When You Let Go Of People You Are Painfully Seeking Approval Or Love From, You Return To Yourself. You

30.12.2024 // free dayy

I went to the mall with my bestfriend yesterday, it was soo fun we even went to the book store in there :))

I picked up Matthew Perry's autobiography - Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing

and I was flushed with a wave of nostalgia, sadness and overwhelming love for that man.

Even though I was born three years after friends ended , I still grew up on it and chandler was the one I related to the most ,Infact he was my friend's favourite character and we would talk about chandler a lot or repeat his jokes and that made him even more special to me.

It really feels like we are reading his personal diary as it takes us through his life. There are several pictures in there as well and one of them is of him as a teenager surrounded with a bunch of kids and the caption is -

"I have always been great with kids. Man,I wish I had one of my own"

this just..stayed with me and I think it will stay with me for a while, I miss him. I hope he's in a better place. <3

yeah I'm definitely failing chemistry

[read the previous poems for context ly]

Letters from Juliet (IV)

I woke up today and realised

that it isn't about your name not being there on my lips

it's not about the roses not smelling like you

or the coffee not reminding me of us

or me not being afraid of thunder anymore

It's the fact that I wish it wasn't this way

I , deeply, desperately, delusionally wish for -

my lips to be stained by your name

not just roses but every single flower to remind me of you

me to be scared of every thunderstorm

and that is because

a part of me

a stupid godamn part of me

wishes that you'll be there to comfort me

maybe I'm still holding onto that part of me

a poet Ahmad Faraz once said

"ranjish hī sahī dil hī dukhāne ke liye aa

aa phir se mujhe chhoḌ ke jaane ke liye aa"

Just the thought of you coming back generates more happiness than the inherent pain of you walking away

which you will

you always do

with so much ease

it makes me question humanity

Maybe you didn't like me

but just for humanity,

I expected you to turn around

but you didn't

Or maybe you did and I didn't catch you

(Even though I haven't looked away since the first time I saw you)

how is it so easy for you?

how is it so hard for me?

did you ever have tears in your eyes for me?

No

No you didn't

I did

Way too many times

I have them in my eyes right now

I don't know why I have them

Maybe I am sad that you have left

maybe I am sad that I didn't leave with you

Maybe I am sad that you left with someone else

Maybe I am worried that this "someone" won't love you as much as I did

Maybe I am worried that this "someone" does love you as much as I did

Maybe I am angry that I made a fool of myself

That I wasted my time on you

maybe that's all you were

a waste of time and energy

maybe that's how I want to remember it

But the stupid part of me won't let that happen

I want to remember you as my first love

As the first person I shared a part of myself with

The first person who made me feel stupid

The person who made me a hopeless romantic

And then left me hopelessly

and now I want to turn into you

I want to pretend to care

I want to pretend to like someone

I don't want to be a hopeless romantic anymore

So that just the way I fixed you

Someone fixes me

I am sure many people want to

Many people are stupid like me

Yk the worst thing about habits?

they take 21 days to form

But won't even go away in 21 years

(I can't confirm it I'm still 16)

"Marne ke baad bhi meri aankhen khuli rhi

Aadat pari thi inhe intezaar ki"

~habits

maybe it's not even the "habit"

maybe it's just the aftertaste of it

maybe the aftertaste is like a scar

which heals over time but still leaves an imprint

"i looked down on my body

only to find myself drowned in those footprints

a sign of visitors"

I have to come to terms with it

That I am here and will always be

But you have walked away

far away

I have to let these scars heal

I have to

I can't let them stay open

they'll catch an infection

maybe I want them to

because that stupid part of me

hopelessly hopes that'll you'll come to treat it

that you'll kiss it better

you won't

someone will

someone will walk in to treat all the wounds they didn't create

someone will walk in to heal something they didn't break

"i saw the tides gently wipe away some of these footprints while leaving the most

only to make space for more visitors to come

the visitors leave , their footprints stay

until another visitor walks over them"

I need to take a quick nap fuuuucccckkkkk

15.12.2024 , sunday

I have my pre boards from 18th and I'm just cramming up all year's syllabus right now...whew

gotta finish entire physics tonight so that I can do maths tomorrow, I'm gonna be more active over here cuz i am in desperate need of inspo

prolly gonna stay up till 4:30 or 5 am

no way out , gotta lock in 🗣️

to be done -

electric charges & field

electrostatics

current electricity

moving charges

magnetism

emi

AC

if I'll be able to finish this by 5 somehow then I'll also complete electromagnetic waves

25.12.2024 , Wednesday

Merry Christmas everyone!! <3333

I hope your christmas is going better than mine as I literally couldn't celebrate at all cuz I have my chemistry exam tomorrow :")

my family's over for dinner, I just paid them a quick visit and excused myself for studying and yet

Somehow I don't think I studied enough as well , I had so much time and I didn't utilise it well but there's no point in regretting rn

so here's all that I'll try doing before I take a pre-exam nap :

d and f block quick revision and imp questions

physical chemistry quick revision and imp questions

ncert line by line of atleast one of the electrochemistry

revise all the above once before sleeping

that's all , I hope I'm able to manage atleast these

wish me luckkk!!! (pray for me y'all 🩷🩷)

Goddess of Rot

I am going to eat grapes at midnight, if this doesn't magically fixes my entire life then what's the point???

20.12.24 , Friday

I have my physics exam (pre boards) tomorrow and...

I still have so much of my syllabus left to revise it's like not even funny anymore 🐌

I'm just gonna try my best and do as much as I can with all the time that's left

some exams are testing you as a person more than they are testing you on the subject

I think this is one of them...whew

stuff I'll try to finish up before exams

wave optics - ncert questions

electrostatics complete ncert

current electricity ncert

revise the derivations

(ray optics, current electricity, electrostatics)

try to do as many ray optics questions as possible

watch the nuclei video if time's left

Please wish me luck y'all (keep me in your prayers)!!! 🩷🩷