Crying Rn 🤣😔

Ona | Bojan Cvjetićanin

Pairing: Bojan Cvjetićanin x reader

Summary: Bojan wrote this song about you and preformed it at one of the bands concerts for the first time. Through the song he started to spill his feelings for you for the first time after your breakup and you have a few thoughts.

Warning/s: possible grammar and spelling mistakes, mention of mental breakdown, maybe one curse word, bad breakup.

Author's note: Here is one for out golden retriever beautiful boy. I hope that you enjoy this one! Feel free to send in requests if you want me to make something specific with him. Oh and, btw, here is the translation for this amazing song. Your welcome. 😉

It was so bright out there, it started to hurt your eyes a little bit. You were standing somewhere in the middle of the crowd watching the love of your love. The love of your life... that you decided to let go because you felt like you weren't good enough.

You were attending yet another Joker Out's concert, but it felt different this time. Maybe because Bojan and you weren't together anymore.

Joker Out was here, in Croatia's capital city of Zagreb. This was the next stop for their concert. This is where the two of you met. Right here in Zagreb on a hot, sunny day in a crowded city. In your hometown. In the breathing country where you were born and raised in.

So here you were. In your hometown where Joker Out was performing. The first time that you heard that they will be performing in Zagreb, it felt like someone punched you in the stomach. But then you felt something different, you felt the need to see him again. Even if he doesn't take a notice in you as you stood in the middle of the crowd that was dancing and singing along. So you decided to go.

The moment that they stepped onto the stage you felt like you would cry. You missed them all so much. You somehow found the strength deep in your soul to look at Bojan. And so you did. He was just so gorgeous. He looked even better then when he did on the day that you left him (Lana Del Rey anyone? No? Okay...). He still had long hair, he was tall and just oh, so handsome. You noticed one thing however, his playful and mesmerizing, so radiant, smile or his playful smirk wasn't pressed onto his face like it always was. It worried you, truly. You watched as they got in their possession and as Bojan took the microphone.

"So... for the first song I will be singing something that hasn't been released just yet." He spoke in Serbian (it's actually very similar to Croatian, you know?) as he watched the crowd go wild with excitement as they claped and shouted and screamed with pure joy, with pure excitement.

"This song is also very special to me." He said, his voice was deep as he looked down in what seems to be sadness.

"It's about a very special person about who, I hate to admit it, I didn't get over and I don't think that I ever will." He paused for a moment so he could take a deep breath so he could continue to speak. "I met her right here, actually. In the beautiful Zagreb a year ago and I can honestly say that I fell for her harder then I ever did for anyone." The crowd was cheering, screaming, in excitement as Bojan introduced Joker Out's unrelated song.

"This one is for her." He said as the rest of the bend slowly started to play the chords. You felt your last bit of your breath leave your lungs as you felt tears pricking in your eyes, your vision getting blurry. You couldn't move. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't think.

But once he met your eyes deep in the crowd, where you stood, just as he started to sing, you felt like you were going to collapse.

Hodam opet njenom ulicom

Brutalno se vuče otkad nisam više s njom

Stanem ispod njenog prozora

Jedna njena senka da me spasi očaja

Bojan was walking around the dark cornered alley in the middle of the night. It must have been midnight by now. As he walked, he could see his breath in the cold of the Zagreb's winter, cold night. As he watched his breath become visible in the cold, dark night, he found himself pulling his dark coat closer to himself. It was truly a good attempt to keep himself from freezing.

Before he knew it, he found himself walking along the familiar road. The road that he walked along too many times to count, but right now, he was all alone. He looked up so he could be met face to face with the moon. It was shining so brightly in the middle of the dark night's sky. It was staring right at him, it seemed like it was mocking him. It was mocking his heartbreak and his loneliness. It was mocking him.

Suddenly, as Bojan looked down, he felt like the last breath was knocked out of his lungs. You were skipping along the frozen road, your steps quickly increasing as you went towards your apartment.

He felt like a staker, even though he wasn't one. He slowely started to go after you, something was pulling him towards you. That invisible pull was there again, just like it first appeared when he saw you for the first time.

After a while, you finally came into your apartment. You leaned against the window with a heavy sigh. Bojan could see you from the street and as he watched you he felt like he was suffocating.

Bojan loved you. You know what? Scratch that. He loves you. He longs for you. He wants you to be safe and as he watched you quitly from down below, he once again exposed his pain for the Croatian girl to the moon. To the moon, to the darkes and the cold winter in the middle of the street.

Nisam ni zaslužio da završimo uživo

Jedna poruka i via more

Snegovi u avgustu sad po meni padaju

Dok tebe sunce greje, mi amore

It felt like it was a good day. Truly. Bojan and you went out to get lunch and to explore the city. You were just hanging out together and it felt so good to do it. However, all good things have to come to an end.

Bojan didn't expect it at all. It struck him like a bolt of lightning. Out of nowhere, just when you think the day is going to be beautiful, and it hit hard. Really hard. In fact, it hit so hard it hurt.

"I'm sorry, Bojan. I really don't want to do this, but I think it's for the best if we break up."

That was it. Bojan could still remember those words echoing in his mind even though you never said them out loud. You told him this through text messages and maybe that's why it hurts even more than it would if you told him that to his face.

You loved him so much. You still love him so much that it hurts. Joker Out was starting to be a big band that has so much potential, and with that came so much more fame. You just didn't want to be in the way. You felt like you weren't good enough for him. You felt like he could do, and deserves, so much better than you. You were so happy with him, in fact, you were happier than you have ever been. But you didn't want to be in the way. So you made a hard choice.

Nobody could ever know, nobody could ever describe the pain, suffering and all that misery that you felt that day. That miserable feeling you felt when you pressed that little "send" button on your phone. As you watched the message being sent, you cried so much that it felt like you were going to collapse. After that you cut all of the contacts with him.

It was for his own good, that's what you told yourself. It's what you always told yourself as you broke down in the middle of your bedroom floor.

Znaj, bebo, znaj

Celu noć sam plakao zbog tebe

Taj osećaj

Da za mene živo ti se jebe

Ubija me

Bojan felt like a part of his soul was ripped away from his body as he read that message over and over again. He cried so much it started to hurt. He has never felt this way before. He hated to admit it, but he has never loved anyone as much as he loves you. It was intoxicating, but most of all it was painful and infuriating.

It lasted too long. Jan didn't know what to do anymore. Bojan just kept on crying, he was crying for so long, in fact, it was already dark outside. Jan was afraid that something was going to happen to him if he doesn't do something. And quick. It looked like Bojan wasn't breathing anymore. His broken soul didn't allow him to take a break, even just so he could breathe.

So Jan panicked and before he knew it, he was calling you up. He watched Bojan from the other room as the grip on his phone tightened. He found himself silently begging you to pick up your damn phone and answer him.

And so you did. After the millionth ring and after about two hundred messages later. You picked up the phone.

Jan told you everything. You were crying before he called you and it took everything in your power to not break down while being on the phone call with Bojan's band mate and your friend. You were practically kicking yourself for your decision, but there wasn't much that you could do.

From that day on, Jan tried everything in his power to get you two to at least meet. And for the first time, in a very long time, he succeeded. He managed to convince you to come to their concert.

In the city where you met.

Znaj, bebo, znaj

Celu noć sam plakao zbog tebe

Taj osećaj

Da za mene živo ti se jebe

Ubija me

Ubija me

As Bojan sang the last few chords of the song, he never broke the eye contact. You felt a few tears betraying you as they ran down your cheeks. Before you knew it, you found yourself whispering the words for which you barely found the strength to say.

"Celu noć si plakao zbog mene." You said, practically out of breath. It felt like you were kicked in your stomach as he continued to hold your gaze. You felt more tears as you found yourself repeating the words you just said.

"Celu noć si plakao zbog mene..." You couldn't do this to yourself anymore. You couldn't do this to him anymore. It was too much. The pain and suffering was getting out of hand.

You had to fix this.

no but also this POV… yeah

being very normal about my fellow finn don’t worry about it

Perfectly Intoxicating (Pt.8)

What to Expect: Javier Peña X F!Reader. **SMUT WARNING (Minors do not interact - NSFW). EXTREME FLUFF & More Angst than other parts. Characters and their names have been added to create depth. Far off from the Narcos storyline/timelines at this point. Post Pablo Escobar's death. Pts 1-7 should be read to understand details within the story. Apologies for and errors with spelling/grammar/Spanish. No use to Y/N but physical descriptions/preferences (She is me and I am not sorry). Please Read at your own risk. I am not responsible for what you consume on the internet. Summary: We were working as an assistance to Peña and Murphy in Columbia. You started a casual relationship with Javier that leads to your pregnant with his baby. Sporadic Time Gaps Included in this Pt. Warnings/Mentions of: unprotected PIV sex, fingering, stimulation, orgasms, dirty talk, liquor, swearing, pet names, smoking, breeding k!nk Javi, pregnancy. Theme Song: Value - John Splithoff

A/N: WOW, finally the last official part of my series. (Part 9 will be the Epilogue). IM SORRY IT'S MOSTLY FLUFFY DOMESTIC JAVI BECAUSE IM STARVING FOR HIS LOVE. (The Epilogue will be the smuttiest of smut, the fluff, and a Steve and reader reunion - I promise). As this series comes to a close I want to say thank you so so much to all my readers. I have my new Javi series in the works and its going to be written a bit different, but I am so excited to share it. Join my Taglist All Parts will be in my Masterlist And all my FIPs list what I will be putting out next Enjoy!! and your comments and reblogs mean the world to me -g<33

“Javi!” You call out to him as you try to balance on your apartment couch. Your hand barely able to grab the photo hanging above it. Your one leg up on the arm of the couch as you look down at it, debating on trying to balance to get a better angle. Javier comes around the corner with your dish cloth over his shoulder, wiping his hands off on his jeans. “What are you doing, Cariño?” His eyes widening and coming to your assistance. He grabs your hand and helps you off the couch, soon replacing you and grabbing the photo from the wall. 

He hands it to you and your mind replays the moment you brought it home. Your fingers tracing the outline of painted waves. Being the first item to help create the space as your own, now being the last item put away; nurtures the growing feeling of bitter sweetness. 

You wrap up the last unpacked item in newspaper and put it in a box. “You should really stop trying to climb the entire place now,” he stands in front of you. “We don’t want to risk any accidents.”  His hands come to your hips and move to the sides of your pregnant stomach. He gives you a delicate rub before his hands drift to the sides of your face. “That’s why I called you,” you look up at him with puppy eyes. You both smile and he places a soft and slow kiss to your lips.

__

You had reached the end of your term in Columbia and were now ending your fifth month of pregnancy. Everything had gone smoothly, aside from the baby doing gymnastics around 12AM every evening. You had spent the week packing up your apartment to have everything shipped to your moms in Miami. 

You and Javi had booked a trip to Texas that required you to leave tomorrow, to visit Chucho for two weeks. Soon after, you two would be visiting your mom and moving into a rental that Javi found for you. 

Just you… About Mexico…

After a few long nights of discussions, Javi had agreed to take on Mexico after he helped you settle into that rental in Miami.

There was a lot of crying leading up to the decision. Pregnancy hormones weren’t helping and made you more emotional than usual (which was already a lot). Javier was also back to smoking more regularly after trying to quit.

That night after you both found out about the reassignment to Mexico; you had given in to a looming breakdown. “I don’t understand why she would do this to us. I’m fucking pregnant for god’s sake!” You would sit with your back against the bath tub, similar to when you found out you were pregnant. Javier sitting beside you. Your emotions being driven by a replay of all the other agents you could overhear in the office, talking about how Mexico was even more dangerous than Columbia. “Is she trying to get you killed?” You would wail to Javi, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. Your eyes trying to plead with his. Desperately wanting him to retract his acceptance of this new assignment, without you having to ask. 

“I’m sorry baby, Im so, so sorry,” Javier sat with both his arms holding you, as you sobbed into his chest. He kept quiet just rubbing your back, as your cries would eventually die out. Until you were laying in his lap, staring into space. The truth was, Javier was devastated about all of it, too. He wasn’t even sure what to say. In the silence, his mind was running. Javi was trying to think of ways to ‘not fuck this up’. To fix it. To be able to have you and this family life - as well as the job. But he knew deep down that having everything would be impossible. There was always the chance that something like this could happen. That the job could separate you two some more. And what kind of life would that be for you? You, that had been so understanding. Always putting him first when he had first initially told you he would take it. You understood that he needed to do this. But you couldn’t help but feel like a second choice. Talking to yourself repeatedly. ‘What did you expect? you’ve only known the man 12 months and you’re going to have his baby. He could not drop everything for you.’

But as you laid in his lap on the bathroom floor, tears drying sticky against your face, eyes wide open you realized that you have never asked him. Never asked him to choose you as you didn’t want to feel too needy. But it was now or never. As much as you fought it the words slither out of your mouth in regret. “Does she not understand how much I’m going to need you?” you whisper to him, unemotional. 

Javier’s rubbing stops and his face hardens at your words. He had been waiting months for you to say that.

He remembers after he got shot. How he wanted you to say you ‘needed him’. How hearing those few words would make him fight for this, for you.  He helps you to sit up to look at him. “What did you just say, hermosa?” he asks, his eyes looking stunned into yours. You whimper as you pout. “Javi, I need you. Please don’t go.”

From that moment on, Javier changed. Even more than he already had. He had become very clingy and more loving than usual. 

He tried to come up with a solution after your meltdown. He had agreed with the Admin to do Mexico if he was able to come back before the baby’s due date. The shortest time she agreed to was two months, then he could come home when you were moving into the last month of your pregnancy. As if the Administrator couldn’t be more punishing - he was forced into early retirement once the two months were to end. It was either Columbia, Mexico, or Retirement. 

The discussion with you following this newfound decision resulted in Javier excitedly crafting up a plan to move in with you. He was relishing in the idea of taking on ‘full time dad.’ He had insisted on this, as much as you tried to be supportive of whatever he were to decide on. But the plan was set. You both were not pleased about his two month absence, but Javier tried to bring in the positive with 'At least it’s only two months, cariño.’  

Things had gotten better, but you were still dreading those two months apart that were creeping right around the corner. You wouldn’t be getting any sleep, and neither would Javi. You both were constantly anxious about the distance and what that would entail for your relationship. Ever since Javi found out about the pregnancy, he had been spending every night curled up behind you. In your place or his. His arms holding you and the baby tightly. Barely getting any sleep (not like he did much already).  Every shift you would make had his eyes fluttering open and his hands stroking your hot skin. As much as he tried to remain positive for you, the nervousness of not being able to protect you ate at him.  Aside from the distance and loneliness, what kept you up most nights was that Javier would be forced into retiring from a job that had become his life. Everything he worked for. A job that had shaped the very person he was. All because you asked. You couldn’t help but feel a massive amount of guilt. Despite each of your concerns, he was constantly reassuring you that a new life was starting. A life of family. Something he couldn’t pass up on. The fuelling need for connection created a strong instinctive urge to protect you and this baby at all times. The feeling hovering over him like a dark cloud, waiting to pour heavy rain in a drought. 

A rain that would wash away all the fucking bad things in his life. Give him a clean slate.  “After all the death I’ve seen, I need this princesa.” He would murmur to you, before bed, every night since. After all, you needed him. He finally knew for sure now. Call him delusional for believing the rest would fall into place. That is if he could make it home to you, safely. __

“I called Pap yesterday, he’s really looking forward to seeing us.” Javi smiles at you as you walk into the kitchen to throw away some garbage.  You just finished packing the last of your things. Leaving one box open for whatever needs to be thrown in last minute. He’s pushing around meat in a frying pan for dinner. You smile, exhausted. “You okay?” he asks. He knows your silence too well now. “Just have a headache,” you whine and shuffle over to him. You move into the nook of his side, resting your head between his chest and arm, you both watch the meat sizzle on the stove. He puts his arm around you, as he shifts the meat around with the spatula, rubbing your back lightly. “Well, you’ve been packing all day. Why don’t I finish this and run a bath before we eat, huh?” He asks, rubbing your arm. You nod, disassociated by the pounding in your head. After the meat cooks, Javi grabs your hand and you follow him to the bathroom. You sit on the edge of the bathtub while he gets the water running. You peel off your sweater revealing one of Javi’s casual white cotton t-shirts. Your belly pokes out of the bottom and he notices the light pink stretch marks that had creeped upwards towards your belly button.

