The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Ladies and ladies (and, like, a few token dudes) welcome to the finale of The Bachelor. It’s down to just two contestants: the seemingly bred in a factory to be a perfect contestant on this show and fertility nurse Whitney, and the stunningly beautiful, has an identity outside of this but it is only being referred to as The Virgin, Becca.

Who will Chris choose?  Will it be neither? Just as they want us to fear at the end of every season of this show, Chris wonders if he’ll even be able to propose to anyone because he’s so torn. I somehow have a feeling Chris won’t be pulling a Juan Pablo on us. I can smell a proposal a-brewing on that one.

Of course, the finale is live because why wouldn’t it be? Chrarrison has promised a dramatic turn of events from his dais in Bachelor Central. God bless him. Chris Harrison: American Treasure.

The finale will not be taking place in some exotic locale, oh no. We’re ending this thing in the only appropriate place: Arlington, Iowa. How could it be anywhere else when deciding to love and marry Chris is equally deciding to love and marry Nowheresville, Iowa?

Chris pulls up to his parents’ farmhouse where all the sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews have gathered to meet his candidates for future wife. His mom Linda is a treasure. She looks like she was carved from a strong American oak tree and knows secrets about life she’d dole out while making biscuits with you on a Sunday afternoon.

Whitney meets the family first. There’s a light dusting of snow on the ground, and it looks to be about six degrees out. Whitney is already emotional about the high stakes of making a good impression on his family. She obviously passes with flying colors because Whitney is a human rainbow. The sisters love her and the parents think she’s so beautiful and strong.

As they sit down to lunch, Whitney makes a toast to let the Soules’ Family know that she came on the Bachelor 100% for Chris. She also thanks them for being so welcoming to her and gets choked up in saying how much she loves him. I get choked up. What’s happening to me?!

The Sisters Three sit Whitney down to have a hard hitting discussion about her relationship with Chris and how she sees their future. This woman is so poised it’s insane. She is knocking all their questions out of the park talking about how she can’t wait to be part of a family again and how she is ready to be a mom and wife that she could just pick everything up for him.

The Sisters Three are completely taken with her, and how could they not be? Whitney could charm the pants off Stalin.

Then Chris sits down to debrief with his sisters. I know they are all related because they all share certain features. But it’s the strangest composite of features from both parents. Like Chris’s head is the same shape as one sister AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. And then he has the same nose and mouth as another AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. It’s so strange. They’re all good-looking people, but the way the genes sorted themselves is bizarre.

“What hesitations do you have with Whitney?” one sister asks him.

“I don’t. With Whitney I don’t,” Chris fires back right away.

So, knowing that he is confident in Whitney’s unwavering commitment to him and Arlington, they ask what he feels about Becca and how that differs.

This is a much harder question for Chris to answer. He doesn’t even really name anything specific about Becca that makes him really like her. Just some facts like she’s “athletic” and “shy at first”. This is telling. I really, really think that Chris is infatuated with Becca, but with Whitney he could MAYBE have a chance at something real, insofar as one can after The Bachelor.

“You came here to find a wife. You didn’t come here to find a girlfriend,” the youngest sister throws down. That’s a heaping spoonful of reality. Becca is a fun girlfriend he might fhave for awhile. Whitney is your wife.

We round robin over to Whitney and Linda having their heart-to-heart.

“So, you say you think you’re in love with my son. What do you love about my son?” Linda asks.

“I don’t think I’m in love with him, I know I am,” Whitney fires back. These are two women with backbones. I like them together.

“I lost my mom ten years ago, and I have been waiting to call someone ‘mom’ and call someone ‘dad’. And I’ve been looking to find someplace that can really make me feel loved and I can just be myself, and you make me feel that way. You really do,” Whitney tells Linda. Oh boy. Those are emotions! Moms! Losing moms! Finding moms! It’s a lot for me! Moms are the best!

“I know that I could take you and love you just like that. But that’s not my decision to make, that’s Christopher’s. And I just hope and pray he makes the right one,” says Linda. Oh wow well she’s the best. She totally has biscuit life secrets!

As the couple say goodbye to each other on a frozen dirt roads, they do a bunch of tiny smacky kisses (WHY?). Whitney leaves, telling Chris, “Don’t you dare forget how much I love you.”

After she leaves, Chris joins the men of the family in the work shed surrounded by metal and tools. So manly. Men.

