“These New Romulans. “Oh, Vulcans Are The Worst, And Vulcans Ruin Everything, And Vulcans Try To

“These new Romulans. “Oh, Vulcans are the worst, and Vulcans ruin everything, and Vulcans try to take over your life.” It’s like, you know what, motherfucker? My First Officer is Vulcan. I know all of that. How do you know all of that?

I’m allowed to make fun of my First Officer. I asked him and he said yes. We’ve been working together for about three and a half years now and I signed up for the ship’s open mic night and, uh,–oh, thank you very much–and, uh, I love and respect my First Officer very much so I said to him, “Hey, we’ve been a command team for three and a half years” and he said, “We’ve been a command team for three years, seven months, eight days, fourteen hours and twenty-six minutes.” I said, “Do you mind if I make fun of you on stage?”

And my First Officer said, “Yes, I will permit you to perform humorous material about me on stage. But refrain from saying that I am a bitch and that you do not like me.” I was like, whoa, the bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That’s it? Also, I wouldn’t say that. What kind of show would that even be? “Hello! My First Officer is a bitch and I don’t like him!” That’s like a support group for officers in crisis, with keynote speakers Admiral Marcus and Admiral Komack. Also I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my First Officer is a bitch and I don’t like him. That’s not true. My First Officer is a bitch and I like him so much. He is a dynamite six foot Vulcan bitch and he’s the best.

He and I have totally different styles. When my First Officer beams down to a planet, he does not give a shit what anyone thinks of him in any situation. He’s my hero. When I beam down to a planet, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My First Officer said that beaming down with me is like beaming down with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

My First Officer and I went on a diplomatic mission. The negotiations weren’t going so well. I was afraid that the prime minister was gonna be mad at me, so we went to a banquet they were throwing. I’m talking to the prime minister with Spock–my First Officer’s name is Spock–he’s standing next to me. The prime minister introduces me to his daughter and he says, “Our planet would be proud to join the Federation if you would marry my daughter.” And I said, “I wish!” And then my First Officer said, “Illogical.” And fully walked away from me, walked all the way over to the drinks table and just stood there Blair Witch style. And I’m still talking to the prime minister and he goes, “Do you… Do you want to marry my daughter?” And I said, “No.” Even though I had just said it was my greatest wish in life. I was hoping that he believed me, that it was secretly my great wish and that I’m in an abusive secret relationship with Mister Illogical over here so I can’t ask for the things I want in public but on the ship at night we argue about it. And I’m like, “You’ll see! One day I’m gonna resign my commission and leave you and marry the prime minister’s daughter!” He’s like, “Illogical! You will never marry the prime minister’s daughter!”

My First Officer is Vulcan, as I said. I’m human. We have differences in our cultural upbringings and we realized this recently. Not with our kids, cause we don’t have any kids. People always ask us, “Are you gonna have kids?” And we say, “No.” And then they go, “Never? You’re never gonna have kids?” Look, I don’t know “never.” Seven years ago I got drunk and got into a fight with four guys the night before I signed up for Starfleet. Now I’m afraid to get a flu hypo. People change.”