He stares down at you for a minute, smiling and waiting for you adjust yourself. Your brows come together in annoyance at how increasingly worse the headache has become.  He gets down on one knee and helps you pull off your sweat pants. Leaving you in nothing but your underwear and his t-shirt. His warm hands come over your covered belly and he leans in, giving the bump a gentle kiss. You sigh blissfully, a smile taking over your expression. Mainly because the warmth from his hands feels better than anything right now. Despite the changes to your body, you had grown more confident and happy with yourself. You had expected to feel the complete opposite. Shy and self conscious. But there was something about being the home for a baby that would be the best parts of both you and Javi; made you radiate. You were meant to do this. It also helped that Javi never let you forget how beautiful you are. Always so clingy, even in public. Not letting go of your hand anywhere, for any reason. Always helping you put your shoes on and had even insisted on stopping to buy you maternity wear, when everything over-sized stopped fitting. After all, this came as a second nature to Javier. You were having his baby, therefore he would do anything to make you the most comfortable. You would never have to ask. 

You felt as though you were in a dream, waiting to wake up. Everything felt hazy and way too good to be true.  The dream state would dissipate every once in a while. You would slip back into the present, remembering that you only had one month left together. Before being ripped apart by the assignment. Two months was too long. There wasn’t enough time with him in each day. 

You hold your hands over his as he leaves them on your stomach. His chocolate brown eyes look softly up at you, a big smile plastered on his face. He’s waiting for his baby to kick. “Never does it when you want” you tell him, unable to contain your laughter at his childlike expression. “Sólo doce por la noche, eh? when your mama is trying to sleep,” he clicks his tongue in annoyance.

‘Only twelve at night.’ He had been speaking more Spanish to the baby lately. You thought it was the sweetest thing. Javier was already the best dad and the best boyfriend.

You were finally starting to believe it. That he needs this just as much as you do. You had an ultrasound appointment tomorrow before the flight to Texas. You both hadn’t decided if you wanted to find out the gender or not, but you had felt as though it was a boy. The idea of giving Javi a miniature version of himself, comforted you. He helps you into the bath with one hand. Your body twitching at the hot temperature. “Oh my god, Javi!” you hiss at him as you slowly go to sit. “What’s wrong?” he smirks. “I thought you could handle the heat?” His eyebrow raises as he tries to stifle a laugh. “Not when I’m already being used as an oven for your child.” You huff out a sarcastic chuckle as you manage to sit amongst the bubbles. He sits at the edge of the tub as you groan in pure contentment. “This feels so good,” your eyes flutter closed. Your headache still pounding into your temples. 

Javi sits at the edge of bathtub looking down at you with hooded eyes. His hand dips down into the water and he splashes it lightly up to your exposed collarbones. 

He’s always so attentive. It’s what makes you constantly want to give to him. In more ways than one.

You look at him through your lashes before you eyes fall to below his belt. His erection has grown evident against the restricting fabric. 

He notices you eyeing him. 

“You know what takes headaches away?” He teases, his hand moving lower down your chest. 

He toys each overly sensitive nipple as your lips part. Every time he goes to touch you its like your whole body is lit on fire. It almost hurts how bad you ache for him. 

The way he’s leaning over you has left him hovering above your face, both lustfully staring at one another. 

“I think I know exactly what you’re referring to,” you exhale before coming up to smush your lips against his. 

He stays playing with your breasts as your wet hand grips his face, the other coming to the bulge of his jeans. 

The warm water soaking into him through his clothes makes him snicker against your lips. 

“Someone’s needy,” he groans before kissing you again. 

“And it’s only been what?” He pulls off you, to look at his watch. 

“Less than 10 hours since I made you” He hesitates, as a smirk covers his lips. "shake, baby.” His deep voice has your heartbeat fall between your legs. 

It’s true. 

This morning Javi woke you up by eating you out. Which had been happening a lot lately. 

“I know but,” you bite his bottom lip. 

“I need you again, your fingers-” you drag out before inhaling him into another kiss. 

Your palm subconsciously pushing against him harder in his jeans. 

“Please Javi,” you pout up at him. There it was again - you saying that you needed him, followed by the prettiest ‘please’ to ever leave your lips. 

The way you say his name while you’re begging, gets him kneeling beside the tub. His hand in the water, gliding over your stomach and landing between your legs.  

The way you’ve both been kissing these past two months has been incredible. Enough to almost get you there on it’s own. 

Slow, wet, and sensual.

He had started frantically sucking and biting at your lips and your neck more often too. Like he couldn’t get enough of you. You let his fingers do the work. In the water he’s still able to feel how ready you are for him. He teases your entrance before his fingers lift to rub your clit slowly. “Javi,” you breath out. “So wet already, hermosa.” He growls. He’s right. With all the changes happening to your body, it didn’t take much. This sensitivity of course, made Javi want you even more. He loved the way he could go for hours until you couldn’t take it anymore. Shaking and practically crawling away from him. He could not get enough and it exhausted you both. His index and middle finger slip inside as his thumb keeps rubbing. You shift in the bath, laying back as you watch him.

The way his cheek is still wet from the bath water on your hand. His jaw clenching and his lips parting slightly as he watches you squirm and moan for him. The way his bicep flexes as his fingers continue to pleasure you. 

The vascularity of his arm is enough to almost send you over. Your brows push together and your mouth falls open. 

His fingers curl up to find that soft spot that brings you sweet release. “Javi, I,” your eyes squeeze shut as you’re just about over the edge. He smirks, proud of himself. “You’ve been coming so fast, baby,” he huffs. His lips part further as he looks down at where his hand is between you, as though he can see through the layer of bubbles on the surface. The feel of you squeezing against his fingers makes his cock twitch as it grows harder. “That’s it,” he licks his lips. “Come for me,” he exhales. After a few more fast taps with the pads of his fingers, you finish. Letting out little yelps for him, followed by whimpers, as your hands come up to swipe over your face. He gives a few more teasing strokes between your folds as you flinch. “I can’t -I can’t,” you plead, prying his wrist out from between you. Javi pulls his hand out with a laugh and grabs the shampoo from the side of the tub. He’s been kneeling next to the jacuzzi tub. “Come here,” he motions for you to sit with your back to where he’s sitting. You slide over, still breathless. He squeezes the shampoo into his hands, lathering it into your scalp. His strong fingers giving you one of the best head massages known to man.

Your eyes flutter closed and you wonder how you got so lucky. Moments like this, had you convinced that Javier really was the most caring and compassionate man to walk this earth. You knew that relationships had been off the table for him for a long time.   Javier had way too much love to give and too little time in his schedule. But you could tell he craved this. Craved the connection.    His soapy hands come down to your neck and shoulders, rubbing all the tension out. The headache practically gone. Without even thinking, you let out a euphoric groan. He laughs in return. “That feel good, princesa?” he coos in your ear. You can’t even say anything in return, only little grateful hums. Then you ask him. “How have you managed to stay single?” You both laugh at how ridiculous and random that sounds. “What do you mean by that?” his hands working at the knots in your upper back. “You’ve just been so,” you stare at the blank bathroom wall. “Good to me.” He huffs out another laugh. “It makes me wonder how I’m the one lucky enough to receive all this.”  There is a long silence as his thumbs lighten up in pressure, turning into a soothing stroke. Javi’s heart aches at the thought of no one treating you how you deserved.

“I’ve always been good to women,” his voice low. You don’t say anything, as there is an ounce of jealously pooling deep in your stomach. Thinking about all the woman Javi had given this treatment to before you. Rubbing their back, shampooing them. Sticking his fingers inside them and being with them so intimately, like he has been with you. “It’s never been about being good to a woman. It’s,” he starts, taking his time to get the words out exactly how he wants. “It’s been about the timing and the pain of loss.” His words burn your chest, making your heart ache for him. All this time Javier Peña has been scared to lose a partner. Exactly like you were scared, to be lost. 

He had tried with Maria and failed. Soon after, trying to avoid the hurt by being alone and focusing on the only thing he felt good at - the job. Not realizing that the loneliness had been wounding him, just as bad.

He had confirmed your suspicions about his views on commitment. It being all too familiar, in a way that fuelled motivation inside you to get this right. It’s no wonder you both fit together so well. Two pieces of a puzzle, depraved of fitting together so effortlessly. 

You turn your body to face him as he sits along the outside wall of the bath, your head full of shampoo. “So,” you place your hands over one another, laying your chin on them. Inches away from his face. “Are you afraid to lose me?” you look into his deep brown eyes, eyebrows raising in anticipation. He looks down into his lap, nervously smiling. His head lifting slightly and he looks through his brows at you. “More than you even know.” You watch as his eyes search your face. He’s waiting for some relief from the vulnerability he’s just exposed to you. You search his expression in return, sucking in your lips flat as you debate on saying it. But you do anyways. “I’m afraid to lose you too,” you whisper back. The definition more so meaning you don’t want to lose him by losing yourself. ___ After dinner, Javi helps you change into your new pyjamas and you both settle into bed. As his hand goes to wrap around you like every other night, you turn to face him instead. You both lay on your side, the ceiling fan circulating the cool air through your bedroom. His eyes trail down to your stomach, his hand lifting the side of the tank you’re wearing. His fingers lightly grazing over the vessel being used to create a little human. You watch as his face softens with the twitch of his eyebrows. “Do you want to know tomorrow?” he grumbles, stroking shapes into your warm skin. Your hand stops his, linking your fingers together.  “I don’t know,” you huff, both staring at your intertwined hands. “Do you?” you ask him. His eyebrows raise in thought. “I don’t think that part is super important to me.” You both lay silent for a moment longer. You’re almost asleep before he speaks again. “A little girl,” he mumbles, his index finger running a soft line from the top of your bump, to your belly button. “You think?” You ask smiling, half asleep. He sits in his thoughts before speaking. “I like to think she’s like you,” He smirks.  “Warm,” he looks at your face, pushing a strand of hair from your cheek. “Kind,” a kiss to your nose. “Selfless.” he finishes with a deep kiss to your lips. You continue to kiss slow, wrapping your legs up in one another, your belly grazing against his body. _____

The next morning you meet with Steve while Javier takes care of some last minute stuff in the office. “So, did you decide?” Steve asks. His blue eyes look up at you over his burrito he’s biting into. It’s like he hasn’t eaten in his entire life.  You’re both at a food cart outside, sitting at a wooden picnic bench. He’s referring to the gender of the baby. Wanting to know if you and Javier had made a decision to find out at the appointment today. “We decided to wait,” you tell him, squinting because of the sun. He nods as he chews. “I mean, as long as the baby’s healthy, right?” He tells you, wiping his mouth on a napkin. You both finish your food and head back to the office. You’re officially done your contract so you wait for Javi at his desk. Both your luggage bags parked securely near his desk.   “So I will take the liberty of shipping your stuff back to Miami,” Steve says, walking over with a pen and paper for you to write down your moms address. Steve had agreed to ship all of 5 boxes to Miami and your mom offered to pay for it with part of the money your father left her. His estate left enough to cushion her bank account, help you out if needed, and to pay off their large ocean front home. It was your type of dream home. She had always offered you to stay but you couldn’t imagine living with her for longer than a week. The two weeks visiting were going to be interesting, to say the least. Your mother could be a bit… much.

“Thanks so much Stevie,” you smile at him. Part of you was sad, leaving him in Columbia alone. You were going to miss him. He still had months to go out here, and he was losing Peña as a partner because of you.

He returns the gesture, as you stand in front of him. Sadness lingering behind his eyes. As much as he would never admit it, he was sad to lose you too. He would miss having someone to annoy him. His hand comes to the top of your head, messing with your hair. “Take care of yourself, yeah?” He winks at you, trying to hide the devastation. You watch him intently before throwing your arms around his waist. How did he think you would go without a goodbye hug. He immediately invites you in by snaking his arms around your back. Resting his chin down on the top of your head, before giving it a quick kiss. This was his goodbye. Just then Javier rounds the corner wearing a white button up with an open beige vest. His tight blue jeans hugging his legs, just like the first time you laid eyes on him. Your stomach flutters. He really was Intoxicating - Still is -  Perfectly Intoxicating. He looks over at you, eyes curious. “Ready to go?” He asks. You nod and he shifts his gaze to Steve. Javi smiles at him, reaching his hand out to shake. Steve goes to return the action but Javi brings him in for a one arm hug instead. After a fast slap on the back he pulls away to look at Steve. “Will’ see ya again,” he reassures him. Steve looks down in awkwardness. After years of being Javier’s partner, he was wrapping up this chapter. But it didn’t mean they weren’t going to see each other again, this time as friends. “Yeah,” Steve sighs, fidgeting with the paper in his hands. “I’m sure you’ll need us to babysit in a couple years anyways.” He laughs. _____ The doctors appointment goes over well. Everything was just as normal as it could be. Even though this baby was testing your limits with constant cravings and the need to pee, it was healthy. And like Steve said, that’s all that matters. You both drive to the airport in silence. Javier has one hand gripping the wheel as the other holds up the sonogram. He stared at it intently with his amber coloured sunglasses on. A small smile pulling at his lips. “This is crazy,” he mumbles. Your heart warms as you watch him, wanting to remember this moment for the rest of your life. You smile as you sit to face him in the passenger seat. “Something to bring with you to Mexico.” The tone of your voice genuine but sad, making Javi’s head turn fast to look at you. He can see the genuine sorrow seeping out of your eyes at the thought of him leaving. He’s mad at himself for it.   “I’m gonna have it on me at all times.” He affirms, setting the photo down in the cup holder and grabbing your leg. He gives you a reassuring squeeze to your thigh. “It’ll be my good luck charm.” 

______ You both arrive in Texas after almost a 6 hour direct flight from Bogotá Your back is killing you. 

Javier’s father Don Chucho had offered to pick you both up at the airport but with you being almost 6 months pregnant, Javier decided to rent a car. He didn’t want his father meeting you for the first time and also finding out about the baby - in an airport. The drive to the ranch was long and excruciating on your back. Javier had stopped multiple times along the way for you to use the gas station restroom, to get snacks, and for you to stretch. Soon, the city view out the window turned into a long stretch of dirt road. Long lengths of field on either side of the vehicle. Some with cows, others with horses. You smile at the view. The idea of little Javier growing up out here and being free from all the violence that was drug related crime; created a contentment that you wished for your own baby. The type of childhood you wished you could have had. As much as you felt bad about Javi retiring, you were selfishly happy that he wouldn’t be doing that kind of work anymore. He could be the type of father to your baby, that you never had.  A mentally present one. You sigh at the thought. The long road takes a wide curve leading into a tree line and Javier gives your leg a squeeze. “We’re here.” The truck comes to a soft stop. You sit up in your seat as you stare at the large country home with scuffed white siding and a wrap around porch. The left side of the home is an octagon shape and with the truck window open you can hear the weather vane at the tip of its roof. The metal arrows clinking around in the light blow of the wind. It’s beautiful. You look around at the yard filled with farming machinery. A red barn behind the home and the distant neighs of horses carried by the breeze. A big smile creeping onto your face. You already love it here. Javi gets out of the truck you rented and walks over to your side. Your head sticks out the window, taking everything in. You’re mesmerized by how calm the air feels. “Javier!” you hear Don Chucho exclaim. You smile as you watch him waddle out the front door of the large house, sporting his white cowboy hat and thick moustache. His arms are open in a welcoming gesture, before he uses the old railing to help himself down from the porch onto the thick grass. You smile as you look him up and down. His grey hair neatly combed back in his hat. The colour matching his moustache that is significantly thicker than Javiers. He’s wearing similar sunglasses to his son and a blue long sleeve button up, rolled half way up his forearms. Blue jeans pulled over his dark brown cowboy boots. It’s like you’re staring at someone famous, considering everything you’ve heard about him. He walks to your side of the vehicle where Javi stands next to your door, nervous. You place your hand on his shoulder and he turns his head to face you, chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. Your touch instantly calms him. Giving him a reassuring nod before looking to Chucho. “No hug for your old man?” he grumbles to Javier. Smiling big with his arms spread wide. The wrinkles around his mouth when he looks over at you, suggest he’s lived a happy life. Aside from losing his wife.  