Chris shares his reservations about how he knows Whitney knocked it out of the park with all of them, but he still cares about Becca so much. He’s torn and is looking for advice. He also doesn’t want the family to write Becca off after having been so blown away by Whitney.

“Whitney is all in. But it sounds like Becca has played her cards a little closer to the vest…I just feel like as guys, that is infinitely attractive. You know, it’s the girl at the bar that nobody can talk to. Is that part of it in your mind?” Jason, a brother-in-law asks Chris. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK IT IS JASON. YOU ARE A SMART MAN.

Chris essentially shrugs that off, but we all know Jason is dead on.

The next day Becca joins the whole fam-damily.

“Relationship-wise I’m on the same page with these two women. Logistically, no,” Chris tells the family on his relationship with Whitney vs. Becca. He tells them upfront that Becca is neither as ready nor as willing to move to Iowa as Whitney. So now they are on the lookout for that.

Becca is so sweet and beautiful; she really does charm the family right away. Linda thinks she’s the funniest person on planet earth as she tells about how much her family loved Chris and then as she pokes gentle fun at how small Arlington is.

She sits before the tribunal of the Sisters Three to answer their questions. She explains that she knows she’s “falling” in love with Chris, but isn’t quite there yet.

“I’m scared that if I’m not at this place that I’m supposed to be at, that this all has to end,” Becca says. It does Becca. This is the Bachelor. This isn’t “Find Someone and Test it out in the Real World to See if it Works.” Her feelings here are COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE in a real world scenario. Most people don’t have to decide after dating someone for two months whether or not they will a) move cross country for them b) marry them. But like I said, this is The Bachelor. She can’t take it slow.

Lori and Jaci are both concerned that Becca does not feel as strongly or as sure about Chris as Whitney seems to. They have a lot of hurdles to get over.

Chris realizes after he talks things over with his sisters that he really needs to discuss the hard issues like long-distance and the logistics of their relationship with Becca. He is going to have to push her to see if there is truly a future there. They need a good, old fashioned Define the Relationship talk.

“Is she going to open up and be vulnerable? Because she’s gonna have to,” Lori says. God, how could the women in Chris’s family be so damn strong and he is such a Wet Willy?

Becca chats with Linda. And Linda, being adorable, starts with almost the same question she asked Whitney, “So what do you think of my son? Tell me what you think of my son.”

These two end up having a very real discussion where Becca is saying how hard it is for her to consider really, truly settling down and knowing if she is in love. Linda is pushing her and being very kind, but also not really pulling punches. Becca needs to think about the future. She needs to think about what she really wants and what Chris really wants. Becca has to be vulnerable enough to be open to love instead of just being so cautious and analytical.

“If you wanna go through your life and never take a chance, then what kind of life is that? And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But you gotta put yourself out there,” Linda says. BISCUIT LIFE SECRETS. I REALLY HOPE THAT WOMAN KNOWS HOW TO MAKE BISCUITS BECAUSE SHE HAS SO MANY LIFE SECRETS TO SHARE.

“I don’t think she recognizes that what she feels for Chris is love. I don’t think she recognizes it. Hopefully, she will,” Linda tells the cameras.

Chris and Becca leave each other both feeling uneasy about where they stand. They realize how much they have to discuss.

The very next night at the Hotel Julian in Dubuque, Iowa. Chris meets Becca in THE CAPONE SUITE to have their big discussion. So, no day date? Just an intense evening chat? Ok. I’ll skip it.

The two sit down, intertwined, on her bed to have this Very Important Discussion.

“I want everything that you can give me from your heart that I can have right now. Just to know, because I’m struggling,” Chris says.

Becca has said “I’m falling in love with you but I’m not there yet” so many times I’m starting to wonder if it’s a cry for help. Is she just repeating this to help herself escape from this? She just keeps saying those words.

She also bluntly tells Chris that she can’t make any promises about the timeline of when she’ll be ready to pick up her life or fully commit to spending her life with him and have a family. And for me, that’s it. Chris wants a family and kids RIGHT NOW, and she is still growing and doesn’t know what she wants! Chris literally asks her what she wants, and she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have to in the grand scheme of things! I don’t! But let me say it again: THIS IS THE BACHELOR.

“Why don’t you feel like you’re in love with me?” Chris finally asks. She doesn’t know. She can’t answer that.

