Ngl Even If I Didn’t Have It As Bad As Others It’s Still Really Fucked Up Thinking About Some Of

Holy shit I posted something as a silly little joke about chronically online discourse and then my notifications blew up for the past 2 or so days.

Now I managed to get 100 likes in the span of less than a week.

I just wanna say thanks for the recent support on my blog! Definitely have no regrets making this!

XOXO

･:*+.\(( °ω° ))/.:+

WARNING:

SH + STARVING

It wasn’t even worth the trouble. I feel nothing. All that it did was leave an ugly mark and leave a burning sensation.

Fuck I’m such a hideous thing. These scars make it even worse.

I wish I was thinner and flatter and prettier and had a nice smile and didn’t have this goddamn lazy eye everytime I take a photo.

I wish I didn’t have to resort to doing this to feel something good and relieving because nothing feels like it’s working anymore.

I don’t even know if I wanna eat rn. My parents are calling for dinner and I’m hungry but I’m so desperate to lose weight. I’ll do anything at this point.

I just wish I was born a different person.

So I may have gotten inspired…

Expect a video in maybe 3 weeks to a month.

I’m looking back at videos trying to explain Jirai Kei and not gonna lie, if I wasn’t a hideous, camera-shy freak, I’d go all out and make my own Jirai Kei essay.

The way that these people talk about Jirai Kei doesn’t feel like it does them justice since they’re into it from a fashion perspective. And I don’t wanna be that person, but if you’re into it purely for the fashion, you might as well call it girly kei since that’s what its fashion aspect of it basically took inspiration from, if not directly took it from (and if you’re a subcul Jirai, emo fashion in Harajuku is a primary visual inspiration).

Jirai isn’t just some edgy term used by Jirais to look cool and like some sort of anime menhera archetype. It was an actual insult used by people(usually men) in Japan to describe girls who are basically ticking time bombs. This is just Jirais reclaiming the term the same way Emos had reclaimed their name(Emo was an insult in the early 2000s).

I call myself Jirai because I understand this as someone who was often called overdramatic and too emotional, and feel a sense of power from it. Yes, I’m not Japanese, but there’s a reason that some Japanese subcultures have terms for participants outside of Japan(Ex. Gaijin Gyaru). It doesn’t have to be exclusive.

In conclusion, to quote a Reddit that I found, “I don’t think people(especially fashion Jirais) understand the implications of being called a Jirai.

I lowkey wanna drop out of college.

The money I get for being there isn’t worth it when you aren’t even interested in the major or the classes. It’s not even worth it for the one friend that I have anymore.

I didn’t even want to go to college to begin with.

The only reason I started was because my parents kept telling me to do it for the money.

I don’t even know what I want to do in life because I was so convinced that I was gonna die before I turned 18. Well… now I’m 18, stuck in a place where I have no want to improve because my misery has become my identity.

I guess the saying is true that money really can’t buy happiness…

You and me both.

i hate people

To give my insight into this, I’m a generally emotional person in part due to my neurodivergency(I have autism and ADHD), and it’s made my life a hell of a lot more difficult. I latched onto the whole “ticking time bomb” saying because that’s literally who I was: Someone who forced people to walk on eggshells whenever they did so much as talk to me.

I have trouble communicating with others properly, I can’t get a understand or get a grasp on my own emotions, I often get burnt out because doing minimal tasks that are outside the schedule I have built into my brain are too much for me sometimes.

To top that off I have very bad anxiety and depression, which have inadvertently warped my view of myself, other people, and life in general, making me believe the world isn’t just fucked up, but deserves the absolute worst and that absolutely nobody is redeemable. Not even myself.

I feel like I can’t recover not just because I don’t want to, but because I feel like it’s quite literally impossible for someone like me. My support system is either doing much worse than me physically/mentally, or doesn’t and never will understand the extent of why I feel life is so exhausting and excruciating.

I’ve jumped between 3 or so different therapists this year because either they made me feel inadequate and like I didn’t have a right to be there, or simply didn’t reach the needs I was hoping for.

Jirai Kei to me isn’t just some subculture for mentally struggling people, it’s quite literally the amalgamation of feeling like no one can truly understand your pain and feeling like the pain is so bad that you’d wish you were better off simply not existing.

Maybe I’ll never know what it’s like living as a young Japanese person, where the topic of mental health is VERY much undermined and misunderstood, but does that make my own experiences as a neurodivergent, queer afab person in America any less valid? No. It shouldn’t.

Case in point, Jirai Kei to me is embracing your mental health and its issues because there’s no one else out there who feels them the way you feel them. Your experiences are unique to you.

Only you can define yourself, and nobody else.

Something that I’ve been thinking about a lot is what Jirai Kei is and what it means. What draws me to the style is how I remember writing poetry about feeling like I was a “ticking time bomb” many years ago. It feels like I’m seen finally in who I am, in a way. I may seem put together, but I’m a highly emotional, sensitive, and expressive person. The person where it’s only a matter of time until I have a breakdown or an outburst of emotion. That’s a part of my life and who I am, that I’ve never been able to acknowledge. I’ve been told to “stop being a baby” growing up so much that I’ve had to learn how to try to keep my emotions at bay and fail. I guess it’s also has to do with obvious signs of mental illness and physical illness that have been ignored and dismissed growing up.

Yet, I’m supposed to be “better now”. I can’t share when I’m struggling to hold back a panic attack or biting my lip to stop myself from crying. I’m not supposed to feel super happy and then super sad the next moment.

However, within this style, it embraces that. It embraces how deeply I feel and how I’ll always struggle with my mental health. It embraces it and tells me it’s okay. That I can struggle, that I can acknowledge and say that I’m not doing okay. I don’t have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to be sad all the time. I’m free to feel and express it.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay on this Earth and live, even if it hurts a lot. I know some people say that lifestyle jirai kei don’t want to get better, but I don’t think that accounts for everyone. For me, Jirai Kei is a way to express how deep I feel and my struggles. It’s a way to express when I’m feel depressed or lost or anxious.

I think the point of my ramblings is to just say that you should define what Jirai Kei means to you.

Recovery is beautiful, but I also acknowledge some people aren’t there yet or don’t want to be. Just remember that it’s a beautiful thing to feel emotion so deeply. You don’t have to engage in self destructive behavior to be “a part of the jirai kei community”.

Anyways, I’m done. Thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

To all my current followers & moots, I just wanna say…

idk if internet is making me worse or better but i can’t live w/o it so i don’t think it matters

Most Stereotypical: Have severe mental illness, partake in destructive habits and generally am a ticking time bomb, explosive outbursts and everything. I’m also very chronically online.

Least Stereotypical: I don’t do drugs and never really go out and do anything fun. I don’t party or go to clubs or anything like that. I also don’t really dress in girly kei type fashion(even though I’d love to).

|||||||||. so fellow jiraizz im curious to know. 🖤 what is the most stereotypical jirai thing about yourself vs the least stereotypical jirai thing about yourself? 👀 (plz plz pleaseeee interact n answer or ill cry forever)

ill start 🤍.

most stereotypical ◇ i have everything in reach of my bed because i really just stay on my bed 99% of the time and am definitely super chronically online.

least stereotypical ◆ tbh i dont want to be famous and worshipped by like simps and weebs online tbh. the attention can be nice but i hate normies too much. i only really want attention from people who i think could actually understand me. basically fellow jirais 🖤.

(btw i use stereotypical here without any negative connotations moreso like neutral/for fun positive.)

÷.

She’s an icon, she’s a legend