“Hey Pap,” Javi walks slowly over to his dad and they engulf one another in a rough embrace. Chucho walks over to you and sticks his hand out to greet you. Your head lifts from resting on the edge of the open window and you reach your hand out to him in return. You give him a stern and confident handshake. “And you’re,” You cut him off to introduce yourself. “It’s nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard so much about you,” you smile, wide. Chucho looks to Javier as he grips your hand in both of his, giving you a pat. It’s like he’s giving Javier the eye - ‘I like this one.’ It instantly makes Javier smirk while looking down at his feet. “You have a beautiful place here,” you tell him, your eyes taking another scan of the property. Chucho lets go of your hand and places his hands on his hips, as he too looks around. You watch as so many of Javiers mannerisms come from his father. It makes you almost laugh. “Well, thank you darlin’.” He stares between you and Javi as silence fills the air. “Why don’t we get you outta’ that truck and inside, huh?” He asks reaching for the handle. Javier almost panics at the need to be cautious. He grabs the truck door from Chucho to slow it’s opening. Javier’s readiness to help you takes Chucho by surprise and he steps back. The door is open, blocking your body from Chucho as your sneakers hit the grass. The pain in your back makes you wince. “You okay?” Javi asks quietly, overly concerned with wide eyes. “Yeah,” you exhale. “I have to just grab my bag.”  You turn back into the truck and Javier watches you intently. “Wow, you two are like a moth and a flame” Chucho grumbles out to Javier. He had never seen Javier so careful and attentive around a woman since Lorraine, or even his mother. 

Javi looks sideways at his father, almost scolding him. Chucho lets out a raspy laugh at the annoyance in Javi’s expression. You turn back to face Javi, adjusting your shirt over your growing belly. He looks down at you and you give him a confident nod, ready for what’s about to come. Javier leads you by your hand, out from behind the truck door and slams it shut. You slowly move your eyes to Chucho’s face as his fall to your body and stop at your stomach. The silence is loud as Javi moves beside you and grabs your hand tight. “Pap, this is uh,” he stutters, scratching the back of his neck.  “The reason we came here.” Chucho stays blinking at your baby bump for what seems like hours. Unable to say anything. Javi looks at you worried, he’s wondering if he’s broken his father. Chucho’s hesitant eyes look through his brows at Javier, then to you. When finally, he moves. He hobbles up to you, eyes back glued to your stomach. “May I?” his dark eyes look into yours, moustache twitching. You nod with a quiet, “Of course.” His old and worn hands come to your stomach as he stares down at it.

You can feel his warmth through your shirt as one hand moves from the side of your tummy to the top of it. A smile finally pulls at his lips as a little foot kicks his palm. Your eyes widen and you both can’t help but chuckle. The laughter pulls a relieved sigh out of Javier. It’s as if he’s been holding his breath waiting for his fathers reaction. 

“Oh ya,” Chucho’s low voice vibrates through you. “That’s a baby Peña in there,” he looks back up at you through his grey brows. “A kicker just like it’s daddy.” ___

After a long tour of the house and farm area you finally sit at the edge of the bed, pulling your sore feet into your hands, giving them a quick massage. Javier closes the guest bedroom door and walks straight over to you. He gets on his knees in front of you, making you drop your leg back down. His face red as though he might combust. He looks at you intensely, creating worry in your reaction. “Javi, is everything,” He cuts you off by cupping your face in his hands gently, and kissing your lips soft. It lasts for a while. Tangling tongues and taking turns nipping at each others lips. He finally pulls away as you exhale onto him. The kiss was enough to flood your core with arousal . “What was that for?” You ask, breathless.

His nose drags across yours softly, as he smiles. “I’m just really, happy.” He’s almost giggling. You smile as your stomach flutters like it always has. You love happy and giggly Javier.

It also made him extremely horny. 

“How’s your back?” he asks, forehead still pressed to yours as his arms fall to your sides. His fingers tracing shapes into your hips, enough to tickle you. Your eyes flutter shut as you breath out a response. “It’s alright. It’s more my feet now,” you moan at the feeling of his breath on your lips, and his fingers playing with the bare skin of your hips “Mmm,” he hums, his tongue swipes over his bottom lip. “Does my girl need a foot massage?” his eyebrow lifts slightly and you both inhale each other in another kiss. “Yes, please.” _______ Chucho insisted on you and Javier relaxing will he makes dinner. You both sit on the front porch swing, listening to cicadas and crickets singing all around the yard. You can hear Chucho banging around in the kitchen through a nearby open window. Even with the glow of the inside lights, it’s especially dark and you’re able to see every single star in the sky. If you could see them in Columbia, you had never taken the time to really look. Being here, aching feet being rubbed by Javi’s strong hands, was the best you had felt in a while. Even the smell of the air was different. “I love it here,” you hum with a dazed smile. Javi lets out a little laugh through his nose, looking at you before looking straight ahead at the property. “Yeah, it’s alright.” There is silence between you as you watch his extremely handsome side profile. His brows furrowing and his lips slightly parted like usual. “And your dad,” you start. Javier’s expression hardening at your words. “He seems nice.” You stare at your fingers as you pick at your thumbnail, nervously. “At least he handled the pregnancy better than my mom probably will.” You sigh, your words drifting off.  Javi looks over at you, lifting your legs to move closer. Your knees pulled up into his chest, as you lay against the arm of the slightly rocking swing. A cozy blanket draped over you both. It was the first time you noticed that about Javier. He knew you so well already. The minute you were anxious; he would subconsciously move closer or touch you in some way to reassure. Instantly making you feel less alone and providing an unprecedented amount of support. It was something you had never experienced with any men that came before him. He made you feel…

Secure

No wonder why this time was so different already. 

“My father is alright.” he looks down at where he rubs your legs in his lap. “He likes to do this thing called,” he looks over at you, raising an eyebrow. “Hold my past against me.” 

You can’t help but let out a chuckle. “All parents are like that,” you sigh. Your fingers play with the blanket as you look up at the sky. “He probably just has regrets from what happened to your mother,” you start, hesitating. “And he’s projecting them onto you.” You both sit in silence for a couple minutes, Javi is back to zoning out at the land in front of him. “He probably doesn’t want you to have any regrets or mistakes or what ever the fuck he has,” you laugh at your inability to give any mind blowing advice. Javier looks over at you as you look back down at your hands. Your face radiates from the soft glow of the lights inside, your hair slightly blowing in the breeze created by the swing, wearing an agency zip up of his over your cute little baby bump. He’s never seen anything more naturally beautiful than you in this moment. And he realizes, he doesn’t have any regrets. He has lived in regret his whole life and look where it got him. Sick to death of his job, lonely, and unable to form deep connections. Then he met you. Where just sex became more than that. All because he had let you in a little bit more than all the others. This was the best he had felt since leaving Lorraine at that alter, over 10 years ago. All because he met you. Now you were giving him the best gift anyone could ever give him and he would spend his whole life thanking you for that. His full time job after Mexico would be creating the best life for his new little family and part of him couldn’t wait.

His hand reaches out to grab yours, intertwining your fingers with his. Your eyes meet.  “I don’t think I have any regrets, anymore,” he coos softly, a small smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. You both stare, both awaiting your response. “Me either,” you reply bashfully. ___ Dinner had been so satiating, creating a tiredness in you like no other. You both said goodnight to Chucho after he had taken the liberty to plan an entire excursion for you and Javier, starting early tomorrow morning. He had mentioned a stream farther down the property that Javier used to hangout at when he was a little boy. You expressed interest in checking it out as Javi stayed unimpressed by his fathers antics.  Chucho had then discussed the horses with you. If you knew how to ride them, if you felt comfortable on horse back at 6 months pregnant. “I used to ride all the time. My mom would take me back in Miami.” You would tell the old man. He turned to Javier, giving him an approving grin. “And as long as it’s a slow walk, my bladder should be okay with it.” So it was settled. Chucho would ready the horses in the morning and give you and Javier some food to take with. Spending the day on a soft blanket near the rushing stream, with nothing to do. No deadlines, no cartels, and no gunshots, and no mexico pulling him away from you. The thought alone, was enough to spark desire you never knew existed. You both needed that. Javier had actually agreed. He too, wanted to be close to you with zero interruptions. You both lay in bed in your usual position. His body pressed up against your back. No clothing on either of you, since the house was 100 degrees all year round, and you both ran hot in your sleep. As the back of your body molded into Javier, he kissed your bare shoulder in front of him. Goosebumps rose onto your skin, making him do it again. This time nibbling up to your neck. You don’t oblige, practically still wet from that kiss earlier. Javier’s warm hands wrap around to your stomach, and you lay yours on top of his. His hips rocking into your back side, his soft cock growing hard at the need to have you covering him. His hands leave your stomach and reach up to your breast, twisting and pinching softly at your nipple. Arousal leaks out of you at only the sensation his soft hands create.

He loves that he doesn’t have to do much, for you to turn into a puddle for him lately. His hand leaves your chest for a minute and you can feel his cock slipping through your legs and between your folds. Continuing to rock himself against you. The bed slightly squeaks, making him stop his movements in paranoia before continuing slowly. He teases you, his cock dragging up and down against your dripping heat, wetting him.  You turn your head back as far as it will go and he meets you half way. Giving you an extremely slow kiss. Your lips on each other is the only sound filling the room. The intimacy of the darkness and the silence, is something you hadn’t yet experienced with Javier. You had always been able to see each other. This time the room was pitch black and neither of you were saying anything.  “You have to stay quiet, querida.” His breath so hot in your ear, making your hips rock back again, gliding the tip of his cock to tickle your sensitive bundle of nerves. “Can you do that?” He asks, before kissing that spot below your ear. “Mhmm,” you breath out while nodding, impatient. You try to stop your hips from rocking faster into him. As they come back to meet his again, his cock slides into you with no contest. As you absorb his full length, you can’t help almost moaning. The way he’s hitting your g-spot in this position has your clit throbbing to be stimulated. You should’ve known by now with Javier, you don’t have to utter the words. His hand comes around to your front and snakes under your belly. His big hand spreading you open, as he rubs circles just where you need with his two fingers. You both had always been so good at reading each others minds, especially when it came to sex. 

You really were two puzzle pieces. The thought of sex like this for potentially the rest of your life, had you whine out in pleasure. Javier lets out a satisfied whisper. “That’s it,” he coos. “Just like that.” His lips parting more. He practically whimpers against your back as your hips rock into his, pulling his member in and out of you so easily. He slows his pace as his lips graze against your shoulder, his hand leaving your clit to interlace his fingers with yours. “huh- oh my-god,” he pants quietly into the back of your neck, his hips rocking to meet yours over and over.  You both elicit barely any sounds. Only the faint wetness of you dripping all over him, both chasing your finish. Javiers hand comes to your face, bending it back to him. He kisses you again, slow and sloppy. Moaning into each other’s mouthes. He doesn’t speed up but his hips snap harder into you. The tip of his cock molding that soft spot inside you, just for him. “Look at you,” he breaths against your mouth. “Doing such a good job for me,” he grumbles out, his voice quiet enough not to form any suspicion. The praise is enough to send you into your impending orgasm. His looming shortly behind yours. “Anything for you, Javi” you breath before squeezing your eyes shut and your mouth falling open. Javier’s hand instinctively comes up to your mouth, covering it with his fingers. He’s unsure if you’re able to keep your pleasure inaudible and he wants to be extra careful. You obey his ask though. No sounds leaving your lips, as your teeth lightly graze his fingers. This alone set’s him off, his hips digging deeper into you on each thrust, becoming messy. Javi’s hand falls from your mouth to your chest, squeezing your breast hard. The sound of his soft and needy whimpers fill the room. You try to steady your breathing without loud pants and your hand comes up to reach the back of his head. Your fingers grip into his messy brown bedhead, pulling him closer into the side of your face. His awaiting release finally erupts inside you. The familiar warmth of his come filling you up, his length twitching as you grip it hard.  You both stay in this position, trying to quietly catch your breath. His lips kiss your cheek softly, before nestling into your ear. “If you weren’t already pregnant,” he pants. “that would have definitely put a baby in you.” His words give you chills, everywhere. You had never expected Javi to be so turned on by the idea of breeding you. You couldn’t begin to imagine what your future held after this first pregnancy would be over. 

If this relationship didn’t change in any way, and you both kept up like this; having more kids with Javier didn’t totally freak you out. What did, was thinking about the way you saw commitment 12 months ago, compared to now. This was another thought simply provoked by this moment. How could you be so afraid but so ready and willing when it came to a life with Javier. I guess your mother was right when she told you ‘it just takes the right person.’ 

_______

Your eyes flutter open to bright sunlight casting through the sheer curtains of the guest room. You lay on your side, blinking the sleep from your eyes and slowly sitting up. Aside from you, the big bed is empty and silence fills your ears. You smile at the peacefulness. It’s nothing compared to the odd sounds of gunshots and busy traffic in Columbia. It was also the first time that you had awoken by yourself since Javi had been sleeping with you. It seemed he felt safe enough here on the ranch, to leave you sleeping alone. You get up and shakily slide on a pair of shorts and baggy t-shirt. Throwing your messy bed head in a scrunchie on top of your head. After brushing your teeth and performing the rest of your morning routine, you climb down the stairs to an empty living space. You walk to the kitchen where there is a bowl of fresh fruit on the counter. You pick at it when your attention is grasped by the sounds of horses in the distance. Peering out the open kitchen window you can see movement near the barn. Without putting on shoes, you leave through the back door and down the stairs of the porch. Your feet hit the thick soft grass and you smile to yourself. The sensation below your toes making you sigh in inexplainable comfort.

You walk carefully to the side of the barn where you can hear Javi and his father through the crack in the door. You’re about to open it, but their conversation makes you stop and listen. 

“You can’t run from this one, son” Chucho tells Javier as he digs into a feed pale. “I’m not running.” Javi cuts him off bluntly. Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, heart beating loud in your ears. Chucho turns to Javier, staring at him for a few seconds. “What?” Javi asks, frustrated already. “That’s what you said last time.” ‘last time’? Your chest tightens. “Yeah, well last time was different,” Javier groans. “Lorraine wasn’t much different,” Chucho huffs as he wanders the barn. “She wasn’t pregnant, but she was still a good person and you ran.” “I ran because it wasn’t right!” Javi snaps at him, cutting his father off. There is a heavy silence and your eyes dart back and forth between them. They both still haven’t realized that you’re standing behind the crack of the door. “You hold these things against me Pap,” Javi’s voice softens. “Like I can’t make mistakes.” He huffs in defeat. “That was over ten years ago.” 

Chucho’s mouth twitches as his stern eyes don’t leave his sons. He walks over to Javier slowly, dropping his hand to Javi’s shoulder. “All I’m tryna’ say is that,” he licks his lips. “I know you son, you’ll get lost chasing murderers in Mexico. You’ll get your priorities messed up again and,” Your heart beat in your ears has become so deafening that you have to take deep breaths to continue listening. “And what, hmm?” Javi taunts him. “You think I’ll walk away from my family?” family? 

Chucho’s hand slowly falls from his shoulder. “I just don’t want you to have any regrets,” he sighs. “Like you have regrets about Ma?” Javi deflects. Chucho’s nostrils flare. “I did all that I could for your mother.” He growls at Javier. “Just like I’m going to do whatever I can for her.” Javi barks back at him. Don Chucho doesn’t reply. His hand reaches up to Javier’s face and pats him gently. “Okay.” He forfeits. Chucho exits the barn out the other door and you watch Javier stand at the stall of a dark brown horse. He grumbles under his breath, something in Spanish. His arms stretch against the stall in front of the horse and it rubs its nose against his shoulder. He pats its face. “I know, I know.” he murmurs to him. The sliding of the door where you’re standing, takes him off guard. He turns to look at you, face flushing a deep red. “Hey, I didn’t know you were standing there.” He tries to smile off the awkwardness of you possibly overhearing everything. “Who’s Lorraine?” you ask, flatly. Your heart still beating. Javi pauses, looks around the barn before walking over to you. “She’s a,” he hesitates again, clearing his throat. “A friend of mine I was supposed to marry over ten years ago.” Your breath hitches. Not in jealously, but rather in sadness for them both. “And what happened?” you ask him, eyes wide in curiosity. “I left to join the Columbian DEA, but I,” he hesitates again, unable to look at you. “I left her at the alter.” 

His words burn in the back of your throat. 

