The Many Gifts Of Paul F. Tompkins -

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

WITH NO ADIEU WHATSOEVER WE JUMP RIGHT INTO WHERE WE LEFTOFF LAST WEEK WITH KELSEY ON THE GROUND IN HYSTERICS AND AN AUSTRALIAN EMT WITH WORLD’S LONGEST BRAID COMING TO HER AID.

Kelsey is breathing heavily and sobbing so loudly she might attract the coyotes. The other women are looking around with vague concern, but most are wondering how much of this is theatrics and how much is reality. They agree that she is a master manipulator.

As the EMT is asking how much pain she’s in on a scale of one to ten, and Kelsey responds that she’s not in any pain. She is sitting upright with an oxygen mask and looking around with her milk-saucer sized eyes. Someone asks if there’s anyone she can get for her (because none of the women are coming to calm her down or care for her) and Kelsey responds, so coolly, “Chris.” And looks around with a glint in those murderous milk-saucer eyes.

The women agree that she’s using this to manipulate Chris to make sure she gets a rose. Kelsey herself calls that out saying to one of the EMTs, “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight!”

Uhhh, I mean yeah probably, but this is a LOT of rigmarole to lure a man into starting a magnificent journey of love with you.  Chris comes in and gives some empty words of encouragement to her. Kelsey tries to blame it on the fact that Chris sharing their conversation from earlier surprised her.

While Kelsey settles back in amongst the women, she appears right as rain and downright proud of herself for snagging some extra time with Chris. Every other woman is not only highly suspicious but super annoyed with this whole “wounded widow” act Kelsey is putting on. Ashley jokes to camera to make sure they have paper work on the whole “widow” thing because she could just be making that up. Trust me Ashley; I have thought the same thing. That girl is rehearsed like a high school production of “Our Town”.

We still have to get to a rose ceremony. What’s fun is that you can tell how much all the women are shivering out in the cold on the patio of this New Mexico resort. Jade gets called first, then Kaitlyn, now Megan, then Becca, next is Ashley, and the final rose goes to Kelsey. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT YES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT BUT NOOOOOOOOO.

This means the silent but alluring Samantha is going home as well as our twenty-one-year-old single mom Mackenzie. Oh Mackenzie, go home to Kale and begin to rebuild. You deserve so much better than Chris Soules. And Samantha, I mean, she wasn’t allowed to speak but have you SEEN HER? SHE’S DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. REBUILD, SAM, REBUILD! YOU WILL FIND A REAL CATCH BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT? YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THE TIDE POOLS OF FIJI AT SUNRISE!

Ugh. We say goodbye to those gals, and hop onto plains to Deadwood, South Dakota for the week. It is beautiful and grand and as much like the old frontier as you can get in America. “This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed. This is where Calamity Jane…did her business,” Chris tells us of historic Deadwood. Cool. Calamity Jane definitely did some business. That’s for sure, Chris.

The girls scream “Hello, Deadwood!” off the balcony of their Modest-Ass Suite. We had to yell “Hello, [Location]!!!” at some point, so why not in Deadwood, South Dakota I ask you?

Amidst all the nerves of the dreaded two-on-one that looms this week, Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Becca is beautiful and sweet, and thanks to editing, has been a dark horse up until this point. Kelsey is of course very displeased that she was not granted the highest honor of a one-on-one even though she EARNED IT.

Chris is excited for their date today, and he notes that Becca is the only remaining woman that he has not yet kissed. Becca is so beautiful and cute for this date in a little baggy sweater with black jeans action. Love it. Like her. They are going horseback riding! She’s super excited, and I would be too. There is just something that makes beautiful scenery viewed from horseback all the more majestic. Why is that?

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carly leads the discussion on what we don’t like about Kelsey. Now Carly, I love you girl, but this is a dangerous path on which you tread. It never pays to be the one to call someone else out on their shit. But with the encouragement of Kaitlyn and Whitney, when Kelsey sits down in the living room of the Modest-Ass Suite, Carly starts in.

Whitney opens up about her feelings about how uncomfortable it made her feel when Kelsey would randomly start laughing at the last rose ceremony which Kelsey flat out denies. Whitney diplomatically continues explaining how her actions on that night at the rose ceremony made her and the other women uncomfortable. Kelsey starts to cry as she explains just how emotionally vulnerable she was and how her thoughts were with Chris.

We move along from the rose ceremony drama to Carly flat out saying that what they see in Kelsey is very different from what Chris sees, especially regarding the way Kelsey can be so snide and mean with the other girls. I almost believe Kelsey when she tells them that she doesn’t know what they mean and is so sorry for having accidentally hurt their feelings.

Straight cut to her explaining to the cameras that she was “blessed with eloquence” and is “educated” and uses “big words” which intimidates the women. Yes, Kelsey, that’s it.  You’re just too smart. You’re too smart for all these other ninnies. This is the way to get ahead. Cut down all the other women down around you. She ends the talk by saying, “I’m really glad we had this conversation. I will really try to be more mindful.” And she ends her talking-head by saying that she didn’t go through all her “sh*t” to be defeated by petty women, oh no. “I came here to win,” she says.

Believe it or not, there’s still a date going on out there somewhere in South Dakota! Chris and Becca approach a little bonfire and couch set-up, about which Becca asks, “Is this for us?” If I had a donut for every time a woman on this show asked “is this for us?” about a blatantly obvious set-up for just two people on a date, I would easily have three bakers’ dozens of donuts. That’s 39 donuts.

Becca and Chris giggle a lot together and interview each other about their five year plans! WHAT FUN. WHAT A FUN DATE QUESTION. They talk about kids and other typical Bachelor crap like past relationships. Being able to open up to Chris is significant for Becca! She really wants Chris to kiss her now that they’ve grown closer. Chris gives her the rose through a fit of giggles and kisses her like she’s his grandma in church. But Becca comes back in for the kill and really hardcore macks him on the second try. Way to go girl.

Group date time! The women WANT to be on this card because if they aren’t, it’s the dreaded two-on-one. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan are on the group date. They breathe a sigh of relief as Kelsey and Ashley realize they are left on the two-on-one. Ashley is excited to be challenged with defeating Kelsey, while Kelsey feels like it’s just a one-on-one because he’ll send Ashley home right away.

For the group date, would you stretch your mind to believe that Chris is excited? The date card said, “Let’s make sweet music together,” so the women really hope they’re singing or dancing. Chris explains that he loves country music, and it’s a HUGE part of his life (yeah dude, Paul Simon’s a big part of mine but you don’t see me FORCING MY SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO LISTEN TO “ST. JUDY’S COMET” AND WEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME). They are going to be making some country music, and they’ll be helped along the way by Big and Rich. They are embarrassing to look at. Whitney is thrilled out of her mind. This is the duo that brought “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” to the dj’s of high school dances all around the country. So now you know how to find them and possibly destroy them. They must atone.

Carly is super excited to be part of this date as she is a singer herself. I hope that actually works in her favor because the girl or guy who is like, “THIS IS MY THIIIIING” on a date usually fades into the background while the underdog shines. The women peel off to start writing a song and wait for their consultation with Big and Rich. It’s so embarrassing to watch them pander to Big and Rich, and Big and Rich pretending to be cool with this whole situation and for the women to pretend to be excited about this. One of them, Big or Rich, whichever one looks like Tim Burton styled Tom Waits makes Jade run down the streets to free up her creative juices. The music is triumphant. I just….ugh.

