and I are two separate entities now. It hurt for a bit, then I tossed around in bed to see my vanity standing empty. You used to leave your cigarettes there. It hurt again. I covered my face with my blanket only to realize how much it smelled like your cologne and the bourbon you spilled the other day. It hurt more. Caving into all that should have been, I played the audio you recorded in my phone last summer. Your laughter, your words, the way you said my name and the song you sang, it was all painfully beautiful. How can something so beautiful, so precious, so loved become something so painful, so broken and so empty? I couldn't feel my heart anymore. It was 3.30am, my sleep was gone and so were you.

© Raina Rose.