“And my father, well,” his dark brown eyes look up at you through his brows. “He thinks when I leave to Mexico, I will be making the same mistake.” “And will you?” You cut him off, tears welling into your eyes. Not for the purpose that you believe he will but for the purpose that he’s done it before, and the idea of him doing it to you coils your stomach in anger. “Are you kidding me?” he pleads, walking over to you. He stands directly in front of you, taking your hands in his. “Everything I’ve decided has been with you in mind. Everything I’m doing is for you, for us.” Your eyes squint shut in pain and you pull your hands from his to wipe your eyes before the tears roll. “Javi, I don’t.” you start, sucking in a shaky breath. “I want you to want this.” 

“And who said I don’t?” he looks at you confused. “I know but,” you whine, looking around the barn before back at him. “I don’t want you to make all these decisions for me, for us, because you feel obligated.” Your hand falls to the top of your belly. Here it comes. The ‘doubt’ word vomit.

“I don’t want you to forfeit any part of your life for this.” His hands come to your arms, trying to cut you off without words. “I just don’t want you to regret choosing-,” “Stop,” he cuts you off. You look at him with desperate eyes. Hoping he can see the sincerity behind all your guilt. That you didn’t want him to regret choosing this life with you. “I told you,” he starts, softly. “I don’t have any regrets.” You both huff out a smile and there is another wave of silence as he strokes your arms. 

“You have to stop that, ya’know.” His thumb coming to your cheek to wipe a tear that managed to escape. “Stop what?” you laugh pathetically as you look down at where he’s now holding your hands. 

There is a quick pause before he continues. “Stop thinking you’re not worthy of this kind of love.” 

love?

Your heart beat begins to quicken again and your exhales become so deep it feels like a punch in the chest. You both don’t know what to say next, as you search his expression for an ounce of denial. But there is nothing. No retraction or reversal visible on his face. He really meant it. “So this is,” you start. “We don’t have to say it yet,” he cuts you off. Not for the reason he doesn’t believe it, but for the reason that he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. He knows you’re not there yet. 

A grin tugs at your cheeks and you nod in agreement. “Now, I think we should get to our picnic date, huh?” he smiles, taking your hand and leading you through the barn. 

____________________

The two weeks at the ranch flew by effortlessly and before you know it, you’re getting on another flight. This time to Miami. Your anxiety rising in your gut like a cauldron boiling over. Eyes darting all over the busy airport. Javi stands with you in the boarding line for the plane, as you chew your lip and twiddle your thumbs. He looks down at you, grabbing your hand to make you stop. “It’s going to be okay,” he mumbles to you, giving you a reassuring wink. You look at him before looking around again. “You don’t know my mother.”

The rental car pulls up a rocky driveway surrounded by sand and thick green hedge. Two big stone pillars highlighting the entrance to the large, modern, stone home. You both exit the vehicle and your eyes close in bliss at the salty smell of the air. The sounds of the roaring waves behind the house bring you comfort amongst all the distress you’ve been feeling, your entire drive here. “Wow,” Javier’s words cut off your daydream. “This is,” You look over at him, as he eyes the big house. Smiling and lifting an eyebrow, you respond. “Isn’t it?” 

You get the urge to skip into the home that you grew up in. You haven’t been back in a while and you forgot how much you missed it’s nostalgia.

Just then, you remember the biggest thing stopping you from running in to greet your over bearing mother. The visible baby bump. Your eyes glaze over in immediate regret, regarding being back home. “Javi, I don’t think I can.” Your voice shakes as he rounds the car to come in front of you. His eyes widen with concern. “Listen,” he licks his lips as his hands hold yours. “If it gets bad, we can leave. I can book us a hotel,” he rambles. “We don’t have to stay here if you’re uncomfortable.” There is it again, the never ending, unprecedented amount of support. 

It instantly calms you, giving you the courage to get the initial reaction over with. Somehow, you end up at the front door, knocking lightly to hear a response in return. “It’s open!” 

You take a deep breath before twisting the handle open. Seeing your mother with her back turned to the modern beige coloured kitchen, cutting a fresh pineapple on the large island in front of her.

Immediately you think how you should have called. You should have told her when you found out. You should have told her when you phoned her to tell her you would be bringing your handsome, Spanish, DEA agent, boyfriend of 10 months to see her. She’s going to be pissed.

Javi can sense your tension and he steps in front of you, a large smile plastered across his face, putting on a show for her. “Hola, Preciosa!” he beams at her. A large smile spreads across her face as she rinses her hands and heads straight for him. “You must be Javier Peña!” she gloats. Her arms draw out into a hug gesture and Javi doesn’t waste any time. He throws his arms around her and rocks her side to side. He’s doing a good job taking the attention off you. Bless his fucking soul.

“What did you call me?” she smiles at him. The energy between them surprises you. So natural and like they’ve known each other for years.

“Hello gorgeous.” he translates for her. Her cheeks heat as she steps away from him. “Well if you’re trying to make a great first impression, it’s working.” She playfully smacks his shoulder before her expression becomes more serious. “It’s very nice to meet you, Javier.” “Same to you,” he cups her hand in his. Similar to how his father did yours. 

Javi gently steps back to stand beside you instead of in front of you. His arm wrapping around your shoulder as your mother takes a moment to look at you, finally realizing. Her face falls from ecstatic to unimpressed. Her nostrils flare as her eyes quickly shift from your stomach back to your face.

“I see you’ve been busy.” Her attitude harsh and her arms cross over her chest.

There it is. Turning from soft and kind to cold, dissociative, and manic. 

“It’s nice to see you too, mom.” you mumble out, embarrassed. She’s always looked at you like you’re on display. Making you extremely uncomfortable. Her eyes slightly roll as she turns her back to you both and walks back to the kitchen.

Without so much as a hug. 

Javi awkwardly stands beside you, his smile fading when he realizes that you were right about your mother all along.

He clears his throat with a cough before he goes to speak. You grab his arm before he can say anything. Your mothers eyes look at you both through furrowed brows, as she continues to cut the pineapple. “You know where the guest room is.” she snaps, the knife ending the interaction with a hard slam to the cutting board. You scoff and grab your luggage, dragging Javi by the arm down the hall. As soon as the door closes your eyes well up into tears. “See,” you sob. “I told you,” you frantically pace as Javi sits on the edge of the bed. As always he’s trying to figure out a way to make it all better. “We shouldn’t have come.” You sniff, trying to pocket the tears. He stands to his feet, walking over to you slowly. His hand on your shoulder makes you grasp at him in a tight hug as you let a few cries out. “How am I going to do this Javi?” you ask, looking up at him with pain in those big, beautiful eyes. It makes his heart ache. “How am I going to do these next two months if my mother won’t support me. I will be all,” you words drift as your eyes fall shut. “Alone.” He doesn’t say anything. Only brings you to the bed and holds you while you cry.

Before you know it, he’s lulled you to sleep. ____ Javier opens the door slowly, careful not to disturb you as you snore peacefully.

Hours have passed and the sun was now setting against the ocean. The deep orange colour lights up the entire home as all the windows hang open. The sound of seagulls and waves are all he can hear, as he searches for your mother. He reaches the kitchen where the open sliding door reveals her on the deck, hunched over as she holds a cup of hot tea and a cigarette.

He swipes a nervous hand through his hair as he slides the screen door open, getting her full attention. She looks over at him blankly, before turning back to the view of the wide spread ocean in front of her. Javi walks over slowly, taking a seat in the padded outdoor chair beside the small couch she is seated on. They sit in silence for a short time before your mother places the mug down on the coffee table. They both stare off in different directions. “Do you mind?” Javi asks, pointing to the pack of cigarettes on the table. Your mother pushes them towards him with the lighter. Javi lights a drag and inhales the smoke like he’s been deprived his whole life.  “She’s not going to be able to do this,” you mother cuts him off. Her eyes drift over to Javi’s as she squints at him. They sit making eye contact for a while before he clears his throat and leans forward, looking away for a moment. “What makes you think that?” he asks her, his tone gruff. 

She huffs out a sarcastic laugh and takes a puff of the cigarette laying limp between her fingers. “Because she likes to run from everything.” her voice is dry, emotionless, and it makes Javier’s blood boil. His nostrils flare as he takes a deep inhale. His body slumps back into the chair and his arms cross over his chest. Your mother watches his body stiffen as she positions herself sideways to face him. “You don’t know her like I do,” she tells him. Smirking as her lips meet her mug. “And what is it that you know?” he asks again, in a tone similar to an interrogation. “She was with her ex for four years, it was a good relationship and she.” “Was it good though?” he cuts her off, almost snapping. She stops and her head tilts to glare at him in disbelief, as he shifts in his seat again. “With all due respect, ma’am.” He starts, changing to a softer tone. “Your daughter is the most calculated, thoughtful, compassionate, and selfless woman I have ever had the honour of getting to know.” Your mother’s face falls soft. “And as far as Ive gathered, there was a lot that was wrong in her last relationship. From what I know,” his eyes burn into hers. “She was expected to fill some pretty big shoes.” He leaves room for your mother to interject, but she doesn’t. “She considered everyone’s feelings, except her own and that’s why she ran.”

He takes another puff of his cigarette, blowing the smoke as he continues. His hand reaches out to her leg, her eyes watching carefully. “Excuse me for seeming out of line but, I think it’s time that we consider her feelings,” he treads carefully. “That means believing in her, and supporting her. Even if you think it’s not right.” “And do you think it’s not right?” She asks him, her eyes narrowing into his. He watches her expression and his hand comes back into his own lap. His tongue sweeps across his top lip and his fingers run quickly across his moustache. He looks around as though to check if anyone is around to hear his response. “I think she’s old enough to make her own decisions and it would help to have support from those that are supposed to love her.” His response is cold towards her. He’s trying to draw her attention to acknowledging his words, rather than looking for validity in her skepticism. She sits in silence, her eyes adverting back to the ocean, shifting in her seat. He watches her through furrowed brows as her expression softens. His eyes fall to his lap in front of him. “And to answer your question, I will always think she’s doing the right thing.” He taps his cigarette before placing it back to his lips. “I have never tried to change her. I want her for exactly who she is.” He stands to his feet and removes his socks. Throwing them onto the deck before climbing down the stairs and onto the sand, ending the conversation. Your mother watches him as he wanders out to where the waves crash against the sand. His arms fold against his chest, as he walks the shore line. “Mom?” you mumble shortly after, rubbing your swollen eyes as you stand in the back door way. Your mothers hard expression dissolves, as though everything Javi had just said to her, finally sinks in when she sees you standing there. Her baby girl, pregnant and all. “What’s up my darling?” She coos. You step out onto the cold wood of the deck and look around. “Where’s Javi?” you ask her. Sleep still lingering in your voice. You watch as she points straight ahead to a figure in the distance, he’s pacing against the shore, his pants rolled up and feet submerged in the wet mixture of sand and ocean. She looks back at you as she watches you stare at him. A smile curving onto your lips and a sparkle in your eyes that she hasn’t seen before. It creates a small smile from her as she waits for you to break the silence. Instead you pull off your socks and almost run to meet him. Your mother watches as you reach out to touch Javier’s arm and he turns to look at you, his expression melting into a consoling grin when he realizes it’s you. His arm immediately pulls you into him and he places kisses to your face. Drowning you in little pecks as you try to pull away, giggling. Your mothers smile spreads larger as she watches you both, now running around on the beach. Javi sticks out his arms and stands as though he’s going to race towards you. You laugh, standing feet away from him with your hands out in front of you. Through the wind she hears you whine out “Javi, Don’t!”

Your mother stands, moving to lean against the railing of the deck as she watches.

Javi darts towards you and you let out a playful shriek. His arms encompass you in a big hug from behind and he squeezes you tight. His head turning to kiss your cheeks some more. You smile with all your teeth and your mother watches you intently, almost laughing with you. Maybe Javier had a point. Maybe this was the right thing. ____________ Days go by with your mother and Javi. There was a shift in her energy since the initial introduction. You didn’t know what brought it on but you were happy to no longer be the centre of all her malice.

Her and Javi had created a bond as well. Spending time in the kitchen as she showed him how to make 'signature dishes’ that she claimed were your favourite. You all spent late nights in the living room, combing through boxes of your baby stuff. Your mother watching as you and Javier lit up, finding little baby shoes and overalls. “Those your father got for you,” she would say, pointing to a small pair of grey New Balance sneakers, so small that they fit in Javier’s palm. 

Hearing her talk about your father was like a stab in the stomach. Despite all the bad things, you still thought about him almost every day. He would have made a great grandpa.  “He had good taste,” Javi pulls you from your thoughts. You sit between Javi’s legs on the floor, as he sits on the couch. He leans, hunched over your shoulder as you go through the big brown box in your lap. Your hands gently pull out a photo album and your breath hitches. Your fingers shake as you open the cover to reveal a photo of you as a newborn. Your mother now in the kitchen, pouring herself and Javi a drink. She wanders back into the living room and sits on the chair across from you both, another box in front of her. “Your baby book,” she tips her glass to point at the album you’re flipping though. You scan the pages to reveal a lock of hair in a plastic bag, a tiny hospital bracelet with the words almost smudged off from being so old, and an array of photographs. The next page you turn to makes you hold in your breath. It was a photo of your dad. Your tiny baby body laying stomach down along his forearm, as he held your tiny face in his large hand. Your eyes fill with tears as you stare at his smiling face. 

The silence is thick and Javi places his warm hand on your shoulder. “That was his favourite thing to do with you,” your mother’s voice softly breaks the silence. “You would be crying and he would flip you to lay on him like that, and boom,” she huffed out a laugh. “Silence.” 

You sniff out a giggle, wiping the tears from the side of your face. 

“Meanwhile,” she starts again, sipping from her drink and placing it on the table beside her chair. “I had to damn near shake you.” Both you and Javi let out a breathy laugh. You hand the open book to Javi, as you continue to explore the box below you. He takes the book gently, placing the open page in his lap. His eyes look at your father, down to little you, then down to you between his legs. A grin pulls at his lips as he imagines what fatherhood will be like for him. Thinking about recreating this picture with your baby.

later the next day, you wake up late, to the sound of a cordless drill. As you stumble out of the bedroom and down the hall, you see Javier drilling a white shelf to the wall in the dining room. “Good Morning, sleepy head.” He grins. You cover your face with your hands, opening your fingers to peak an eye at him. “What the fuck are you doing?” you grumble. “Language young lady,” your mom jokes, rounding the corner with two glasses of lemonade. “You don’t want your baby adopting that potty mouth,” she places the drinks on the table and Javi puts the drill down to take a long chug of the fresh liquid. “Javier here, has volunteered to hang these shelves I’ve had for years and never hung.” She sings, pulling out a dining chair to sit down. Her legs overlapping on another, as she watches him. You look between them, eyebrows furrowing. “Get dressed,” she orders you. You stay still, staring at her blankly. “Go on! I have a list of things I need you to pick up from the market,” she shoos you back to the bedroom. Your hands stroke over your six months pregnant stomach dramatically as Javi stands with his hands on his hips, chuckling as he watches you. “Oh, Im so sorry,” you tease. “Im so pregnant, I think I might burst, I don’t think I can go to the market today.” You whine out, trying not to laugh at yourself. Your mother rolls her eyes at your obvious jokes and shoos you away with one last gesture of her hand. _____ ‘Tomatoes - check Lettuce - check Cucumber - check

Lemons - check Olive Oil’ She’s making a salad with vinaigrette dressing, you think to yourself as you search the shelves. Your stomach churns in hunger at the idea of a fresh salad. ‘Settle down, just gotta find the oil and we’ll be eating soon.’

Your hand caresses your growing bump. You push the cart as your body is turned to face the isle. So many fucking oils to chose from.

Just as you spot the olive oil you’ve seen in your mother cupboard before, a familiar face passes you. Your eyes meet his and you smile when you realize.

Martinez

He smiles and says ‘hey’ followed by your name. The woman with him stops as he does and her expression is confused. You step away from your cart to go give him a friendly hug when his eyes fall to your stomach. Despite being shocked, he returns the small hug and introduces you to his ‘girlfriend’ Emily. “Nice to meet you,” you return to her with a kind smile. Immediately he stares back your stomach and you both speak simultaneously. “Peña’s.” His coming out more as a question, while yours is a statement. You both awkwardly smile and nod before you speak again. “So what are you doing in Miami?” you ask him, placing your hands on your hips. His eyes widen and he bashfully smiles. “After that last incident I uh,” he hesitates, licking his lips. Emily grabs onto his bicep, urging him to continue. “I got a promotion to be the lead Admin for Miami’s recruitment agency.” Your stomach burns with acid as you remember the last time you spoke to Martinez. He had outed your relationship with Javi to the Columbian Admin. He almost had you sent home. He’s partially to blame for Javiers suspension. Now, he was running Miami’s recruitment agency for DEA agents, while Javi - who had done the most work to catch Escobar - was stuck with an assignment to Mexico?