Right as Jade is starting to feel confident about her song-writing skills, Chris walks in to have some very intimate time with Britt in the middle of the room with all the other women. He kisses her a bunch, and they were completely intertwined the whole time they were talking. The heat between the two of them is intense, while the general feeling in the room is chilly.

But let this Vaudevillian variety show of horrors begin! The women anxiously await their turn, but not to be outdone in embarrassment, Chris gets up and goes first with HIS song. He is accompanied by a grizzled old timey prospector on banjo. GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. HE’S NOT WEARING A RING! GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

Chris’s song rhymes and is about looking for a wife to bring home to Iowa. Seems about right. Next is Britt who is dressed just like Kelly Kapowski. Her song was really simple, and Chris says he almost cried during it. Like…what? Chris has boner goggles on for Britt and Britt alone. We see bits and pieces of everyone else’s songs. They’re mostly not great. Kaitlyn swears. But everyone gives it gusto. A for effort as they say. Carly’s song was intense and special because she sang it right to Chris as he sat next to her on the stage. Chris was really impressed with her lyrical content. Still love Carly.

Jade is wracked with nerves and is so sweet and timid up on stage. Her singing is not great, but she makes it through! She’s relieved to have merely survived.

They start the cocktail party with a toast to songwriting. The most notable thing about the party is that there is no rose present. Carly really, really wants the rose not just because she wrote a pretty song, but because in that song she opened up to Chris about how much she really feels for him. Everyone has their nice little chats with Chris, and then it’s time for Britt.

Chris explains the “weird chemistry” they have and how he doesn’t quite understand it yet. He then takes her hand and literally runs out of the bar with her saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Is it your dong on a silver platter, Chris? It might as well be.

Everyone else on the date notices their exit right away. Emotions run high. Whitney cries a bit as she tells us that, “It honestly feels like we’re on the Britt and Chris show.”

The pair runs across the bustling town of Deadwood to the Big and Rich concert where they dance and have a splendid time. When the duo calls Britt and Chris up on stage, Britt parades around in awe and wonderment. Tim-Burton-Tom-Waits makes Chris go get a little special something for Britt. And it’s the rose. So, was this for Britt all along? Or was this just that Chris would take whoever he wants to the show and then they would get the rose? Either way, I think this is shady. Not telling the other women what the rules are and changing them in a big way. Chris and Britt dance around on stage in wild abandonment.

Over an hour later, as the women are still sitting around speculating as to what could have happened with Chris and Britt, the happy couple walk back into the room. It falls into complete, stony silence. Britt has the rose and the stares at it burn.

Things are complex, and dealing with all those feelings would be tough, so Chris says, “PEACE OUT!” I’m not kidding. He says, “Obviously, you can see that Britt has the rose.” And then makes the flimsiest of excuses as to how he thought it would be easier that way because of the high stakes of the date? What? No. He doesn't even mention the concert. And he just leaves. He just leaves Britt to fend for herself in this group of women. Bye, Chris! You are not a good person! You are not a nice man!

“I’m sorry. I feel so awkward right now,” Britt squirms.

Carly is wiping away tears as Kaitlyn explains, “We can’t help but feel humiliated.” And Jade objects to getting any sympathy from Britt. One by one they all stand up to leave and cry. They are all distressed to be in a situation where the connection between Chris and Britt is so strong that they feel they don’t even stand a chance. Kaitlyn feels like all the ground she made with Chris today can’t make up for what he and Britt have. Whitney falls prey to "compare and despair", saying that it’s hard to feel confident in what you have when you see someone as gorgeous as Britt having what she has with Chris.

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS? It’s the Ultimate Show-Down Two-on-One. The most dramatic Two-on-One in Bachelor History. I believe it. Ashley literally says that she is Glenda the Good Witch and Kelsey is the Wicked Witch of the West. Ashley is here to take Kelsey down. Kelsey is here to be really rude about who Ashley is as a woman. Kelsey is dressed like a Kohl’s mannequin from 2006.

When the girls first got their date card, it mentioned the Bad Lands and Kelsey freaked out. She explained to Ashley that they were currently in the Black Hill Mountains, but the Bad Lands are something different. Kelsey understands these important things and what they mean. Others are just simple plebes with nothing to do but despair at her greatness of intellect and worldliness.

Chris, ever the ding-dong, explains that today will be tough for him. The trio hops right into a helicopter because the producers are finally GIVING US WHAT WE CAME FOR.  They see Mount Rushmore, and Kelsey condescendingly explains who the faces are. Yeah, we know. Ashley firmly believes that Kelsey’s strategy today is to drive her insane.

“Literally? With this? I just. Can’t. Even,” Ashley says. Amazing, incredible moments like these are what this show is all about.

The helicopter drops them off in the middle of nowhere in the Bad Lands. It is truly a canopied bed in the middle of this geographically significant part of the country. It looks like Dorne.

Ashley and Chris split off first. They start by doing some gross, sloppy kissing. Chris asks how Ashley’s doing, and she takes the opportunity to completely trash Kelsey. She says she is the outlier in the group, and they are suspicious of her strategic moves with Chris. Don’t throw anyone under the bus because it only makes you look like the villain. It never works out well.

Chris thanks her for telling him and emphasizes that he wants to make sure his future wife gets along with other people and can “gel” in social situations. And with that, they return to the canopy bed to trade Ashley out for Kelsey.

Using the baiting question of how Kelsey is doing in the house, Chris tries to pry information out of her. Kelsey right away says that as emotions run higher, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships with the other women he’s dating. Fair enough, but not to the point where everyone hates just one person and that one person is you, Kelsey.

She makes a speech of which I’m sure she’s very proud about how Chris needs to make sure that if he gets down on one knee, the woman he’s asking is ready to be a wife. But Kelsey is ready to be a wife because she’s been one. She says that. That is such a bizarre sentiment. Being “a wife” is different to different people and different relationships. That’s not like being a virgin and being a not. “Once a wife, always a wife” isn’t a thing.

Then Chris does what might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen someone on this show, or in life, do. He tells Kelsey that ASHLEY JUST TOLD HIM that the other women think she is fake. That the other women generally don’t like Kelsey very much. Kelsey is blind-sided and says she’s hurt. She ends their chat saying, “I would hate to lose all the potential there is between us because of girl talk.”

And then Kelsey starts walking back to the canopy bed of doom with poison in her eyes.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has WAY too much makeup on to be genuine,” Kelsey spits to camera. I mean, those are all true facts about Ashley, but Kelsey, your whole personality is such a production that of course they think you’re fake. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been married. I’ve lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And Ashley thinks she’s playing a game. And I’m not gonna forget that,” warns Kelsey.

Smash cut to Kelsey staring at Ashley with a look that can only be described as festering hatred. Kelsey looks at Ashley as though she is scalping the hair off her head and holding it high for all the Bad Lands to see. It’s straight up terrifying.

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says.

“What did I do?” Ashley snaps back.

“If you don’t remember your conversation with Chris then clearly it meant nothing to you,” retorts Kelsey.

Then Ashley starts firing off insults one after the other. And they’re good points, but she keeps saying “fricking” and “frigging” as filler, and it’s dulling their edge.

“Ok so I’m not from Pleasantville, but I’m from fricking two-thousand-fourteen,” she says, “You think you’re smarter than me because you use big words I can’t understand…You and I both have our masters degrees, and mines actually from someplace frigging good.”

