Woo, I’ve Got A Lot Of Reading To Do…

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I once painted a canvas with a boy
We made art together 
That boy was not nice
One day I punched a hole through the canvas
He apologized and I forgave him
I picked up the pieces to the canvas I destroyed 
I taped it together 
I stapled
It was something new Later on this boy popped up
Well he didn’t pop up
I messaged him
And he kept responding
I guess
Secretly he did as I hoped
So I forgave him again
And thought to make the art we made
And I destroyed 
Into something even newer
I took the canvas
And let the pieces that fell apart
I took some photos 
That I destroyed and reassembled 
(Clearly this dude made me crazy)
And let those pieces fall apart 
I put them all together on a new canvas
Something to commemorate the journey
And still acknowledge that it was a journey This boy finally admitted
He was not just a boy
He was not nice
He was A boy who didn’t belong in my life 
I took the canvas apart once again
I took off the old torn painting
I took off the reassembled torn pictures
I took off the little Knick Knacks I added along the way
I torn it all apart and was left
With a blank canvas I replaced that blank canvas with a work of art
With a person
Who I think is myself
If not me entirely 
Then a little bit of me I took that blank canvas and filled it
I filled it with me
My heart
My feelings
I put the thing in the space that should’ve taken up that actual space in the beginning
I filled the blank canvas with love
With admiration 
I filled it with a face 
A face I did not pay attention to
A face I should’ve looked at more
A face I saw 
A face I now see I think Maybe I’m projecting
Maybe I’m interpreting my own art wrong 
But 
this is how it made me feel. 🖤✌🏾

A brown skinned girl

I made my Animoji the other day

And I felt satisfied

seeing myself winking a buldgy bubbly wink

But it wasn’t until my friend

This man

Judged me for the way I made her look

“Whaaa? Why the frick does it look like this? Are you trying to be darker?”

I sink in my seat

“You wanna sing brown skin girl so bad. Do you wanna be darker?”

I can’t respond.

“It’s okay, I wanna be darker too.”

But that’s not what I said.

That’s not how I felt.

It took me awhile to embrace the skin that I was in.

In 1st grade I asked my teacher how to spell Carmel, chocolate, and butterscotch

I wanted to know all my delectable choices

I wanted to find the sweet spot that described me just right.

Rich and full of healthy coco goodness.

But as I grew people assumed I was mixed.

Milk + chocolate.

Maybe cookies and cream.

I was definitely called an Oreo, and at the time it made sense.

But I am mixed with my mom and my dad.

Dark Chocolate

And butterscotch.

And rich combination.

I thought I was cute because other people found my skin and curls desirable.

But they didn’t find me desirable just my lightly coated exterior.

One summer I was working hard and someone spotted me from not to far and they said ,

“Briana is that you? Damn you got crispy! I didn’t even recognize you.”

I was hurt.

I got use to the comfort I found in the hungry eyes of others.

But only when i was looked at as a delectable 9/12 months of the year.

In the summer I baked, and it shifted the way I was received.

I moved One summer, and was told that I couldn’t claim the end of the spectrum I thought I belonged on.

“You can’t be light skin. This dude is light skin. Your brown”

I said

it’s summer.

I’m tan.

it’ll fade.

Itll... fade....

My desirability will grow when my tan fades

Don’t worry

I might be a little over done now, but find me on display in the winter, you’ll see I’ll be just right for the picking.

How awful did that self loathing taste.

It took another mans validation for me to embrace my tan.

“Your not crispy, your glowing”

Your right I am

For the first time I got sum burned,

But that nap under the sun was truly worth it,

Because all the light I absorbed in that day,

I exuded over the rest of the summer.

Even though it hurt, I was walking in a skin that felt just right .

I realized that I could also be desirable in all my shades all year round.

But then in a summer of transformation, I started to feel Green.

I danced till my spirit moved,

I leaped, and twirled around the magnetic power that held me together.

Truly I was green until the mirror reminded me otherwise.

Truly I was the air,

Breathing with the sky.

I was so much more then a shade,

I was the light.

I got comfortable with me.

I validated my self , with the pleasure of existences.

The summer I turned green I couldn’t tell you what the rest of the world saw me as, nor did I care.