  Your face heats up as your expression falls. You want to punch Martinez in the fucking face, but you bite your tongue. There is weighted silence before he quickly changes the subject, sensing your anger. “What about you?” He asks. Your teeth run rapidly against your tongue before you sprout a fake smile. “Yeah, uh,” your head is spinning. Making it hard for you to even concentrate on his question. “I’m transferring to the Miami agency as an assistant.” He looks down at your stomach again, almost demanding an explanation. “Javier is uh, heading to Mexico on an assignment.” “While you’re pregnant?” He cuts you off, brows furrowing together in confusion. 

“Yep,” you try to grin but he can see the pain in your expression. “He asked for a transfer to Miami and the Admin had agreed to Mexico, Columbia, or retirement.” You finish. Your eyes don’t move from his as he searches your face and down to your frame. “That’s - ridiculous.”  He almost whispers. His eyes look back to yours with genuine hurt. It’s the first time you’ve ever seen this side of Martinez. “She’s going to force him into retirement because he’s having a baby?” He re-confirms. The reminder sends painful zaps of electricity through your body. It’s something you’ve been putting off for the last four weeks, and talking to Martinez served as nothing but a wake up call to your harsh, impending reality. “That’s basically it, yeah.” you sigh. “I should, probably head back though,” You smile, grabbing the last item on your list and placing it in the cart. “Of course,” he half smiles, pain still in his expression. As nice as it was to see him being genuine to you, you still couldn’t stand the pity. When you get back, seeing Javi smiling and laughing with your mother makes you keep your mouth shut. You can’t bring yourself to tell him how great everything was working out for fucking Martinez. You just wanted to forget even running into him in the first place. ________ And just like that, the two weeks with your mother come to an end. Your boxes that Steve shipped from Columbia arrived within your last week and you watch as Javi packs them into your rental car.

Your mother stands at the front steps facing you. Her hands cup the sides of your cheeks as she stares at your face. For some reason, you feel awkward. She has hardly ever been this way with you. Not since you were a little girl. “Thank you for having us,” you grin.

She pushes a loose strand of hair behind your ear as Javi makes his way to the front steps. Your eyes narrow into your mothers as her face molds into a delicate smile. “You’re going to be a great mom,” she almost whispers. Tears welling into her waterline. You haven’t seen her cry since she found out about your dad’s affair. Seeing her like that immediately heats your cheeks and creates your own tears - for the millionth time this month. “Mom, I.” You can’t even finish your sentence before she pulls you into her. Embracing you so tight. This was the first time in years since she had given you a sincere compliment. Her lips kiss your cheek fast and hard and she whispers in your ear. “You call me if you need anything, okay?” You finally pull away and your fingers push the tears away before they fall. You nod to her and turn your attention to Javi who stands below you, watching with a smile on his face. You had no idea that this interaction with your mother had been because of him and he went on never disclosing that to you. Your mother sniffs away her tears and sticks her arms out to him. 

“Javier,” she mumbles, overly emotional. They share a tight hug before he pulls back and kisses her hand in his. “We’ll see you soon, huh?” he asks, giving her a quick wink. She nods as she watches you both drive off the property and towards the city. _________________

Things around the rental grow tense as you’re two days away from Javier’s departure to Mexico. You both tread carefully around one another. Almost unnatural. 

And you hate it. That night you rub lotion on your belly, sitting up in bed as Javier exits the bathroom, shirtless after brushing his teeth. You watch his golden skin in the dim light of your bedside lamp, as he sits along the edge of the bed. Your eyes trace into the curves of his back as he stares at the pack of cigarettes on his side table. He hasn’t been smoking inside or around you, always sneaking outside to do it. Too concerned for how the inhalation could affect you or his baby.  You shift as you watch his fingers tap the surface of the sheets, fantasizing about those hands. It’s been since the ranch. Too long. You set aside the bottle of lotion and crawl over to him, placing little soft kisses along his shoulder to the back of his neck.

fuck, he smells so good. 

“What’s up, cariño?” he asks, his head twisted to look at you, his eyebrow raising. “What do you mean ‘what’s up?’ can’t I just kiss my boyfriend?” you tease him. His eyes close and he huffs out a laugh. You grab his hand and he shifts to sit facing you. You place his hand to your chest where your heart beats softly. Javi looks at you with hooded eyes, before looking down at where you’ve placed his palm. You both sit in silence before he croaks out. “I don’t want to go.” The words are so simple, yet so desperate. It was like this whole time, he thought he could be strong. 

“I know,” you mumble softly. “I don’t want you to go either.” 

His hand moves from your chest to your cheek. His thumb caressing your warm skin before he leans in. He plants a soft and slow kiss to your lips. His eyes opening to look at you. The difference between his suspension leave and these two months in Mexico was the elephant in the room; the fact that he could die out there. Both of you too nervous to even speak about that. “I know that we haven’t known each other that long,” he starts. By the direction he’s going, you know what he’s leaning towards. “But I don’t want to leave without telling you that I,” Your heart starts to pick up it’s pace and your mouth parts. “Javi, don’t.” You cut him off. His face falls before you have a chance to continue. “No, I just mean,” you giggle to yourself. Your hand reaching up to grab his from your cheek. “I don’t want you to say it because you’re leaving.” Your big doe eyes look into his and a montage plays out in his head. Back to the first time he saw you. How you got that pebble stuck in those heels you always wore. How excited you were about that jacuzzi bathtub in your apartment, the first time he fell asleep next to you and how that’s all he ever thought about. If he only knew then, how hard he would have fallen for you in such a short time. “I don’t want you to say it like this.” You repeat.

He nods and you both crawl into the same position you’ve always slept in. But Javi doesn’t sleep. He stays awake, propped up on his elbow and watching you. The way your eyes flutter and your mouth parts slightly, letting out the cutest little noises. ______

Before you know it, the sun is rising through the large window of your small rental property. You groan as you roll over to face Javi’s bare back next to you in bed. Your fingers come up to delicately rub circles into his back, smiling at how goosebumps raise along his smooth, tanned skin. He groans as he rolls over to face you, burrowing his head in your neck. “Just a few more hours,” he huffs. His warm breath making your body tingle. You giggle in response. “It’s already 10AM, we don’t want to waste your second last day in bed, do we?” You hum, your fingers massaging his scalp through his messy hair. He groans again. “Don’t remind me.”

You lay there propped on your elbow as Javi almost falls back asleep. Your hands move from his scalp to his ear, pinching his lobe to wake him.

“I’m up.” He argues, head still burrowed between your neck and the pillow. The satellite phone laying on Javi’s bedside table beeps multiple times. Taking his attention away from you. He turns over annoyed and looks at the small screen, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion and concern. He sits up fast and you sit beside him, nervous. You’re unable to hear the other person on the line as you grip the blankets. Your eyes dart around his face, listening to him speak. “Good Morning Ma’am,” Javi’s tone immediately taking on more professionalism. The Admin

He waits for her to speak more, his expression hesitant as his fingers fidget with the blankets too. “He what?” He says, his breaths becoming short and his eyes widening. You shift to sit in front of him, your stomach roars with anxiety that could have you in the bathroom for hours. “I don’t understand, why would he want me?” He replies to whatever she has said.

His other hand comes up to run his fingers through his messy hair. His eyes finally landing on yours. “I see,” he mumbles. “How soon do I start?” he asks, a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth as he stares at you. Your face changes, emitting waves of relief.

“That sounds good. Thank you ma’am.” He hangs up fast and slowly places the phone back down. His actions take forever, as he’s still too stunned at whatever it was that was being discussed. “What is it?” you ask, your wide eyes searching for some hint of context to the conversation. “That was the Admin. I,” He licks his lips. “I got offered a position in Miami.” his words catch in the back of his throat. Your breath hitches and you don’t say anything, your whole body lighting on fire. Your hands sweating.  “For when?” you manage, through the heartbeat in your ears.

“Starting tomorrow,” he mumbles. You both sit in silence before smiles come across your faces. You expected to both be jumping for joy, but instead there is a stillness hanging heavy in the air. It feels as though the world around you has slowed to a stop as you both sit here in bed, in your own little bubble. 

“So you’re staying?” you ask, your voice shaking. He doesn’t answer your question. Instead he explains the call. “She told me to report for my new position as Senior Recruitment Officer for the Miami division.” Your eyes widen and your mouth parts when it clicks. 

“Says I have to report to my supervisor on Monday,” he looks at you and you both speak in unison. “Martinez.” 

As soon as his name leaves you mouthes, you’re standing on the bed and jumping up and down, releasing all kinds of noises in pure happiness. 

Javi’s laughing as he watches you. Finally getting winded you fall to your knees, heavy breathing.

He came through, fucking Martinez came through. “He apparently told her that he owes me one.” He laughs in disbelief.

You smile wide at Javi, tears welling up in both of you. His hands cup your face and he brings you in for an aggressive, celebratory kiss. As soon as he pulls away, you both rest forehead to forehead, out of breath. “I love you,” he murmurs, so softly that it almost doesn’t register. You watch as a single tear falls from his eye and he laughs pathetically. “I fucking love you.”  ____________3 MONTHS LATER_______________

“One more big push for us, come on,” you hear the doctor tell you amongst the pain ripping through your body. Your death grip on Javi’s hand has his eyes widening in concern. “You can do it baby, come on,” he mumbles as his other hand moves the sweat covered hairs from your forehead. “Ugh, I fucking HATE YOU!” You scream, staring him in the eye as you give one more big push. Then you hear it. The cries of your baby taking their first breath outside of you. 

Javiers face softens as he watches the doctor hold up the baby before handing it to the nurse. “A baby girl!” the doctor exclaims. You’re both sure he’s happy to be done with the 16 hours of labour. “Does daddy want to cut the cord?” the nurse asks, a smile evident through her mask. Javi just laughs through his flowing tears. Without saying anything he nods and clips the umbilical cord.

You pant in a daze, your head falling back against the pillow. He watches for a moment as they clean the baby off, before leaning down next to your face. You connect your hands and you turn your head face him, breathless. 

“You fuckin’ did it, baby.” He chuckles, tears staining both your faces. You give an exhausted smile and he kisses your forehead, then the top of your hand he’s been holding. Soon they place the little girl in your arms, wrapped in a hospital blanket. Her little body wiggling as she makes a bunch of unimpressed faces. The minute you see her you start to sob. This made everything worth it. She made everything worth it.

Javi’s eyes well up some more as his strong hand comes to gently touch her small little body. “You were a girl this whole time,” you giggle out through your tears. Her small body shifts some more, her face calming at the sound of your voice. Javi leans over you still, placing a soft kiss to your forehead. “I knew it,” he whispers, his eyes unable to leave his daughters.

You sniffle as your finger caresses the side of her small little cheek. “What should we call her?” you ask, turning to look at Javi. His eyes don’t leave his baby. “Eva,” he mumbles. “It means ‘life.’” His voice so steady and sure. “Because she gave mine purpose." You turn back to the baby and your hand lays on top of his, along her small, warm body. “How about, Eva Maria.” you say, your eyes moving to his face again, for approval. His brows pull together in slight anguish. He looks intently at you, almost as a thank you, before you both turn back to your baby. Once you’re settled in your hospital room and through with all the checks and guidance given by the nurses, you and Javi lay cuddled up together as Eva sleeps soundly on your chest. “Should we count all her toes again?” he asks, quietly. You giggle as you look up at him. “I think she’s got all ten.” You tell him as her little hands grip Javi’s index finger.

You both sit in silence, staring down at her before he speaks again. “She’s so tiny.” You both smile and your finger runs along her small little button nose. She shifts a bit, her arms coming to the sides of her face before she settles back down. It was like nothing else in the world mattered. Every piece of the puzzle had finally fit together the minute you heard Eva cry. This was definitely heaven. You watch Javi admiring his baby as you think back to the last 3 months. How you couldn’t say it back. How he never rushed you to either. He was always so patient. Loving every part of you, even in the roughest of weather. “I love you too,” you whisper to him. Taking his attention off of Eva to look at you. His smile speaks volumes as he pulls you in for a deep kiss. He pulls back, his breath hot on your lips. “What took you so long?” ____________________________ Taglist:

@djarinxore @notsosecretspy @pedropascalsidechick @soaringcloud @aestheticangel612 @wakaladjarin @pedritos-pumpkin @cosmicmoonchildsplanet03 @bimbofairynextdoor @cyberrpixies @fallenfairydust @partyofone3413 @lavenderkee @littlevenicebitch69 @icant-hangout-imdrumming @got1arrow4that @pedr0swh0r3 @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @mxtokko @letsgroovetonighttt @bbgem329 @beboldbebravethings @phoenixinthewater @cowboychickenlittle @lucreziazaninelli @kirsteng42 @prettyinpunk85 @leeeesahhh @girlbossnancy @sarah-10 @jaded222 @jlouw646 @sadbloatedegg @ievutebebe @spookyxsam @sagggy @lordvelma @fatimaisabelpascal @cordycepcowboy @fhatbhabie @caatheeriinee07 @harriedandharassed @manuymesut

If I missed anyone, please refill-out my taglist form🩵

Behind Closed Doors:

Bojan Cvjetićanin x fem!reader

Chapter Three:

Masterlist

No murderer was knocking on innocent women's doors, unfortunately. Only a guilty Bojan. So, at least you got one thing correct?

"I'm trying!" You grunted as Jere's boot slipped from your grip, hitting the ground with a thud.

And you certainly felt innocent - a target even - in all this as you had to help with this mess.

The mess in question is an unconscious Jere.

After the worrying yet annoying texts from him, you found a puffed-out Bojan and a passed-out Jere outside your hotel room. Bojan was equally as tipsy as you were but insisted that you helped carry - or more like drag - Jere to bed. You both had decided on taking him to Bojan's hotel room, which he shared with Kris and Nace, hoping that way if he woke up sick or just very hungover, Kris would be there for him, instead of leaving him alone in his own hotel room. (poor Kris) And also because Jere didn't have his key on him. You only hoped it was misplaced back at the bar so he could retrieve it tomorrow but for now, you were struggling to carry him, and regretting ever leaving him on his own with Joker Out. God knows what happened.

"Well, try more!" Bojan grunted as all of Jere's body weight shifted to his hands, his legs staggering to keep himself steady.

"No shit Sherlock, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!" Your voice raised out of frustration as you glared at him while bending down to pick up Jere's legs again, accidentally revealing your cleavage in the dress you still had on from earlier, and grabbing onto his ankles. "My eyes are up here." You spoke flatly as you felt Bojan's eyes on you.

"I mean, it's not like I haven't seen it before," Bojan admitted nonchalantly as he smirked, provoking another glare out of you. You had been doing that a lot today.

You kept a firm grip on Jere's legs as you carefully carried him again and asked, "So, you remembered what happened then?"

"Hmm, I think you need to clarify." Sarcasm oozed off his tongue as he smirked again, making you groan, either because you were using all your strength to carry Jere or because you were fed up with Bojan. Probably both.

All Bojan could do was laugh at your reaction, "I remember us having some fun. Much more fun than well...what this is," He gestured to the passed-out Jere who was flopping about as you both hauled him.

Your eyebrows knitted together, "You say 'having some fun' as if implying we did...something..." You knew the pictures were well, suggestive, to say the least, but you knew for sure you never had sex with him...or either of them!

Bojan laughed, his eyes crinkling as a grin formed on his face as well as his dimples which were faint but still showed themselves to you, only making you want to stare at him for longer than you should. "No, we didn't. Only a little kiss...unless we did and we can't remember," He joked yet this didn't really amuse you. "I know for sure this guy is not gonna remember anything in the morning." He glanced down at Jere and chuckled to himself again, reminiscing on the partying they just enjoyed. A little too much, it seems.

"Good. I mean, I would want to remember that..." You awkwardly cleared your throat. Oh God, you were really talking about this. Changing the subject you asked, "What did you do to him anyway?!"

