Rudiment

x / raymond carver

No but I hate seeing young adults beat themselves up for not having it all at a certain age. Like the person with a career will hate themselves for not having a long education, while the person finishing their degree will hate themselves for not also working. And the person in a committed relationship will judge themselves for not also having a big friend group, while the person with lots of friends feels that they're failing because they're single. And in reality no life ever follows a set time line and it's unfair to expect anyone to have it all at once by 20 or 25 or 30 or literally any arbitrary deadline

Cat

baroque freshwater pearls

“it will always be new york or nowhere”

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 2/2/24

todays been all about challenging emotions, not cause i wanted it to be but instead it has just come to the point where its making me feel a little crazy,, all of this pent up emotion has me looking at myself in the mirror different.

but i know i cant move forward without expressing all of this emotion, yet i keep on catching myself being so worried about other peoples expectations even when they arent even in my life anymore, not just that but also the way i look to other people. i dont want to be like that anymore its draining and irritating and ive been quite irritated today :( it takes patience to make everything fall into order and accept but i wish it was just like night and day, is this a form of karma or punishment? im not sure..

im trying to be kinder to myself and as long as im trying i know there will be an outcome.

but on the positive side i got bubble tea today with my best friend :)

A metal heart decorated with small springs that unfolds to reveal paper covered with hand-written prayers in Italian and a small image of the Virgin Mary.

“Emotional abuse works like this: You are screamed at, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself. You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.But this only provokes more screaming. Going silent provokes more screaming too, but usually it keeps the threats to the minimum. It keeps it just at screaming and not: a shove down the stairs, or order to pack your stuff and get out. So you learn how to go silent. How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise. How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. You learn. And when the screaming has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and they’re all smiles, all asking for favors, all questions, you are still hurt and annoyed and want to ask them, how? How can you speak to me like that? How can you pretend you did not say those things? How can you have forgotten? But you’ve learned. So you listen to, “Can I borrow your key”s and “how was your day”s and you play dead. You swallow the noise. And sometimes it doesn’t matter who is speaking to you, it doesn’t matter if they’re a friend, it doesn’t matter if their criticism is constructive, it doesn’t matter. You’ve learned. Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice, any insult and you play dead.”

— Good Girl, Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)