“All I know right now is that I want you,” Becca tells Chris. I think that’s too little. I don’t think that’s enough to make this work in the long run. Becca also reveals to Chris that her biggest hang-up is what she would find to do in Arlington that isn’t just being “a wife.” And that’s a totally fair and real point and is making me lean towards thinking Becca doesn’t really want this either. This show is about getting married, and it is clear that Becca does not want that. She wants out. Set her free, Chris!

Chris’s big thick noggin still doesn’t know what to do though. Christopher. The answer is in front of you, and it’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.

Whitney.

She and Chris do get their full final day date, which if he and Becca had we never saw. Whitney and Chris are on his farm to do a little corn harvesting. Mmm, my favorite date. The Traditional Iowa Corn Harvest.

Obviously Whitney is over the moon about this and says she has to “pinch herself” to believe it’s real. Oh, this corn harvest is very real. Much like on Bali, the only time Chris has been fully animated and energetic is talking about farming.

Chris gives her the tour of his sparsely decorated home. It has potential, but you can tell that Chris’s mom did all she could to make it not just a white empty space. They drink wine by the fire, and Whitney pours her heart out to him even more than she already has.

With these two we also get an evening date at Whitney’s hotel suite to have a final talk before the big day. Whitney pours her heart out once more that she is totally confident that she could thrive in Arlington because she loves Chris so much. She makes sure that everything is laid out on the table between them, so that she can come out of it with no regrets.

They share many, many tiny smacky kisses before saying goodbye for the night. Whitney feels so confident that she loves him and that they have something great, but she’s still so worried and nervous that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye tomorrow.

As the sun rises over the vast, snow kissed fields of Iowa, Chris peers out a tiny, smudged hotel window at Dubuque to consider his future. I guess instead of the traditional Shirtless On A Balcony Considering His Future shot that we normally get, we have to settle for this.

AND THEN MAYBE MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE SEASON HAPPENS. NEIL F***ING LANE (BELOVED PURVEYOR OF DIAMONDS AND TANNED LIZARD KIND) IS IN IOWA, AND HE IS NOT PLEASED.

“Did you ever think you’d be coming to Iowa?” Chris welcomes him.

“Did I ever think I’d be coming to Iowa? No. NO. I never thought I’d be coming to Iowa,” he retorts as he takes in the meager surroundings of Chris’s hotel room.

Chris works with him to pick out a ring all while voicing over his doubts about proposing to one of these women. Becca puts on a SLAMMING FLOOR LENGTH, LONG SLEEVED, BURGUNDY VELVET DRESS. IT’S THE MOST AMAZING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Whitney is wearing a really pretty long sleeved black (it might be navy. I’m really, really bad at distinguishing black from navy) dress. It’s not quite the stunner that Becca is in.

The final rose ceremony will be taking place in the Soules’s family barn that has been set dressed within an inch of its life. There are hanging lamps and old car parts on the walls and staged light coming through stained glass. They even built a makeshift paddock for these two black horses that they no doubt rented for this whole shebang. I’m just delighted imagining the production designers in Pier 1 just saying, “Ugh. I don’t know. I guess farm chic is what we’re doing?”

This is it. We see the black stretch limo crawling along the dirt road to reveal who Chris is sending home, and in so doing, who he chooses as well.

Oh thank God it’s Becca.

Neither of them wanted this truly long-term.  She slowly climbs through the obstacle course of hay bales and pallets they have designed and takes Chris’ hands. He makes a speech about how much he cares for her and what an amazing woman she is, but makes the turn by telling her she’s not really ready for what he wants.

She is completely understanding because of course she is. She isn’t ready.

“You’re gonna make somebody so incredibly happy, but I don’t think that I’m the guy that’s gonna give you what you need,” he concludes. Becca is so gracious as she says goodbye to him. I think she was expecting this and, though she’d never say it, was hoping for this. They hug goodbye and leave on really good terms. That went really smoothly.

She sheds not one tear in her exit interview in the limo. This woman is a pillar of grace. I also think she’s somewhat relieved that at 26, she isn’t tied down to world’s smallest town and just being a housewife for the rest of her life.

Now is the fun part. They producers are being cheeky as ever as they play music that's clearly supposed to evoke Field of Dreams over Whitney arriving at the Rose Ceremony Barn of Love.

Whitney gets out of the limo and you can hear how ragged her breath is from nerves. Good Old Chrarrison points out that she is shaking like a leaf. She is. Is her dress blue or black you guys? This is a serious problem I’ve had my whole life. Blue or black?!