"Don't blame me! You are Finnish. Aren't you known for this?"

"I guess," you sighed, faintly laughing at your blacked-out best friend and his predicament.

Bojan didn't say anything other than muttering expletives under his breath as you worked up a sweat lugging Jere to the lifts. As soon as you reached them, both of you dropped him to the floor as you stood in front of the lifts. "Oops," While you caught your breath, you chuckled and eyed Jere on the floor but Bojan stayed silent. For a second you thought he was catching his breath like you were, but there was no sound of that. So, you wondered if what you had said about wanting to remember if you did it caught him off guard and made him uncomfortable and/or because the whole sauna situation had made him uneasy - even though he seemed to be making jokes about it just a moment ago and the day before. 

However, the moment you looked up from the still passed-out Jere and onto a shocked Bojan, you observed him staring unexpectedly at the lifts. Your confused self continued to watch him for a second before your eyes finally followed his gaze, immediately scanning an OUT OF ORDER sign that was stuck on the doors of the lift, almost mocking you. Not to mention additional caution tape that was stuck around for safety, as if you needed to be rubbed in the face more at the fact you'd have to carry Jere upstairs.

Your expression was just as equally shocked as Bojan's, but at this point it increasingly became irritated. "Of course." Your voice exuded sarcasm before scoffing, shaking your head as you turned back to face Bojan, expecting him to have disappeared, having given up on this whole journey.

But that was far from what would come out of his stupid mouth next.

"Well, we have a mission to complete. You know what they say, seize the day!" Trying not to act absolutely annoyed at the broken lift he cheered his signature line, almost making you automatically roll your eyes. Yet deep inside you wanted to laugh.

Well, this was one way to completely sober up.

____________________

Having almost tripped and fallen down the stairs while hauling Jere you were thankful when you saw Bojan's hotel room in sight. You thought carrying him was hard, until you tried carrying him while walking up stairs...

"Finally!" Exhausted, you flopped on the floor outside the hotel room next to where you rested Jere on the floor. Your head pounded. You and Bojan had successfully made it to the hotel room. Now you just hoped Bojan had the key.

"The key..." his voice sounded uncertain.

You hoped Bojan had the key-

"Uhh-" Looking up at him from the floor, you hoped to see the key in his hand but you couldn't.

"I don't have the key."

A long and tense pause lingered in the stuffy air. You stared at him with an almost blank stare, needing a moment to figure out how you were going to react.

"You what?" You laughed in disbelief.

"I, uh, may have lost the key..."

You were going to react angrily. "YOU WHAT?!" After all that hard work carrying Jere across the hallway along the hotel carpet - which you regret laying on now as the scratchy carpet digger into your skin - and up those steep stairs to the next floor, since the lifts conveniently happened to not be working so you could take Jere to bed, he hadn't thought to care more about keeping the room key safe... "What do we do now?!" Standing up before him, you half asked yourself and the guilty culprit in front of you.

Bojan shifted uncomfortably, "Umm...it must have fallen out of my pocket as we were carrying him!"

"Ugh. Well, you have Jere's key right? We can just go back and put him in his room, it's fine. Not what the plan was but-"

"Nu-uh! Do you know the leading cause of death from being hungover is puking while lying down!"

"Wh-"

"HE'LL CHOKE AND I'LL GET THE BLAME."

"Damn, okay, but you got us into this mess! One hundred percent I'll blame you. So what do you suggest?!" Your hungover headache is creeping its way back, harder this time, as this situation escalates. Although part of you thinks it's not just the hangover causing it.

He scratched his head and avoided your glaring eye contact. "We trace our steps and go back-"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS--"

A noise from beside you pulled your attention from Bojan. You looked over and saw it was Nace who had slammed the door open. "Shut up already! You woke me up and I'm very hungover. And what are all these texts about-" his eyes landed on the wiped-out Jere on the floor. "Oh."

"Thank god you're awake, I lost our room key-"

"Yeah, no thanks to you," Nace grumpily interrupted.

"Please just take him," You sighed and began handing Jere's legs for him to hold, Bojan following your lead. Nace sighed and accepted his fate. It's not like he had a choice anyway, and he just really wanted to go back to sleep, which you could relate to.

After putting Jere to bed, with a glass of water next to him for when he wakes and with the help of Bojan making sure to position him lying on his side to avoid any vomit-choking death, the two of you were ushered out by Nace, who now portrayed a snide smirk plastered across his face. "You're lucky Jan isn't here. He'd have a field day with this," he stifled a laugh, not wanting to make any more noise and wake Kris up, who was still sleeping blissfully unaware of the chaos that just occurred. Nace shut the door in both of your faces, not even bothering to ask where Bojan would sleep, which would be your room. He'd probably find that out from the Queen of Gossip, Jan, in the morning.

Together, you released a sigh of relief and Bojan high-fived you which you grudgingly reciprocated, nonetheless still annoyed at the whole situation.

When you made it back to your own hotel room with Bojan, you sank down on the bed with another sigh. Noticing your tiredness, Bojan handed you some water and stroked your stray hair away from your face, which you weren't expecting him to do though you didn't push his hand away. "Thanks for helping," he spoke lowly, but lightly.

Once his fingertips finished pulling the last strand, tucking it behind your ear gently, your skin burned, yearning for more. But you knew it was wrong, right? That sauna situation embarrassed you and those pictures, even worse. And you still hadn't talked to Bojan about it. Not properly anyway.

You were supposed to be colleagues. But it seems a lot can happen behind closed doors.

Realising you hadn't replied to him you uttered, "It's fine,"

God, of all the things you could say, that was all that came out?

You should shout at him for letting Jere get that drunk - even though everyone knows no one can stop him. You should tell him how embarrassed you are about whatever happened in the sauna. The kiss...The photos...

"I know what you're thinking about," Bojan whispered, almost sing-song-like. As if this was a game. Whatever this was.

"Go on then,"

His eyes squinted as if he was trying to mind-read, and you wondered if he did somehow get more drunk being near a blacked-out Jere for too long because he was staring at you longer than needed, with that piercing glare.

Tauntingly, his eyes quickly lowered to your cleavage again and back up to your eyes. Oh, how you wish you could roll your eyes right now but you were stuck. Frozen. Yet still burning from his touch.  You kicked yourself over how fast you seemed to swoon over the singer from Slovenia. That was all he should be to you.

"The kiss." he finally declared.

You took a deep breath, drinking him in, as he seemed closer than he was before. The strands of his fluffy hair fell perfectly on his forehead. Your fingers instantly brushed them away, just as he did yours. entangling with the rest of his dark blond hair. His eyes never left you. They couldn't.

"Is that why you've been ignoring me?"

"I haven't-"

He quirked an eyebrow at you, not believing you for one second.

You sighed again, softly this time. "Okay, maybe I have. So you do also remember taking those photos? Don't you think I'm some kind of slut?"

"What? No way. We were joking around."

"Oh, good. I'm glad they didn't get accidentally posted online or something. That wouldn't be good. Especially for our managers."

He chuckled, "No, it wouldn't,"

"Was this some sort of plan you two came up with?"

He hummed in question, eyebrows furrowing.

"The whole passed-out-Jere-I-need-somewhere-to-sleep fiasco."

"You said we should take him to mine,"

"Yeah because you screamed about how if he dies you'll get blamed, which is still what's gonna happen if he does. For now, Kris and Nace can deal with...that." Your mind wanders to the texts and for a second you imagine it all unravelling. God knows you've seen it happen before, being friends with Jere for so long.

"Did you want it to be? Did you want it so I planned to get in your bed," Bojan's voice was hot, you could suddenly feel it. He was moving closer and closer to you by the minute. And you didn't move away or tell him to do so. You didn't want to. "Because it seems like it. Not to mention" - he leans down, fingertips caressing your leg down to your heels - "your naughty trick."

Naughty, he says.

You blushed intensely, feeling goosebumps rise across your skin at his touch, and at remembering your caressing his leg with your heel. You didn't know what possessed you then in that moment but, boy, you did not regret it. Especially if it meant Bojan would be this close to you right now, making you feel light-headed in an excited way.

His fingertips glide back up, tingling. He leans in and you do too. Tingling now on your lips, just as the photo of him kissing your cheek made you feel. Just as he made you feel in the sauna. Just as he made you feel whenever he looked at you. Kissing never felt this good. A wave of almost relief washed over you. If he thought you were 'weird' or 'a slut' then he wouldn't be kissing you now, would he?

Seeing you were more comfortable, he spoke softly, yet with a hint of something else. Desire.

"Let me make it up to you.

Ni Ceta, Cyar'ika

Dark!Din Djarin x Jedi!Female Reader

Warnings: corruption arc, murder, death of minor character (i don't wanna spoil it but I wanna make sure no one is caught off guard. it's axe woves), possessive behavior, loss and anxiety, light smut, mentions of being intimate

Word Count: 7,842

Summary: Din Djarin is a man who lost everything. His home, his son, his Creed. But at the end of the day, he still had you. He still had you, and he was determined to keep you.

[a/n: if dark fics aren't your forte, don't worry this isn't super dark. well, not as dark as i originally planned to go. more psychological horror than physical]

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"i denied death for you. and i'd die for you again. kill for you. i'd tear the stars down from the heavens to fashion you a crown. you are my heart. my queen. i'd do anything and everything you ask me."

-Jay Kristoff

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Looking back, you had no chance of not falling in love with Din Djarin. Even despite having plenty of reasons not to. You were on the run from the Empire, trying to keep a padawan safe from them. He was hired to collect said padawan as a bounty. He was a Mandalorian. You were a Jedi. Needless to say, the odds had been stacked against you both, but falling for him was the simplest thing in all the worlds.

You had a lot of reason not to, sure, but you also had no chance in avoiding it. Not with the way he put you and Grogu above everything else⏤ even himself. Not with the way he balanced trusting you to hold your own in a fight versus protecting you when you were overwhelmed. Not with the way his hand would softly brush against you as if he wanted so badly to touch you but thought himself unworthy. Not with the way his hoarse voice whispered your name in the softest concern and care.

Never before had you put any belief in the concept of soulmates, it seemed silly, but after meeting Din you weren’t so sure. The two of you seemed made to fit one another. Complement. Make the other stronger, better. The way you both understood one another, the care and love that came so easily… It was as if you loved him in another life. Like the two of you were destined to find one another in every lifetime. Made of the same stardust and shaped by the galaxy itself.

You loved Din Djarin. You loved him so damn much, and it made watching him crumble that much harder.

“Din.” You mumbled. Boba had swooped back to pick the lot of you up after the successful rescue mission. Though calling it successful seemed…bittersweet. Grogu was safe, but Grogu was gone. You wandered closer to where Din sat in a chair. He had isolated himself the moment you all boarded the ship. He was slumped over, elbows on his knees, and head hanging down. You knelt down by his side and squeezed his arm. “Hey. I wanted to check on you.” Din nodded, but stayed silent. His helmet stayed facing down, away from you, and it broke your heart to see him so devastated. “Tell me what you need, baby. I can stay or I can give you some space.”

Again, Din did not respond, but he turned his arm just enough to grasp you by the hand. You gave it a slight squeeze and just stayed there. For the rest of the flight neither of you moved. You knew Din felt like he couldn't complain. Grogu was safe with Skywalker, set to train and harness his gifts. Softly, you reassured him that whatever he was feeling was alright. He stayed silent.

Boba and Fennec’s goal was to reach Tatooine so you and Din tagged along. It wasn’t far. You all got there in a matter of hours and when you parted ways, Boba encouraged you or Din to call him if anything was ever needed. It didn’t take long for you to get a room at an inn. 

That night in bed you held Din close. The room had been darkened so even if you did open your eyes all you could see was his silhouette. He loved you with soft touches and thankful whispers, and when the both of you were spent and exhausted Din collapsed into you. Typically, he liked being the big spoon. Din loved wrapping his body around yours, all encompassing, as if he needed to protect you even in sleep. However, tonight, Din clung to your side⏤ an arm draped over your waist as he laid his head on your bare chest. You held him close, raking a hand through his hair tenderly.

The room was filled with quiet breaths, and when Din spoke his voice was so hushed that you nearly missed it.

“Don’t leave me, cyar'ika.” He seemed to beg. “I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” You said firmly. Holding onto him tighter. You continued to whisper promises of staying by his side long after he fell asleep.

Din wanted to find the covert. That was what he told you he needed. You had no qualms with that. You wanted to do whatever you had to in order to help him find some semblance of normal. Coruscant was not one of your favorite places in the galaxy, but you’d walk through hell as long as Din was by your side. As you followed him, his eyes tracking signs and clues you couldn’t see, your own gaze continued to drift to the saber hanging from Din’s belt. His newest acquisition.

Ages ago, when it had been time to build your own lightsaber, the kyber crystal you chose had really chosen you. Everybody had certain strengths, even within the Force, and yours was reading energies. Your kyber crystal seemed to sing to you. The energy it gave was warmth. It was protective. It was loyal. Building your lightsaber had been a time honored tradition you treasured. Having it hang from your hip was something you did not take lightly. It gave you strength.

The energy coming from the darksaber felt…wrong. It was hard to put into words. It was muted to you, as if trying to hide, but still the darksaber seemed to weep a negative energy into the air itself. You didn’t like it, but you had no significant reasoning why other than ‘it feels bad’.

When the two of you reached the covert, Din was adamant about you coming in with him. Even when you told him you thought it was a bad idea, he still tangled his hand in yours and dragged you in. Just as you thought the other two Mandalorians there were unhappy with seeing you. In part because of the lightsaber on your hip, but more so because you were not their kind. You were not Mandalorian. Auretii. That’s what the Armorer called you. An outsider. It wasn’t inaccurate. 

The interaction started bad and only got worse.

Paz Vizsla challenged Din for the darksaber, a man you knew that Din considered to be a brother even despite rough disagreements in the past, and watching Din use the saber sent a chill down your spine. It was too heavy in his hands, and with every swing the blade was more difficult for Din to use. You could see it in his stride. You didn’t know how to explain it⏤ it was always difficult to explain the way an energy felt to you⏤ but the saber was fighting. It was annoyed.

Din won the battle.

“Din Djarin, have you ever removed your helmet?” The silence that followed the question broke your heart. “Have you ever removed your helmet?” You felt useless watching Din endure this pain. It was the same watching Skywalker carry Grogu away. You were a witness to his suffering. “By Creed, you must vow.”

“I have.”

“Then, you are a Mandalorian no more.”

The walk back into the depths of Coruscant was silent and painful. You slipped your hand into his, giving it a reassuring squeeze. I’m here. I’m not leaving. You will not lose me. Din returned the squeeze, but the pain was radiating off him in palpable waves. A feeling washed over you and your eyes darted to Din’s hip where the saber rested. Smug. It felt smug. 

The two of you walked into the covert as Mandalorian and Jedi, but left as Apostate and Aruetti.

You had the opinion that Din never got to properly mourn the loss of the Razor Crest. With everything going on at the time, it seemed like the least of the problems you both had. However, it's loss was felt now. Even in the short time you spent with Din and Grogu, the ship had become a place of comfort. For Din, the Crest had been all he had for so long⏤ it was his home. It held all his belongings and in a singular second it was all gone.

That aching wound was constantly festering, but when the two of you were forced to ride in public ships to get from world to world you could tell it stung Din the most. That’s how you’d have to get off Coruscant, but a small victory came in the form of a message from Peli. 

“Din, you’re not gonna believe this.” You grinned as he returned from whatever errand he had to do. “Peli has a possible Razor Crest replacement. She just messaged me. If we can just get to⏤”

“No.”

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but Din took you by the hand and began to travel the opposite way of the small inn you were staying in. “What?”

“I found a ship. Here. Already purchased it.”

Surprise washed over you. “Wait.” You tried to get him to stop and look at you, but Din seemed like a man on a mission. “You bought it already? Without even asking me?”

“It was my credits.”

The words stung. It was so dismissive. Nothing like the way Din usually spoke to you. He always discussed big decisions with you, just as you did with him. The two of you were a team. Through and through. Din seemed to sense your displeasure and his steps faltered.

“Cyar'ika, ni ceta.” Din murmured. You recognized the apology. He turned and settled a hand on the side of your face. “I…I don’t know what came over me. I suppose I was just excited.”