But then Kelsey waits and says, “When I said last night that I was endeared to you and I respected you, I still mean that.”

“Ok,” Ashley says and then sulks away.

Yes, Kelsey, respect. That’s certainly what we’d call telling the camera that it’s time for Ashley to go home and play dress up just like she has for her whole life. Ah yes, the dress up she played in between getting an advanced degree? Woman can be more than one thing, Kelsey. They can be smart, and they can like makeup. They can wear pretty things and pursue higher learning. They can be specialized in a specific field but not have a huge vocabulary. There is no prescription for what it means to be a woman.

Ashley storms away to find Chris and starts sobbing to him about why on earth he told Kelsey what she said. Fair enough, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ONE WOMAN THE BAD THINGS A SPECIFIC OTHER WOMAN SAID ABOUT HER? HAS HE NEVER MET ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON BEFORE TO KNOW THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA? WHAT KIND OF BRAINLESS TIT THINKS THAT’S AN OK IDEA?

Chris does his best to comfort the sobbing Ashley, but his skills are incredibly limited. He’s not good at doing anything but farm, so it comes as no surprise that his comforting skills are minimal. To wit, he takes this opportunity to send Ashley home!

He says that ultimately their lifestyles are too different and that he and she are in different places in their lives. That’s true. Would Ashley really be happy living in the middle of nowhere Iowa? I don’t think so.

But Ashley decides to go down swinging. “Do you really think Britt wants that lifestyle? Do you really think Britt would fit into your life better than me?” she manages through sobs. Britt would not fit into Chris’s lifestyle. She’s a “waitress” in LA which means she’s trying to be an actress/model and last I looked, there weren’t too many modeling opportunities in Arlington, IA.

Ashley flies off the handle with dramatics and rejection-induced hysteria.  She storms away, and Kelsey smiles a smile that could kill a small animal. The women see Ashley’s suitcase leave and are crestfallen.

Chris approaches Kelsey on the Canopy Bed of Doom to tell her that Ashley left. Kelsey throws herself on him to comfort him and say, “It’s a loss.” But then the tide turns. Chris stutters and stumbles througha speech and manages to form the thought that he is going to have Kelsey go home too. THIS IS THE BEST.

Chris just doesn’t see it there between them. Kelsey is crying but says that it’s ok it isn’t her. Then Chris once again throws up the deuces and peaces out. Not literally, but he does get into a helicopter and flies away as the cameras cut to an INCREDIBLE shot of the two women on crying on different mounds of land in the Bad Lands looking up as the helicopter leaves. QUALITY STUFF.

Not only do we get that incredible shot, but we get to see the women explode in celebratory joy as they see Kelsey's suitcase ALSO picked up by a PA. They jump up and down and hug. Carly breaks open the pink champagne and everyone drinks in their delight. It's fun to watch them celebrate with abandon.

To conclude: Chris is not a nice guy and is stupid about how humans work! Next week we have a double feature on Sunday AND Monday nights. And would you believe that Monday night is already Hometowns? I surely cannot. I’ll see you there!

Henley Monday on Tuesday - 

Oh, it's that thing where...when it's a holiday on Monday...and so no one's at work and they don't need a hottie in a henley to pull them through the drudgery of their workday...so we post on Tuesday.

Hi guys. I saw Star Trek Into Darkness yesterday and boy was it good, but perhaps more importantly Chris Pine's face and hair were GREAT. I mean just really, standing ovation, beautiful, amazing, incredible performance there.

So here's some more Chris Pine looking A+ with a little bed head messy hair and a crisp, white henley. Set phasers to STUN ME WITH YOUR ICY BLUE GAZE, AM I RIGHT?

Henley Monday - I, for one, have started to look forward to these times together.

Like I said last week, Winter really is coming.  Of course, we first need to get through the brisk days of Fall, so Penn Badgley here demonstrates three dashing ways to effectively layer the henley.

He keeps out the cold. Our hearts melt. Monday afternoon goes by just a little easier...It's a winning situation any way you look at it.

The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Recap

     Weeeeeeeee! It’s time for some man gossip and fighting and horrible people getting together in one group! This season had more than a few bad eggs and a few really good eggs too.

Chris Harrison is dapper as ever. My love for this man is profound and deep. I really hope he’s ok going through his divorce while hosting a show about finding love. I will counsel you, Chris! I will sit in an ornate throne and give you advice!

     We kick off with Emily and Chris having a little gab sesh about the highlights of the season. It is all about Ricki. As it should be. But then it quickly turns to profiling the biggest pitfalls of Ryan, Kalon, and poor Humble Doug. It hurts even worse to watch Doug give the mid-breakup kiss once again.

Things are getting off to a slow start as we’re still recapping the season and not down to the nitty gritty yet! But I shouldn’t complain too much because they show some excellent deleted scenes. Emily spilled some wine and swore; Travis and Emily sang Shelly the Egg to bed. I’m peeing my pants. WHAT?!?! TRAVIS! TOO MUCH! Travis is seriously so funny, and I wish they had shown more of his antics.

Arie’s twin (SQUEE) brothers were Disney-channel-style spying on Arie and Emily kissing.

Chris is the absolute worst dancer of all time, and Emily makes a bet with Chrarrison to do the “running man” dance move on the After the Final Rose special…which leads me to believe that she’s happy enough to do the running man. So hopefully the finale won’t end in tragedy as they’re leading us to believe.

Then we get an incredibly dramatic preview of the Bachelor Pad. I’m skipping this. Sorry folks, no energy to recap that hedonistic descent into madness. I will say however that Chris Bukowski is a doucheface of epic proportions. I can’t wait to watch.

    My DVR marks minute 30 when we begin the actual men-telling portion of the men tell all. Oh my gosh, Sean is a dreamboat. He is precious, and the ladies go crazy just at the sound of his name.

Guys, let me be honest right now that recapping this is really difficult because the show itself is a bunch of clips recapping the whole season. Doug was a center for drama; Kalon sucks ass; Ryan is a cocky dweeb with jizz hair whose exit the men celebrate. These are things we know to be true.

We have the maturity conversation with Chris being 25 once again. Chris and Ryan spar a little and actually, Ryan is kind of in the right. What he wants to say is that Chris is easily offended, Ryan has more confidence, and that at the end of the day, maturity didn’t matter because none of them ended up with Emily. These are things we know to be true!

Oh god, I totally forgot about Stevie the party MC you guys. He’s such a dweebus.

We have Kalon up in the hot seat now for the real good stuff. Chris Harrison deals with him in the best way. Basically saying, “You were being an ass and there are better ways to say things than how you say them, you ass.” KALON ISN’T EVEN SORRY FOR SAYING “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m finished.” He has learned nothing from this and never will. Boo hiss.

   Oh my gosh. Sean is a dream man. Here is what he says to Kalon re: baggage, “If you truly want to win a woman’s heart and ultimately find love, you love the woman and embrace every part of her. Part of Emily is Ricki.” Oh my gosh. What a mensch.

                            Ryan is next up on the hot seat.  We recap some of his best and worst moments. My favorite is when he used the word “neat.” Ryan has become a few shades deeper orange and fixed his jizz hair, but still has that terrible Seneca Crane beard. He’s a mess. He just keeps running his mouth and everyone is groaning in agony.  HE FOUND HIS JOURNAL THE OTHER DAY! His journal that he was so excited to maybe finding his wife. And Chris calls bull shit. “That’s poetic and all! But Emily is the Bachelorette! You have to fall in love with her!” and not some random woman.