He takes her hands to steady her and she is blinking like a crazed owl to calm herself. Whitney speaks first as she tells Chris how he has exceeded all her expectations of him and how sure she is that they will be together forever.  And she says, “I love you,” to him like seven million times.

Chris starts his speech to her, and he’s still really bad at speeches. True to the end, my friend. True to the end. He is so impressed with her and excited by her and amazed by her.

“It’s not work for us. It’s natural. We both want the same thing, and it feels so right. It feels so perfect,” and he takes a deep breath and long pause, “And that’s what I want for the rest of my life. I love you.”

She is over the moon to finally hear him say it. So he gets down on one knee to propose marriage to her! They kiss! The music swells! He picks her up to hold her tight! They both feel like the luckiest boy and girl in the entire world! SO VERY MAN TINY TENDER SMACKY KISSES!

Chris gives the final rose to a beaming Whitney who just keeps saying, “I love you.” They share their final moments on screen sitting on the open edge of the barn window, and it’s quite lovely. Yay for them!

This time the After the Final Rose doesn’t need a full recap. Just a few bullet points. Thank GOD.

Becca was, once again, an absolute pillar of grace as she spoke to Chris. They are both on very good terms.

Whitney and Chris are still very much in love.

Jimmy Kimmel gave them a cow he named Juan Pablo.

And...the announcement of our new Bachelorette is actually a poisonous wound festering in my soul these last few days. They claim that both America and the producers were SO torn on whom to choose for The Bachelorette that they didn’t! Both Kaitlyn AND BRITT will be competing for the love of 25 guys. And at the end of THE FIRST NIGHT the men will determine who they will be pursuing in love on the rest of the Bachelorette journey. I have enough thoughts on this to fill an entire page, but in the meantime, what are your thoughts? How do you feel about an already depraved show pitting two women against each other for the men to decide who they deem more worthy of love? Ask is open!

And once again, thanks for going on this journey with me! You are all so great and make all this hard work worth it. XOXOXO

Beyonce Monday -

No explanation necessary. This is Beyonce's world and we are all just incredibly #blessed to be living in it. Bow down to the Queen Bey.

And remember this Monday, and all your other days: You have as any hours in each day as Beyonce.

Now go get it.

Henley Monday -

Friends, brethren, it's Christmastime again. And for a few weeks now, I have searched for holiday themed henley shots as my personal gift to you. The searching was all in vain, but I'm not one to give up so easily. So for the remaining advent weeks, I will bring you some TOTALLY CHRISTMAS AND HOLIDAY (LOOSELY) RELATED pictures of gorgeous men wearing henleys.

TODAY for instance is a man we have already once popularly featured here on Henley Monday. He is a man of great pecs, bulging biceps, a strong jaw, and sweet, sweet blue eyes revealing his sensitive side.

It's Chris Evans.

Also revealing of his sensitive side is the fact that he is speaking to the next generation and inspiring children with his tales of heroism and good fashion choices. What a great example of the spirit of Christmas!

You can't not trust a man wearing a henley when he tells you to always believe in yourself and chase your dreams.

How surprised are you that Marquel is still around? Not just because The Bachelor is usually...well. But because of his jester ways and picnic table shirts too.

"HIS JESTER WAYS"!!!!!!!! That's amazing.

YES. Yes. What in the hell is he still doing there? I think his days are definitely numbered. When he literally just sat on that couch and made her stand up in her formal gown "to teach her some self-defense moves" I thought for sure that was his kiss of death because WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT? But poor little Tasos went home instead. Although Tasos' time was up for sure. He was not up to snuff.

I'm coming for ya Marquel...just you wait....

The Bachelor Recap - Episode 1

               In the immortal words of Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park III, “My God…we’re back.” And so we are! Back to another season of extravagant dates, multiple Katie’s and Ashley’s, drama, romance, and of course, a journey to find true love. Sean Lowe has recovered from his heartbreak over Emily Maynard to find God’s match for him. I wish him the best of luck and that the make-up artists would for THE LOVE OF GOD shade his eyebrows in a little.

If you will so kindly recall dear readers, last go round we started these recaps after episode three of last season of the Bachelorette, so this is the first time I’ve recapped the introductions episode and boy is this exciting. Let’s jump right in!

At minute 1:12 – We get a girl who says the catchphrase of reality TV: “I didn’t come here to make best friends.” YUP. YES. SAYING THESE WORDS DEFINITELY MEANS NOT ONLY WILL YOU GO FAR, YOU WILL WIN AND NOT BE HATED BY ALL OF AMERICA. FOR SURE.