I WAS FREAKING GREEN!

But I recently stopped dancing.

I recently overfilled myself with things of the world and I’ve lost touch with the colors of my spirit.

So to hear,

“You wanna be brown skin so bad.. “

Felt so uncomfortable.

I have brown skin.

The world will call me black,

And I know that inside I’m green.

But my skin is literally brown.

Regardless what shade my brown takes at this point in time... it’s still brown.

It’s still just skin.

But honestly it just made me want to find myself back to the summer where I discovered I was Greene.

I wanna keep losing myself in the vibrations of the earth.

I wanna know what’s shade I’m in now, tomorrow, and the infinity of beyond.

Is it green?

or have I shifted to a saturated burgandy?

I wonder if I’ve got polka dots hidden under my layers of rich rich red.

There’s only one way to find out.

Time to deep dive out of the pools of others desires of and into the ocean of divinity that’s contained by this ever shifting brown skin.

In the mist of it all

I shine

In the space of existence

I float

I swim

I tred

I become

I move though time

As my own light

I move with grace

I stumble

I fail

I make wrong turns

But each step I take

Is the right one

The journey is even more

If not

Just as

Important as the unknown destination

.

.

A beam of being slides through the universe

What would you call such a happenstance?

.

.

.

.

.

.

Life.

A family

Asthetic

Ft.

A photobomb

5/26/18

We use each other to move each other

We push and pull

Till we’re both fulfilled

I speak you listen

You guide I follow

You challenge me to be it all

You challenge me to be my best self

I inspire you I think

I challenge you to see a different point of view

I challenge you to be great

You love me

Purely

You love me in a way I’ve never seen before

You loved me as God Loves us all

You loved me unconditionally.

You never forget about me. I always said I was a Christian, but I saw God when I met you.

You were always there when I needed.

You didn’t know I needed you but you knew to call.

I didn’t always know I needed you but I was always glad when you called.

You are always patient with me

You give me the space to be

You make me want to

Your spirit gives me permission to open up

Your being gave me the encouragement to want to be free.

I always wanted to meet someone

I could grow with

And here I am

catching myself bloom

I always said I was a Christian

But I never met God until I met you

One day you said I love you

and it felt like the most comforting words. I felt accepted.

It felt so Pure

You said you loved me and I believed you

you said it again and again

And I couldn’t breathe

you thanked God for making me

and I thanked God for making you.

One day you said you didn’t love me

Because of how I looked or what I could do. You didn’t love me because I made you feel a certain way

You said you loved me because you loved God

You said you loved me simply because you do.

Your spirit saw mine and they grew and glowed.

They loved each other

We brightened each other’s lights

I saw God in you and it brought to life the God in me.

I’ve heard that words 1,000 times

That God is Love

But I never knew those word till the Day you said them

I had never met God until I met you

I will make it trough

this is one challenge will set me up for a even bigger one

I will kick ass now

so I can break walls later

I was not given anything I cannot handle

I am meant for great things

I will succeed

I will see success

I will define my own success. 

I will conquer

I will overcome

I will do everything in my power to be the best me possible

I am surrounded with light

I myself am a light

I have accomplished many things

I have much more left

I have accomplished many things

I have much more left

I am destined for great things

I will not leave this earth unchanged

every change is for the good

every step is forward 

every step is in the right direction

nothing Is impossible

these things will come to pass

I am a light

I shine in darkness

there is no darkness in me

darkness cannot exist without light

if my light shines in and through me

then it can shine beyond me

I can light dark corners

I can light dark hearts

I can be a light in darkness

I am me

I am here

I am exactly where I need to be 

when I need to be there

I am me

I am here

I am right

I am moving in the right

I will make waves

I will make the ground move

I will succeed

 I am success

I am bright

I am me

I am here

I will overcome

I have overcome

I will be victorious

victory is for me

what is meant for me will be for me

I am me

I am here

I am where I need to be

when I need to be there

I am no mistake

I am here

I am me

I am me

I am me

I am me

and I exist with a purpose

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

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I WILL SUCCEED

I WILL SUCCEED

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I WILL SUCCEED

Women are human , and humans do whatever their curiosity, imagination, and hearts lead them to do.

Not the words and rules created by other humans.