Straight up: Ryan believes there is no chance whatsoever that he is an arrogant ass.  And Chrarrison puts everyone’s minds at ease that as far as Ryan becoming the next Bachelor, “not gonna happen.” Chris is just basically laughing at Ryan the whole time. I love you, Chrarrison.

It is Chris Bukowski’s turn on the hot seat. I have not missed his eagle beak one bit. He does stand by the fact that he “loved that girl 110%” which is actually okay by me. I don’t dislike the guy for being in love with a girl; I dislike him for having a kind of false arrogance and immaturity. He really isn’t mature enough yet. I think he’s in the middle of growing into the man he’ll become still. I also appreciate that he only has good things to say about Emily and the experience. That’s good of him. But he looks like he’s a real dumbass on the Bachelor Pad so we’ll see how much he really grew.

         Finally (finally, right? This thing has been dragging) we bring Sean up to the hot seat. Dear, wonderful, lovely Sean. I would like to call back the fact that I predicted he’d get really far when he was getting a lot of screen time the first few episodes without having any Emily time. It’s because he’s such a HUNK. A sad hunk. A heartbroken hunk. He’s still in the throes of getting over Emily because this is baby’s first heartbreak. Truly. He’s never had his heart broken before. I will help you mend, Sean-28. I know you have a long list of volunteers, but I am officially submitting my name to that list.

Emily comes on stage! Holy red dress with giant boobs! Tony ran up to hug her. Weird. I feel so bad that she calls out that it’s good to see Sean. He still wants her back! OH GOSH! THE PAIN! Emily opened a lot of eyes to the world of love, apparently. Chris and Sean both thank her for this. This woman is like a superhero.

    OH SHIT! Kalon tries to apologize to Emily and say that he will grow from this experience and she just goes, “And you, my dear, should be a politician because that is the biggest load of bullshit.” She is so awesome. She just tears him up and shuts him down. “I just pray that you find hope in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.” I love her. High fives for everyone.

It’s bloopers time, bitches! Lots of wind antics blowing things over,the men go streaking through the woods, lots of nakedness, and lots of falling down on Vespas. I laughed a lot, please go to the internet and find the full reel.

Ok, so that wraps up a rather dull Men Tell All for what was a pretty dramatic season. The finale will be dramatic and romantic and full of lone shots of Emily walking and looking pensieve. We’ll see you next SUNDAY for the epic finale of this journey to find real love. PS – Jef said, “I just want to hold her hand ‘til I’m one hundred and ten.” And I cried one perfect, singular tear. FOR LOVE!

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

     Tallyho! Pip, pip old mates, The Bachelorette and her man-harem have arrived in jolly London Town, they ‘ave, they ‘ave! Let us take our swim across the pond and see the drama and romance in store for us this week… and find out to whom Emily says GTFO!

The Maynard senior and junior are abso-tute-ly precious traveling about town and doing amazing tourist things that I so badly want to do. The gentlemen gather in Trafalgar Square to get the low-down for the week from Chris Harrison or “Chrarrison” as I like to say.

               The first date card is waiting in the suite and it’s going to Sean – 28! “Love takes no prisoners” so I’m guessing Tower of London, but he’s clueless. Jef is jealous! He really wants alone time, and I think the same thing about him and his pumped up kicks. Whither, King Jef of the Elves? Kalon is pissy that things aren’t going exactly as planned and that he has no control. Foreshadow?

Emily and Sean-28 are going on a double-decker bus tour, so Sean makes a London calling joke while “London Calling”-ish plays and immediately stands up on the bus to say “HELLO, LONDOOON!” Thanks for that, Sean-28. The two of them apprehensively announce to each other the sights they’re seeing because apparently the show couldn’t swing a real tour guide for the date? Come on, ABC. Also, you can tell Emily has a cold, but she’s all smiles and charm. These two are precious Aryan Angels.

            Back to the hotel suite and the dramatic violins, Kalon is being a terd once again. To Jef and Arie he says, “You gotta remember that if you become a part of her life, pretty much any day is gonna be a group date. It’s gonna be you, her, and Ricki.” Jef is PISSED and comes to Emily’s defense and calls Kalon a dick, and I rewound that part a couple times to hear him be a gallant goblin prince.

Emily and Sean come upon Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Roped in by the crazies, Sean starts professing about love and it’s so weird. He once again finds a way to talk about his family. He is really hot though, so he gets a pass for now.

For the “meal” the two arrive at the Tower of London! I knew it! Emily’s almost completely lost her voice. Their tour guide is a charming beefeater, but for real, the Tower of London is kind of creepy. I don’t think it’s an ideal date place. King Henry’s home is no temple to love, yo.

The group date card comes to the hotel suite and reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And there is a collective, “Buh….what?!” from the moronic imbeciles apparently vying for Lady Emily’s affections. Someone, Alejandro I think, pipes in with, “I think that was Shakespeare.” YA, DOI! Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, and Kalon are on the group date. Kalon is royally ticked to be grouped in.

Back in the Tower of London, Emily puts Sean-28 through the “are you ready to be a father” gauntlet right away. He passes with flying colors because from betwixt their medieval goblets, Emily plucks the rose and pins it to Sean’s ready lapel. Within view of the Tower Bridge, they make out a little which I have to advise against based on how sick she sounds.

So the MISCREANTS who don’t know that MEGA-FAMOUS Shakespeare quote get to go to Stratford-upon-Avon for the group date. We finally acknowledge that Emily is ill and reveal the date will consist of them acting out scenes from “Romeo and Juliet” here in Shakespeare’s birthplace while he does barrel rolls in his grave. I take a large swig of wine at this point. Buckle up, kids.

The guys have to audition for the three representatives of the Shakespeare Birth Place Trust. They are freaking out. We’re mercifully shown the auditions in a montage; they are the worst. Kalon is taking it extremely seriously and is “not surprised” when they announce him as one of the Romeo’s. “I was born to play this role,” he smirks. I swig more wine. Arie and Doog are playing the nurse. YAY!!! THIS WILL BE SO FUNNY FOR US!

              Rehearsal is just watching dumb men rehearse Shakespeare, and many of them literally have no idea what they are saying. Kalon is feeling so competitive, and he says, “You can run along,” to Emily so they can rehearse. “Kalon needs to realize he is not on Broadway. Kalon needs to lighten up.” Amen! This lady can PREACH!

I want a gif of Arie prancing in his tights. Someone! Get me that gif!

Doogie as the nurse is kind of hilarious, and I appreciate his willingness to make bold choices. I also appreciate how willing Arie is to be a total doof, even though he was piss-pants nervous. He can do no wrong for Emily; she’s totally enamored of him.

              Ryan is so excited to kiss a dead Juliet-Emily, and is being real creepy. He also keeps talking about Arie when he talks about kissing Emily. And Arie, in his wig and bustier, smugly knows that, “Dude, it’s a play. You’re not actually kissing her.” Emily shakes her head and is grossed out.

“That stage kiss? That was the best part of my acting because I made it seem real…because it kinda was.” Oh my gosh, Ryan. OH MY GOSH.

               Arie and Emily steal away at the pub to have their beautiful alone time. They like each other so much! But again, I have to advise against the kissing because Emily might have strep throat!