Sean talks about how crazy this all is and how he can’t believe he’s here blah blah blah I can’t hear him because it’s voiced over a montage of him exercising and I’m distracted by a) his muscles b)his splotchy redness that he gets on his arms [I’m concerned] c) is he a ginger or is he blond??? Oh no, I’m broken from my reverie by the sad Emily montage. Good thing he dodged that bullet because now he’s here! For our entertainment! Yaaaaaay!

Just in case he didn’t hammer home the point enough last season, Sean is obsessed with his family and the idea of starting his own family. He more than anything wants a house full of “love and laughter”. This guy. Alright. We get it. You are great and family oriented.

He ends his monologue with “I want to protect my woman. I want to love my woman. I want to honor her. I want to love her with everything I have, and I want to be the best man I can be for her.” Which is sweet, but also maybe let’s cut down on referring to your soul mate as “your woman” ok, Texas?

Pointlessly, Arie shows up to Sean’s bachelor pad just chat like dudes over a beer about such producer suggested topics like being dumped by the same girl, breaking up with other girls, and kissing. A weird, weird moment happens where Arie gives his kissing tips, and while I find them to be accurate and good tips, it is just a weird moment that passes. After teaching the 29-year-old grown man Sean how to properly kiss, Arie leaves. Great.

Now, let’s meet some crazies!

We get an in depth look at a selection of women which can mean any number of things. Some will be front runners, some might be villains, some might be crazies who go home the first night.

First up is Desiree, a lovely Southern belle who is a bridal consultant dreaming of the day she finds the man who will enable her to find the white dress of her dreams.

Next up is Tierra. That’s right. Her name is Tierra. Is this show self-aware enough to know what they’re doing to me by having a serious contestant named TIERRA? Apparently, because she starts off by showing us her depth. “Some people who live without love and be fine with their whole life [sic all of that mess], but I’m the opposite.” Oh really? Really, Tierra? So some people (sociopaths) can live without love and be fine (devoid of measurable human emotion), but you are the opposite (sane/ capable of empathy)? Oh, GOT IT. You are STAND OUT, among these women now. Blown away.

She literally squeals when they tell her that the Bachelor is Sean. She tells her heinous little Yorkshire terrier to get excited. I die a little.

Robyn is next, a lovely African American business woman from Houston who is learning Spanish “the romantic, sexy language” because that’s measurable. She’s fine, and I appreciate the show at least trying to be less Caucasian-specific.

Dianna is a 31-year-old hair-stylist from Utah who tells us she’s 30. She is the mother of two girls who “mean the world to her.” She is pretty and her girls are sweet. She’s a divorcee and is looking to find soul mate number two.

Here comes Sarah, an advertiser from LA who was born with one arm! She is just beautiful and very positive about life. She doesn’t feel it defines her, and is excited to find a love who can just be a partner.

Holler to Michigan! Ashley is a hairdresser from Macomb, Michigan who has a cat and NO idea why she’s still single! Then she tells us her dream man is Christian Grey from “50 Shades of Grey”, and we get some insight as to why that might be. She’s obsessed and weird about it. “Spank me!” she says to the book. Oh God.

Lesley M. lives and works in Washington DC and is “a huge advocate for the environment” whatever that exactly means nowadays in politics (at first I typed this as “hug advocate” which actually sounds like a great job that I could get behind). She is blond and pretty and looks like any pretty sorority girl you might have known and generally liked in college. She is originally from Arkansas and claims to be a “modern Southern belle”.

Kristy is a Ford model who boxes. “Girls will be jealous of me. No question,” she states. Despite being super proud of being a Ford model in New York, she wants to be known as the Wisconsin, Midwestern girl. Fine. Let’s see you put away some brats, and then we’ll talk.

Ashlee is a professional organizer who loves her perfectly organized life! Oh Em Gee! She’s sweet but holy crap seems a little neurotic. However, just as my jury is about to come in about her, she flips it around telling a truly touching story of being adopted at age six by a pastor’s family after going through six foster homes in one year. She tells us that she remembers them promising that they will tell her they love her every day, and I tear up just a smidge because, come on.

Without further adieu, it’s time for the parade of ladies to meet Sean!

Ashlee the organizer is up first. She’s wearing a nice red dress. She’s sweet.

Jackie a cosmetics consultant comes next! She puts on some red lipstick and “puts her mark on him” with a kiss on the cheek. He says “thank you very much!” and is like “Cool. What do I do now?” inside.

