Soured-aspartame - Soured Aspartame

from the bottom of my heart: just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean it shouldn't be allowed to exist

I’ve decided that all bats fall somewhere on this horrid little graph I’ve devised. Here are some prime examples of the various Creature Varieties found in nature.

Holding a girl down with my hand in her hair but it’s my right hand so she has to make dead on eye contact with my clippy tattoo

I think she is one of, if not THE, animal ever

Minotaurs

[Video of venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough standing amid vegetation.  On a near-horizontal branch above his head is a brown and yellow greater bird of paradise, about the size of a crow, with big floaty yellow plumage puffing out along its back.]

Bird:  Pwuk.  Pwuk. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  This, surely – Bird (hopping along the branch):  WUKWUKWUkwukwukwukoooh.  Oooh.  Oooh.

[Cut.  Same shot.]

Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  This, surely, is one – Bird:  Kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark kark. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  This, surely –

[Cut.  Same shot but the bird is on the other side now and venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough has his hand on the branch.]

Bird (hopping up and down on venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough’s fingers):  Eh-eh.  Eh-eh.  Eh-urrrr.  Eh-urrrr. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  Close up – Bird (hopping away from him):  Tiktiktiktik.  Tiktiktiktik. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – the plumes – Bird (hopping around):  Huek. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough: – are truly – Bird:  Huek. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – exquisite. Bird:  Huek.  Eh-eh. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  The gauzy – Bird (hopping and spinning on the spot):  HukWUKWUKWukwukoooh.  Oooh. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  …

[Cut.  Same shot but the bird is back on the original side of the branch.]

Bird:  Aark. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  Of course, by the eighteenth century – Bird:  Ehhh. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – naturalists realized that birds of paradise – Bird (hops across to the other side of the branch) Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – did have – Bird (hopping back again):  Krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – legs.  Even so – Bird:  WUKWUKWUKWukwukwukooh.

[Cut.  Same shot.] Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough (apparently trying to tickle the bird’s tummy):  – by about the eighteenth century – Bird (hops away and spins round) Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – and so – Bird:  AAAAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK AAAK aaak. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough (wearily):  …  Very well.

[Cut.  Same shot.]

Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – but Karl Linnaeus, the great – Bird (vibrating rapidly on the spot and then flapping its wings):  PWAAAAAAAK. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – classifier of the natural world – Bird:  AAAAAUUUH AAAUUUH AAAUUUH AAAUUUH AAAUUUH AAAUUUH AAAUUUH AAUUH. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – when he came to allocate a scientific name – Bird:  … Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – to this bird – Bird:  … Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – called it – Bird:  Wooo-ooo. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – wooo-ooo – Bird (surveys the surroundings with a dignified turn of the head) Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  ‘paradisia apoda’: the bird of paradise – Bird:  Hoooo. Venerable TV naturalist David Attenborough:  – without legs. Bird:  Eh-eh.

[Close-up of the bird.]

Bird:  WUKWUKWUKWUkwukwukwukwukoooh.  Ooh. Bird:  Ooh.

[Fade to black.]

Teaspoons absolutely bopping while dad tries to keep his shit together