You guys, I just figured out who Ryan reminds me of. He reminds me of Jason Stackhouse from True Blood except he doesn’t have the redeeming charm and loving heart that Jason does. Like Jason would totally say, “In my experience, when a girl tells you you’re trouble, and she smiles when she says it, maybe she wants to get in trouble.” He pulls out a pretty necklace with a turquoise pendant for her. She and I are genuinely surprised that it’s so simple, sweet, and thoughtful. But it could just be his game.

Kalon is still in a prissy huff. “Yeah, I’ll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her,” he snaps at Chris. Seriously dude, if that’s how you feel, why are you here? What are you wasting your extraordinarily precious time for?

It looks like Chris is the one who lets the “baggage” cat out of the bag to all the men. They, and I, are steaming mad. It isn’t until Dooglas hears about it that things take a turn for the worse. He is rolling up his sleeves as he makes Kalon fess up to calling Ricki baggage. Which he does. Readily. And he’s “not gonna apologize for it.” Oh, s**t, y’all. This is worse than I thought.

           Doogie immediately tells Emily about it, and I champion his decision. We can see the fury light up within Emily as she tries to think of “the most ladylike, the most graceful way” to kick Kalon’s sorry ass out of the United Kingdom and her life forever. “I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” she says, “I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.” GO EMILY! DO IT! I’m really sad this situation presented itself, but this is the most lively we’ve seen our girl yet.         

She rips off her jacket as they go out into the crowd, and Doug puts Kalon on the spot. She doesn’t allow Kalon to interrupt her and then goes, “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m done. I got that line from you.” WOW. THAT IS AWESOME. SUCKER, PLEASE! She slams down on the table the fact that his own mom was a single mother, and he can’t even string together three words that aren’t coated in horse s**t.  So she tells him to GTFO and shuts down the conversation. WaBAM!

                       But I feel so bad for her because she needed to just walk away. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of righteous anger. She doesn’t hand out the rose and goes home to be with Ricki.

She’s really angry that no one said anything to her about it, but someone did. Doug did. Doug came and told her as soon as he found out. Maybe she’s more upset that the people who heard it firsthand didn’t say anything sooner, but I’m not sure. I think she’s still fuming and maybe just needs to cool off a lot. Here’s to hoping her date with Jef is a romantic swoon-fest to lift us all out of this luxury-brand consultant scented funk.

                 Jef wants to assure Emily that he will be there for her and is so excited to spend time with her. Rude, Jef. Don’t forget about me. They’re having afternoon tea which he is dressed for because his suit coat has elbow patches on it. Oh, except…not tea time, just an etiquette lesson with an old British lady. Jef gets bummed out that Jean the etiquette teacher is hijacking his one-on-one time! Jean is really hijacking this date too and taking it all seriously. To Jef’s point she is “really, really, really thorough.” He wants Jean to get out of his high-king hair.

               They run out on tea, and Jef hijacks the date to the pub where he orders them fish and chips and beers. He wants to tell Emily that he stood up for her, and “always will stand up for her”. He is so charming, really just a great guy. I WANT ONE. WHERE IS MY SEXY ELVIN KING?! OH MY GOD. HE JUST SAID “If Ricki’s baggage, she is a Chloé handbag that I want to have forever,” AND THEN MY HEART EXPLODED INTO SPARKLY CONFETTI.

Jef really does seem to feel strongly for Emily, but she is wary that she can’t read him and doesn’t know how he feels. She is gunning for that kiss on their date tonight. Gunning for it.

They change into sexy cocktail attire and have a special dessert date for two on the London Eye. That’s some real romatical ish, y’all. Jef is excited to take their relationship to the next level which is something a seventeen year-old says, but he’s so sexual that it’s ok.  He assures Emily that he will never lie to her. And now it’s raining on their London Eye-ball.

          Side note: they are creeping higher in the sky and their desserts (it appears to be a kind of trifle) remain utterly untouched. They didn’t touch a single bite of their trifle!

Okay Jef wants to have dancing and singing parties with Ricki and Emily, again, I die. She gives him the rose for always making her feel like a special lady. In the words of Bill Murray’s titular Bob in “What About Bob?” Gimme, gimme, gimme! I need! I NEED!

The build up to their kiss is so awkward. Very high school. He prefaces it. But then they kiss, and she is rull into it. Rull, rull into kissing that Elf King. Seriously, he is one of the good ones.

            The tension is high as we go into the cocktail party. Emily is in a sleek one sleeved deep blue dress, and she is hitting hard with the questions. She’s basically just grilling the guys as to why they didn’t stand up for her. Even perfect Arie was put under fire, and he’s a little nervous.

                   Ryan is the living worst wearing a scarf with his suit and brings her out to a stairwell balcony. He has a plan. He always has a plan. He is reading the Romeo monologue to her. I want to punch him.  He translates it for her because she’s not a human who understands words. She likes him! She actually likes him! I mean she says she’s mad at herself about it and she’s keeping an eye on him. But oh my word, he is slime.

She has a great chat with Sean, and they kind of slow dance together. It’s sweet, and they’re cheesy but in a non-disgusting way.

                 Chrarrison arrives and the bells toll to signify the end of the road for a sad one of the bachelors. She calls Doog first for obvious reasons. Oh my gosh, we’re getting down to the wire, and Arie’s name still hasn’t been called. It’s down to Alejandro and Arie! This can’t be!

In the end, I am heaving an enormous sigh of relief that Arie is sticking around, while Alejandro is out of the pack. He seems like a sweet man, but a little young for Emily. I’m sure he’ll have no problem finding a wonderful woman to share his life with. Back to the mushroom farm, for now though, Ale-ale-jandro.

              This whirlwind of an episode draws to a close. We had high romance and high drama. And next week they are off to Dubrovnik, Croatia which I bet only half the men can find on a map. There is kissing shot upon kissing shot and then Arie is kissing her against an ancient wall and I get the vapors. But there is trouble on the Adriatic with one gentleman who is “in it to win it, and Emily is the trophy.” Gee, I wonder who in the world is so competitive and would say a think like that. *Cough* Ryan *Cough* Arie makes a confession, and Emily storms out of the rose ceremony!  Only time will reveal all, dear readers, so until next time, keep on the journey.

We're having a slight delay on this week's recap due to technical and personal (mental) problems! Please enjoy this video of Tom Hiddleston singing and talking about Captain Hook to tide you over.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Do you guys think that when humans look back on our civilization hundreds of years from  now they'll find dozens of recaps about a show that purported be all about true love but was really about exploitation and the lengths people will go to for fame and ultimately feel really ashamed of our indulgence? No? Me either. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE!

The world traveling kicks off this week with everyone heading to Atlantic City. Let me tell you, their feigned excitement over visiting such an exotic locale is through the roof! They try really hard to make Atlantic City not look like the dated, bizarre hell-hole that it is, but a roller coaster on a rainy boardwalk can only entice one’s desire to travel to Atlantic City so much.

 “MAN THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. IT’S BASICALLY LIKE LAS VEGAS ON THE OCEAN,” Kasey yells.

The first one-on-one date is going to Brad, the one with the kid and an addict ex-wife. This will be interesting because we haven’t seen much of him other than when he told her that sordid bit of his past.

As James and Mikey voice over how they think Brad is a nice guy but maybe too quiet for Des, the couple have a blast going on all the rides on the boardwalk. Brad does seem a little quiet, but maybe that’s what Desiree needs. I don’t know; I’m not her.