Selma! Selma is a beautiful, raven haired real estate developer who wipes the kiss off Sean’s cheek. I already like her. Something about her just seems beautiful, fun, and good-natured. Please don’t prove me wrong, Selms.

Leslie H. a poker dealer comes up next. She keeps telling Sean that he is handsome and a hunk and forgets to tell him her name! She’s cute but bland.

Daniella a “commercial casting associate” (that’s a thing?) comes out and teaches Sean a secret handshake that he obviously fumbles over because he’s never done it before and then they just leave it. Her hair is a hot mess.

I may have spoken too soon on the hot-mess-hair train because out next walks Kelly, a “CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER” with heinous extensions. She’s from Nashville and therefore finds it appropriate to sing a ridiculous song to Sean. It includes the words “love to have you home to try my mama’s sweet tea” so I’ll just let you dream up what the rest of the hellish nightmare might be like.

Katie a 27-year-old yoga instructor comes out and centers his chakras for some good chi. she is barefoot and clearly a hippie.

Ashley Shades of Grey comes out in a slinky black sequin number! “So have you read any good books lately?” she probes. “I have actually!” Sean eagerly retorts, probably expecting some intellectually stimulating conversation. She tells him she read “50 Shades of Grey” as she pulls a grey silk tie out of the bust of her dress. His face is priceless.

“I’m guessing I know the symbolism behind this?” he asks.

“Yup,” she says, “Crazy!”

“Yyuh-essss,” he croaks out. Yes, Ashley. Yes. Crazy. You are crazy. Let’s TONE IT DOWN with the bondage talk at first introductions, kay?

We meet Taryn, Catherine, Robyn who tries to do two back-flips and falls on the second one, Lacey, Paige from the Bachelor Pad whose occupation reads “Jumbotron Operator” and I cannot believe that’s a thing. All their introductions are succinct and fine and nice.

Tierra emerges and is a little ball of orange light. I hate her already, perhaps unfairly but her name is TIERRA. She tells Sean, “I wanted to show you that I have a heart on my finger, and it’s open. And I hope that you’ll be the guy to complete it.” Then he tells her to wait right there for one moment.

What’s going on? What does this mean? Her smug face is hiding her inner panic and confusion. Sean finds the honorable Chris Harrison to find out if he can bend the rules.

When he comes back out to Tierra, he gives her a rose. Right off the bat, he likes Tierra enough to give her a rose and keep her around. Sean is a rebel. A real rose rebel. Surely this will not bode well with Tierra’s favor with the other women.

The next barrage of women brings Amanda who forces them to have a weird awkward pause that is actually awkward, Keriann who drove over 2,000 miles for him, Desiree our bridal stylist in a gorgeous red dress who has Sean throw pennies into the fountain with her, and Sarah our one-armed friend who claims she always envisioned falling in love on a TV show with 24 other women, Brooke a community organizer who purrs at him like Eartha Kitt, Diana forgets her name in her haste, and finally Lesley M. who runs a football play with Sean just to catch a view of his tight behind. I like you game, girl.

Kristy the Ford model leads with the fact that she’s the best from the Midwest, and again, I must challenge her to any kind of casserole or brat eating contest. Ashley, a model from….Denver? Denver has models now, I guess. Arrives. She is slinky. Lauren’s family owns an Italian restaurant and threatens Sean’s life! Ha ha!

Oh my god. Oh no. Lindsay just got here. Lindsay is wearing a full wedding dress and veil and goes right in for a kiss on the lips that Sean desperately tries to get on his cheek. “I’ve got balls!” she quips. “I hope not,” he manages.

And that’s our 25. But wait! What’s this?! There is one more person arriving. One more woman from the Bachelor family who will vie for Sean’s attention.

It’s Kacie B.!!! Kacie B. from Ben’s season last winter who made it far, but ultimately dodged a horrible bullet. She’s back to try and win Sean’s love after developing a crush on him between seasons. I loved Kacie and really hope that this works out for her. Sean and Kacie as a couple make sense, and I hope he really gives this a shot.

The girls are suspicious of her, but not outwardly super hostile. She’s in for some drama most likely, but if she’s the Kacie we know, she’s got the guts to get through it.

Desiree is upset saying that she had her chance with Ben, so what makes her think it’ll work with Sean? Well, Des, for starters, they are two completely different men, so perhaps that might be the root of her presumptions.