“It’s…” You lifted a hand to cup the one tenderly caressing your cheek. Din had just lost his Creed. The cornerstone of his existence. Of course, he’d be short. You’d be more worried if he wasn’t showing signs of being upset. You gave him a tight lipped smile. “No, I’m sorry. Are you alright? How do you feel?” Din didn’t respond. “Baby?”

He shook his head, his voice quiet. “I’m just ready to be off world.”

“I understand.” You gave him a smile. “Show us our new home then.”

Din let out a small chuckle and you took that as a victory. He led you to a yard of ships and pointed out a black ship with burgundy accents. It was nothing special. It wasn’t the Razor Crest. However, it had enough space for the both of you.

“This is nice.” You explored the cargo hold. 

“It’ll do.” Din countered.

You jumped when you heard the ramp closing and as Din passed you to get to the cockpit, he set his hand on your lower back to take you with him. As you settled in the passenger seat, you watched as Din familiarized himself with the control panel. When the ship reached the atmosphere, you leaned forward.

“Hey, maybe we should go see Peli anyways. Say hello.” You suggested. “She can look the ship over and tell us if we need anything…” Peli would just rip you off, but she was a familiar face. Boba and Fennec were on Tatooine as well. You thought Din could use more than just you. A reminder that he had more in his life than he thought. “Din?”

“No.” Din replied. He placed in a set of coordinates and you recognized them to be Nevarro. Well, maybe that would work. Karga was there. Cara too. Last you heard, Mayfeld was kicking around the newest establishment. The ship slipped into hyperspace and Din held a hand out to you. When you took it he yanked you toward him and you fell onto his lap. “We’re needed in Nevarro. Karga.”

He said it as if the name was enough. Before you could ask for further clarification, Din was tossing his gloves aside. He hit a button that shaded the windows, dimming the room till it was nearly impossible to see then he whispered to close your eyes. It was natural for you to do just as he asked. His hands grasped at your hips, pulling you down to grind against your core, and a pair of lips began to leave open mouth kisses along your neck.

“Cyar'ika…” Din breathed as he wrestled your shirt off you. Rough and desperate. Yanking your breast band off with it. The moment you were bare to the chilly air of the cockpit, Din’s hot mouth wrapped around one of your nipples, teeth grazing sensitive skin, and you moaned. Din pulled away and you already missed his mouth. “Need you. Need all of you.”

Din loved you with rough hands and frantic begging. When the two of you were spent, breathless and sweaty, you slumped against his body. Din trailed his hands up and down your spine as if he couldn’t fathom not touching you.

“I can’t lose you.” He murmured in your ear. “Not you, cyar'ika.”

“You won’t.” You reassured him. “You won’t lose me.”

The reason Din stopped in Nevarro, stopped to see Karga, was for bounty pucks. You had never seen him take so many at once and he said less than ten words to the High Magistrate of Nevarro before dragging you back to the ship. 

A distraction. You convinced yourself. It was just a distraction. 

Din needed something to keep his mind busy and what better than bounty hunting? As long as you were there to keep an eye on him, make sure he’s cared for, then everything would be alright. It might take time, but it would be okay. That’s what you told yourself. Over and over and over. You wondered if the reassurance was more for your benefit. 

The first couple of bounties went normal, but slowly things began to feel…different. Wrong. The quarries Din brought in were more often cold than warm these days. He seemed to be favoring the darksaber as well. It had gone from a weapon used as a last resort to one of his regulars. Din got better with the weapon after every quarry, and the saber’s energy felt like it was singing. As wrong as it all felt, Din seemed himself still. In fact, he almost seemed closer to his normal self. The aching sadness and mourning wasn’t so present. 

“Din?” You called out from where you sat at the small table. Rather than staying on the new ship, the two of you had rented a room at a local inn. It put you closer to where the current quarry was hiding. “You in the mood for something specific? For dinner, I mean?” Din had stepped into the bathroom to clean up and still had yet to come out. “Baby?”

Concern began to take root, but the door opened and you felt it slip away only to be replaced by shock. A stranger in familiar armor stood in the doorway. Din. Din was helmetless. You quickly shut your eyes with a curse. Heavy footfalls crossed the room to stand in front of you and you felt Din’s warm hands on your cheeks.

“Cyar'ika, look at me.”

“Din, what are you doing?” You gasped. It had been nearly two months since the covert, but even then he kept his helmet on. Never took it off. You didn’t understand what had suddenly changed now so suddenly. “I⏤”

“I want you to see me.”

“But⏤ But, why now?”

Din’s thumbs were tracing your cheek and he wouldn’t answer your question. He murmured again for you to open your eyes and you hesitantly peeked through your lashes. Din stood towering above you. From where you sat, you had to look up to admire his features. His appearance was never important to you. You fell in love with the soul inside that armor. Din always swore you’d see his face one day, but the context would be different. He’d whisper about a future together as you both laid tangled in bed. 

He was handsome. Strong features, pretty dark brown eyes, scruff along his jaw. And his hair, you were finally able to see the dark slightly loose curls that you’d run your fingers through. You slowly stood and lifted a hand to trace his features.

“Am… Am I okay?” Din asked. 

The phrasing of the question was odd and it took you a moment to garner a guess. You cupped his face with a broad smile. “You’re more than okay. You’re perfect. Maker, it’s kind of not fair how handsome you are.” You kept your tone teasing and Din chuckled. The sight of his smile warmed your chest. “What brought this on?”

“I am an Apostate.” Din said firmly and you felt your own smile falter. His dark brown eyes stayed locked onto yours and though they held the depth and soul you always knew they would there was something else there. “I am no longer Mandalorian. Why should I hide my face any longer?”

“Din…” You mumbled. Concern leaking into your voice. This was quite the huge and sudden leap to make. “You⏤”

He leaned in and pressed a light kiss against your lips. The kiss turned deeper as Din began to devour you. Needy and wanting. Desperate. Soon he had you picked up into his arms so he could slam you against the wall. It always felt like Din craved you⏤ that wasn’t in debate. Right now though, he was like a man starved. As if he had never had never had you before and was worried he’d never have you again.

Din loved you like a man possessed. Pressed between him and the wall he was unrelenting. Still, held tight by the man you were in love with, Din moaned and begged for you to stay with him. He didn’t even pause to let you reassure him. Just praised the way you felt and pleaded for you to be his. 

There was something wrong with Din.

As you sat in the dingy alley, panting heavily from your near death experience, that was the first thought to occur to you. A hunt had gone wrong. One of the quarry’s allies had gotten the jump on you. You had taken a few hits, saw an opening to save yourself, but before you even had a chance the goon was being ripped off of you. Din had saved you, but it didn’t feel like being saved from where you sat.

Din had ripped the man off you and rather than use the darksaber he chose to beat the goon bloody with his hands. Blood splattered in the alley, on his otherwise spotless armor, and you found yourself trembling. The man who had been attacking you was long dead, but Din did not stop. His face was twisted in rage and hate. You called out his name, more than once, and eventually he paused in his onslaught to catch his breath. His chest was heaving from exertion and you could tear your eyes away from the red that stained his silver beskar.

Slowly, Din rose and stalked toward you. For a brief moment, you didn’t recognize Din. You didn’t know the stranger towering over you. He knelt down and reached out to cup the side of your face. The hot blood of the man Din had slaughtered smeared across your cheek. You could feel it and it sent a chill of fear down your spine. The hate began to dissipate from his eyes. There was a softness you recognized now, but for the first time you’d describe Din as hollow.

“Are you okay, cyar'ika?” He breathed. You nodded nervously. Din grabbed you by the arms and pulled you to stand. He let out a sigh of relief and wrapped you into a tight hug. He pressed you against his blood stained armor and laid his head on top of yours. Din shook his head, a shaky breath slipping from his lips, “I won’t lose you. I can’t lose you. No one will take you from me. I swear it, cyar'ika.” 

Relief and love radiated from Din, but all you could feel was the humming possessive energy that the darksaber blasted into the air around you both.

The sensation of dropping out of hyperspace woke you up. You blinked and reached out to a cold bed. Din had gotten up and was now dropping you out of hyperspace? You pushed up and slid out of bed. You found Din in the cockpit and the sight of an unfamiliar world hung in view just outside the ship. 

“Where are we?”

“Mandalore.”

You sat down in the passenger seat and grabbed Din by the knee forcing him to set the ship to drift and turn to face you. “What the kriff do you mean Mandalore?” Din didn’t respond. He leaned back in his seat and just stared at you. You were still trying to get used to seeing him without his helmet. Din rarely wore it these days. Even in a fight. “Din.”

“We’re meeting allies here.”

“For what?!”

“We’re recovering our home.”

Din was answering the questions as if you were being ridiculous for even asking them. As if you had been privy to this knowledge. Frustration made your temper flare. “Din, are you serious!?” He didn’t react and somehow that was worse. “We need to talk.”

“Then talk.”

Things had only gotten worse with Din. You were scared of what he was capable, but never in relation to you. No matter how cold his eyes grew, no matter how lost in got in a brutal fight, no matter how bitter the darksaber made the air, you knew Din wouldn’t hurt you. That knowledge was ingrained in your very soul. What worried you⏤ what kept you awake at night⏤ was your worry for Din. He always said he couldn’t lose you, but it felt like you were the one losing him.

“Baby.” You murmured and rose to take a seat in his lap innocently. Just trying to get closer to him. You cupped his face and at your contact the cold, distant look in his eyes briefly cracked. Din stared up at you in adoration and love. “I’m… I’m scared.”

Din furrowed his brow and sat up. His arms wrapped around your waist. “Don’t be. You never have to be scared. I’m never going to let anything hurt you.”

“No, Din, that’s not what I’m scared of.” You replied. “I’m scared for you. I’m worried about you.”

“I’ve never been better, cyar’ika.”

You raked a hand through his hair trying to convey every ounce of passion you felt for him in the simple motion. “Din… I’ve been wanting to say this for some time.” You shook your head. “The darksaber.” There was a flash of something unrecognizable in his gaze, but you pressed onward. “It’s… dangerous. You know when I told you about my lightsaber. It’s energy.” He nodded. “The darksaber gives off an energy too, and I don’t like it.”

“What do you mean?” Din asked.

“It feels like,” You winced and struggled for a description to match, “poison. Din, baby, it feels like poison.” Din shook his head as if he still could not understand what it was you were trying to say. “I think it’s a bad influence.”

Din scoffed but the curl of his lips made it seem like he wasn’t taking your statement seriously. “Cyar’ika, it’s a sword. It can’t influence me.”

“It’s not just a sword, Din. It has a kyber crystal in it and⏤”

“Are you trying to tell me I need to get rid of it?” He pressed. You gave a small nod. “I can’t. I need it.” You opened your mouth to argue, but his arms tightened around you. “If we’re going to take Mandalore back, recover it, then I have to use the darksaber. Be Mandalor.”

Your eyes widened. “Since when did you want that title??”

“But more importantly, I need it to protect you.” He whispered, ignoring your question entirely. Din leaned his forehead against yours and the touch was so soft and reverent that you shuddered. He took in a slow deep breath. “You are my priority. Always. The darksaber grants me the power to keep you safe.”

You pressed a tender kiss to his lips and Din’s breath hitched. As you spoke, you kept your lips close enough to brush against his with every word. “You never needed it before. And I’m not helpless. You know that.” Din closed his eyes and you dragged your fingers through his scruff. “We were fine without the darksaber. We don’t need it.”

Din leaned in to capture your lips with his. For the first time in a very long time, the kiss was slow and patient. He took his time tasting you and he leaned back to allow your hands to travel and explore him. It was so reminiscent of the days before everything fell apart that you almost cried.

Eventually, he pulled back and focused his heavy gaze on you. Din gave you a small smile, a hand tracing your jawline. “No, cyar’ika. The saber stays.” Your own smile faltered and fell. He left one last chaste kiss on your lips. “I love you. I will protect you.”

Your life on Mandalore was odd. Din left you out of the loop of everything. All you knew was that more and more Mandalorians arrived by the day to follow Din Djarin. It didn’t surprise you. The Din you knew and loved was a natural born leader whether he liked it or not. He had a magnetic draw to him. You didn’t see that side to your Din very much anymore. 

The city around you was slowly being rebuilt and you pondered your next move. Two months you had been on this rock seeing Din from a distance. Watching him turn into someone you didn’t recognize. When the palace was reestablished, a sentence you found obnoxious and ridiculous, Din moved you there to stay. He’d work all day, drift into your shared bedroom at night, and you mourned the days where everything was easier. Simple.

“Cyar’ika.”

You glanced over your shoulder to see the Mandalor approaching. The king of this world looked like Din, still stared at you as if you hung the moon and stars, but all you could see was the darksaber. It’s possessive energy clung to the man you loved. Two Mandalorian guards followed behind him, and you briefly admired the thick, fur lined cape that hung off one shoulder.

Din came to a stop in front of you and motioned to himself with a sheepish smile, “What do you think?”

“Very regal, Mandalor.” You teased softly.

Din drifted closer and took your hands in his. “Ni ceta, cyar’ika.” He mumbled. “I know I haven’t been around.”

“You’ve been busy. I get it.” You shrugged and tried to keep the bitterness out of your voice.

“But you come first. You always come first.” Din said firmly. “Things will be better from here on out. We’re stable. We’re established. And… I have a surprise for you.” Nervously, Din lifted your hands to tenderly press a kiss to them. “I have no right to ask, but will you give me your time today.”

It was so sweet. It was so Din. You were too overwhelmed to do anything but nod. Things could always turn around, you told yourself. All your time here, distanced from Din, you had planned. He needed a little exposure to his old life. You were the only person Din kept. Maybe seeing Boba and Fennec, seeing Peli, seeing Karga, seeing anyone would bring him back to the surface more permanently. You had even wanted to get in touch with Skywalker or Ahsoka to plan some kind of visit. If Din could see Grogu, you had no doubt he’d snap back into reality. He’d set aside the darksaber. The issue was, Mandalore still had thick storm clouds that prevented any outside interference or messaging. 

You felt isolated.

Din looped your arm through his and you walked by his side down the long hallway. You weren’t sure where he was taking you quite yet, but he spoke casually about his day and asked about yours with real interest. His smile was so warm and sincere that you could almost ignore the negative energy that damned saber gave off.

“Where are we going?” You asked as Din turned down a hall you knew would lead outside. “If we go out, I’m gonna need to grab my jacket.” Mandalore’s seasons still confused you and it almost seemed like the previous attacks had thrown the natural order out of balance. Lately, it had been rather cold.

“It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I told you.” Din chuckled. He paused by the doors and you couldn’t help but glance at the two silent Mandalorian guards still standing near. Movement made you glance back in time to see he had shrugged out of his thick robe. Din settled the heavy article on your shoulders and you were surprised by the warmth it encased you in. “Comfortable?”

You nodded with a small smile. The robe smelled like him. Din captured your face in his gloved hands and you gazed up at him in awe. Din was in a good mood. It had been so long since you saw him like this. Light hearted. Excited. “Are you happy?” The question fell from your lips before you could even think.

“Of course.” Din replied quickly. His tone suggested he was surprised you’d ask. “I have you.”

“You’ve always had me.” You mumbled.

Din’s face faltered, only for a second, before he bowed his head to rest on yours. Forehead to forehead. “Ni ceta.” He breathed the apology out sincerely. “I know things have been hard and…you’ve put up with so much. I’m so thankful for you, cyar’ika, and my greatest regret will always be making you question that.”

“I never questioned it.” You lifted a hand to place on top of his own. “I love you, and I know you love me. I’ve just…been worried about you, baby. I want you to be happy.”

“I am.” Din replied. “You make me happy.” He closed the space to press his lips to yours. Tender. Loving. Passionate. Din’s tongue traced the curve of your lower lip and you allowed him to deepen the kiss. Your hands shifted to tangle in his hair. Din pulled you closer, flush against his body, and it didn’t even matter to you that two other Mandalorians stood off to the side as witness to this scene. Din pulled back, separating the two of you, but he quickly set two more chaste kisses against your lips as if he couldn't bear the thought of being apart. Din whispered a promise under his breath. “For the rest of my life, I will make you happy. I’ll keep you safe.”

You had endured the hell of watching Din suffer and begin to lose himself in sorrow. Perhaps, this was the light at the end of the tunnel. Din had found stable ground, and he was now returning to a man you recognized.