She and Brad get to tour a candy factory without hairnets or any other sanitary gear. After visiting the taffy room, Des whispers that she smells chocolate. “Where’s the chocolate?” she urgently whispers again. Well, they find it! It’s like a sterile and un-beautiful Willy Wonka! They just dive right in and grab chocolate covered pretzels off the conveyor belt. I’m concerned about the health standards at this factory.

High from their glassed-in prison, Bryden and Zak W. (and Ben but I hate him) spy on what they think are Desiree and Brad on the boardwalk.

“This is a disaster,” Zak sighs, exasperated, “Especially on a carousel! Things always happen on a carousel.” Do they, Zak W.? What kinds of things always happen on carousels? On the Bachelorette Emily and Arie made out once, and one time there was a haunted carousel in the feature length made-for-tv “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” movie, but those are the only two things I can think of that have happened on carousels.

Regardless, Zak W. is upset and becoming a little obsessively psycho about Brad on this date.

Wow. Check out the sick ass sandcastle of love they get to lounge in. It’s pretty impressive and probably super cold. They have a pleasant but vague exchange.

God I feel like the dates this season have six bajillion parts. They have their dinner at yet another location, this time a lighthouse. Desiree is unsure if at this point Brad’s good qualities are translating into a connection. I’m unsure at this point if Brad likes girls.

Between many awkward pauses filled by drinking wine, the conversation is strained. It’s uncomfortable to watch them be so uncomfortable. Even after climbing to the top of an historic lighthouse that should be a romantic lookout point, the two have nothing to say to each other. Ok, Des, please, cut the cord.

She does. Des cuts the cord. AT THE TOP OF THE LIGHTHOUSE. They are trapped up there together. Brad is getting dumped in a room from which his only escape is a tiny, tiny door in the floor. Poor guy. He is a sweet accountant who will make another woman very happy.

Group date time, y’all! Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris will be trying become Desiree’s “Mr. Right.” Brooks describes Des as a unicorn. Drew is still super duper cute.

Everyone gathers in the gymnasium of Boardwalk Hall to meet with Chrarrison and the current Miss America, who hails from New Jersey. Boardwalk Hall is where the first Miss America pageant took place 90 years ago, so for the date these boys will be competing in their very own all male revue in a Mr. America pageant! I love this. I love when they are forced into frivolity and peacocking.

Guys. Guys. Guess what Michael G. says. You’re never going to guess. It’s better than anything I could make up that he says in reaction to this date. He says, “As a young kid, I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. And that’s all you could ask for out of life.” WOW! HE DEFINITELY LIKES GIRLS NOT BOYS!

World famous pageant coach (I’m not sure those words can technically be used together truthfully) Christopher Dean sashays onto the scene to also help the guys prepare for the pageant. This show is such a gift to me and my life.

The first task to take care of is choosing a talent for everyone, AND JUAN PABLO GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BATON AND STARTS TWIRLING AND TOSSING IT. LIKE, JP IS REALLY GOOD AT BATON TWIRLING. ¡DIOS MIO!

More and more antics ensue. Drew accurately describes the proceedings as a “hodge-podge of tomfoolery.” Bless, Drew. Bless. Additional blessings unto Drew for deciding that he will recite Romeo’s famous monologue from “Romeo and Juliet.”

As a final twist, Mr. Dean reveals that there will also be a swimsuit competition. The guys have preassigned swimsuits; some are trunks, some are speedos. When asked how Juan Pablo feels about his speedo he replies, “I FEEL GREAT!” I can’t handle my amor for this total goon.

The audience is assembled, the stage is set, Chrarrison is in his best hosting suit, and it’s time to get this dog and pony show on the road. Miss America Valerie Hagan, Mayor Lorenzo Langford, and Desiree shall be the judges presiding over this most presitigous affair.

Kasey is first up in the interview portion. His question is “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Boring! So is his response! Most of the questions are weird like “would you be water or fire?” or “what animal would you be and why?” These are the kinds of questions my friends and I ask each other on road trips, fun, but not the kind of thing I care to know about Zak W.

Chris is starting to shine very brightly here. He stumbles through his response but is charming and adorable the whole time. He also would not part with his strappy pink high heels earlier while practicing.

Um, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter? So. Yeah. Way to be upfront with me about that JP. Like, I’m going to forgive you but I need you to not disclose such important details to me during a mock beauty pageant.

Mikey tries to say that women just see men as bodies and can’t see that they are real people. Yeah, Mikey, I’d say WOMEN are definitely the worst perpetrators of the objectification of the opposite gender. You MEN really have to struggle with being seen as a piece of meat.

TALENT SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIME! Kasey comes out in red pants to tell a terrible story and do some equally terrible tap dancing.

Mikey, who recently berated women for objectifying him, does a strip tease. He takes off his clothes for his talent. His abs are his talent. ABS AREN’T A TALENT, MIKEY.

Brooks hurts my ears with a made up song on a ukulele that he cannot play.

Ben ribbon dances without a shirt; Drew reads that monologue from a script and I silently deduct points for not memorizing; darling Chris does some hula hoop tricks in the aforementioned pink high heels; Bryden regales us with another strip tease.

And then, a funny thing happens. Zak W. sings pretty well and plays guitar to a nice, simple song he wrote. Is he Bob Dylan? No. Was it sweet? Yes. Does he still have crazy eyes? YES.

Then we watch a handful of the guys prance around in swimsuits. Mikey does that creepy peck flex thing that male strippers do. I do not get to see Juan Pablo in a speedo. I am greatly upset by this. But Drew is surprisingly cut.

After much (minimal) deliberation, the results are in! Brooks is our second-runner up, followed by Zak W. And the winner of the whole crown is…Kasey? I guess. Seems pretty arbitrary. He gets a giant dopey crown, flowers, and a sash.

After the pomp of the pageant, Desiree plans a pool party for her posse! So much chill fun. Chris snags her away first to show her his more serious, not high heel wearing side.

Oh my gosh. He writes poetry. Don’t make fun of him guys. He went through some tough times with baseball, so he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. If he wasn’t so cute I would murder him for this confession, but he is precious. Des is super into it too, for she does the same thing!

HE READS ONE. HE READS ONE ABOUT THE DATE ON TOP OF THE HOTEL. IT ALL RHYMES. OH. MY. GOD. HIS POEMS ALL RHYME!!!!

Back at the other pool, Bryden hates Ben a whole awful lot. His hatred is so fierce that it makes me like Bryden more. Ben decides to have his one-on-one time with Desiree right in front of all the guys which sends them up the walls.

Des is completely taken by him though. She totally digs the fact that he wears a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I mean, look, wear a necklace with your son’s thumbprint but don’t try and play it like you “tried to show it to her during your talent” when your talent was RIBBON DANCING.

Zak W. uses his time to play the rest of his song based on his experience on the Bachelorette. I want to hate it, but it’s actually not terrible. He just really wants a rose. He gets the rose!

Chris is bummed that he didn’t get it, but he’ll be fine. He’s too cute to send home yet. Bryden didn’t get any one-on-one time with Des, which is weird for him and me. That’s unusual.

Has anyone heard more than two words from Zak K? Who is that guy? He’s a beefy book publisher. That’s all I got.

James is excited for his date. His bags are packed, but his hair is gelled in hopes that he’ll earn a rose. They are going on a helicopter ride, but this isn’t your typical Bachlorette helicopter ride. They are going to tour some of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore. That should be a fun and sexy time for them, yes?

The destruction is intense. It’s real people’s lives that have been affected here, so I can’t make light of that.