Sean wants everyone to feel at ease. To break the tension, they all let out a big scream. The cocktail party of doom begins with all the women fighting for one man’s attention.

Sean talks to Kacie first, and he gallantly offers his jacket to ward off the cold. He’s shocked and surprised to see her, but she’s confident and is trying to make him see her as more than just a friend. He and I agree that it’ll take some getting used to, but we all hope it’s worth it if there’s something there. So glad we’re all on the same page, team.

As the party goes on, Sean is handing out roses left and right, throwing the women into an absolute tizzy. Every time they see a new woman walk by with a rose, they question what is going on and try to parse out the meaning behind it all. Cattiness ensues of course, as they all try to get a rose.

Eventually some bright woman figures out that he’s just giving out roses as he feels a strong connection with any woman. This seems like a good idea to me, so he has fewer names to remember at the big rose ceremony and it helps relieve some of the anxiety for the women.

Lindsay in the wedding dress is concerned that Sean may not have understood her joke and wacky sense of humor in this whole ordeal and makes a quiet plea to the gods to be “more sober” as she tries to get to know Sean.

Her pleas, it seems, go unanswered as she asks Sean to dance and tries to demand a kiss from him. He is being gracious and laughing the whole way through. They have a truly weird conversation about being traditional and her really being a good girl. He graciously shirks her off and escapes with his life.

Back to Ashley Shades of Grey being the captain of the hot mess train. She starts “sexy dancing” all over the house which just equates to her shaking her booty and making duck face.

Kacie aptly observes, “She just needs a lot of water. Water, people!” I have missed her wry wit.

Ashley is insane. And will not let go of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” thing. Sean makes a joke about a rape whistle which is actually pretty funny. She tells Sean they are going to get married. He is terrified. He has never been more scared in his life. But somehow manages to still be super charming. For being simple, he sure knows his way through an awkward conversation.

There is already a woman who can’t handle “the process”, as they refer to a “TELEVISION COMPETITION FOR LOVE” on this show. She is a weepy mess and just keeps crying because she doesn’t understand how to compete for a man.

Sarah also feels self-conscious about fighting for Sean’s attention. She’s worried what he might assume about her having one arm. Totally unrelated to her completely valid sentiment, is that they shoot her from some bizarrely terrible angle such that her face looks bloated and fat. It is not bloated and fat in the least bit. This girl is tiny, but the angle they have on her makes her look like a big old fat neck. It’s weird.

They end up talking and she addressed the elephant in the room. Sean likes her! They hit it off, and I enjoy her. I would enjoy her even if she was a real big old fat neck and not a pretend one.

I’ve noticed that the girls have all busted out their finest cross and icthus jewelry so Sean is sure to know they deeply share his faith in God. I’m weirded out by this flaunting of religion as a turn-on or a good “strategy”.

At the start of the rose ceremony, twelve women already have roses. So there are only seven roses remaining. Wait…seven? SEVEN?! That is insane. Normally they cut right to 15 people but 19?! Oh we are gonna drag this crap out, aren’t we ABC?

So to save confusion, I’ll just tell you who’s going home, as you have no idea who anyone is yet:  Italian Lauren, Lace laden Lacey, 2000 miles Kariann, Bachelor Pad Paige, Kelly the Cruise Ship Entertainer, Ashley the Denver model, and Ashley Shades of Grey.

Yes, that means Kacie B is safe, yes that means Wedding Dress is safe, and yes, Fifty Shades of Cray is going back to Michigan where she will hopefully stay and not spread her madness outside the realms of the Mitten state.

Tune in next week for more madness as Sean departs full throttle on his quest to find love! Drama, emotions, cat fights, shots of Sean’s chiseled physique, and ugly cocktail dresses all await!  See you on the other side, journeyers.

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to fall! The wind's turning chilly, and we're all wearing sweaters full time! JUST KIDDING IT'S A MILLION DEGREES EVERYWHERE AND WE'LL NEVER BE A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE AGAIN.

But Fall is coming as it must. It has to. It's the law. Science. Michael Fassbender is going to help me get by until that point though in this cotton knit henley under a suede jacket. He is so weathered and rugged he looks like one of those Dust Bowl photos only beautiful in a less depressing way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNIPqafd4As&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYp-EOiG9VM&feature=related

It's the final Valentine's Day post and I thought I'd make it a bit of a mega mix if you will. In my lengthy research (read: one afternoon) I discovered that Celine Dion's Las Vegas show is the most nonsensical, melodramatic, coco for kookoopops, bald albino clown-starring, sparkly, shiny, billowing piece of performance that ever was or will be. In short: amazing.