Din turned away to push open the doors, but he kept your arm looped through his. The courtyard which typically sat unused and in a semi state of shambles had been cleaned and polished. Mandalorians as far as you could see stood waiting and as Din walked you down the path you spotted a medium sized platform, nearly a stage, and on it was a chair⏤ no, a throne. That was the only word to describe the heavy, dark metal seat. Standing on the platform, you recognized Bo Katan. She stood on one side of the throne. On the other side stood two others that you recognized, you had seen them with Din often, but you didn’t know their names.

“Din?” You whispered his name.

He shot you a smile but continued on. Suddenly, you found yourself on the platform standing beside Din as he faced the crowd. He lifted one hand, as if in greeting, and you stared at him as he spoke Mando’a. His voice was loud and firm. Powerful. This was a king among men. You never thought Din Djarin of all people would look like he belonged in this setting. You knew he had the attributes that would make a fair and just king, but Din had never enjoyed the spotlight. The future he craved, the future he painted while speaking to you in the dead of night, was a humble one. A home, some land, a family. Peaceful.

A bark of Mando’a, in a voice you vaguely recognized, interrupted Din and you watched as his shoulders stiffened. The crowd parted and a Mandalorin in dark blue armor approached. Axe Woves. That was his name you believed. You didn’t know what he was saying, but you could feel the tension in the air.

Din set his hand on your waist and pushed you back. You only stumbled back a few steps before Bo Katan took you by the elbow and dragged you back further.

“What⏤ What is going on?” You asked.

“Challenge.” Bo Katan said. Din drew the darksaber from his belt and as it came to life you felt your own heart plummet. It’s poison was spewing in the air⏤ suffocating you. Smug. Arrogant. Angry. Insulted. You sucked in a sharp breath. “Axe Woves has challenged Din for the darksaber. For rule.”

The fight started in a clash of weaponry. 

It was a blur of beskar, but all your eyes could focus on was the arc of the darksaber. The burning glow that was now seared into your eyes. Seared into your brain. You wanted nothing more than to take that damned thing and throw it into the darkest pit you could find. Every time you watched Din used it, you hated it all the more. The fight did not last long.

Axe Woves was a good fighter, but he was not Din Djarin.

Soon, the air was silent as Din held the edge of the darksaber just under Axe’s jaw. Close enough that the man had to have felt the heat. Axe was breathing hard, but you couldn’t see his face⏤ his back was to you. Din stood where you could see his face and he looked to be the picture of calm. 

“Cetar.” Din demanded. Bo Katan whispered, her eyes not leaving the scene, as she translated the Mando’a. ‘Kneel’. Din asked him to kneel. You felt a chill run up your spine and it wasn’t from the cold air. The darksaber was singing. Excited. Eager. It craved and craved and craved. Din repeated the command. “Cetar.”

“Nayc.” Axe replied. You didn’t need that word translated. 

At the sound of his refusal, you watched a flash of an emotion you didn’t immediately recognize in Din’s eyes. However, it was clear to see the way his lips briefly curled up into a smirk. You opened your mouth to scream, but all your words caught in your throat. Thick, heavy, and unwilling to be heard. Before you could overcome your hindrance, Din shoved the darksaber through Axe’s chest with not even a singular hiccup of hesitation. Your mouth hung open in shock and disbelief, but the horror didn’t land until Din leaned in and used his vibroblade to slice through the man’s neck in one swift motion. Blood sprayed out and the darksaber was screaming in pleasure.

“He had to make an example.” Bo Katan whispered. “It’s unfortunate, but Woves brought this upon himself.”

Din deactivated the saber and set it back onto his belt. While Axe Woves’ body slumped to the ground, Din tucked the still bloody vibroblade back into his boot’s holster. You stared at him wide eyed and horrified as Din marched back to the platform. He spoke before the crowd again, but it felt like your ears were ringing. The man you fell in love with would never have cut a man down in cold blood. The duel had been over. It didn’t have to end with blood. 

You couldn’t tear your eyes away from Din as he crossed the platform to sit on the throne. His legs were spread out in dominance as he lounged in the seat radiating confidence and pride. His eyes snapped to yours and Din held his hand out to you. Bo Katan gave you a small nudge and you stumbled toward the throne with hesitant steps. Din’s cold features melted away as he stared up at you as he always did, loving, but it only made the splattering of blood on his face that much more daunting. 

When you placed your hand in his, your fingers were trembling. Din squeezed your hand in comfort and he carefully pulled you back so you sat in his seat. Bo Katan was addressing the crowd and you stared and stared at Axe Woves’ dead body. Still laying on the courtyard’s ground, the pool of blood around him growing larger and larger.

You felt Din’s breath on your neck. His hands settled on your hips as he sat up to press his chest against your back. His breath was replaced with his lips. Din mumbled about how much he loved you and how important you were to him against your skin. All this time, all the hope you had, was for naught. The man at your back was a stranger.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” Din pressed another hot kiss to the back of your neck. "But I just wanted to show you our new throne, my queen. Surprise."

As it turned out, the light at the end of the tunnel had turned out to be just more hellfire.

In the dead of night, you ran. 

You had hoped Din would return to his senses, become the man he once was, on his own accord. You hoped he had only needed time, but this had been proof. You were out of your depth. Din needed more than just time, he needed more than just you. As soon as you got past the thick, stormy atmosphere on Mandalore, you’d call for help. 

The plan had been to take Din’s ship. It was the only one you were familiar with the controls enough to not have to worry about running into any issues. As it turned out, flying was not going to be the biggest problem you faced.

“Cyar’ika.”

Your blood ran cold. Slowly, nervously, you turned around to see Din stood not far away. His shoulders were slumped in disappointment, and the look in his eyes could only be described as absolute and total devastation. He took one step forward and you took one back. Din’s jaw locked.

“Din…”

“What are you doing?” Din murmured. 

You shook your head. “Listen to me⏤”

“Listen??” Din scoffed. He took in a shuddering breath. “How could you⏤ Cyar’ika, I… Why?”

His voice cracked and you felt your heart ache in your chest. Din took another step toward you and you held a hand up which brought him to a sudden halt. You pressed your lips together then tried to explain that you were doing this for him. “Din, you’re not…you’re not yourself. You need help.”

“I need you.” Din replied firmly. “Everything is fine.”

“You murdered a man in cold blood today.”

“Is that what you⏤ You truly think so little of me?” Din asked. “It was a duel, cyar’ika. A challenge on my rule. I had no choice.”

You took a step toward him. “Din, you slaughtered him. And you enjoyed it.”

Din’s eyes darkened and the energy that slammed into you was possessive. For so long, you assumed that was how the darksaber felt. However, seeing the way he stared at you now, you realized the possession went much further than how the saber felt for him. He stormed forward and on pure instinct your hand drew your lightsaber without activating it. A warning. His steps stuttered. You didn’t know it was possible to visually see a person’s heart break, but you were witness to it right now.

“Cyar’ika,” Din whispered, “I would never hurt you. You know that, right?”

That was true for the man you fell in love with. 

Was it still true?

“I…I…” You struggled to find your words.

Din held his hands out, palms up, in surrender. He took slow steps toward you as if you were a skittish animal he was trying to calm. The tenderness in Din’s gaze cracked your resolve. He reached out and let his hands slowly drag down your arms until they reached your hands. You felt your body tremble. It was easy to make the decision to run when you stared at Din’s features covered in blood, but now? His warm, brown eyes reminded you of every soft touch and tender word of love. 

“Just come back with me.” Din whispered. “Talk to me, cyar’ika. I know…I know things haven’t been right.” He squeezed your hands and pushed the one holding the lightsaber back to your hip. “Let me fix this. Let me make this right. Give me a chance.”

Din leaned forward to set his forehead against yours. A familiar motion that brought you comfort. You let out a soft sigh. One more night. You could spend it talking with Din, gauging a better plan, and it wasn’t like you would be able to leave right now anyways. Not with him right in front of you like this. The look in his eyes told you he wasn’t just going to let you walk away and the absolute last thing you wanted to do was fight him. 

“Please?” Din pleased.

“Okay.” You murmured. 

The bright smile of relief that crossed his face made your heart flutter. Din pulled you into a tight hug and he clung to you like a lifeline. This would be alright. This would be okay. You’d make sure of it. Din slipped his hand into yours and carefully tugged you alongside him. The entire walk back to your bedroom was silent. Din’s thumb traced patterns against your skin.

“I love you.” Din said the moment you were back in your shared room together. His words came out as a desperate ache. “I’m sorry…”

“No, Din, I…I love you. I will always love you.” You replied. “I was leaving to help you.” Din’s brows furrowed in confusion. “I just think you’ve lost sight of your path.” You pressed your lips together then settled your hands on his chest. “I think we should leave Mandalore. Not forever, just⏤ I think we should visit Boba or Karga. Peli? Or… Or maybe we can reach out to Skywalker. Try to visit Grogu.”

Din’s eyes widened at the suggestion. 

He wrapped his hands around your wrists then lifted your hands so he could press a soft kiss against one palm then the other. Din nodded. “Okay. Tomorrow. I’ll be better, cyar’ika.” You gave him a small smile and he leaned in to crash his lips against yours. The way his lips moved against yours made you feel like he was trying to physically beg you to stay with him. Din had never been a man of many words, he’d whisper kind sentiments, but he always showed how much he cared by action. “I love you.” Din’s mouth dropped to your neck as his hands began to tear at your clothes. “You are everything to me.”

 Your hands reached out to unlatch Din’s armor. It was muscle memory for you. How many times had you done this exact same action in the dark during your time with him? Too many to count. His besker fell to the ground and the second he was bare of any armor, Din scooped you up and carried you to bed.

In the morning everything would be okay.

You’d make it so.

A familiar hand caressing the side of your face is what you woke to. You forced your eyes open, groggy, to find that Din was sitting on the side of the bed leaning over you. He wore his armor once more. Din leaned down and pressed a feather light kiss to your forehead.

“Ni ceta, cyar’ika.”

“Din?” You questioned.

“I want you to know that everything I do is because I love you.” Din said. “I’ve lost everything, but you.” He cradled the side of your face. “Even this, accepting the title and responsibility of Mandalor, I did with you in mind.”

There was a tone in his voice that was making you nervous. Slowly, you sat up and shook your head, “Din, I never asked you to do that.”

“I know.” He replied. “But this is how I protect you.”

“Din⏤”

“There is nothing in this galaxy that will harm you while I’m around.” Din said firmly. He stood up off the bed and gave you a tight nod. “I won’t lose you. I can’t lose you. This won’t last forever, I swear it. But I can’t leave anything to chance. Not when you mean so much to me.”

Din began to walk toward the bedroom door to leave and you stared at him in confusion. Quickly, before he could leave, you threw the blankets off your body and jumped out of bed. There was a heaviness around your left ankle, a coldness, and with every movement came a rattling. You glanced down to see a shiny, silver chain locked around your ankle. It trailed to the wall beside your bed.

“Din.” You breathed. He stopped but said nothing. “Din?” He turned around with sad eyes. Panicked, you began to rush toward him, but a few feet away from him the chain caught your ankle and you nearly fell to the floor. Warm hands caught you by the arms and pulled your back to your feet. Teary eyed, you shook your head. “What have you done?”

“It’s temporary.” Din repeated himself. “Just until I know you won’t hurt yourself by leaving.”

“Hurt myself⏤ Din, I⏤”

“Cyar’ika, I'm doing this for you. To protect you.” Din gave you a tight lipped smile of regret. “Or until I can make you understand.” Din leaned his forehead against yours. The soft action you loved ruined by his words. “You are mine, cyar’ika. You are mine, and I am yours.” That look of possession was in his eyes again. “And because you are mine, I have to take care of you. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.”

Din was beginning to step back so you quickly cupped his face between your hands. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be. As softly as you could manage, trying to bite back the fear and panic in your voice, you mumbled. “Din, baby, you’re losing yourself. I love you, but you’re losing yourself and it’s breaking my heart. Let me go. Let me help you.”

He turned his head and gently kissed the inside of your palm.

“Maybe I am.” Din murmured. “But if that’s the cost of keeping you, then it’s one I will happily pay.”

Din left without another word and you crumpled to the ground in tears. You mourned for the man you lost and cursed the man who took his place.

mando'a translations

ni ceta: i'm sorry cyar'ika: darling, sweetheart cetar: kneel nayc: no

MARK LEE / SMOOTHIE (240328)

Hips Don't Lie || Pedro Pascal

a/n: my Spanish isn't the best now that I'm older, so if what i wrote is wrong, I'm so sorry 😭. i made A's and could actually speak fluently, but then i lost it after high school and college 😡. i may just have to re-teach myself in my free time. it's always good to know multiple languages! plus. Spanish is such a beautiful language, oh my word.

warnings: alluded smut at the end, Pedro being cheeky about having dessert first, sweetness, established relationship 💗

word count: 699

Pedro Pascal Masterlist || My Library

“What on earth are you doing?” You ask your boyfriend as you stumble into the kitchen. Music blared from the speaker, Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie. Pedro had a spatula in hand, brown eyes heavily focused on the pan on the stove. 

Whipping his head up, brown locks disheveled slightly from what appeared to result from a much-needed nap, Pedro’s smile fans across his face. 

“I was trying to surprise you?” He says. “I didn’t think you’d be home this early, sweetheart.” He motions you over. 

A soft giggle escapes you as you wrap your arms around his waist. “Smells amazing,” You look down into the pan of red pasta sauce. 

“Let’s hope it tastes good,” He laughs. He takes some of the sauce onto the spatula and brings it to your mouth. Parting your lips, you take some into your mouth, moaning at the luscious taste. The moment he sees your eyes tip back, he knows he’s declared the winner. 

“Shakira?” You chuckle. Pedro was unavoidably moving his hips in enchanting circles, your eyes focusing on his backside that jostled back and forth in a pair of athletic shorts. 

“Can’t go wrong with her,” He winks, bringing you forward after setting the spatula on the ceramic plate. He takes your fingertips, lacing his through yours, and begins to move you back and forth. 

Laughter escapes you as you allow him to move you. Front and back the two of you go.

“Come on, baby!” Pedro exclaims, holding your hips. He pushes them in fluid motions. “I know you’ve got it in you. I’ve seen you dance.” 

Giggling, the fluidity of your hips put Pedro in a trance, his eyes hyper-fixated on you. “Esa es mi chica,” He purs, accent flooding your ears. 

He twirls you in circles, bringing your back to his chest. “Back and forth, there you go,” Pedro continues holding your hips. 

“You’re putting us in a questionable position, Mr. Pascal,” You giggle. 

“Any position is questionable with you, mama.” He laughs in return, kissing your neck. He glances over his shoulder and puts the stove eye on a lower heat before returning to you. 

You’ve got each other by the hand, taking turns around the bar in your kitchen. He’s soon picking you up, your legs wrapping around his waist. 

“Pedro!” You squeak as the backs of your thighs meet the cold countertop.

“Mmm?” Pedro purs, finding the softness of your neck with his lips. Still dancing to the beat of the music, he holds your hands in the air while kissing your sweet spot, inflicting the roll of your eyes. You arch your back slightly, feeling him slowly drop your hands. 

Pedro pulls his fingertips down your arms while yours lace over his shoulders, caging him to you. He grins against your throat, slowly finding his way up. With playful pecks leaving a hot trail on your skin, he’s under your jaw.

“You smell so good, baby,” He inhales your perfume. He wants to fall into a pool of it. 

You’re not able to break the smile from your face. You lace your fingers around his cheeks, stroking lightly the stubble on his cheeks. 

“What happened to dinner?” You ask him, cocking an eyebrow.

Pedro being quite the prince of seduction, allows his eyes to sinisterly trail the length of your thighs before promoting the floodgates to open based upon the daring look he gave you.

“Dessert sounds good right about now…” He bites into his lip, taking one of your hands and bringing it to his warm mouth. 

“You’re always so horny!” You giggle.

“Are you complaining? The counter’s a wonderful spot to be. You’re off the ground, you’re essentially on a plate for me… Come on, baby,” He giggles. You roll your eyes at him, but feel as he hops on the vacant side. 

“Pedro!” You yelp, especially when he starts to push your back to the cold surface now, gently holding your head on the way down.

“What can I say, baby?” He sighs. “I can’t resist you. No matter how hard I try.” 

With that, he seals his lips to yours, solidifying the fact that dinner wouldn’t be until much later.

I'M UNWELL AAAAAAA