What I can make light of is that as they’re touring Seaside Heights from the ground, they walk past the actual “Jersey Shore” house. I would know that shack of doom anywhere, and that is the real deal.

The Red Cross guide takes James and Des to meet a real couple in the process of rebuilding. They’re in their sixties and true New Jerseyians. The woman is so excited to meet Desiree from the tv! They are just lovely, and their story really affects Des and James.

We find out that Manny and Jan had to spend their wedding anniversary in a Red Cross shelter right after the worst of the storm. With that in mind, Des and James “decide” (are coerced by producers) to give their fancy date to this sweet couple so they can properly celebrate their marriage.

Instead of dinner in a gaudy Atlantic City ballroom, Des and James grab some food at a dive bar. That food is probably terrific, and I would prefer that as a date anyways.

James tells Desiree that he cheated on a girlfriend he dated for five years during his freshmen year of college. I appreciate that he’s being honest; I would want to know that. But at the same time, that was almost ten years ago for this guy, and what person didn’t make beyond stupid, awful, dumb-dumb decisions their freshmen year of college? I’m not forgiving what he did, but I’m saying it probably doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad person now. Turns out Desiree agrees with me.

Back in Atlantic City, Manny and Jan are presented with their wedding photo album that was ruined in the flooding. They have a letter from a volunteer saying they helped to restore the photos in that album. They’re crying looking at it. I’m crying looking at them. It’s a very nice gesture! True love is real!

Here’s a link to the American Red Cross website. I give $20 a month, and I really don’t make much. But every time something like Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon bombings, and any other disaster happens, I’m glad to know I can help people like Manny and Jan. Also it’s tax deductible if that’s a thing that means something to you.

And then there’s a private concert for James, Des, Manny, and Jan from Darius Rucker. If it was Hootie and the Blowfish I might get excited but it’s not so I’m not.  Oh yeah and James gets the rose.

Going into the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Bryden is feeling uncertain. He’s not sure his feelings for Desiree are where they should be, nor hers for him. He even tells the guys he’s not sure if he would accept a rose if he was offered one.

In order to stake his claim for a rose, Michael has designed a grand gesture. He writes out D-E-S-I-R-E-E and with each letter tells her a reason why he likes her. It’s an acrostic poem of love. Kill me. They share a lukewarm kiss.

Bryden has his talk with Desiree. She tries to reassure him and give him the confidence that she does want him there. Bryden is still doubtful and hasn’t made a decision. I respect him for being honest, though, that he isn’t necessarily head over heels for a girl he’s been on one real date with.

Tonight, there is only one guy who won’t be receiving a rose. But who knows what Bryden will do. What’s to become of this?! Here goes nothing. She calls out Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablito, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, and then she calls out Bryden and he accepts. And the final rose goes to Mikey. Zak K. our stoic but beefy book publisher is going home.

He’s actually really eloquent and seems perfectly nice. What the hell, producers? Why didn’t you even show him more? Whatever, she’s got enough guys to deal with as they travel onward to Munich. It looks like some of the building tension will boil over in Deutschland, and I cannot wait. Auf wiedersehen, my friends!

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

    After spending several weeks at home and abroad with this gaggle of men, surely I’m not the only who recognizes that they are perhaps not the brightest  group of individuals. So this week in Prague, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to find out it is indeed a part of Europe, and no, it’s no longer Czechoslovakia. Regardless, I’m sure the romance quotient will be high, so let’s move onwards toward the mackin’ and the fightin’ in the final episode before home towns!

              Prague is picturesque and gorgeous as Emily voices over the classic Bachelorette shots of her walking around alone looking pensive. The men arrive to meet Chrarrison in a square on foot as they find out that this week there will be three one-on-ones and one group date. With home towns looming, the stakes are higher than ever.

Arie has the first one-one-one where they’ll “Czech out Prague together”. Good pun but another boring walk around the city date? I don’t miss the Fear Factor style dates from Ben’s season, but can we do something more special? I guess the occasion is special enough for Emily to bust out her glittery formal shorts though.

             They wander about and kiss and do touristy things that will bring you luck in love just like in all the other cities. But Emily is questioning his loyalty because she knows something personal about him that he doesn’t know she knows. Secrets, secrets that they let us know in the previews…

WHY ABC? WHY, PRODUCTION TEAM? Why did we decide that having Chris Harrison give a short monologue in front of the Bachelor Mansion about Arie’s “brief past relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie [no relation] Lambert” was the best idea?! We get the key information, but at what cost?

           Cassie told Emily all about it, and we caught that conversation on camera. Emily is less upset that they actually dated and more upset that Arie hasn’t even acknowledged that he knows this woman who has become pretty close friends with Emily during the show. “It’s not a production thing; this is a real life thing. I know something about Arie that he’s not telling me,” is how she boils it all down.

Back on the date, Emily is grilling Arie about loyalty and trustworthiness to see if she can bring it out of him. Having seen enough sitcoms to know, playing games around it will never work. She needs to just be “upfront and honest, almost too honest” as Arie himself says.

Oh my gosh, nooooo. No more weird Chris Harrison monologues from the too-sunny Bachelor Mansion! But I guess they HAVE TO because Arie, Emily, and Cassie all had “a very honest discussion about the relationship…OFF CAMERA” (emphasis mine). Ok, I get it that these are real people’s lives and emotions we’re dealing with but those same people also agreed to “find love” through a TELEVISED SHOW. Emily and Arie both come to agree that the relationship was so brief that it didn’t matter and still doesn’t affect how much those two want to bang.

They have a lovely river boat cruise and are all lovey-dovey with each other about the whole misunderstanding. Do I even need to tell you that they don’t eat any food and kiss a lot? They don’t, and they do.

         The next one-on-one date will go to JohnWolf. He’s the last remaining guy to not have a one-on-one and is very relieved to receive a date card reading “in Prague, all you need is love.” Chris is livid that he isn’t getting a date, but doesn’t want to lose his cool in front of the guys even though it is “killing him inside.” Take it easy, Chris.

Arie and Emily are cruising along already talking about how excited Arie is for her to meet his family. Then he drops the bomb! He says, “Can I tell you something?...I’ve just been thinking a lot about all of this and you...Actually, Croatia did it for me. I think that’s why I love Croatia so much. I think I realized that I love you.” And their heads get closer and closer together. And she is just beaming joy. It is a game changer. They watch fireworks over the city and the river together. Watch out, boys. Arie-man is in town for good.

                              JohnWolf gets his very first date with our Bachelorette. He is wearing light blue pants. They’re on an architecture cruise with no tour guide (WHY) and walk around the city. They come upon the John Lennon wall and Emily gives a kind of plain and simple explanation about it and freedom vs. communism and music? I don’t know. Then they do this thing where they write names on a lock and lock it to this fence to solidify love. That seems a little soon. But no matter, John and Emily had a hard time closing the lock which is a terrible omen they both agree.

Arie, back in the harem, brings up exactly what I was just thinking of poor, dear JohnWolf. “He is fighting an uphill battle,” Arie tells a pensive crowd. John is having a first date the day after Arie felt strongly enough about this woman to say that he loved her. It’s just not a contest he’s going to be able to win.

Of course, Chris is being a whiny little princess that he can’t spend time with Emily. He’s sick of the process and just goes to make himself a drink. He’s lucky the view from his sad window is spectacular.

