On Lurching Towards The Breaking Point

i dreamt that he spoke french to comfort me

i dreamt that he spoke french to comfort me

his lilting voice butchering the complex french words he tried to say

making such a beautiful language sound so stilted and choked

there is a metaphor in this

one that i am too lazy to write

i have never understood french

despite years of private school education and ski holidays and a father who is fluent

i remember the words 'trois petit cochon'

i do not remember how they are spelt

i remember the word for condom, the word for london, how to tell someone my age

but if i woke up tommorow in annecy or paris or toulouse

i would be hopelessly, desperately, lost

french people cannot say my name

they do not have the 'th' sound in their language

so my name ends harshly and abruptly

so in this dream he speaks to me in a language that is barred to me

see now that metaphor writes itself

one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become

you don't win any prizes for doing things the hard way.

tw: mentions of ableist thoughts, mentions of self harm

I have been resistant to accepting the extra accommodations and help that I am eligible for, because i was really scared of being seen as stupid. i was forcing myself to use unhealthy coping mechanisms to get the stuff done, and it didn't always work, but i felt somehow superior to others struggling with the same issues because i was taking the maximum amount of subjects, and refusing extra time and extensions.

i thought that by waking up at 4am to get my work finished i was somehow better than other people.

i got to a really bad place where i was struggling so much to concentrate that i would deliberately hurt myself before assignments or exams. so whenever i got distracted or tired i would never be able to ignore the pain or discomfort i was in, and that would remind me that i was supposed to be working.

this was, obviously, wildly unhealthy.

anyway, this year i was given extra time in my exams and assignments for an unrelated issue, and oh my god it was so good. even when i was worried about the exams i was never stressed about time. i came out of my rmps exam without feeling like i was going to throw up for the first time ever! i finished my biology assignment in record time because i wasn't paralysed by stress and indecision.

when i go back to school next week i am going to talk to my teachers and advisors about accepting the extra help i am eligible for, because i've realised that i don't win any prizes for finding it harder than others and persevering despite it. everyones grade transcripts just say what grades they acheived, it doesn't say how they felt or what extra help they required.

accept the help you need. you're suffering does not make you superior.

When Dostoevsky said, "Pain changes you, but it teaches. That is its mercy." but Kafka said, "Pain changes nothing. It just repeats itself until you forget who you were before it started."

YOUR FATHER’S A BURNING HOUSE

Sue Zhao / Family Tree, Ethel Cain / Unknown / Father, The Front Bottoms / Silver Spoon, Erin Lecount / Unknown / Sarah Kay

i am nooooot locked the fuck in. im locked the fuck out. call the locksmith

on building mental discipline

do something small that challenges you every day for a week. something small, whatever that means to you. maybe that's drinking a cup of water with every meal, going outside for ten minutes, or going for a run, taking a cold shower. whatever a small but tricky task means to you, do that every single day for a week.

it will be hard for about three days and then it will be easier.

the week after do a slightly bigger task. again, do whatever the next step up would be. cook a meal from scratch, call your mum, schedule an appointment, make the bed every day.

it will be hard for three days, then it will get easier.

third week do an even bigger task. vacuum your apartment, go to the gym, iron your shirts. whatever the next step up is for you, do that.

over time your brain will find it far easier to pick up new habits. it will have become used to the idea that you do new things and it is hard for a few days, but you always stick to it. you've built up your reputation with yourself to the point that your brain automatically thinks of you as disciplined and hardworking.

work out what habits your ideal self will do, meal prepping, exercising, seeing friends, going to therapy, and do them. your brain will have learnt that you do things even when they are hard, because it knows they eventually will get easier.

build up your reputation with yourself.

i just wanted to reblog this to clear some stuff up, because a few radfems have reblogged this with their own thoughts.

i was 100% including trans people in this, i meant to write a paragraph on them but it slipped my mind.

but yeah i have heard stories of trans men in academia who got treated better after transitioning, and trans women who got treated worse.

i don't rlly know how to phrase this i just wanted to make the point that this blog is not a safe space for trans-exclusive feminism, i beleive trans women and women and trans men are men.

btw if you say 'i'm just a girl' you are contributing to the negative misogynistic stereotype that women are silly and ditzy and lesser than men. if you say 'girl math' you are contributing to the negative misogynistic stereotypes that girls are not good at maths. if you say 'pink jobs' or 'pink chores' to describe washing the dishes, doing the laundry, and cooking, you are contributing to the negative misogynistic stereotype that women belong at home or in the kitchen.

i personally am a humanities/social sciences student. frankly sciences and maths baffle me. but i love my female friends in architecture, engineering, medicine, maths, physics, and coding. i think they are so smart and cool!

please do not start contributing to the rise of 'humanities are for girls, sciences are for boys' this is bullshit!

also it should not, and quite frankly cannot, be separated from the rise of the arts being seen as 'useless' or 'mickey mouse' degrees. they are defunding the arts! be angry! they are saying that this what women should be studying and then they are making it harder to chose to study it! they are trying to remove women from academia!

also shout out to men in humanities, y'all are important to!

TLDR: women in stem rock, they are defunding the arts in an attempt to remove women from academia, your harmless jokes spawned from tiktok trends actively contribute to negative misogynistic stereotypes

btw if you say 'i'm just a girl' you are contributing to the negative misogynistic stereotype that women are silly and ditzy and lesser than men. if you say 'girl math' you are contributing to the negative misogynistic stereotypes that girls are not good at maths. if you say 'pink jobs' or 'pink chores' to describe washing the dishes, doing the laundry, and cooking, you are contributing to the negative misogynistic stereotype that women belong at home or in the kitchen.

i personally am a humanities/social sciences student. frankly sciences and maths baffle me. but i love my female friends in architecture, engineering, medicine, maths, physics, and coding. i think they are so smart and cool!

please do not start contributing to the rise of 'humanities are for girls, sciences are for boys' this is bullshit!

also it should not, and quite frankly cannot, be separated from the rise of the arts being seen as 'useless' or 'mickey mouse' degrees. they are defunding the arts! be angry! they are saying that this what women should be studying and then they are making it harder to chose to study it! they are trying to remove women from academia!

also shout out to men in humanities, y'all are important to!

TLDR: women in stem rock, they are defunding the arts in an attempt to remove women from academia, your harmless jokes spawned from tiktok trends actively contribute to negative misogynistic stereotypes

the unsent project

i like to browse the unsent projects messages, and make myself feel sad over all the lost love in the world

i search up my name over and over, obsessively

i search up your name over and over, obsessively

they say we reflect the love we are shown

and maybe there is something in that, because when i look up your name there are hundreds of messages

and when i look up mine

there are two

i sent some of the messages to you

and when i scroll through every dark green one catches my eye

and the really pathetic thing is that i don't remember which ones i sent

maybe what we had wasn't so special if i am mistaking others messages for mine

i dont know

but i do know that you probably never search for my name

and you have certainly never sent me a message