So, to close your day, here are some of her finest songs performed in the absolute strangest manner possible: Celine's way. Bless her. May she reign forever. Amen.

PS - I know that last one is ten minutes, but I promise that the jaw-dropping over exuberance is totally worth it. As a friend recently pointed out about her performers, they are all totally drinking the Dion Kool-aid.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. May the veracity of this remind you to never underestimate a bird, and to be thankful they are so delicious when slowly and aromatically roasted.

*Thanks to tumblr, biologyislove for this!

Unlikely Loves - Jersey Shore Edition

                         Yesterday I got caught up in a mini-marathon of Pop Up Video (thank Jesus it's back) Jersey Shore. I do not exaggerate when I say it was riveting. Did you know that most of the guys were broke that first summer, and had to actually work at the store to earn money to buy groceries and boardwalk fun times? Ronnie would pick up extra shifts to pay for the extravagant go-karting dates he took Sammi on when their courtship was a mere springtime bud. Oh, the salad days...

Anyways, the whole premise of the show began as: they live in that house in exchange for working at the Shore Store, both owned by the forthright Danny, and MTV films their lives. But what's always been a fuzzy matter for me is, is that house really Danny's? Was this whole plan actually part of what Danny had done in summers past? Or is that the ruse that the producers created to give us something to hold on to as a show?

               Turns out it's all legit. Danny had bought the house years before, ran the store and rented to kids in exchange for pressing t-shirts with witty slogans like "Can you tell your BOOBS to stop staring at my EYES?!" all summer. Sweet deal. Even sweeter when MTV came a-knocking.

You can read a nice little interview about how it all started and how it's been since the show right here: "Take 5 with Danny 'The Boss'" and here: "Danny Merk, Shore Store: The Real-Life Boss from 'Jersey Shore'"

               Another thing that blew my mind is that Danny is the same age as Pauly, making him "allegedly" older than Mike. But if The Situation is truly under 30, then you should also know that this blog has won a Peabody. Regardless, Danny is the same age as those clowns, yet completely has his life together. He was a property owner at 22! He owns his own very lucrative t-shirt and hot-pants business! He's practically a household name!

I love this guy. He seems like a genuinely good dude. That first summer he was a good boss, coming down hard on Angelina (remember how he rode up on his bike to fire her?) and not taking crap from the rest of their sorry butts.

               In the subsequent seasons at the Shore, Danny has taken it in stride that Sitch naps in the backroom and Team Meatballs get day drunk during a shift, because he is not going to look his gift horse in the mouth. The end of this season also showed his lighter side when he brought a friend to help Pauly D. and Vinny pull their greatest prank of flipping the house inside out.

                                              Now, it may be because he is a decidedly atypical denizen of Seaside Heights, and it may be because he's surrounded by gorilla juice-heads, but Danny is not hard on the eyes. I don't think I've ever heard anyone share this, but maybe I need to be the first brave soul to say it.

                     Shore Store Danny is cute! In kind of gaunt and gangly sort of way! It's fine! Whatever! He kind of looks like a blue jay! To each their own! He and Vinny can go on to their post-show relative normalcy together! Fin!

     "Team Meatballs Are the Worst"...such a good sport...

Henley Tuesday - 

Sometimes the ship of my life takes me so far off course that I don't know which way is up or down, right or left. Such was the case yesterday when I found myself sitting in the Cook County Criminal Courthouse serving jury duty for almost 10 full hours. If anyone has ever told you that jury duty is terrible, THEY ARE RIGHT. LISTEN TO THEM. THERE IS NO "IT'S NOT THAT BAD" AT JURY DUTY. 

The moral of the story is that I was trapped in a courtroom gallery that didn't allow phones, so Henley Monday didn't happen as it was scheduled. Should I have planned ahead and queued up a post to automatically publish? Yes, yes I should have. Did I think I would be allowed to use my phone though? Yes. Yes I did.

SO HERE. HERE YOU RAVENOUS HYENAS, TAKE IN THE MAJESTIC BEAUTY OF DANIEL CRAIG IN NOT ONLY A HENLEY BUT ALSO A SHAWL COLLARED SWEATER AND SWILLING WHAT I'M SURE IS A LUXURIOUS SCOTCH WHISKEY.

We may need him now more than ever.