               So, someone on the production team thought it would be a hoot for John and Emily to have their dinner in a dungeon, an ancient, cold, damp dungeon. Perfect. Almost as perfect for romance as the Tower of London. Keep in with the torture theme, John tells the story of his last love and how he was spurned. His girlfriend disappeared for three days and cheated on him “with some doctor dude.” Emily feels bad about this like any normal human would, but you can sense her having the mothering sympathy for him rather than girlfriend sympathy. She did this with brain-injury Charlie, Nate (the guy who cried in the cave), and poor Travis. Not a good sign for Wolfie. Despite sitting on opposite sides of the settee, they share a wee kiss.

                    The group date card comes in for Sean, Doug, and Chris. Chris is maaaad, but I am thrilled because that means more solo Jef time! John coming home from the date sparks something inside Sean to go running through the streets of Praha calling Emily’s name to find her. He wanders about and finally finds her down a long covered street. She is happy to see him and lights up looking at him there on that street. They grab a beer in a random café. For my money, that would be the perfect date in Prague, not some dungeon. It pays off for Sean too as they make-out in there and on the street. Maybe he’ll be the one getting the group date rose.

                     Rural Czech Republic is like a fairytale town which is a great setting for this group date. Oh my gosh, a new mode of transportation! A rainy day carriage ride with three huge men, one tiny lady, and too many umbrellas. They get to the top of the hill to explore an incredible 13th century castle. Humble Doog gives a gracious toast to Emily, but she’s still unsure of the chemistry between them.

             They have a talk in a castle tower, and Emily correctly points out that his body language is off and he apologizes for touching her. It’s just not happening. With a crack of thunder, Emily declares she knows what she has to do.

She talks to him about how he’s moving so slow that there’s no movement. He kisses her. I groan in discomfort. She says thank you, but still goes through with letting him go because she has too much respect for him to keep him away from his son. This poor, poor man. He is a humble Doog, but a good Doog. I think he’s truly hit from the blind side by it. He wants so badly for his son to have a mom and a full family. Ohhh, that hits me in the heart. Right in the heart-bone. Good luck to you and Austin, Doug!

                Now it’s an impromptu two-on-one with Chris and Sean and one rose. She and Sean break away first after a weird key to “unlock the chat” gimmick. They have generic meeting the family talk and then have kissy time both there and in the tower stairwell. It’s not as hot and heavy as she an Arie, but the chemistry is definitely there.

Chris is planning on confronting Emily about why he didn’t get a one-on-one. Oh, great idea, Chris. Spend what precious little time you have with this woman pressuring her about her decision making skills. Perfect. The conversation is strained and boring because Chris is a vacuous butthead. She closed-lips kisses him a couple times while Chris voices over that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.

Based on the kisses Emily and Sean shared both the night before and this night, Sean is the shoe-in for the rose. She does give the rose to Sean while Chris just boils in his skin. He is insulted that she would want to meet Sean’s family over his. If I didn’t dislike this guy before, I really don’t like him at all now.

                 No matter about that stupid angry Muppet, it’s JEF TIME! The date card said “pull at my heartstrings” and that is, obviously, puppetry related. They visit a puppet/marionette shop! The puppeteer makes the Michael Jackson (RIP) marionette dance, and they joke around about other puppets. They are so cute together, but I cannot get over that this is just a little freaky and weird. When the two of them leave with the two marionettes of themselves, Jef runs back in to buy a tiny princess marionette to make sure they had Ricki too. How incredibly sweet is that? Kill me. It’s so sweet.

           I literally gasped out loud when they walk into the most beautiful library I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s like the library from Beauty and the Beast it’s so beautiful. So, what better location to reenact the highlights of their relationship thus far with puppets? Wait, what? This is getting weirder. I guess it works because the two of them are so goofy together, and they actually totally win me over with how precious it actually is.

I hate how much this is so cute. I laugh out loud at their puppet comedy. Via puppet, Jef says that he is “One hundred, no, one million per cent in love with her…Can we get a dog together?” and then I DIED. I DIED FROM HOW ADORABLE THAT IS. They mack and then their puppets hit faces because of it. Cheers to the camera guy and editors who pieced that mirror imaging together.

                  Ok, so the one thing I’m nervous about with Jef is his family situation. Emily won’t be meeting his parents because they’re in South Carolina and “committed to some stuff for a few years out there.” Really? Years? So Jef’s two brothers (THANK GOD) and two sisters (the third is in China) will be there. He admits that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her, which is scary, but I don’t think Emily has anything to worry about there.

They snuggle up on the floor and look up at the library and talk about marriage and living together and kids and their future. That is a really serious conversation, but it comes so natural to them. The chemistry is easy and great and just always there for those two. AND THEN I DIE AGAIN BECAUSE HE SAYS, “I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*** outta you.” LIKE, FOR REAL? REAL MEN EXIST WHO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? ALTHOUGH I GUESS HE’S MORE AN ELF KING/GOBLIN PRINCE THAN A MAN SO MAYBE IT IS STILL ONLY MYTH BUT HE IS THE ULTIMATE.

               The men arrive in exquisite vintage Rolls Royces for the rose ceremony (Is anyone keeping a tally on the modeS of transportation?) at an equally exquisite Czech manse. Chris is already crying in his voice over about taking Emily for granted. JohnWolf is very confident though, and while I do not think he could win this at all, I am pulling for him. You go, Wolfie!

To say the shiny blue dress Emily is wearing is slinky and sexy would be the understatement of the century. She and Chrarrison have my favorite time, heart-to-heart time. She forgoes the cocktail party because she is so sure of her decision. But Chris wants to talk to her to fix things! To cry and to fix things!

            Emily gives a heartfelt speech to her guys about her decision making process and how she’s really starting to feel real love “which makes every second that she’s away from Ricki worth it.” And with that, she calls forth Jef, then Arie, and we are down to our predicted final two of Chris and Wolfman. There’s a long dramatic pause and then Chris steps up to talk to Emily. Everyone feels the tension sky rocket. Chris apologizes for his boyish actions on the date and let’s her know he’s “ready to be the man that she deserves.” It all just seems so scripted to me and planned out and not effective.

               In the end, after the longest pause they could possibly muster, Emily gives Chris the rose. I may or may not have shouted a four-letter word at the TV at this. I am outraged and shocked. I mean, I know that Chris doesn’t stand a chance, but he’s still a d-bag. I rue the day I run into him in Chicago. Yuck. Yucky. Yuckiest that his little speech may just have worked.

               Well, that brings us to the end of this week and we’re headed all over America for the hometown dates next week. I have a fever and am hopped up on some good medicine, so with this journey-ers, I’m getting a big bowl of mango sorbet and stalking Jef Holm on Tumblr. Godspeed, y’all.

Some bonus Jef because I love you guys...

   Elvin King of my Heeeaarrrtt!

I saw this a couple weeks ago, and even then, I was jumping on the Dujardin train a little late.  Now that he's won some much deserved Oscar gold for his role in the Artist, I wanted to make sure everyone else on the train had seen this piece of comedy excellence.

Also, that they've seen this...

...and this, taken shortly after he proclaimed his love for both the American people and our cinnamon rolls.

May his flame be a long burning one.

Distraction 2012 -

I'm about to head out my door to cast my ballot and vote for the president of the United States. Before I go, I thought I'd leave you with a great 51 second break in your day.

This is the best fox out there. The best fox doing it. The only fox who gets so excited to see people, she literally gets paralyzed in excitement. Bless, Chuckles, bless.

Let's keep her enthusiasm in mind as the night wears on and our spirits begin to dampen, shall we?